1.45
Toddler awakens in a rage because she’s obviously missed stuff. Preschooler is sufficiently dazed and confused after a damaging amount of television. Mum has managed to do 7 minutes of work and a solid 30 minutes of Facebook. Not a bad effort.
2.00
Go and put on another load of laundry.
Your children find you and through interpretive dance and tribal screaming, they inform you they are ravenous and need a snack. And by snack, they mean a biscuit, or a box of sultanas but definitely not an apple or anything from that bottom drawer in the fridge.
4.30
Look, it’s just easier to pretend the afternoon flew by and everyone escaped unscathed and happy but your google history may or may not look a bit like this:
However you’re overjoyed to report you’ve managed to broker a sharing deal that would impress the UN. Add this to your resume in the hopes someone will employ you so you can go to work to have a break.
Less impressive is the fact that all your windows and doors are locked because you know your neighbours are out there, listening, watching, waiting to report your whole family. It’s the toddler’s fault. Definitely.
4.45
Some idiot once told you the secret to getting a fussy eater to eat their dinner was to get them to help make the meal. You tell your four-year-old to pull up a chair and join you at the bench.
Immediately regret your decision. Spend the next 30 minutes stopping him from licking raw chicken and playing with knives and trying to stop the 18-month-old from climbing up your leg because she’s missing out. All three of you are crying.
5.30
Husband is about to walk through the door so you go and put on a third load of laundry so he knows how busy you’ve been all day.
5.30 – 7.30
CENSORED – for the protection of new mothers and mothers-to-be and to assure the continued desire to procreate and sustain the population, it’s not appropriate to share what goes on during these hours. Let’s just say, they end up in bed.*
*no guarantees they’ll stay there
It’s not bath time if someone’s not crying. And someone else is happy about it. She’s possibly a sociopath.
7.30 – 10.30
Sit on the couch and “watch TV” with your partner i.e. sit and scroll Facebook and instagram in between running upstairs to put various children back in their beds until one or both of you start snoring on the couch.
10.30
Go to bed. Pray for sleep but get the extra pillow out anyway because you both know at least one of your children will be joining you before the sun rises.
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9 comments
Haha, I love it! It is exactly my day Mondays and Tuesdays, Wednesdays I escape and go to work, but by 3:30 I’m dreading the 5:30 slot! Lol
So real and hilarious. I laughed until I cried. Then I just cried.
BUT I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN 5.30 AND 7.30! Haven’t laugh so much in ages, thanks Lauren.
Omg I was hanging for the witching hour commentary ( needs a post of it’s own perhaps?), even funnier you decided to censor. If people without kids knew the shit that went down at the end of the day they would NEVER procreate!
I just feel like it could change lives if I really spell out what goes on. Future children may never exist if I let easily influenced people read about that shit.
I love this so much. I laughed so much I feared waking my children. My fave bit was the husband leaving earlier each day as I’m CERTAIN my husband has been doing this. He laughed less hard when I read it out loud to him…
Hahahaha, WE ARE ON TO THEM!
I’d laugh, but it sounds strangely familiar….
I’m impressed that it takes only 1 hour 25 to get out of the house though. You’ve got some skill mumma!
Haha, my standards have slipped dramatically. Brushed hair and shoes are no longer compulsory.