I shouldn’t have been so excited about a vacuum cleaner. Three years ago I wouldn’t have been. I would’ve been all, “yeah, cool, that’ll come in handy now and then, ta”.
But it’s not three years ago. It’s now. And now I’m pregnant and in possession of a toddler. So a Dyson cordless vacuum is just about the sexiest thing you could offer me. Because toddler. Because now my life is roughly 75% cleaning up shit. ALL DAY LONG.
Never in my life have I spent so much time on my hands and knees picking up crap. I can’t tell you whether my floors are dirtier or cleaner than ever before. But what I can tell you is that a large part of motherhood is cleaning. It’s boring.
And when I say boring, I don’t just mean the cleaning. There are a lot of boring things about being a mum.
WHAT!? How dare you! Motherhood is amazing! It’s a #blessing!
Yeah yeah, that’s true, but let’s be honest here, it’s also so FREAKING repetitive.
“But I totally love it and wouldn’t change it for anything!” you cry. Because you have to say that or people will think you’re evil. But despite the love you have for you children you can’t deny this is mostly a job. A poorly paid, under appreciated, not always stimulating and frequently monotonous job. With perks! But a job. That you LOVE. But a job.
There are some things that do. my. head. in. Things I have to do so frequently it makes me want to cry:
You need to feed them. It’s a requirement. They eat ALL THE TIME.
You get all excited for them to start solids and then after the second day you think “shit! I have to do this again? Multiple times a day? And a bowl of cereal is not adequate for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Jesus….”
All well and good if you love to cook, but even then, you don’t get the time to leisurely make gorgeous meals for your special foodie child. You’ve got four minutes before the screaming starts so it better be completely nutritious, toddler approved and the perfect temperature OR ELSE. Now repeat, three times a day. FOR ETERNITY.
Bath time is so precious for you and your baby. You feel like you’re in a Johnson and Johnson commercial with soft music and baby giggles and slow motion hair washing. It’s sweet.
Until your baby learns to splash. And climb. And throw water. And then you realise you need to chase them around the bath just to wash them and you end up wondering if you should have just got in the bloody bath with them because you’re so wet anyway. And then you start wondering if they really do need to be washed every day….
And then you need to dress them afterwards... don’t even get me started on that.
Cut their nails
It’s often during the first breastfeed with your beautiful newborn that you discover you’ve given birth to Edward Scissorhands who has razor blades of fury growing from those tiny little fingers. When those claws leave a poisonous trail of papercuts on your previously untarnished breast, you realise you need to cut them. And then two days later you look down and they need to be cut again. There is some sort of superhuman hormone that makes baby nails grow at warp speed and if you don’t keep on top of it everyone is in danger of being mutilated. WHY? WHY do they grow so fast?
Until your child reaches the age they can safely and appropriately choose their own activities, you need to entertain them. Every day. Multiple times a day.
You’re expected to come up with entertaining yet educational activities to stimulate and teach and hone fine motor skills and inspire imagination and create magical moments that will last forever in their impressionable yet eternally unimpressed minds. You’ll spend half your life trying to think up ways to occupy the day. Other than “watch TV” (but “watch TV” will win out more times than you care to admit).
And of course…. CLEAN
Holy Mother of Christ children are PIGS. They are the original source of grime. You will spend half your life cleaning up after them and the other half, breathing deeply and trying to ignore the fact you are surrounded by filth. These little grunge monkeys will dead-set send you round the bend.
So, as you can imagine, having a cordless vacuum to do spot cleaning after the little treasure has come in handy. Like, every day handy. Usually twice a day. It won’t replace your big, bulky vacuum for the proper cleaning, but it will save your sanity for the times your child is playing air hockey with their dinner.
Do you know who doesn’t need one of these vacuums? People with children who can eat a bowl of rice like a normal human being and who don’t leave a Hansel and Gretel trail of biscuit crumbs wherever they go. Even when they’re not eating biscuits. WHERE DO ALL THE CRUMBS COME FROM?
Children shed filth like dogs shed hair. It’s like a cloud of rot that follows them.
Childless Lauren would have been like, “Oh, a cordless Dyson might come in handy for the rare occasion I accidentally drop my bowl of expensive, wanky, clean-eating grains”.
Now I’m like, “HELLS YEAH, does it come with a belt attachment so I can just drag it behind me wherever I go?” Actually scratch that, “does it come with a child-sized harness so it can follow HIM wherever he goes?”
I was given a Dyson V6 Absolute which is the newest and shmickest version of their cordless vacuum and even though I was given it, I would go out and buy it in a heartbeat purely because of the cordless factor. I whip it out multiple times a day to clean up the aftermath of Hurricane Thud. I have floorboards throughout my house and I can’t stand the feeling of crumbs and hair under my feet so I do a 5 minute run over the kitchen floors at least twice a day.
I love that it has a fluffy roller attachment that picks up all the dust and lint and sort of polishes the floor as it goes. It also has a HEPA filter attached so it’s not pumping that dust back out into your face.
I’ll be honest, the battery life isn’t great. It says it lasts 18 minutes but it seems to only last about 10 for me. That’s usually enough for the spot cleaning I need to do but not enough if I want to do the whole bottom floor of our house.
Overall I think my floors are much cleaner because I’m able to do quick and regular clean ups which keep the floors getting gross in the first place. And frankly I’m too large and lazy to get down with a dustpan and broom.
Disclosure: I received a Dyson V6 Absolute for the purpose of this review. All opinions are my own and are based on my experience with the product. This is not a paid/sponsored post.
Is there something you find insanely boring or repetitive about being a parent? Am I the only one who feels like I have to cut bloody fingernails 8 times a week? Is your child as grotty as mine?