Hi buddy old pal, it’s Thud here. I know you know who I am because apparently you’ve been watching me (bit suss to be honest, but I’m willing to look past it. Because presents).
First up, I want to apologise for my indifference last year. I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t know/care about you, but I was young and dumb. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know where my nose was either.
Don’t worry, I’ve matured now. I’ve figured it all out. Sort of.
I mean, from what I understand, you’re a pretty big deal. Mum and Dad talk about you non-stop like you’re the judge, jury and executioner rolled into one. It’s clear I’m supposed to love and fear you in equal measure.
Secondly, I need you to know I respect you, so please accept my apologies for our less than ideal meeting last week.
I blame Mum.
She was pretty keen for me to speak to you. Every time we see you at the shops she gets all high-pitched and squeaky. She starts with the “Oh looook Santa!” squeal, like freaking Jesus dressed as Elvis has just walked past. She’s seriously into you mate. It worries me a bit. It’d worry me more but Dad’s also a huge fan, so I figure he’s alright with it. Whatever floats their boat #nojudgement.
So anyway, she was being incredibly pushy, like some Dance Mom, but I was trying to play it cool. I know you’re a busy man. I see the lines of people waiting to talk to you.
Just between you and me Santa, does that get old? I mean there you are, just a man in a red suit, trying to get your shopping done and you’re mobbed by hoards of screaming, sticky children and their over eager parents. They’re literally climbing on top of you. ALL. DAY. LONG. You must have to get your groceries delivered because I’ve never seen you actually make it into the supermarket. What a pain in the arse. Amiright?
So what I’m saying is, when I started to kick and scream, it wasn’t about you, it was about THEM. The parents, your scarily dressed side kicks, ALL of them. THE ESTABLISHMENT.
I was trying to give you some personal space Santa. It was my protest against your mistreatment. I was putting your needs ahead of my own because clearly I love you more than everyone else. You’re welcome.
So…. while we’re on the subject of what a great kid I am, I just wanted to check if I’m getting extra presents because of how considerate I am? Because I’m so selfless? Because I’m not invading your personal space and demanding shit from you?
Because if you are looking to reward my thoughtfulness, I’ve put together a rough list. Totally off the top of my head…
THINGS I’D LOVE FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE SANTA
1. Anything and everything in the kitchen top drawer. There must be some seriously good shit in there because Jesus H. Christ it makes my mum run when I open that drawer. I stood on my toes last week and could just reach in. Fished around a bit and pulled out some sharp looking sticks. Oh Santa! You should have seen that reaction! Classic Mum. So yeah, get me in there please. VIP Pass.
2. Just ONCE, can I please drive the car. It doesn’t make sense that I’m stuck in the back. I reckon I’d be so so good at the driving. If you can’t swing the drivers seat, I’ll settle for the passenger side. But it has to be a long drive. Not one of those “moving the car out of the garage” shams. Honestly, that’s not even worth my time.
3. I’d like a few more garage door openers please. Dad keeps hiding them. Santa, do you know what it feels like to have the power to open doors right at your finger tips!? It’s intoxicating. You should try it.
4. An ipad or an iphone. It would really help improve the mood around here if I didn’t need to share one with mum or dad. Not that anyone knows the word “share” in this house. Every time I try to touch their phones, they hide them from me. Sharing is caring, people. SHARING IS CARING!
5. I’d like Mum to hold me more. Specifically at night time. What I mean is ALL night. Like, if she could just sit in that chair in my room and hold me while I slept all night, that’d be great.
6. Please make Bella the Cat love me. She’s so distant and aloof. I know she’d love me if she just let me hug her more. I want to hug her SO HARD.
7. If I can’t have Bella’s love, please give me all the dogs. All the dogs should live at my house. Thanks.
8. Please explain to Mummy and Daddy that I believe in an open shower door policy. Please spell it out clearly. They’ve failed to pick up my not-so-subtle hints of banging and screaming at the door.
Thanks heaps Santa. I’ve been really, really good. (Do me a favour and disregard anything that mum says ok? She makes shit up. If you want a character reference, I suggest you talk to my Nan and Grampa).
Lots of love and respect and support,
18 months old
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This is part of a Christmas Party Linkup I’m hosting with some of my favourite bloggers: Calm to Conniption, Life at Number Five, Our Urban Box, From The Left Field, Boiled Eggs and Soldiers, You Had Us At Hello and Stephs Joy.
Link up your favourite Christmas post from this year and then pop around and say hello to some of the other lovely linkers. The party has just begun and links will close on Boxing Day so plenty of time to visit some of your favourite bloggers and wish them a Merry Christmas!