I shouldn’t have been so excited about a vacuum cleaner. Three years ago I wouldn’t have been. I would’ve been all, “yeah, cool, that’ll come in handy now and then, ta”.
But it’s not three years ago. It’s now. And now I’m pregnant and in possession of a toddler. So a Dyson cordless vacuum is just about the sexiest thing you could offer me. Because toddler. Because now my life is roughly 75% cleaning up shit. ALL DAY LONG.
Never in my life have I spent so much time on my hands and knees picking up crap. I can’t tell you whether my floors are dirtier or cleaner than ever before. But what I can tell you is that a large part of motherhood is cleaning. It’s boring.
And when I say boring, I don’t just mean the cleaning. There are a lot of boring things about being a mum.
WHAT!? How dare you! Motherhood is amazing! It’s a #blessing!
Yeah yeah, that’s true, but let’s be honest here, it’s also so FREAKING repetitive.
“But I totally love it and wouldn’t change it for anything!” you cry. Because you have to say that or people will think you’re evil. But despite the love you have for you children you can’t deny this is mostly a job. A poorly paid, under appreciated, not always stimulating and frequently monotonous job. With perks! But a job. That you LOVE. But a job.
There are some things that do. my. head. in. Things I have to do so frequently it makes me want to cry:
Feed them
You need to feed them. It’s a requirement. They eat ALL THE TIME.
You get all excited for them to start solids and then after the second day you think “shit! I have to do this again? Multiple times a day? And a bowl of cereal is not adequate for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Jesus….”
All well and good if you love to cook, but even then, you don’t get the time to leisurely make gorgeous meals for your special foodie child. You’ve got four minutes before the screaming starts so it better be completely nutritious, toddler approved and the perfect temperature OR ELSE. Now repeat, three times a day. FOR ETERNITY.
Wash them
Bath time is so precious for you and your baby. You feel like you’re in a Johnson and Johnson commercial with soft music and baby giggles and slow motion hair washing. It’s sweet.
Until your baby learns to splash. And climb. And throw water. And then you realise you need to chase them around the bath just to wash them and you end up wondering if you should have just got in the bloody bath with them because you’re so wet anyway. And then you start wondering if they really do need to be washed every day….
And then you need to dress them afterwards... don’t even get me started on that.
Cut their nails
It’s often during the first breastfeed with your beautiful newborn that you discover you’ve given birth to Edward Scissorhands who has razor blades of fury growing from those tiny little fingers. When those claws leave a poisonous trail of papercuts on your previously untarnished breast, you realise you need to cut them. And then two days later you look down and they need to be cut again. There is some sort of superhuman hormone that makes baby nails grow at warp speed and if you don’t keep on top of it everyone is in danger of being mutilated. WHY? WHY do they grow so fast?
Entertain them
Until your child reaches the age they can safely and appropriately choose their own activities, you need to entertain them. Every day. Multiple times a day.
You’re expected to come up with entertaining yet educational activities to stimulate and teach and hone fine motor skills and inspire imagination and create magical moments that will last forever in their impressionable yet eternally unimpressed minds. You’ll spend half your life trying to think up ways to occupy the day. Other than “watch TV” (but “watch TV” will win out more times than you care to admit).
And of course…. CLEAN
Holy Mother of Christ children are PIGS. They are the original source of grime. You will spend half your life cleaning up after them and the other half, breathing deeply and trying to ignore the fact you are surrounded by filth. These little grunge monkeys will dead-set send you round the bend.
So, as you can imagine, having a cordless vacuum to do spot cleaning after the little treasure has come in handy. Like, every day handy. Usually twice a day. It won’t replace your big, bulky vacuum for the proper cleaning, but it will save your sanity for the times your child is playing air hockey with their dinner.
Do you know who doesn’t need one of these vacuums? People with children who can eat a bowl of rice like a normal human being and who don’t leave a Hansel and Gretel trail of biscuit crumbs wherever they go. Even when they’re not eating biscuits. WHERE DO ALL THE CRUMBS COME FROM?
Children shed filth like dogs shed hair. It’s like a cloud of rot that follows them.
Childless Lauren would have been like, “Oh, a cordless Dyson might come in handy for the rare occasion I accidentally drop my bowl of expensive, wanky, clean-eating grains”.
Now I’m like, “HELLS YEAH, does it come with a belt attachment so I can just drag it behind me wherever I go?” Actually scratch that, “does it come with a child-sized harness so it can follow HIM wherever he goes?”
Because TODDLER.
I was given a Dyson V6 Absolute which is the newest and shmickest version of their cordless vacuum and even though I was given it, I would go out and buy it in a heartbeat purely because of the cordless factor. I whip it out multiple times a day to clean up the aftermath of Hurricane Thud. I have floorboards throughout my house and I can’t stand the feeling of crumbs and hair under my feet so I do a 5 minute run over the kitchen floors at least twice a day.
I love that it has a fluffy roller attachment that picks up all the dust and lint and sort of polishes the floor as it goes. It also has a HEPA filter attached so it’s not pumping that dust back out into your face.
I’ll be honest, the battery life isn’t great. It says it lasts 18 minutes but it seems to only last about 10 for me. That’s usually enough for the spot cleaning I need to do but not enough if I want to do the whole bottom floor of our house.
Overall I think my floors are much cleaner because I’m able to do quick and regular clean ups which keep the floors getting gross in the first place. And frankly I’m too large and lazy to get down with a dustpan and broom.
Disclosure: I received a Dyson V6 Absolute for the purpose of this review. All opinions are my own and are based on my experience with the product. This is not a paid/sponsored post.
Is there something you find insanely boring or repetitive about being a parent? Am I the only one who feels like I have to cut bloody fingernails 8 times a week? Is your child as grotty as mine?
34 comments
I just want one. I think it would make me feel much, much better about all the darn crumbs. x
You would love it Bron. LOVE IT.
I have a Vax carpet sweeper which is brilliant at picking up everything and only cost me $120 on the days (every other day) when I can’t be faffed getting my Dyson – I have no idea which model, vacuum out. I hope ok to mention another brand – you will note I threw the Dyson brand in there though. :).
Muesli bars. They are the worst. I never feed them to the toddlers, but my husband does. Crumbly and yet sticky, so everything ends up with individual rolls oats and nut pieces stuck to it. The floor. My socks. The throw rug I use on the sofa. Although lol because it’s never on the sofa, it’s on the floor in the hallway with all the cushions. Which are covered in beige mushy biscuit ness. There are matching beige patches on my bedroom door and the bathroom door where my toddlers have stood banging on the door waiting for me to emerge. #toddlerswerehere
Oh yuck, muesli bars sound about as much fun as rice. Sticky and gritty and EVERYWHERE. I sometimes think I should just give up altogether and live in squalor until my children move out. What’s the point? #toddlerswerehereindeed
OMG my poor Dyson hand held has has a very tough life. It deserves a statue in the front garden or something like that because honestly I dont think we go a day without using it at least eleventy three times xx
How brilliant are they Sonia? So so so brilliant.
YES to all of the above! I remember how excited I was to get our cordless Dyson – it was a sad day!
A sad but happy day I’m sure Becky!
OH GOD YES!!! The endless bloody cleaning – it does my head in!! Repetitive – absolutely! Sanity depleting – even more so! I’ve honestly just had to let go and live in a pig sty – it goes against everything I hold dear but spending each and every moment of every single day down on my hands and knees with a bloody brush and dustpan made me want to scream!!
I sometimes look at my floor and feel rage building up Karen. It’s just SO dirty. If my floor is clean I feel like I have my life slightly in control. And a clean kitchen bench. Everything else can go to hell, but my floors and my bench have to be clean.
I have two toddlers so I TOTALLY understand what you are saying about mess!! I was using a long handled dustpan and broom (so no bending down) and my massive industrial vac (nightmare to maneuver so crap for spot cleans) , but that really wasn’t adequate. So I splurged and bought myself a Kmart cordless (unfortunately a Dyson is so far out of my budget at the moment I had to settle). I FREAKING LOVE IT! When my husband came home from work that day I told him I was going to divorce him and marry the vac!
Oh I get it Dani, I’m the same! Love it! Any sort of cordless vacuum is awesome if it saves you spending all day sweeping the floors. Hate sweeping!!
I’ve had a cordless Dyson for a few years and it’s awesome. My grunge monkey tornadoes leave a never ending trail of cruskit crumbs, popcorn and an entire sandpit’s worth of sand on our floors. Every day. My floor can look semi-decent despite all of this. And just wait – soon you can teach Thud to use it. My tornadoes argue over who gets to “play” with the Dyson!!
This is my ultimate goal in life. When I can get my children cleaning the house for me…. You are a genius Tash.
I had a little dust-buster type Dyson, and I was devastated when it died, perfect for those little spills and crumb explosions that happen on a five-minute basis. I then spent oodles on an anti-allergy plug-in one, and yes, the whole effort of having to drag it out from under the stairs, put it together and plug it in has relegated it to the too-hard basket. So now I’m just revelling in mine and my family’s filth until I plan my next move. And YES!!!! to the fingernails. What is with the speed at which those talons replenish themselves! My son picks/bites his nails off and I am loathe to discourage the habit because it’s one less pair of mitts I have to attend to.
I just don’t get the fingernails Zoe. I mean, WHY? I can’t stand long fingernails on kids because they always have dirt under them and they scratch everything so I’m pretty anal about cutting them short. I swear I do them two or three times a week. I can almost see them growing.
The Dyson sounds good but, if I’m wishing I’m wishing for someone to push it too, hello Mary (as in Poppins) where are you?. With your second you’ll ease up a lot. With Immy I vacummed daily because 2 dogs. Lil Cal grew up chewing on dog hair. Welcome to the house of tumbleweeds, once a week is all I will do. Any more than that you do it yourself. xx
*vacuumed*
If I had one wish it would be to have a cleaner Zoe. Not just a fortnightly deal – an every day cleaner who just did all of the housework every day so I never had to touch a cleaning product or walk into the laundry…. Ahhhh can you imagine? NEVER having to clean? ANYTHING??? Oh lord, that is living the dream right there.
Hands down my all time fave appliance! I’m not sure how I ever survived without my Dyson cordless… And I too had the regular Dyson but have not used it once since getting the cordless. I can get the whole house done off one charge too! Try taking it off super turbo mode and you’ll get more battery life and it still has heaps of suck. It’s awesme for the car and cubby house too! Bloody kids take their mess and crumbs everywhere! Xx
How do I do that Shannon? I must be doing something wrong…
A cordless Dyson should come in the Bounty Bag at the hospital when your baby arrives. Such a must have! Mine isn’t a flash one, just the small handheld but I have been known to clean my kitchen benches with it for a “holy shit people are coming” clean.
Yes! It should be handed out by the government as part of the PPL package. And just this afternoon I vacuumed our bench top to get all the crumbs. I thought this was what everyone did!
“Because toddler” really summed it up! Oh my gosh, I swear I can no longer count on one hand the number of times I sweep or vacuum a day. I NEED that vacuum in my life, stat!
Although, I did just hire a cleaner…BEST THING EVER! I just want to throw my money at her and say ‘good luck with the crayon’.
Bahahahaaaa…. Good luck with the crayon!!! My life goal is to get a cleaner. One day….
I would trade one of my children for a Dyson.
Yes. I just said that in my out-loud voice.
I will back you on this comment. All the way.
It’d be worth it. But then again there’d be much less mess so you might not need it…
Love my cordless Dyson, it is an absolute godsend. I turn off the turbo mode and get a good 20 minutes + out of it and it still sucks hardcore. My 2.5 toddler is has made it her life’s mission to transport whatever foodstuffs that may have been served in the last 24 hours into the carpeted loungeroom, leading to joyful exclamations like “Is that a pea?” “What’s that crust?” “OH GOD NO, NOT THE VEGEMITE” so I feel you on all of this. But we’re so #blessed, right??
Noooo, why does everything end up on the carpet? WHY?? Or the lounge. My poor poor lounge.
Beth, how do I turn off turbo mode? I think I need to do that.
I LOVE my Dyson. I write a post about it as one of my very first blog posts. Haven’t tried the cordless though… 🙂
The cordless is a game changer Rebecca. I have a big Dyson but I haven’t actually used it since I got the cordless because it’s so light and portable and it just hangs on the wall in our pantry so I don’t have to drag it out of a cupboard and plug it in etc. Even my husband is a big fan. And it can be used like a little dust buster too….. OMG can you tell I like it?