Children have no boundaries. They will see you stepping into the shower and will walk straight up, stick their face in your crotch and start a conversation about what’s in there. I’m pretty sure that’s why giving birth is so gory: so you can shed that last shred of dignity you had left in preparation for parenthood.
Above all else, children love the toilet. They love the confined space, they love the awkwardness, they love ruining your only hope for peace and quiet in the day. They have a variety of methods for the bathroom invasion:
When you’re busting but the baby refuses to be put down. When is a good time to let your adult children know that at some point in their childhood they sat on your lap while you pooed?
The George Michael
The kids are occupied so you dash to the loo only to have one of them sniff the betrayal in the air. You’re mid –stream and one of them skids into the bathroom with accusation in their eyes. BUSTED. You’ve been caught having a wee without their approval. What were you thinking?
The Kim Kardashian
They’re there. They’re watching. And touching. You can’t fart without an audience. Your every bowel movement must be discussed, dissected and celebrated. There is no such thing as too much information. You are now that person who, without even cringing, discusses your poo with another human being – at the exact moment you are doing that poo.
They don’t care what you’re doing because it’s all about them. They want to discuss Iron Man or Twitter or life on Mars and they don’t care that you need to wipe yourself. Your sanitary needs are inconsequential to their grandstanding. Tremendous. Please note: this cannot be done through the door. Bad! The door must always be open.
Common with smaller babies who push their way into the bathroom while you push one out. They decide this is the perfect time to pull out every item from the bottom drawer or to start undressing themselves or to taste test the toilet brush so you’re forced to choose between your groaning sphincter and your child’s tongue, centimetres away from the dunny wand. Because a mother should NEVER sit down. EVER.
The Long Distance Relationship
Just because they’re not in the smallest room of the house with you, doesn’t mean you should sever all ties. Even if you’ve all been existing in cordial silence for the previous 10 minutes, toilet time is the perfect time to rekindle the relationship with a shouty conversation.
How did you think this would end? You slinked away while your child wasn’t looking and you expected them to just sit quietly and read or draw and not touch anything they’re not supposed to? Amateur. Your undies will be pooled around your ankles when you hear the crash, smash and scream and you’ll have to decide whether to let them deal or snap it off to go and rescue them. The lesson? Never sneak away. They know.
The PDHPE lesson
Because the perfect time to discuss the female reproductive system with your three year old is as they catch you trying to change a tampon. FML.
The Holy Grail
Don’t talk about it. Don’t acknowledge it when it happens. If they sense your excitement or your relief they will know something has happened without their approval. If you manage to go to the toilet alone, you must not speak of it again or they will know they’ve been left out of something wonderful and they will ensure it never happens again.
Which one did you experience today? Is there another one to add to the list?