I’m well aware that exposing babies to television will make them serial killers (or something like that) but despite this, I’ve spent quite a bit of time encouraging my nearly two year old to watch TV.
I’m in survival mode people. I just need 15 minutes now and then to, you know, wee and wash myself and forage for dinner. Alright!? Don’t look at me like that.
After months of effort he’s finally agreed that kids TV is pretty cool. We’re at almost 10 straight minutes of sitting still. Hallelujah!
But now I’m facing a different dilemma. While I knew I was stunting his growth and turning him into a corn cob, I didn’t know I’d also be subjecting us to a trip down Acid Drop Lane. So now, instead of mopping weetbix encrusted floorboards, I find myself sitting on the floor next to him, in a daze, thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS ON MY TV?
I’m hoping some of you who’ve been long term victims of the ABC Kids Curse can answer some questions for me, because I’ve only watched a few episodes of each and I’m scared:
Our esteemed ABC Kids host looks like a fully grown man but speaks like a boy whose voice is breaking. Why? Why is his voice so high? Does anyone know?
In The Night Garden
Does anyone know what this show is about? What drugs are the creators taking? Will taking those drugs help me understand what’s going on?
The creators say the music is “music-box like”, but am I the only one who feels like it’s the soundtrack to an insane asylum where some woman in a straight jacket is playing the piano with her shoulders and singing dead-eyed lullabies that will haunt your nightmares forever?
WHY does my son love this show? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING TO HIM?
Can anyone assure me the music isn’t the start of a human drone program which is brainwashing our children and sometime in the future, they’ll blast that music into the streets and our children will rise up against us in a Makka Pakka/ Soldiers of Fortune Army? The night is black and the stars are bright and the sea is dark and deep – it’s a call to arms, isn’t it?
Oh, and what are these birds?
What circle of hell have I descended into?
Who agreed that these sinister rubber people should be given a platform to entertain children? Horror should not be a genre for kids.
Why is there one random human girl child? No one seems to know or care that she’s clearly a different species. Then there’s a superhuman gymnast and a creepy, hybrid rubber-human villain… and these two grown men spend all their time with the aforementioned little girl? Some people would call that grooming. Deeeeeply uncomfortable.
Lah Lah’s Big Live Band
Can anyone tell me why I hate this so much? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I have to turn it off when they come on.
The same goes for….
Dirt Girl World
I want to smack her. Why does this cartoon girl have human eyes? And a human mouth? And why, when she speaks, does her mouth twitch and jump like she can’t feel her lips? You just know there are porn producers out there waiting for Dirt Girl to mature into Dirty Girl and her twitchy mouth.
Yo Gabba Gabba
Seriously, what is this? WHY MUST EVERYONE IN KIDS TV WEAR HORRIFYING COSTUMES?
Yeah yeah, they have lots of super cool music acts like Jack Black and The Roots, and it has lots of educational elements etc. but visually this show makes me feel unwell. I literally can not stomach watching it. Please tell me this is how other people feel?
This show is either a gateway drug to a serious marijuana addiction or it’s encouraging a cult existence where followers worship crystals and practice yoga….
This feels like I’ve stepped into a touchy-feely health retreat with the never-ending soundtrack of pan flutes and wind chimes, so why does it all feel so ominous?
What weird pidgin language are they speaking?
The Adventures Of Bottle Top Bill And His Best Friend Corky
Is this a show about garbage that comes to life? Seriously? Have we exhausted all other possible plot lines and characters?
You know what was good TV??