Stomach on. Stomach off. I finally realised why I’m looking so huge. I’m supposed to be using my abs. But seriously, who can be bothered? #sopregnant
I just witnessed the Sarge fold up a dirty tea towel and put it back in the drawer.
“Darling, that was dirty,” I pointed out (because I’m helpful like that).
His face dropped melodramatically, “Leave me alone, I’m PREGNANT,” he whined.
Oh snap. Smart arse.
It appears I’ve been using this excuse a lot. Because, you know, I am pregnant. With child. Growing a small person, organ by organ.
Is that getting on your nerves, dear husband? Sorrynotsorry for being so annoyingly pregnant WITH YOUR CHILD. I’ll try to grow your daughter a bit more quietly, ok? OKAAAAYYY?
Ok, to be fair, I’m less than useful lately.
I dropped my lunch all over the floor last week, which might have been forgivable except it was the second time in two days I’d done it. Because I’m a moron. But my gorgeous friend Nicola told me it was ‘pregnancy related clumsiness’ because that’s a thing. I love Nicola.
Well that’s one way to toss a salad #freakingidiot #seconddayinarow #Icantbetrustedtocarrythings #hellyesIamstillgoingtoeatit
And I have to admit, I kind of love being able to blame my uselessness on being pregnant. It’s terribly convenient…
Put the cereal back in the fridge. Not my fault, I’m pregnant!
Stared at the wall for 15 minutes trying to remember why I walked into the bedroom. Can’t blame me, I’m pregnant!
Fell asleep on the lounge at 2pm. P.R.E.G.G.E.R.S.
Took the last pancake off my son’s plate and ate it. Don’t give me that look, I’m pregnant!
Spent all day trying to avoid any actual work. Hey, I’m growing a human being here, people. Je suis enceinte. Ich bin schwanger. Estoy embarazada.
But it’s the stupidity that’s really starting to affect me.
I was trying to turn up the radio volume up in the car yesterday and despite repeatedly pressing the ‘up’ button on the steering wheel, the volume wasn’t going up. Then I realised the channel had changed and confusion reigned. WHAT’S GOING ON? Obviously the radio was broken. I started fuming away about the inconvenience of having a faulty radio and whether I’d need to take it in to be looked at. It was a good few minutes before I realised I’d been pressing the seek button instead of the volume.
It wasn’t pressing the wrong button that concerned me. It was the length of time it took to figure out what I was doing wrong. My idiocy shocked me.
I’m trying to remember if I was this stupid when I was pregnant with Thud. But I’m pregnant, so I can’t remember.
I do remember being stunningly tired. I remember mentioning it to the midwife at my obstetrician’s rooms, “Of course you are!” she cried. “You’re working full time, you start at 4am in the morning AND you’re pregnant. You’re not designed to do that!”
The feminist in me felt a bit outraged at the suggestion I was too fragile to be working but she explained that human evolution hasn’t caught up with modern day living and women simply aren’t designed to grow babies and work and clean house and cook and have a social life and have hobbies and relationships etc etc etc.
Women are apparently designed to do a spot of light berry collecting, followed by some casual skinning of whatever beast the man has brought home from his day on the hunt. Traditionally, pregnant women would be put on a bit of bed rest and fussed over by other women in the tribe.
I have no idea if she is right or not, but do you know how badly I want to be a cavewoman right now?
Firstly, I feel like my impressive girth would be considered kinda hot in the social circles of the caves. My double chin would be a sign of my wealth and success and my arse would be admired for its many dimples. My bearskin muumuu would bring all the Neanderthals to the yard.
Secondly, I’d really love it if people expected me to be feeble-minded right now. It’d really take the pressure off. Expecting anything useful from me right now is only going to lead to disappointment.
Thirdly, I’m tired. I don’t want to do things. I want to sit and drink tea and watch pathetic television. My brain doesn’t want to think. My legs don’t want to walk. My hands don’t want to do work.
I think it’s best if everybody just ignores me until this child is out. Just stick me in the corner like a pot plant. Chuck a Tim Tam at me now and then and don’t try to engage in conversation. Definitely don’t let me make important decisions like what I should name my child.
I’m just wondering if anyone is concerned about leaving me home alone with a two year old? No? I’m not sure it’s wise…
I collapsed. He collapsed in solidarity. This is how we spend our days. It’s relaxing. Until I try to get back up again.
Please tell me you felt a bit useless when you were pregnant too….
39 comments
Yep, totally familiar. I even discovered the kitchen floor functioned like a heat sink in the middle of summer (lino over concrete), and ten minutes lying on it would let me wobble on with my chores. I did discover the cure for pregnancy-brain, though. For me it was stacks of omega 3 tablets. It’s necessary for brains, and the richest natural source of it is human breastmilk (DHA, that is). So if you’re building someone else’s little brain inside you, and then once outside you, pumping even more nutrients into it (breast-feeding), you’re stealing from your own stores and it’s hard to think straight. I also noticed a perceptible step-up in mental function when I went off grains (sorry, the dreaded paleo), with a lifting of brain fog and of the inability to focus. But during pregnancy/breast-feeding it was definitely omega-3. And you can add that in without sacrificing the tim tams or icecream, should you ever decide to go for another pregnancy. 🙂
That’s really interesting, thanks Rebecca! Off to grab some Omega-3!!
Ahhe yes – memories. Wallet in the freezer, milk in the cupboard and car keys God knows where. I have to tell you though – you look freaking hot for a preggers woman… I hope that is some consolation for the baby brain 😉 xx
Well my OB told me today that I was too puffy and putting on too much weight, so I will ignore her, take your compliment and go and have another chocolate biscuit. Thanks Son! xxx
This takes me back – I was pretty useless in the final few months and I remember playing the pregnancy card and the blonde card. Plus it was 40 degrees in summer and I couldn’t get off our leather couch. It was so hot I was stuck to them in my underwear. At least the winter Olympics were on and watching that make me feel cooler. But then someone would do something inspirational and I’d start crying. Man those hormones did strange things to me!
I am NOT looking forward to it getting any hotter Tash. I’m already feeling the heat pretty badly….
If it helps I walk into doors and walls all the time and I’m not even pregnant. I wish I had an excuse.
You know what Toni? It does help 😉
Pregnancy brain is totally a thing but so is ‘I’ve got two kids’ brain and also my current situation ‘Clearly I’ve had far too many kids’ brain. So if you’re even contemplating going for a third, don’t. Kids make you soft and squishy and mushy and lovey and BATSHIT INSANE.
As far as I can tell, it’s all incurable.
I’m thinking there’s a biological reason for it to stick around. Maybe it makes your kids more enjoyable when you’re a little bit fuzzy up top? 😉
Oh yes! I blamed pregnancy for so much 🙂
It comes in handy now and then Lisa 😉
I was just looking at my 14 month old and think that I was half way through a pregnancy with him when his older brother was 14 months – what was I thinking? After two boys in two and a half years, I think I am only just coming out of the pregnancy fog. Time to go again, right?
Definitely time to go again! Don’t let the fog lift completely or it will be too much of a shock when it descends again 😉
I was completely useless. I stuffed myself with cream cheese bagels and chocolate milk and lay on the couch watching Netflix for months.
THAT! I want to do that right now!
I have a teen – I’ve decided parents of teens should be allowed to drink champagne and Xanax all day. Life would be so awesome….*sigh* Can I start using that as an excuse?
Jeez, can I start doing that now? That sounds perfect to me.
I say milk the excuse (excuse the pun) for all it is worth. Sadly I didn’t get to use the pregnancy excuse other than one short-lived one, but I definitely had ‘adoption foggy brain’ – I think it was all the paperwork they made us do. And I’ve definitely had hormonal brain, including lately as I fear menopause coming on – that’s an excuse isn’t it.
Adoption foggy brain sounds like a real thing to me. It’s when 100% of your brain is preoccupied with one thing and anything else of note just falls out your ears.
Haha. This took me back.
I’m not pregnant but I really want to sit and watch pathetic tv and drink tea too!
And your friend is right… pregnancy clumsiness is totally a thing! Enjoy those tim tams hun Xx
How good is tea and TV Shannon? It’s how I want to spend my days. ALL MY DAYS.
Oh I still walk into rooms and stare at the wall wondering what I came in for. You are nearly there and still made me laugh with this post. x
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that this is me from now on. It’s permanent. There’s no going back…
The floor salad looked good to me…just grab a fork…not a 3rd world dirt floor….*G*…
And welcome to my world…dropping…forgetting…chronically tired…dont want to do anything….except mine wont be cured with a baby….but my middle age spread looks like I am….*G*….Send Tim Tams….dark ones….Thank goodness dark chocolate is still ok to consume…..woohoo…
Love your blog and everyone’s replies….makes me smile and laugh….
Great Maev, sounds like it’s a permanent thing! I guess I should get used to it 😉
Oh I remember that feeling of just not wanting to move from whatever position I was in. Bed, couch, car, lawn. Growing another person is exhausting and doing it while looking after another person is even worse. Doesn’t leave much mental energy for anything else, especially complex thought. You can still write though!
Barely Ellen! I have about 6 half written posts in my drafts that will never be published because I just can’t remember what my point was and they’re basically inane waffle. I keep sitting down to start posts and then getting distracted by online shopping for baby clothes…. Useless.
I can’t remember the number of sandwiches I ordered to only collect my change and leave the cafe with the sandwich still on the counter. I’d get back to my desk and be like…. I’m so hungry. Hang in there…. you’re almost done! I’ll come eat Tim Tams in the corner with you. Let me know when is good 😉 xo
So close to the end now… But I fear my brain will never return.
HAHAHAHAHHA!! Ahhhh, memories… the pregnancy thing is a real debilitating condition particularly when caring for ANOTHER child. Bloody hollies, I was woeful at it. I even would press my car keys button and wonder why the front door wasn’t unlocking itself. I mean…. MORON!?!? But husbands, they need to sit quietly in the corner if they value their own life. LIke, seriously. The thing is, the excuses kinda continue ie. Oh, I’ve got a newborn, Oh I’m a breastfeeding mother… I fear the day I have run out of an excuse for my mental demise….. darling, I’ll throw you a Tim Tam in the corner for sure xxx
OMG I’ve done that too Vicki! Why don’t they make remote controls for front doors? I need one.
And you are absolutely right. The excuses will keep rolling in. Just gave birth, nipples hurt, haven’t slept in days…. The future is bleak…
BAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA! Oh boy do I remember this. I honestly cannot COUNT the number of tubs of ice cream I ruined by returning them to the fridge or the cupboard instead of the freezer. And, as you know, that shit is DEVASTATING to a pregnant woman. Do not fuck with her ice cream.
I felt teary just thinking about your poor ice cream.
And now I want ice cream.
That salad on the floor is no probs. All the fancy chefs serve them on bits of wood anyways. You weren’t being pregnant, just fucking fashionable!
SOOOO fucking fashionable. That’s me.
My only concern is that those bits of wood are probably far cleaner than my floor… Score one for my immune system!
Next thing you’ll be telling us you’re going paleo… Seriously though I remember being 50,000 weeks pregnant and sitting in the couch while a pot simmered on the stove. My 2yo ran into the kitchen with a little step shouting ‘I help Mummy! I stir dinner!’ And I COULD NOT GET UP OFF THE COUCH. I just screamed at him to leave it alone. It was awful:( I feel for you!
Bahahaha!!!! That’s me already! I see him plotting to do dangerous things and all I can do is plead from the couch. It’s usually resolved with a promise he can watch TV. I’m such a great parent right now…
And I solemnly swear I will NEVER go paleo. Unless they suddenly make Tim Tams paleo. Did they have them back in the caves?