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sleep

How to be a big brother (or sister)

written by Lauren

Thud meets Pop

My friends, I must apologise for my absence. I’ve just been so busy with the new baby, you know? Being a big brother is tough. I mean, people don’t really tell you how hard it’s going to be, do they? It’s UNRELENTING. Mum and Dad have absolutely phoned it in to be honest. They’re all, “can you get me a nappy please?” and “can you pass the wipes?” and “what’s that in the baby’s mouth?”etc. etc. etc. I mean, FFS. Don’t worry guys, you just keep scrolling insta while I take care of the baby.

Seriously, does she shit every four minutes?

So while I’ve been raising this child, I’ve taken some notes on how you too can be a phenomenal big brother or sister:

February 16, 2017

It’s not you, it’s your baby

written by Lauren

Once upon a time you were assessed on your ability to work within a team, to problem solve and to meet client expectations. Now you’re a parent and your whole life’s worth is down to two things: your ability to make your child eat and sleep.

A ‘good’ baby eats like a champ and sleeps like a… well, like a baby. But not the real version of a baby who sleeps in 15 minute blocks and wakes every time you turn the kettle on, the magical unicorn baby who goes down at 7pm and doesn’t stir until 7am.

These ‘good’ babies have wonderful mothers and fathers who have succeeded in passing on the vital life lessons these bubs need to survive. Because babies are basically idiots who don’t understand that eating and sleeping are not only essential for their existence but they are the two greatest joys of life and it baffles me that they don’t come out of the womb knowing this. HOW HARD IS IT? Just close your eyes for God’s sake. IT’S SO EASY.

So anyway, some mums and dads have earned themselves a gold star with their superior parenting, which has produced the highly coveted “text-book baby”.

Meanwhile, mums like me are sitting around, crying into their stewed apple because their child has been awake for 48 hours and refuses to open their mouth.

December 2, 2016

The things I swore I’d never do when I became a mum

written by Lauren

This is a sponsored post

Remember when we all sat around in our skinniest jeans and underwire bras and judged the shit out of all the crap mums around us? We rolled our unbloodshot eyes at those lazy mums who were just letting their kids behave like animals. We knew we’d be different. Better.

I mean, I knew parenting would be hard. I could see how hard it was… for some people. Bless their hearts, they were doing their best. I was just super lucky that I was smart and educated and predisposed to achieve at most things in life and parenting wasn’t going to be any different. I’d read heaps so I was basically an expert before I was even pregnant.

My pre-baby manifesto went something like this:

October 24, 2016

Mum’s tired signs

written by Lauren

From the minute that tiny babe is out of you, you’ll start hearing about “tired signs”

“Do you know your tired signs?”

“Have you been watching her tired signs?”

“What tired signs has he been showing?”

“Won’t somebody think of the TIRED SIGNS!”

Everybody is so bloody preoccupied with the baby’s tired signs that they completely ignore the mother who’s standing there wearing gumboots and a shower cap, brushing her teeth with a candle and obsessively staring at her jerking infant and trying to decide if the baby is tired or if he’s trying to communicate through modern dance.

So, for your reference, here’s a handy guide to a mother’s tired signs:

July 7, 2016

How to survive on no sleep

written by Lauren

You think you’re doing ok for the first few weeks. You can still form sentences and you haven’t started throwing things. Then one day, when you’ve burst into tears because your toddler dropped their bowl of cereal and you’ve decided it’s necessary to call security because the bloke on the supermarket checkout wouldn’t give you an extra bag, you’ll realise the sleep deprivation that comes with having a newborn and a toddler has started to wear you down.

You’re not ‘tired’. ‘Tired’ is when you’ve worked a 12-hour day at the office without stopping for lunch. ‘Tired’ is when you had to wake up at 5am to meet your friend for boot camp. ‘Tired’ is for people who don’t have small children. Those people, bless their cotton socks, need a good nap.

You are exhausted. Shattered. Stunningly fatigued. You don’t need a nap. You need an induced coma. You haven’t slept for more than three hours in a row in weeks, if not months and you’re fantasising about that magical four-hour stretch. You’re convinced that if you could just get four hours in a row, you might be ok. Your head throbs with idiocy and it feels like a wad of wet toilet paper is wedged behind your eyeballs, slowly squeezing them out of their sockets. Rusty razor wire drags over your eyeballs with every blink.

June 14, 2016

24 hours with a newborn and a toddler

written by Lauren

And you thought 24 hours with a newborn was tough. Here is Part Two….

cryingbabies

Let’s start at 3am. Not because it’s the start of the day. There is no start to your day. There is no end. It’s just one long, never-ending, mind-melting continuum of time….

3am

You gently lower your baby into her bassinet and collapse back into bed, hopeful you might get a solid two hours sleep before she wakes again.

You’re asleep before you close your eyes.

3.06am

A 15 kilogram missile launches at you from the end of the bed. A deep, dark part of your brain tells you to take your toddler and put him back in his bed because ‘sleep habits’ or something else that’ll ruin his life, but that would require you to stand up. And talk. And reason with a two year old. And 6 minutes sleep has not equipped you for that shit.

He falls asleep with his big toe in your ear, his arm across his father’s face and with his future as one of those creepy guys selling body scrub to housewives in the middle of the shopping centre, secured.

He’s a heavy breather. The baby has a blocked nose and coos like a pigeon in her sleep. The husband snores. The cat is at the foot of the bed purring like a Harley. It’s a suffocation of smug comfort and ENT issues.

March 31, 2016

24 hours with a newborn

written by Lauren

Let’s start at 5am. Not because it’s the start of the day. There is no start to your day. There is no end. It’s just one long, never-ending, mind-melting continuum of time from the minute you come home from the hospital until…. dunno, I’ll let you know when I get there.

5am

You’ve been sleeping for 40 glorious minutes when you are woken by the bleating of your baby in the bassinet next to you. You swear you fed her about 15 seconds ago. You’re pretty sure your left eyeball is bleeding because when your eyes are open non-stop for three weeks, they start to crack and peel from exposure to the elements.

You stick your baby on your boob while you sit up in bed. It used to hurt like a bitch but your nipples are now completely numb because the incessant feeding has toughened them into a pair of nice leather coasters. Your nipples are now like the soles of Tarzan’s feet. You could climb a palm tree with those boobs.

March 17, 2016

If I should die…

written by Lauren

When I hear about parents dying, my first thought is always the children. My heart aches for them, knowing they’ll go to bed at night crying for their mum or dad and struggling to understand why they’re not there to comfort them.

I am terrified of leaving my baby behind. I don’t know why it haunts me so much but from the day I became a mother I’ve been panicked at the thought of dying. It’s truly one of my greatest fears.

It’s not the end of my life that worries me; it’s the beginning of his life without me. Grieving for a parent is something no child should have to do. It physically hurts my heart to imagine my son would ever have to come to terms with the news that mummy is never coming home.

Sometimes I write him little notes or record video messages so he has something to remember me by. Just in case. Like this one…

October 13, 2015

sleep

How to be a big brother (or sister)

Like this:

It’s not you, it’s your baby

Like this:

The things I swore I’d never do when I became a mum

Like this:

Mum’s tired signs

Like this:

How to survive on no sleep

Like this:

24 hours with a newborn and a toddler

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24 hours with a newborn

Like this:

If I should die…

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sleep

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