Me 5yrs ago: I need to reply to some emails. I’ll now walk 8 metres to my laptop and do that.
*walks 8 metres, opens laptop, replies to emails, the end*
Me today: I need to reply to some emails. I’ll now walk 8 metres to my laptop and do that.
It’s when you’re in hospital, feeling the panic of putting your child’s life in someone else’s hands that you realise just how lucky you are.
Because we go home tomorrow. Thud’s tonsils and adenoids are out. He’s very grumpy but perfectly healthy.
We get to go home.
When you’ve got two strapping kids you float along in a bubble; worrying about attitude problems, sleep issues and a constantly dishevelled house.
How fucking lucky.
To all the parents who have been sitting beside hospital beds for weeks, months, YEARS…. I’m so sorry for sometimes forgetting about you.
It’s unfair. You deserve ALL the attention. You deserve the attention, the praise and the imaginary parenting prizes all us clueless fuckers think we’re competing for.
Because if there was a prize for “parent doing it toughest” – it’d be you. First prize. No runners up.
I honestly can’t think of a challenge bigger than having a sick child.
I carried my little boy into an operating theatre today and watched them put him to sleep and it almost broke me. My mind raced as I remembered every stupid medical drama I’ve ever watched where someone goes in for a minor procedure and dies on the table because of some rare and obscure complication. I couldn’t think straight until he was out.
One whole hour. In his five years.
How fucking lucky.
So if you’re a lucky fucker like me and you know a mum or a dad who’s living beside a hospital bed, or waiting to go back for another round of treatment, or sitting up every night reading medical articles about their child’s condition…
If you know parents struggling to hold the pieces of their heart together as they watch their baby fade away…
Please let them know you’re thinking of them. Let them know they’re amazing. Let them know their strength, dedication and force of love is extraordinary. Let them know their child is lucky to have warriors for parents.
Because shit, it must be torture. And so very lonely.
#thinkingofyou #andyourbabies #alsothankyoutothenurses #nursesareamazing
This post originally appeared on Instagram
One of the worst things we say to new mums is: “it gets harder”. There they are, deep in the trenches of new motherhood, wondering what the actual fuck just happened to their life and we tell them it’ll get worse.
That’s not what you say to a woman who’s trying to say goodbye to everything she’s ever known about herself so she can rebuild herself from scratch.
It doesn’t get harder. It gets more complicated; there’s a difference.
Nothing will ever be as hard as dealing with your first newborn. You’ll feel the exhaustion in your hair and in your fingernails. You’ll feel boneless and moronic in the most devastating way.
I never had an overwhelming urge to have kids. I wasn’t one of those women who grew up wanting to be a Mum.
I got married when I was 25 and waited 7 years to have a baby, much to the dismay of my whole family. I was way too busy working and having fun and dancing on tabletops, and in gutters, and in carparks, and well … there was a lot of dancing 😬 anyway, I was having fun.
I eventually decided to think about having a baby because it was “time”. I was 32; it was academically the right moment in my life to have a child.
If you’d told me five years ago, that today: my whole identity, the thing I’m known for, the topic I want to talk about all day every day, the area I make money in – would be ‘motherhood’? I would’ve laughed (aka would’ve told you to fuck off).
Pardon me ma’am but you are mistaken. I am not one of those pathetic “Mum types” who talk about their kids all day and bang on about motherhood and shit. That’s not who I am at my core. I’m a journalist, I have a career, I want to achieve things and contribute to society and not get stuck on the Mum train like a loser. A baby will be a cute accessory to my already full life.
And yet, here I am. And this is me. And I am happy.
#iamamum #cantdenyit #fullblownmummy #iquitelikeit #likemykidstoo #mostofthetime #talkingtomumsaboutmotherhoodiswhatiwanttodoforever #havedrunkthekoolaid #theresnogoingback
📷 @heartstoryphotography
This post first appeared on Instagram
(Yes there will be swearing ahead in this tongue-in-cheek post. If that’s going to upset you, JOG ON, SUSAN)
A gorgeous Mum sent me a message recently, telling me an older lady at a pub bistro had very rudely told her to take her children home and discipline them because they were making noise (at 5.30pm, in an uncrowded bistro, while they ate sausage sangers – this was not fine dining). Old duck told this mum that *her* children had NEVER had tantrums when they were young.
I suggested some smack downs for the next time this happened and thought I’d share them with you too. Most can be applied to any situation where a delightful bystander (judgemental fuckwit) comments on your parenting abilities:
1. No please, tell me more about how fan-fucking-tastic you are. I’m so eager to learn.
2. I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over my kids’ screams, it sounded like you said your kids never had a tantrum but that’d be utter bullshit so I must have misheard.
3. Shit, you are UGLY.
Oh you’re offended? Soz, I thought we were doing this thing where we say wildly inappropriate things to each other. My bad.
4. Thanks so much for your suggestion but we prefer to let our children free-range tantrum in public because we don’t want to bring that negative energy into our home. You understand.
5. How about you go home and take a bath? You smell old.
6. Have you spoken to your doctor about your memory loss? It could be serious. Because your children 100% had tantrums, dear. Unless of course they’re dolls you treat like real children. Because you look like one of those women.
7. Excuse me, this is not a tantrum, how rude. This is a performance piece we’ve been working on for a year now and he is NAILING IT.
8. How about you go home and take a good hard look in the mirror and try to determine the exact moment you became a miserable old bitch who thinks it’s her place to make other people feel shit. And then just stay there because no one cares what you have to say.
9. You’re so right, I’m a terrible mother. I can’t cope with my children doing age appropriate things. It’s such a source of shame for me. Here you go, they’re yours now. You’d clearly do a better job. Tell them I love them. Goodbye.
10. How about you eat a bag of dicks?
So there you go, hope that helps. My pro tip: most effective when said with your best bitch face (as demonstrated above)
Do you have one to add?
#fuckwitsmackdownsbyLauren #tryonetoday #satisfactionguaranteed
This post first appeared on Instagram
You’ve just arrived at karate, or swimming, or soccer, or playgroup and all the kids are buzzing around, excited to get going. Except for you.
You’re sitting on the floor with your hysterical child wrapped around your throat, refusing to join in. You’re trying to pry those little hands off your arms as you awkwardly unfold yourself into an almost upright position with an 18-kilogram weight hanging off your neck. You keep talking, whispering how everything’s going to be ok and how they’re going to have fun but they’re now wailing and kicking and EVERYONE is staring.
The other kids, their parents, the teachers or coaches: all staring. Any minute now, someone is going to come up to ‘help’ but it’s going to make everything worse.
The coach comes up to say hi and a little face digs into your stomach.
You smile politely and speak on behalf of your child because you want to look like you’re encouraging good manners but the tears have started to well in your own eyes because it shouldn’t be this HARD to have fun with your child.
Kids, I’m going to let you in on a powerful secret that could change your life:
Your parents don’t enjoy yelling at you. It’s true! In fact, they are programmed to love the shit out of you. More than that, they actually want to cuddle and kiss you and play fun games and they secretly want to spoil you rotten. Believe it!
However, most kids aren’t reaping the rewards of this natural source of joy and happiness because you’re being, as they call it, “turds”. You are not alone, this is an affliction that affects 99% of the youth population.
But you can change! A small tweak here and there and you will CASH IN on your parents’ love. They are SO easily manipulated.
Let me show you the ways.
- Listen
A major source of household disharmony is a failure to listen.
I will repeat this because you probably didn’t hear it the first time: THEY WANT YOU TO LISTEN. IT REALLY SHITS THEM WHEN YOU DON’T. When you force your mum to say things like, “I won’t ask you again”, it makes her sound like her own mum and that will make her question her very existence.
At times, when you’re busy doing something or you’re just not interested in what they’re saying, you might be tempted to ignore their very existence. Studies have shown that most parents are happy to request something twice: but when you force them to ask you a third time, the risk of raised voices, veiled threats and loss of screen privileges rises 450%. A fourth or fifth request is dangerous territory indeed.
Manipulation tool:
A simple fix for this problem is just to listen but perhaps you want to start small (we don’t want to put your system into toxic shock) by trying to do what has been asked by the second request. When you feel you’ve built up a tolerance, try doing it the FIRST time you’re asked and watch the JOY fill your parent’s face. This is their Holy Grail and don’t you want to make them happy? Doing this consistently will bring you treasures you’ve only dreamed of. Try it today.
Note: While it may seem their requests are arbitrary and vindictive, they are usually trying to keep you safe, tell you something important or get you in the car to go to an activity YOU will enjoy. So, you know, they’re not bossing you around for their own amusement. Just bloody listen.
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Ask nicely.
While there’s no doubt screaming, whinging and whining is an effective method for achieving your goals by wearing down your parents’ will to live, there is another option:
Manipulation tool:
Try asking nicely. Try using a normal voice. Perhaps try doing it at a conversational volume.
This is often just as effective as whining and screaming and it doesn’t come with a side serving of parental bitterness, clenched teeth and obscenities. Harmony and fulfilment comes when the thing you want is handed to you with love, not pegged at you with frustration.
Head tilt, clasped hands and cute pleading face = Master Craftsman
Expert tip:It’s possible your parents won’t be paying full attention when you first ask because, let’s be honest, you talk ALL THE TIME and just between you and me it’s not always … um… new and/or interesting information. Sorry.
So a good method is to place your request politely and wait at least 2 minutes before asking again. It’s possible they are just about to do what you want but they’re busy with something important right now, like doing a poo.
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Independent play
It is a common belief that parents buy toys out of the goodness of their hearts. The truth is, they buy them in the hopes it will entertain you for at least four minutes so they can achieve something other than looking at you.
Manipulation tool:
Try some independent play if you’d like to receive MORE toys because when a parent sees a cool toy at the shops they know you’d adore, they might just put it back on the shelf if they know they’re going to end up having to play with it.
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Pick up your shit
Parents do love it when you play with your toys. What turns them into The Bride from Kill Bill is watching every corner of your beloved home turn into a tip for your shit. The more shit they see lying around the house, the more likely they’ll tell all your grandparents to never buy you another thing ever again and that, my friends, would be a disaster. You don’t want the grandparent well to dry up.
Try picking your shit up and putting it back where you found it. If that sounds like a familiar request, it’s possible your parents have already asked you to do this 7 trillion times but you weren’t listening (see point 1). The more floor space you can see, the more leeway your parents will give Nanny and Papa to buy more shit.
Laughing while you throw your shit around is REALLY ill-advised
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Share
The good news is: your parents love you more than anything in the world.
The bad news is: they also love your brothers and/or sisters the SAME amount.
Shocking but true. This is the reason they can go from sweet and loving to feral banshee in three seconds flat – the bitching between you and your siblings as you fight over utter bullshit.
Being cute with your siblings without being prompted is EXCELLENT WORK
Manipulation tool:
There is one technique that will solve all your problems: If your brother or sister is playing with something. Try playing with one of the 7200 other toys you have. They call it sharing, we’ll call it self preservation. The reduction in bickering is scientifically proven to improve your parents’ mood and consequently the bounty of love, affection and compliance with your demands.
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Wait
If your mother or father is sitting on the toilet/ cooking dinner/ driving the car, they can’t watch what you’re doing right now. Sometimes your needs come second. Deal with it.
Manipulation tool:
Try repeating this sentence “Mum, when you’ve finished your poo, can you please…”
Note: If you ask us to look at something and our eyes look in that direction, it means we are looking at it. You don’t need a verbal confirmation. We are looking. Please stop asking.
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Behave in public
Mummies and daddies have a pretty hard time dealing with the judgement of old biddies at the shops. When you’re screaming and throwing shit around, your mummy or daddy is not only trying to calm you down, they’re also trying to act like a good parent for all the eyes on them. It’s super stressful and could lead to harsher than normal repercussions and threats to leave you locked in the car next time.
So try playing a fun game where you don’t scream and throw shit. We can call it “acting like an angel” and the best actor is likely to win a prize. Because, my little mates, the secret to getting that lolly at the checkout? Is by being perfect for the 20minutes of shopping beforehand. IT’S TRUE! This is the hidden lolly trigger. Reward level unlocked!
Note: It’s possible your parent will set an extra bonus-level challenge, ‘saying no to the lolly request’. The secret here is: don’t lose your shit when they say no to the lolly. I know, I know, it’s a super tough one, but here’s the thing; if you ask and they say no and you don’t lose your shit – you’re going to hit the leader board my friend. And the rewards will come in spades the next time you’re at the shops. It’s the long game, but it pays off. Patience grasshopper.
8. Eat or sleep
Funny thing about eating and sleeping, it’s not a tool your parents are using to control you; it’s simply something you need to do to survive.
Manipulation tool:
Try agreeing to survive. It’s a lot less stress for everyone.
Having a tanty until you get peanut butter on toast for dinner is not going to get you any points. At all. h
Expert tip:
This might be controversial, but if you really want life to go your way: maybe don’t do both. At least not consistently.
The truth is, it doesn’t work in your favour to be completely compliant in all areas of life. If you’re too well behaved and ‘easy’, your parents will no longer be impressed by your behaviour and will come to expect it as standard. And that’s where the praise and rewards start to dry up.
So while eating and sleeping would be the two biggest issues for most parents of young children, I suggest you alternate between the two, just to keep them on their toes.
Definitely give them some nights of unbroken sleep each week. This is crucial for the survival of your entire family. Don’t mess around with this one too much or the whole thing could unravel.
Also important to note is that sleeping is not just a time for your body to recharge, it’s also when your mum and dad’s love for you recharges. When you are lying there, blissfully asleep, their love grows so big it bursts out of their chest and starts throwing cool stuff in online shopping carts. This is a scientific fact.
On your non-sleeping days, make sure you eat. It will soothe the stress of the sleep deprivation if they don’t need to worry about you fading into nothing. Just put some food in your mouth and swallow it. You technically need to do this to stay alive so it’s kind of a win-win anyway.
If you have any tips, just add them below. Thinking we could provide booklets to all kids when they leave the hospital. Kind of a “How to be a child” guide.
My brave boy,
You started preschool today.
You thought your uniform was amazing because it’s the same colour as the ones your big cousins wear. You thought your hat was really quite fetching and you couldn’t wait to use your new lunchbox. We’ve been talking about preschool for what seems like months.
SO PROUD OF HIS HAT
We’ve gone over every aspect of what your day would look like, we practised eating lunch from your gazillion lunchboxes, we even practised how to make friends – with daddy playing the role of ‘that sad kid in the corner who might like a friend’.
We did as much as we could to make the unknown known to you.
It wasn’t enough.
And the meltdown begins in 3…2….1…
You raced into your room, you showed me every corner of it, you seemed excited, no … maybe just a little bit… terrified.
The moment I had to leave, you unravelled. Your fingers dug into my arms, your eyes grew wide with horror, I could feel your fear in my bones.