My friends, I must apologise for my absence. I’ve just been so busy with the new baby, you know? Being a big brother is tough. I mean, people don’t really tell you how hard it’s going to be, do they? It’s UNRELENTING. Mum and Dad have absolutely phoned it in to be honest. They’re all, “can you get me a nappy please?” and “can you pass the wipes?” and “what’s that in the baby’s mouth?”etc. etc. etc. I mean, FFS. Don’t worry guys, you just keep scrolling insta while I take care of the baby.
So while I’ve been raising this child, I’ve taken some notes on how you too can be a phenomenal big brother or sister:
Kiss the baby
From the second she was given to me, people have been harassing me to “kiss the baby”. Apparently babies will die if you don’t kiss them 43 times an hour.
I find it helps to be quite aggressive with the kissing to make sure everyone notices how affectionate and welcoming you’re being. Don’t be afraid to take a run up. It also helps to wrap an arm around their neck. Everyone loves that and will come running when you do it.
Keep them awake
Remain alert. Babies struggle to stay awake and it’s your job to make sure they never drift off. Use any means necessary to keep their eyes open. Bang all the things. Squeal in a repetitive high pitched dedication to the sun. Open and close doors with all the passion and fervour you can muster. If all else fails, scream directly in their face to “WAKE UP”. Babies may cry but this is just weakness leaving their body. They will develop a tolerance for life soon enough.
Shout at them
Babies are so dumb. They don’t even know their own names. You should shout it in their face as frequently as possible to teach them. Don’t worry if they’re asleep, that’s called subliminal messaging and it’s a legit thing. Scream away. Another funny thing to yell in their face is, “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”
You will be rewarded with SO MUCH ATTENTION but the real silver lining is the look of fear in your baby sister’s eyes.
Feed the baby
Adults don’t want the baby to like you so there’ll be lots of warnings to leave the baby alone. Ignore this and do the one thing we all know will make you the most popular one in the family – feed them. No one ever gives these babies food which is probably why they scream all the time. Like, how could you even live without cookies? I’d scream until I shat myself too. So give them cookies. Also grapes and chocolate. Popcorn is great too. Don’t ask, just pop it straight in their mouth. Best friends forever.
Be a role model
Comrades, you are playing the long game. One day soon, your baby will stop being a potato and start being more person-like and then the bright light of scrutiny will be divided in two. All of a sudden, you are in a position to be… THE FAVOURITE. All you need to do is make the new baby worse than you. This is where intensive training in screaming, breaking, throwing and hitting comes in handy. Show them how to really throw down and you are SET FOR LIFE.
Return the favour my friends. If you have any tips on how to be the best big brother or sister you can be, let me know.