How to make leaving the house as painful as possible,
This one goes out to all my home boys and girls dealing with less than ideal parents.
I feel you. And I’ve got you. Let me give you a rundown of how to get your revenge.
Mums like to leave the house on time. They hate being late. They get all cranky and yelly. It’s hilarious. Take, for example, this afternoon:
It’s 2pm and mum is still in her dressing gown. I mean, she’s showered and put on some makeup but she put her dressing gown back on. How lacking in self-respect does one need to be? She totally deserves what’s coming….
She picks up her phone (what’s new?) and tells me we’re going to the park to play with my friend George. Her voice is all squeaky and panicky because we need to be there in 20 minutes.
GOOD LUCK WOMAN.
Step 1 – Evasion
When your mother wants to get you dressed, it’s time to evade. By all means necessary. I like your classic run and hide (in small, impossible to reach places). Dodge and weave is another fun one.
This afternoon I tried a simple technique known as The Roll. I lay down on her bed and rolled all over it while she tried to pin me down. Shit it was funny.
I added some super cute whinging noises just to really set her teeth on edge. I think she caught me smiling once or twice though. I could see her jaw start to clench. Working. A. Treat.
I’d like to highlight this next part to any officers from Child Services who might be reading – she practically SAT ON ME to get me dressed. I’m sure this is not an approved parenting technique. If someone could get back to me on that, it’d be great.
To be fair, it was the only way I was leaving the house with pants on, but still, it was not dignified. For her or me. But then again, she was still in her dressing gown, so I guess dignity’s not her thing.
Step 2 – Resistance
Hear me loud and clear my friends. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET DRESSED AGAINST YOUR WILL. Sure, they may sit on you and forcibly shove your arms into a shirt, but you don’t have to just roll over and take it.
I have a few tactics that are simple but effective.
The leg kick is especially damaging to their self esteem. You’ve got two legs. They’ve got two hands, but they need to hold your pants with one hand, so it requires them to try and get two legs with the other hand. OH. MY. GOD. it’s awesome. It’s like watching cats in a boxing ring. Uncoordinated doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Today I tried a really great one called The Buck. If you’re feeling extra energetic, just jerk your entire body like a raging bull. Ole! That’s a good ten minutes wasted.
We are never getting to that park on time.
Step 3 – Destroy
At some point, your parents will need to take their eyes off you to get themselves dressed. This is the perfect opportunity to seek and destroy.
I will leave this one up to you. Freestyle it. You know what you’re doing here…
Step 4 – Delay
Inevitably, you’ll be at the point where they’re trying to get you in the car. This is when you’ll need to adopt your very best whine.
You suddenly need ALL THE THINGS. Water, biscuits, banana, hat, apple…. anything that comes to mind. You need it DESPERATELY.
This is especially hilarious if you’re strapped into your car seat (don’t forget the old, stiff-as-a-board trick as they’re trying to strap you in by the way. That’s a good one). Just as they think they’re free and clear, demand something you know is still in the house.
Today it was a banana. I knew it was sitting on the bench. She tried to pass off a vegemite sandwich from her handbag. Woman, I don’t know how long that thing has been there, get it out of my face. NARNA!!!!
She fumbled in her bag to find the keys, ran back into the house for the banana…. and when she came back? WANT SAMMICH! Hahahahaha…. holy shit, that was a good one. I swear that nearly snapped her.
Always always always change your mind. And if you can demand something you’ve refused sixty seconds earlier, it really pushes them over the edge.
Bonus points for refusing it one more time as they try to put it in your hand. Who’s the puppet master NOW???
Step 5 – Protest
ALL the way to your destination. Really get in their ear with the high pitched squeal. especially on the big roads when they’re trying to concentrate.
We were running SO late, so this just about popped a vein in her head.
Step 6 – Enjoy
Just because you’ve made their lives hell trying to leave the house, doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself when you get to the park and there are ducks everywhere. You deserve a treat. Enjoy.
There you have it my friends. Go forth and demoralise.
Love Thud xxx
P.S I’m just going to edit this to include the on-cue-poo. While this is not my particular modus operandi, I must acknowledge the effectiveness of a well timed nappy log. Please note that the on-cue-poo is most effective once you’re already in the car.
Many thanks to the people who sent in this tip. We are stronger when we work together.
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