If you’ve ever been to the movies, you will have learned that when you have a baby, you will scream very loudly (because screaming = funny), you might sweat a tiny bit (not enough to ruin your makeup of course) and after a few minutes a nurse will place a very clean, neatly wrapped four-month old child on your chest.
You will instantly lose your sweaty sheen, your hair will look perfect, you will forget all the pain and you will immediately fall in love with your flawless looking child as all the medical staff disappear off screen…..
It can be a bit of a shock when you discover it doesn’t happen like that at all in real life.
I went into labour with a full face of makeup and perfect hair. It didn’t last very long…. (no you don’t need to see the after shot)
Eventually that baby will come out. And whether it has to be cut from your guts or ripped from your vajayjay, it will most likely be brutal. There’s no gentle way for it to happen. The child they throw at you will be mucky and they will be much tinier and much more squashed looking than the heifers they use in the movies.
Then there’s the placenta. There’s a reason it has never made an appearance on the silver screen. That shit is fucked up. If you can avoid seeing this bag of gore, you should try.
While you’re taking in your first few moments with your gloopy, squashed up, screaming baby, there will likely be a few medical professionals continuing to work on you. Don’t worry, they probably won’t be paying much attention to your face…
After you’ve been packed up and moved along, you’ll be all alone with your slightly less grubby child (where does all that stuff go? It just seems to disappear) and you’ll need to try and feed it.
Don’t let them tell you it shouldn’t hurt. If I had a dollar for every nurse who told me “if you’re doing it right, it shouldn’t hurt”… I’m sorry, but unless you’re a former dominatrix or you’ve just stepped off shift as a dairy cow, your nipples are not used to that much action. It will hurt. It stops hurting eventually, but while you’re in hospital, trying to come to terms with what has just happened to your bottom half, you’re being savaged up top by a tiny, merciless sucker who is desperately trying to eek one tiny drop of goodness out of your useless boobs. It’s hard to feel all earth-mother when your nipples are being shredded to pieces with what feels like the love bite of the damned.
Don’t even get me started on the sleep situation. Unless of course you never really enjoyed sleeping and regularly hop out of bed with gusto after napping in 30 minute fits all night long.
Oh, and has anyone told you about going to the toilet for the first time after pushing a child out of your hoohaa? *shudder*
So, is it any wonder that a lot of women feel a distinct lack of wonder, love and awe in those first few days with their child? Is it any wonder that women frequently lose their shit completely on the third day as they’re driving home with this tiny mystery strapped into their car? Is it so surprising that a lot of women feel overwhelmed and numb instead of dreamy-eyed and ecstatic?
Why do we insist on this image of love and rapture? Why can’t we just tell women it will be the most full-on thing you’ll ever go through, your body will be torn apart, your hormones will turn on you in a horrific way and on top of it all, you’ll be totally in charge of keeping a tiny human alive while you try to recover. Totes easy, right?
Of course, some women do give birth and enter that dreamy, loved-up phase immediately and that’s great for them. I don’t know many of those women. Most women I know are from the “I went numb with shock and didn’t know which way was up” camp.
It may take a day or two, it may take weeks before they can say, “yep, I’m totally in love and so happy.” AND THAT’S OK. That doesn’t make you a bad mother. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It just means you are healing and trying to deal with all the hormones.
For some women, it can take a lot longer to recover from the total assault on the body and mind that is having a baby.
I mean, this is not for the faint hearted. This shit is for real.
Everyone deals with this monumental change of life differently. Some people will keep going like nothing has changed, some will find the challenge exhilarating, some people will barely scrape by. Some will plunge into depression and some will experience anxiety.
In Australia 1 in 10 mums and 1 in 20 dads struggle with anxiety or depression during pregnancy. This rises to 1 in 7 mums and 1 in 10 dads after birth, with many parents suffering in silence.
This is the story of Kelli Angwin:
“I am 43 years old and a GP, and I never thought this would happen to me. When I gave birth to my daughter, my little boy was almost 3. Not long after she was born I began to feel anxious and very flat, even whilst still in hospital. I was familiar with ‘baby blues’, but this was different. She was an unsettled baby and cried a lot which I am sure didn’t help my state of mind. I was caring for my baby’s needs, but I was struggling to have an emotional connection with her.
I spiraled into a deep depression. I was tired, but I couldn’t sleep. I was avoiding social contact because it was too hard to pretend that I was okay. I wasn’t eating and started losing a lot of weight. I felt very detached from my life and those around me. I was lethargic, irritable and consumed with suicidal ideation. With the help of my GP and psychiatrist I was able to receive the treatment and counselling that I desperately needed.
It was a long road to recovery, but I got there! It probably took 2 years to get back on track and I could not have done it on my own. In hindsight, I wish I had reached out to others earlier, I wish I had asked for more help. To know there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, that it really does get better!”
It’s Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Awareness week. If you know a new parent, take a moment this week to check in with them and ask how they are going. Parenthood can be really tough and parents need to know that it’s ok to reach out for help. For support, please call PANDA’s National Helpline on 1300 726 306 Mon-Fri 10-5pm AEST or visit www.panda.org.au #bePNDAaware #itsnotallBandW
I feel strongly that we shouldn’t make new mums and dads feel weird for not feeling that all-consuming love the first second they see their new baby. It’s completely normal! How did you feel when you first held your baby? I felt…. overwhelmed. I think I was in shock.
55 comments
Motherhood is the most challenging stage of a woman. It requires a lot of sacrifices from the time you get pregnant until you gave birth. And it doesn’t stop there. There’s a long way of ups and downs until you see your children grow and become successful. I know at first, it will be hard. But as they grow older, you’ll feel different especially when they throw you their sweetest hugs and kisses.
Absolutely!! It’s all so exhausting and challenging and the worries never end, but it’s worth it in the end and no matter how hard it is, the love is always there. That’s the magic of motherhood!
Our son arrived by emergency c-section at just 28 weeks and weighing 700g, so I had barely had time to process what was happening before he arrived. I think I held back in an attempt to save myself because I just didn’t know if he was going to survive and I didn’t know how to cope. Plus it was difficult bonding with him being so fragile and spending his first months in the confines of neonatal intensive care. Rather than love I almost resented him for all the stress and upheaval. Thankfully the day did come when we took him home and we haven’t looked back! I can now appreciate how far we have come together and how strong our bond is after such a rocky start.
That makes complete sense Angela and I think I might react the same way if I was in that situation. You’d be so scared and worried all the time, there’s hardly any room for anything else. And it’s so true that no matter how rocky the start is, you always find that strong, crazy love. It’s inevitable.
I couldn’t hold my first born (now 19) for a long time as she was so sick, but I do remember feeling so nervous. I was only little myself a mere 20 and I was just so nervous about doing everything right. FAst forward 6 years to my second, and the experience was totally different, I couldn’t hold him right out of pure exhaustion. I’ve never felt so tired in all my life! Hardly the stuff of movies lol.
Oh gosh that would have been so hard Nicole. Not being able to hold your baby would be excruciating. I know I felt overwhelmed and a bit zombie like, but I still had a sensationally strong urge to be near him and to be touching him all the time. I couldn’t control that.
That all-consuming love right from the get go is a farce for most I think. You’re so zonked out from the trauma of giving birth I think all you’re really feeling is pure relief at having expelled a child from your body and not having to go through that EVER AGAIN (until you do a few years later). Great reality check post. x
I honestly think there’d be something a bit weird if you felt all loved up and overjoyed straight away. It’s otherwise hormones, excellent drugs or straight up denial about what you’ve just been through. I think that’s why so many women get the third day blues. Because once the hormones and drugs wear off, reality strikes and you suddenly think HOLY SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED??
I don’t have kids but I can totally imagine being in complete shock and pain after expelling a watermelon from something that’s only capable of holding a grape.
Great post and I’m sure it will help a lot of women.
Shock and pain is just the start of the process Sanch. Then you need to deal with the small, screaming human!! It helped me to know that not all women experience an immediate connection so I really hope this helps some other mums-to-be too xxx
I had an instant connection with my first and nothing with my second. I think partly because I had a fast labour – 6 hours total, 8 *minutes* of pushing. But they handed him to me and I just thought really? I go through labour and everything and now I have to look after this thing as well? Whose stupid idea was this?
I did warm up to him after a few days, though.
Oh and the breastfeeding thing. They all say “it only hurts if baby isn’t attached correctly” and every mother I’ve spoken to agrees that its bullshit. It’s like they’re afraid to admit that it hurts in case it scares women away from breastfeeding. I did have one midwife, after my 2nd, who said of course it’s going to hurt, because your nipples just aren’t used to that amount of suction.
I also never had third day blues, though I was always kind of looking forward to it just to see if I cried over silly things or not. I did see a doctor about PND when my first was about 6 months old and he basically said I was breastfeeding and couldn’t take antidepressants, so that was that. I went to another doctor and he said since I wasnt suicidal and could get out of bed every morning, I wasn’t miserable enough to have depression. And just recently when my midwife asked if I’d gone through any major life changes during this pregnancy, so I listed off a few things – parents getting divorced, mum moving interstate with the rest of my siblings, leaving two teenagers living with me – and she said, “Well, you didn’t go to counselling for any of those things, so you must be coping okay.”
It seems like medical professionals are convinced that they can cure you by telling you that you don’t really have a problem.
OH MY GOD Madeleine, that’s shocking. I’m so angry on your behalf about the reactions of those doctors. That seems so incredibly irresponsible and negligent. I can’t believe any medical professional would be so dismissive of any woman who comes to them with concerns like that. It also sounds like they have NO idea what depression is.
Did you ever find someone who actually supported you and gave you some help??
I felt pretty silly after getting those reactions, so I didn’t go see anyone else. And things did improve on their own after a while, especially once the baby started sleeping through! It wasn’t really severe depression, I think it had more to do with being overwhelmed and having a bit of an identity crisis. I also had a crappy woman in my mother’s group who was constantly judging me for sleep training my son (which actually worked really well and he’s a brilliant sleeper now. So there haha).
I didn’t have the same problem with my second, and I also have a really good GP now, so I know where to go if I do need help again. It still bothers me when I think about those two doctors (and one had been a psychologist!) because they made me feel embarrassed to bring my problems to them. And what if I HAD been suicidal and had just downplayed it or something? And there are a lot of women who get PND while they’re breastfeeding, so obviously it’s not impossible to treat! And honestly if a patient comes to you and says “I feel depressed”, why would you turn around and say “Oh no you’re not.” Just why??
I was totally loved up with the first three. I barely even noticed anyone else once they were born.
But the last one was different, and that should have been my first clue. AND, plus PND took me about three years to get over, but It took me a long while to admit there was actually a problem.
Everyone is different, though, and there’s no ‘right’ way to adjust to a new baby. I’m not sure why we expect everyone to fit into a little box.
Absolutely Jess, we just need to give mums the support they need and not pressure them to all have the same “perfect” experience.
I love this! If there was more realistic information like this around Im sure there would be fewer cases of post natal depression. Its not all bliss and fairy tales, its extremely hard work and an emotional roller coaster. In hindsight you know its worthwhile and second timw round you are more prepared but when you have your first child its so overwhelming.
I agree Christy. It think it’s especially hard for the first one because you don’t know what to expect and you have all these romantic ideas about holding your baby for the first time and it can be a real shock to the system when things don’t happen as you thought they would. That’s why I think it’s so important to manage people’s expectations and just tell women (and men) that they might not feel an immediate connection and they might not enjoy every second straight away but that’s TOTALLY OK and doesn’t make you a failure. The love will DEFINITELY grow in time and you will eventually feel like it was all worth it but we just need to take the pressure off during that hectic recovery and adjustment period. It’s so unhelpful and starts a horrible spiral of negative thoughts.
I was shocked at the colour on my firstborn he was really purple I didn’t expect that. I didn’t know how much blood to lose so I didn’t mention it until they were talking transfusions. I don’t the tiredness from all that helps a good bond. I didn’t even know I was meant to feed him immediately it was 2am I thought he might like to go to sleep I sure wanted too! He still has a weird skin colour I can’t work that out. The middle one I was told might die he had GBS strep progressed to septicemia so I didn’t bond I was terrified. The last one instant bond just adored him.
Sleep deprivation is legitimate torture so it’s no wonder so many parents struggle to adapt. And I definitely think it must be easier to bond with each subsequent child because you’re more relaxed and you know what’s coming. And you know the love will be there eventually so you don’t stress so much about feeling it immediately – which probably helps you to feel it immediately!!
I was just saying to a friend that I felt like once you have a baby everyone seemed to just want to say how gorgeous they are and hardly anyone ever asks how the mum is going. (on Facebook threads it feels like it’s 90% congrats and baby is cute, and 10% that also say something about the mum). It’s like people seem to think you should move on from the birth straight away and focus on how lovely it is you have a new baby, as though you can’t be happy about having a baby but also feel shocked, traumatised, overwhelmed and generally as though you deserve some sort of medal rather than nipple pain and being woken up all the time! It’s like admitting it’s hard diminishes the cuteness of the baby somehow…
SUCH a good point Emma. There’s so much focus on how wonderful the baby is and how over the moon the mum must be that people seem to forget she’s still recovering from a pretty big physical event, plus she’s now trying to cope with an even bigger emotional event.
People don’t want to admit it’s hard because it’s like no one wants to hear it. Like it might make you sound ungrateful or rude in some way. You’re just supposed to smile and be overjoyed and not complain. And that’s so unfair on the mum (and the dad!). I think it would be a great first step if we could all start giving a bit more attention to the parents and acknowledge that they might be struggling a bit – physically and emotionally.
The worst bit for me was everyone constantly telling me how much THEY adored my son and how proud and happy I must be. I was sat there either numb or on the verge of tears thinking “I don’t even love my own baby, what’s wrong with me?!” I genuinely thought we’d made a horrible mistake in having him.
I felt protective of him straight away and I met his needs but the all consuming love took weeks to come. It was an awful time. One which I still feel bad about almost 3 yrs on.
I loved both my boys pretty much instantly but fell harder for the second so much quicker. I think the traumatic birth with number one delayed that real ‘in love’ feeling. When my second one whizzed out my vajayjay I exclaimed…’it’s a baby!’, not sure what I was expecting but it took me by surprise.
Haha, Jenni I think I said something similar, like “hello baby!” As in, OMG, who is this real, live baby they’ve just handed me? It was total surprise for me. I’m not sure what I thought I’d been doing for the previous 9 months but it was a shock that a real human came out.
Yes, yes and yes.
I have had a c-section, a vacuum extraction VBAC and then shot the last baby out my vajoots in two hours. It was all intense. There was no ‘good’ way. And the Day 3 hormone assault was brutal every. single. time.
Oh Angie, I can imagine! Any which way the baby comes out, it’s not easy on the body or the mind. Some women snap back so quickly and some take weeks or even months. Add some vicious hormones into the mix and it’s just downright mean! It’s tough stuff.
I’ve actually written about not feeling instant love with my baby on my blog too. At the time I felt so guilty, but over time I came to terms with it. Having had an emergency c-section I was more in shock than anything and drugged up to my eyeballs. I actually broke down to the dr before discharge telling him I didn’t feel like any of it was real or that I’d actually had a baby because it all happened so quick. He told me that’s normal and that he’d be more concerned if I wasn’t freaking out. That made me feel so much better although I did go on to get PND, but its much brighter now that I’m out the other side. #teamIBOT
I agree with your doctor Toni! I think it’s a bit weird when women don’t freak out. Like maybe they haven’t realised what’s just happened and they’re not comprehending the seriousness of what’s just happened to them.
I’m so glad you came out the other side! I never had PND or even the baby blues (I had kind of expected to get it to be honest!) but I could understand how easily it can go from normal, new mother worries and anxiety to something much more serious. It’s such an upheaval and any huge life change like that has to mess around with you a bit.
I don’t have kids (alas) so can’t exactly relate but it’s nice to hear that I haven’t missed out on that great moment when everything else falls away and I fall in love for the first time etc etc…
Yep, for some women it’s more of a slow burn Deborah. For me it was the gradual realisation that I didn’t want him to be more than a couple of metres away from me. It was a physical need to have him close that was my first clue we had a connection.
I went into shock with my third and as they tried to make me hold him I screamed that I couldn’t. The nurse wasn’t very happy with me .. Biatch
Bahaha! I’m sure you can’t have been the first person to have that reaction. The last thing you need is a judgemental nurse at that point.
The bit I loved the most about this post is that how ever the baby arrives into the world it isn’t glamorous or pretty. So many women think that child birth is a beautiful, natural experience. It’s just plain messy!
It really is Claire! I’m not sure why we gloss over it and pretend it’s not messy. It’s like we pretend it’s all finished the second the baby is out. There’s so much more that goes on afterwards and that can be just as hard as the pushing.
FANTASTIC post. I barely remember holding my daughter before she was yanked away and they continued to operate on me. When I finally saw her I was just overwhelmed. I did still have that gooey moment – I remember that very clearly – but in the weeks following I remember a lot of anxiety and PAIN (the LIES they tell you about breastfeeding not hurting. LIES!!!) and more anxiety and more pain and worry and PAIN the PAIN.
And your placenta note reminded me that the docs gave us the option of watching the Caesarean. My husband nearly hit the floor then and there. I’ve never seen him go so white so quickly. We did NOT watch.
The anxiety, worry and pain just keeps going doesn’t it Em? FOREVER. It’s not all love and smiles. They’re there too, but it doesn’t wipe away all the extra hard stuff.
Thank you for raising awareness about something so important. I always feel jittery when I first hold the babes. Still totally in shock that I had pushed it out of my vjayjay who is feeling quite sorry for herself right at that moment. Oh, and my husband totally inspects the placenta. He’s a science geek. Can you think of anything worse?
Ugh, leave the placenta alone mate! 😉
It’s almost crazy to think that anyone could NOT be in shock. I actually think it’s weirder for someone to be totally zen and happy in those first few moments, because it suggests to me they’re not processing what’s just happened. Because if you actually think about it, it’s all bloody traumatic!
A beautiful post to raise very important awareness for an issue often left in the dark. PND awareness needs honesty like this, and it needs to be shared, in an effort to reach everyone who needs it (especially if they think they don’t) xx
Thank you Josefa! I think everyone needs a dose of honesty, whether they suffer from PND or not. It doesn’t help anyone to pretend it’s all sunshine and rainbows.
I remember when I was younger not quite getting it when my mum told me she had PND after she had me, because, you know, she loved me, and I was a cute adorable baby, and what is depressing about that? Boy, did I have a lot to learn. The aftermath of birth is something that really can’t be truly understood until you’ve been through it, but yes, I am now happily spreading the word of the reality of the situation, no sugar coating here!
That’s so great your mum talked to you about it Zoe! That must have been hard for her to admit to you. But it would have given you a bit more of an understanding when you had to go through the whole childbirth experience yourself. And you’re right, you definitely can’t understand until you’ve been through it yourself!
Yes – I mean I don’t want kids but this sounds much more realistic than the lovey crap people spurt at me when telling me I should want kids. Admit that parts are crap. Not all of life is sunshine and rainbows, even if it goes smoothly…
So true Vanessa. It doesn’t help anyone to make out like life is perfect. If we just admit that things can be hard, people might be a bit better prepared for when things don’t go smoothly.
Yes, giving birth to a baby is an experience you’ll never forget. Not all of it is pretty IMHO. It’s very personal and everyone’s story is different – but this shit is definitely real! …and so is post-natal depression. Having a new baby can be so damned hard – and it’s the most important thing you’ll ever do, so there’s a lot of pressure to get it right. Having experienced PND myself, my only advice is – ASK for help, talk to someone you trust, don’t suffer in silence.
SO much pressure Lyndall! I think it’s quite irresponsible to project this rosy image to women when it’s often not like that at all. Why do we lie about it? It doesn’t make you a better mother in the long run just because you had a perfect birth/ newborn experience. It just makes you lucky. We need to talk more about it and ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP!! xx
I thought the placent was fascinating! I didn’t want to make a lasagne out of it or anything but it’s not very often we get to see one of our own organs 🙂
HAHHAHAHA! I still remember my OB asking me if I wanted to look at the placenta. I basically shot him a look that said “Are you fucking serious?” and he didn’t ask me again. I’d already seen enough gore that day….
I can see why you’d think the placenta was fascinating. It’s a pretty nifty little thing…. but visually it’s hideous. HIDEOUS.
Nice post. I think it’s stupid people pretend it’s all sunshine when it isn’t – just makes you feel worse. (Come the teen years, most people are happy to vent, and you feel much better about whatever you’re going through – because we’re all in the same sort of boat, just different decks on the MASSIVE cruise ship filled with mothers in sometimes stormy seas, sometimes tranquil waters….
It does make you feel worse Lydia. I’m lucky because my sister had told me she didn’t feel that immediate connection so I didn’t expect it like some women do. It made it much easier for me because I didn’t think I was some horrible person for taking some time to come to terms with everything.
I never got to experience labour because I had to have three c-sections. No matter how you give birth, it can be overwhelming and exciting and many more emotions at the same time. PND is important to bring up because I think so many mums don’t think it will happen to them and some mums have it and are undiagnosed. There should be no shame about PND or stigma around it. Great post about sharing how it really is when you give birth. X
You’re right Bec, I really don’t think it matters how you give birth. The end result is the same and it’s all just as overwhelming whether they come out the top or bottom. And PND is simply a medical complication – not anything to be ashamed about. I just think there’s so much expectation that surrounds having a baby and all the things you’re supposed to feel. It can make it so much harder for women when they don’t feel those things and start to think there’s something not right.
Why oh why do midwives think fathers want to see the placenta. They even knew I am a pathologist who has seen healthy and diseased placentas, just because the one in the pan had been connect with my daughter doesn’t mean I want to see the ugly thing. My only comment was to make sure there were no missing cotyledons!
It’s so gross Gary! I saw it when they threw it on my tummy and I nearly gagged. I know how magical they are and all… but ugh.