Tag:

sleep

Go to SLEEP

written by Lauren

SLEEP! It’s awesome. You’ll love it!

My child is the master of delaying sleep. He’s written the book on it. He knows all the tricks.

But I’m wise to his game. This is my reply to his sleep delay manifesto:

My darling Thud,

I see you in your jammies and you smell like heaven. I could cuddle you all day. In fact, let’s do that tomorrow instead of you just running away from me all day. Let’s just cuddle, ok?

But now it is night-time and mummy is tired.

Please go to sleep.

I’ve read you five books and I think that’s about enough education for today. You seem developmentally on target. I mean, what do I pay all that money to day care for if it isn’t to provide you with the sound, educational experience that I don’t have the skills to do myself? They seem to be doing a bang-up job, so I’m not feeling particularly guilty about this one.

Just go to sleep now, ok?

September 22, 2015

Win the bedtime battle

written by Lauren

Top tips and tricks to delay and destroy bedtime,

By Thud

Comrades, in our efforts to demoralise and dominate, I’d like to bring you my best tips for destroying bedtime.

This is a particularly painful one for parents because they’re so freaking precious about their ‘me-time’ and they’re desperate for you to go to sleep so they can go off and enjoy their life without you.

I don’t know about you but I find that excessively selfish and I believe it’s our duty to remind them where their priorities lie. i.e. with YOU.

When it comes to bedtime, your number one aim is to delay. Because:

A. Bed is boring. They’re having WAY too much fun without you when you go to sleep. Trust me on this.

B. It’s not your job to make their life easy.

You have a number of tools in your arsenal so let me help you use them:

1. Freshly washed cuteness.

Parents have a weird thing about clean. They like it. When you’re freshly washed and dressed, smelling like baby soap they go a bit soft. You need to maximise this as much as possible. Really draw out the cuddles and the ‘I love you’s’ because it will make them a weaker target.

Please note: The nudie run is a great option if you’d like to delay the getting dressed part. I love a good long streak in the evening.

September 8, 2015

Are successful women unsuccessful mums?

written by Lauren

My ten week old baby had closed his beautiful blue eyes approximately three times in his entire life. I wasn’t just tired, I was WIRED. My brain was breaking the sound barrier as it hurtled around my skull. I felt like I was on fast forward and a bit tweaky as I arrived early for our second mothers group session at the local health clinic.

I couldn’t get into the classroom because the nurses were having a staff meeting, so I waited outside, hugging my wide-eyed baby and mentally reviewing everything I’d read about baby sleep in the last couple of months (I never stopped reading). I thought about all the questions I was going to ask the nurse when the session started. I kicked myself for not bringing a notebook.

March 25, 2015

10 enemies of the sleeping baby

written by Lauren

10 enemies of the sleeping baby - if you want to keep that baby asleep, you're going to have to jump through some hoops.... I just fell down the stairs. Hard. Can you break your arse? Pretty confident my bum bone is shattered.

My foot slipped on the edge of the step and down I went. Despite the almighty crash and the searing pain in my behind, I didn’t make a squeak. All I could think was “Oh god, don’t wake up, don’t wake up.”

Because I’d just put my child down for a nap and nothing, not even a shard of arse bone piercing my glute could bring me to wake him.

Thud is what mums euphemistically call ‘not a great sleeper’ which is code for ‘my eyes burn with an exhaustion so fierce I can taste colours.’