I was catching up with a girlfriend who’s 36 weeks pregnant when we bumped into a friend of hers. A friend we shall call Fran.
“Oh my God, look at you!” squawked Fran.
“I know,” said my friend, with the wearied sigh of a woman who feels 13 months pregnant. She patted her bump.
“WOW,” gasped Fran, “I can’t believe how big you are!”
How BIG you are. HOW BIG. YOU ARE.
BIG
It’s shocking to me that Fran didn’t keel over on the spot from the DAGGERS I was staring at her. My eyes were screaming at her, “are you fucking moronic??”
After an awkward, hostile silence I practically shouted, “You are NOT big at all darling!” (more daggers at stupid Fran) “I know you’re so over it but you’re gorgeous. You can barely even tell you’re pregnant from behind!”
I’m pretty sure she knew I was lying. Not the point.
Pregnancy is like that big pimple on your face everyone insists on pointing out. You know it’s there, you own a mirror for Christ’s sake. I’ve heard some truly horrific things that people have said to pregnant women (“fat cubed” has to be the worst).
You will never be breaking news to a pregnant woman when you tell her she’s larger than she normally is. She knows she’s big. She has a HUMAN BEING inside her body. Do you know how that feels?
All of your internal organs are pushed up into your oesophagus so you feel like you’re burping intestines all day long. Your skin is stretched so tight it feels like it might split. You have a REAL MOVING PERSON pushing down on your cervix which makes your vagina feel like it might fall out every time you stand up and your pelvis feels like an old squeaky car seat filled with dodgy springs.
Every step she takes is another reminder of how very large she is, so there’s really no need to point, stare and laugh. Let’s try and avoid mocking the preggo. Like, you know, how you’d treat any other human being.
Because we do all agree that you can’t call other people fat, right? If I walked up to a hefty woman in a food court and said “hey lady, you FAT” I’d end up in a viral video called “Blonde woman goes on fatist rampage outside KFC” like those rednecks who attack immigrants on public transport.
But calling a pregnant woman huge? A-OK! You sure you’re not having twins? You must be due ANY MINUTE! Somebody call Seaworld, we’ve got a beached whale to save! Oh the LOLZ!
NO.
Hear me – It’s not ok.
Congrats to all the women who can laugh off the jokes. Big claps for your self-confidence, you resplendent pregnant woman. However, some (most) women don’t enjoy being told they’re fat (shock) even if it’s a ‘light-hearted’ joke. Not because they’re sensitive, but because they’re dealing with a rapidly changing body they don’t even recognise anymore and that can be really distressing.
This is the reality of pregnancy for most:
Weeks 1 – 14 Feeling like shit (or maybe 40 if you’re super lucky like me). Bloated, chubby, greasy-haired, nauseous porky town. No one knows you’re pregnant so you have to deal with raised eyebrows and whispers as you reach for another packet of Smiths Chips and undo another button on your groaning pants.
Weeks 15 – 22 Pregnancy glory. You’ve ‘popped’ so you finally look pregnant and it’s exactly like all the magazines told you it would be in your cute tight top showing off your cute little bump and your super cute new set of boobs.
Weeks 23-36 Fat ankles, fat arse, huge boobs and wobbly arms. Suddenly you’ve realised you’re not just pregnant in your belly, you’re pregnant EVERYWHERE. Is it possible to put on weight in your nose? Your pigmentation is getting revenge for all those years you ditched the sunscreen. You’re starting to look at lip waxing kits in the chemist. Your ‘cute’ belly looks like a road map and GOOD GRIEF will someone turn the fucking air con on!
Final 4 weeks DANGER ZONE. Do not approach. Do not look in the eye. Do not talk directly to the pregnant woman.
That ‘light-hearted’ joke doesn’t sound so funny when you feel like a freak show. It can turn a previously confident woman into a sobbing mess, hiding in the work toilets, looking down at her engorged stomach and realising that her body will NEVER be the same. Even if she loses every last kilo she’s gained, her boobs will change, those stretch marks will stay, her pelvic floor will be a constant, faulty reminder. She’s crying for all the years she wasted worrying about her body when she should’ve been strutting around in a bikini because everything was SO tight and young.
TAKE ‘EM DOWN
For all the women crying in toilet cubicles across the globe, dry your tears! I’ve got some comebacks you might like to try.
If you are genuinely upset, you should always try, “I find that really hurtful” because it’s terribly effective in shutting people down. My preferred technique, however, is to smile (genuinely) and say thank you. “Oh, I’m enormous? THANK YOU SO MUCH! I feel a million bucks!” Smiling is the ultimate comeback to someone who’s trying to upset you.
P.S If a pregnant friend of yours has just shared this article, it’s VERY likely she is sending a subtle hint. She is NOT huge, enormous, fat or massive. She is NOT further along than her doctor tells her even though you’ve had kids yourself and you’re pretty sure you can tell with just your eyes how pregnant someone is. Her doctor is probably medically trained and probably used some science or some expensive medical gadgets to make the diagnosis. And unless she has specifically told you she’s having twins, there’s just one baby in there (along with all of her organs, a placenta, some fluid etc. etc.)
If you really must comment on her appearance, why don’t you try:
“Oh gosh you look so amazing! I can’t wait to meet this baby!!”
If she truly is a holy mess and you’re a terrible liar:
“Oh my god, your hair looks sensational!”
If you really can’t bring yourself to say one nice thing about her appearance you could simply ask:
“How’s this baby treating you?” because the odds are, she’s not feeling excellent and she really needs someone to notice HER and not the baby.
P.P.S Leave the skinny mums alone too. They’re fine. Their baby is fine. She’s just petite and the baby is fully tucked up in there. Don’t be a panic merchant.
Did you get some comments when you were pregnant? How did you respond?
Good luck to all the mums-to be! If you want some entertainment during the endless middle of the night feeds, head on over and like The Thud on Facebook so you never miss a post.
38 comments
[…] is NEVER a compliment to tell someone they are huge. Even when they are pregnant. Trust me. Just don’t talk about […]
I got the opposite.
It took us ages to get Tiny in residence so every time I heard, “Oh, you’re so tiny! You don’t look pregnant at all!” I wanted to punch them and cry in case it turned out to be true and I was living a cruel dream.
I’m reminded of the sentiment: be kind, always, you don’t the situation…
“So’s your face”?
“No there’s not twins in there kindly fuck off”?
Problem is I work in an NHS clinic and I have a lot of little old ladies on my caseload. They LOVE to comment. And tell me their disaster stories. And ask personal questions.
And I’m not allowed to tell them off.
I finish up next week. Cannot come quick enough.
Love the blog. Pregnancy kind of sucks ass.
X
Omg I wanted the world to swallow me at PB when I asked ‘are you pregnant’?…oh derrr of course you were! I was just excited as I had seen you many times and not actually noticed!! Total foot in mouth!
You’re allowed to ask me if I’m pregnant Jenni! Because I am!
You’re just not allowed to tell me how enormous I am. Which I’ve been getting lately….
I had 2 offspring…large babies….constantly got the ‘twin’ thing….towards the last trimester with the 1st and the whole time with the 2nd….my comeback was…”I beg your pardon” accompanied by an indignant look….I refused to be the butt of jokes…
And the tummy rub….Excuse me…I am not a religious icon…you need permission to touch (my body)….
If anyone rubs my belly, I rub theirs. It’s only fair, right?
So over everyone having an opinion on how much I’m eating, what I’m eating and how big I’m getting!!
People don’t seem to understand some of us are very emotional at this time and already question ourselves over absolutely everything, worrying that something may harm the little peanut.. I’ve cried countless times due to women (who are actually larger than me) commenting on how I look at the moment.. Feel like telling them at least I still fit into a size 8 (eventhough I can’t zip anything up!!!).. However, then I’d be stooping to their level and will likely upset them just as much as they’ve upset me and I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else feeling as low as I do when these remarks are made 🙁
Oh Johanna, what’s wrong with people? Why can’t they just keep their mouths shut???
Great post! As I had what you would call a relatively small baby bump, I experienced the opposite. You wouldn’t believe how many times I was asked if I “really” was pregnant. Annoyed me no end. Fran may not have realised she is a bitch! Haha
Why can’t people just Shut the EFF up?!
When I was pregnant with the twins it was always, “You’re HUUUUUGE for twins!!!” or the complete opposite, “You’re so TINY! You sure you’re having twins???”
Neither was a compliment. With both I wanted to punch someone in the face.
Why can’t people just smile and say, “You’re amazing” Like, how hard is it???
Hahaha!!! You can’t win! It honestly baffles me that “you look great” isn’t the automatic polite response out of everyone’s mouth when they see a pregnant woman. It shouldn’t require any thought at all.
It was the touching that always bothered me when I was pregnant. I have a reasonably big personal space barrier at the best of times, but I was especially edgy when pregnant! And yet people think it’s cool to come and rub your belly – WHILE they tell you how huge it is. Ah, the joys of motherhood.
Whenever anyone touched my belly, I’d touch theirs right back. Mutual awkward belly rubbing.
I’m not pregnant, just fat 😉
Hahaha… Fiona you’re fab. I was waiting for someone to say that 🙂
Love this post, some of the verbal abuse pregnant women endure is awful, especially from other women who should know better.
Thanks for the giggle x
It’s true, it’s often women who say this shit. WHY!?
I got the twins one ALL the time from one of my bosses when preggo with Master 3. I was large and I think they were freaked out to have a preggo in the office ( I was the first one they’ve ever had) it was twice as funny to me seeing as he had a wife and two kids at home so you’d think he’d have some idea!!! In his defence he was trying to be nice I think and have a laugh and smile with me. I got sick of it by the end but I wore it like a badge of honour. If I was going to be pregnant I was going to be really pregnant… no point doing things by halves!! 😉 Jx
YES!! That’s awesome! I love that attitude. If you can’t beat ’em, join em xx
This is HILARIOUS and so very true. I got told I was ginormous with pregnant with my third, yes I was but who cares! Women need to be nicer to each other!
Right!? Even if you’re the size of a bus, is it really so necessary to say it out loud?
Omg i m not pregnant right now but i just made this time trip backwards. Why people are like that? You won t be able to do your toenail very soon. You shouldn t wear that. Are you eating well? Blablabla.
Such a hard moment of my life as a mother : pregnancy. And of course it s forbidden to tell that. All pregnant women should be so sunny and sparkly from the joy of pregnancy. Well… not me sorry.
Xx Cathy
HAHAHAHA!!!! You’re SO right Cathy! Pregnant women are supposed to be SO GRATEFUL every second of their pregnancy and they’re not allowed to be grumpy or pissed off or tired or fed up. Well, you know what, even if you’ve wanted to be pregnant for years and years, it doesn’t make it any more comfortable and fun. Sometimes it’s just SHIT!
I have had a family member at a party walk up and pretend to rest his beer on my buxom chest. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S.
So here is a warning to any other clever clogs about to crack a joke or comment at my expense
1. Husband is a cray cray hot blooded greek who will snap if I shed a tear
2. I have an ex commando as a brother in law
3. It’s MY sister who writes this blog!
Be warned. She’s the scariest.
Who did that? Names. And yes, I am the scariest. By far.
3rd time round & I should be used to it. SHOULD. Monday I wore a colourful maxi to work, feeling pretty ok, until someone called it a “rainbow tent.” You’re huge, you’re massive, are you SURE there’s only one? Is your doctor worried about how big you are because that’s not normal, are you SURE you’re ONLY 24 weeks, I can’t BELIEVE how quickly you’ve gotten so HUGE, and the colleague who insists on “affectionately” calling me “Fatso” & “Fatty” every time we pass. And apparently this is fine, it is not supposed to hurt & I am not supposed to cry. Fuck off, seriously, FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.
Fatso or fatty name caller needs to die.
Love 36 weeks
Natelle, I am SO angry on your behalf. Where do you work? I’m coming to give someone a beat down. An affectionate beat down of course.
You need to print this out and stick it next to his computer (I’m assuming it’s a him. It has to be a him).
You can also print out a picture of me and let him know he should keep an eye out because I’m coming for him. SOON.
Hey Natelle, when are you due? Can’t be long now?? Hope it’s all going well xxx
Yes!!! Lauren this is Gold! You will have pregnant mummy’s from all over bowing to you (well, probably not, given the degree of difficulty). Shared, to save any awkward comments.
Xxx
Hahahahaaa…. now I’m imagining all the pregnant ladies trying to bow.
Don’t worry about bowing girls! Just put your feet up and wave. You’re NOT fat. You’re pregnant and you’re glorious. Anyone who can build a person inside their body deserves foot rubs and ice cream, not smart arse comments.
Oh my GAWWWDDD! Where do I start? I’m preggers with my third and although I’m only 19 weeks I definitely do look like I’m about to drop my vjay-jay and bambino any second ALREADY. I know this. I need not have it pointed out by every 3rd person I pass and the twin jokes make me feel murderous. MURDEROUS! I don’t actually know how I’m going to get through the rest of the pregnancy without stabbing my finger in someones eye. You know what, even my fricken mother does it to me???? Apparently even during her 4 pregnancies she was never as big as me!! She shames me!!! HOW DOES SHE NOT KNOW BETTER??? I think her eyes better watch out.
Thanks for writing exactly how I’m feeling x
I had someone ask me if I was having twins when I was THIRTEEN weeks pregnant. I mean, WHAT!? I was still wearing my regular jeans so I was barely showing but they thought it was funny to point out they could see a bump already and therefore I must be packing a litter in there or something.
I love how everyone’s an expert. It seems EVERYONE knows someone who had a “hidden twin” and maybe you should get a second opinion because there DEFINITELY could be another baby in there because YOU’RE MASSIVE.
FUCK RIGHT OFF.
I got quite a few comments second time around because I really was about the size of a small barn. But you know what? Considering I was the one waddling around with a mini-Everest attached to me I really didn’t need people to state the GD obvious! Some people just have no freaking clue!
It just confuses me. I honestly can’t wrap my head around why people think it’s ok to say this shit to pregnant women when they’d NEVER say it to anyone else.
A-freaking-MEN! Yes I’m fat the twin-jokes are getting old and you need a massive cup of STFU.
I think I’d be ok if someone came up with something original, but “are you having twins” is SO FUCKING DONE.