Top tips and tricks to delay and destroy bedtime,
Comrades, in our efforts to demoralise and dominate, I’d like to bring you my best tips for destroying bedtime.
This is a particularly painful one for parents because they’re so freaking precious about their ‘me-time’ and they’re desperate for you to go to sleep so they can go off and enjoy their life without you.
I don’t know about you but I find that excessively selfish and I believe it’s our duty to remind them where their priorities lie. i.e. with YOU.
When it comes to bedtime, your number one aim is to delay. Because:
A. Bed is boring. They’re having WAY too much fun without you when you go to sleep. Trust me on this.
B. It’s not your job to make their life easy.
You have a number of tools in your arsenal so let me help you use them:
1. Freshly washed cuteness.
Parents have a weird thing about clean. They like it. When you’re freshly washed and dressed, smelling like baby soap they go a bit soft. You need to maximise this as much as possible. Really draw out the cuddles and the ‘I love you’s’ because it will make them a weaker target.
Please note: The nudie run is a great option if you’d like to delay the getting dressed part. I love a good long streak in the evening.
They’ll want to read to you because it makes them feel like a good parent. Exploit this by pulling out as many books as you can. Make like you’re haggling over fake handbags at the markets. What’s their best offer? My advice is to pull out at least eight and you might get four (maybe five if they’re board books). Do not go lower than three. Have some respect for yourself. You’re worth more than that.
Beg for the books like it’s the only activity you’ve ever enjoyed in your life. Force them to make the choice between educating you and the ‘grown ups only’ drink they have waiting for them in the kitchen.
Note: Don’t do this if you’re easily offended because odds are they’ll choose the glass of red stuff. But think of it as a long game. You’re planting the seeds of doubt that it’s all their fault when you hit kindergarten and you don’t know your sight words. Should’ve read me that fourth book after all, hey mum??
When it comes to actually getting in bed you’ve got to have your List prepared. Bear, bottle, water, blankie, dummy… whatever floats your boat. Just make sure you only request one thing at a time so they have to go and retrieve each item one by one for maximum time wastage.
I like to pull out a really random request now and then just to screw with them. Like a toothbrush or a pair of socks. Make sure you REALLY NEED it (cry) and refuse to even contemplate going to sleep without it. It’s a fun game to see how far you can push it. You’ll find they’ll give you almost anything just to shut you up. Tea towel, vase, measuring tape… you name it, you need it to sleep.
4. Medical emergencies
Your ear is SO SORE. No wait, it could be your eye. Now it’s your hair.
Let the tears flow and if you’re lucky they’ll start to panic that something might actually be wrong with you. At the very least, it will ruin their night as they sit there and worry they’ve put you to bed in the middle of a stroke or something.
Not them, you. Sing loud, sing clear. It drives them MAD.
We’ve established that the on-cue-poo is an excellent tactic for delaying leaving the house. It’s also a winner for delaying bedtime. If you’ve got any Rocky Road in reserves, squeeze it out just as they think they’re winning. They will not put you to bed covered in your own faeces. Fact.
7. Make them work
Patting, shushing, rocking, rubbing. Demand it all. You need to be cuddled. You need to be put down in your bed. Now you need someone to rub your arms. Now a pat on the back. All those sleep habits they formed when you were a baby? Bring them back to haunt them so they curse the day they ever tried to put you to sleep by tickling your forehead.
Word of warning:
Sometimes you might actually feel tired. Don’t let this stop you. Push through it. It’s worth it. They’re only going to sit down and enjoy life without you and it’s your duty to make sure that doesn’t happen. I find yelling really loudly gives me my second wind. You do whatever works for you.
The midnight wake up. If you wake in the middle of the night, don’t be a pussy and just roll over and go back to sleep. Put some effort in and make sure you wake them up too. Sure you might be tired the next day but so will they and it’ll make everything so much more funny.
Do your worst my friends. I believe in you
Love Thud xxx
What’s your best tip for delaying bed time?
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