Me 5yrs ago: I need to reply to some emails. I’ll now walk 8 metres to my laptop and do that.
*walks 8 metres, opens laptop, replies to emails, the end*
Me today: I need to reply to some emails. I’ll now walk 8 metres to my laptop and do that.
*walks 75cm, skids another 45cm after stepping on a freezer bag, stops to silently rage at the mother fucker who left it lying there, have brief out-of-body experience imagining I’d fallen and cracked my head open and the kids had found me bleeding out on the floor. Swallow the fury, take freezer bag back to kitchen. Unpack dishwasher while I’m there because might.as.fucking.well, quickly wash that Sultana Bran bowl before it turns into actual concrete. Turn and see the crackers that have been thoughtfully ground into the carpet, grab vacuum and wonder for the 782nd time if I should just attach it to myself so I can continuously vacuum the trail of detritus my children leave behind them like a modern day Hansel and Gretel #fairytaledeadshits. Vacuum exactly 212cm before a tiny sock is sucked into the tube. Bend down to retrieve it and do something weird to my neck because I am old. Throw sock in the general vicinity of the laundry, turn to find 629 more socks, singlets and pants which have appeared out of thin air, like weevils. Revisit my genius business idea for disposable, biodegradable clothing. Grudgingly put on a load of washing because if I don’t put on a load every 3 hours I’ll become a laundry landslide victim, buried beneath the pile and left to rot. Suddenly remember I need to buy birthday presents for 17 preschool parties. Swear loudly. Conduct 18 trips back and forth between kitchen and lounge room to put away The Shit. The tiny toys, stray shoes, hairbands, pencils and LEGO that apparently no one else can see. The Shit strewn about the house is what will one day break me. Make it to laptop, find a pile of paperwork that needed urgent attention a week ago. Open laptop, see open web browser with a full cart of kids clothes. Have a quick scan to see if there’s anything else we need before I check out. Go to open email. Child calls out because he’s spilled milk all over the kitchen floor I just cleaned. Start to cry real tears. Close laptop. Never return*
Haha, how delightful is life? *sobs*
So yeah, sorry about those emails. I’ll get to them one day #Iwont
This post first appeared on Instagram
