Forgive her “first-time mumness”
So she’s packed half the wardrobe for a two-hour play date. So she’s sanitising everything her child touches. So she’s hovering over her child and jumping at every near miss or dropped lip. So what?
When you were a brand new mum you worried and stressed and hovered too. You wanted to be on top of it all. Remember? Don’t roll your eyes and make her feel like she’s being an idiot. She knows she’s being OTT, but it helps her feel in control. Just smile and tell her how scary you found it when your little ones were learning to walk. Because it was … remember?
Let her figure it out
You know what’s likely to cause homicidal rage in a first-time mum? The phrase “Trust me, I’ve raised X amount of kids ..” (subtext “and you clearly need my help because you’re doing it all wrong”) as you hover and wince and barely stop yourself grabbing the baby out of her arms.
Congratulations, we’re all so happy for you and your X amount of children. But you haven’t raised this woman’s child. Condescension isn’t going to give her the confidence to figure it out.
Please note: the intensity of her homicidal rage will be directly proportional to the age of your children. If your kids don’t live at home anymore, please forgive this new mum for laughing off your friendly suggestion that she dip her baby’s dummy in brandy to help him sleep. Things have changed.
Don’t ‘one-up’ her stories
When she’s telling you how her baby woke five times overnight, don’t scoff and tell her that’s nothing because your two used to tag-team all night long and you averaged four minutes sleep because when you’re a mother of two you never get a break.
Keep your eyeballs front and centre, keep your eyebrows where they are and tell her you understand. Tell her you know how hard it is and you totally understand her desire to head-butt the wall.
Don’t dismiss her worries by saying it “will get better”. She knows it will. But she doesn’t care about 12 months from now, she only cares about today. And today it sucks. Remember that?
Don’t tell her you’ve got it worse
When she’s crying because her baby is sick and there’s snot everywhere, don’t tell her your three kids have gastro so she’s “getting no sympathy” from you.
Spread the sympathy around. She might only have one child, but it doesn’t make her less of a mum. Try and remember what it was like the first time you had a sick baby. It sucks.
Don’t say “wait until …”
When a first-time mum is saying how hard she’s finding her new baby, don’t be a complete arsehole and say “wait until you have two!”
Mums always want to have it the hardest. “You think you’ve got it bad? Wait until you have FOUR children refusing to eat/get dressed/ bathe/ speak to you…”
You know what? She knows. She knows it will get harder with a second or third child. Most people can count well enough to know that two is more than one.
I have never heard a first time mum suggest things are harder for her than they are for a second or third time mum. NEVER. We may be tired, but we’re not stupid.
She’s at the start of the race …
Being a mum is a bit like being an athlete. You need to train and build up your fitness in order to survive more than one child (with a very deep tip of my hat to all the mums of multiples).
In the beginning, you’re like a couch potato who has been told to get up and sprint for 1km. That’s rough. That’s falling across the finish line and spewing your guts up rough. If you’ve never even jogged before, you’re going to find it the toughest run of your life.
By the end of the first year you can run that 1km easy. You might even be making it to 2 or 3km. You’re still wrecked at the end, but you’re not passing out from the effort.
Then you have a second kid and you’re suddenly told to go flat out for 10km.
Of course that’s hard. That’s crazy hard. All of a sudden that 1km sprint sounds like a piece of cake.
But that mum who’s doing her very first 1km sprint is also struggling. She’s just not as fit as you. There’s NO WAY she’d be able to do what you’re doing but she’s not trying to compete with you, she’s just trying to finish her race.
So when a mum of four or five kids says “You’ll get no sympathy from me!” that’s a bit like Usain Bolt saying “Pfft! You call that a run?”
So Future-Lauren, I hope you’re reading this when you have another kid or two. Remember, don’t be an arsehat.
40 comments
[…] is pretty bloody unfair. You are super fit because you’ve been training for years. They’re a bowl of jelly on […]
[…] to welcome baby number two, I’m getting ready to hand in my crown. My reign as a ‘first time mum‘ is coming to an […]
Fabulous! I always get ‘Oh you think one is bad’ Yes, yes I do and that is precisely why it will stay at one! 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up to #TheList x
It’s frustrating isn’t it! Like you’re not really a mum if you only have one. Thanks so much for hosting. I love it! xxx
Arsehat is the best word I have ever read. Very funny and oh so true 😀
Alice x
#thelist
Hahaha, thanks for stopping by Alice! xx
Love this post, I can relate to so much of it. #thelist
Thanks for stopping by Stacey xx
I agree with every point. I went a bit nuts at the start sanitising everything but then thought “you know what I am being ridiculous” especially when he started cuddling the cat and dog and was no doubt picking up every germ going. My sister – mother of two – thought it was appalling but he is one of the healthiest kids I know. I must admit though I really have to hold myself back on the one up-manship point you raise. It is always tempting as your mind starts reminiscing so I hope I haven’t turned in to “that woman”!! #TheList
I’m sure you haven’t 😉 but I think it’s nice for everyone to remember what it was like for them the first time around. We all needed to learn! Thanks for stopping by xx
All of this. ALL OF IT. The condescension and one-up-mumship alone would surely be fueling at least half the PND cases of the world. It was SO DEPRESSING having ‘better’ mums hovering and feeling like I was doing everything wrong. And there is nothing worse than being told that the fear you feel so utterly is somehow ridiculous.
I may be an old-hag mum of three these days, but I make it an absolute priority to support new mums, not harangue them!!! x
ahhh yep and yep yep yep yep. Also dont tell another mum how easy your children are when hers are being major turds xx
[…] What not to say to a first time mum – as a soon to be first time mum, I implore you to pay attention to these wise words (and don’t be an arsehat)! […]
I don’t have kids so can’t comment but I’ve observed my friends closely and this happens all the time. All the time.! All the arsehats! (I am totally nicking that one!) Aren’t all mums doing one of the most rewarding but most demanding job in the universe, irrespective of how many kids in their care?! I love the race analogy, that totally sums it up!
“It’s just a phase” is the saying I most despise. Whether I was a first time mum or being told it after having two kids, that saying does not help me. I know it’s a phase but it feels like it’s going on forever. Better to smile and nod and buy me a coffee (or pour a glass of wine if it’s that time of day!). Can’t wait to read all the new blog content Lauren 🙂
I love this post for so many reasons! Even after having 3 I don’t know everything. I will say that life us busier with 3 and a lot of the stuff we stress about as first time mums goes by the wayside with the third. Being a first time mum is a huge learning curve, second time around you relax into it a bit more I think. Enjoy the trying. 😉
Yes to all the things!! It’s one of the things I’m dreading about bubba finally arriving, the insufferable advice/comments from people who think they’ve been there, done that. The worst is people whose kids are now teenagers who offer advice. Yeah, sorry, but you haven’t had a baby in 12 years so you’ll forgive me if I take your comments and ‘advice’ with a grain (or bucket!) of salt.
The worst ever… I had my second baby, the gingerboy, crying crying crying… and other “more experienced mums” told me taking him from my arms:” let me do it for you” arrrgggh and he was my second not my frist! see how awful? apparently you need to prove your capacity as a mum anytime!!!xx
I love this article! Will be sharing on my blog’s Facebook page!!
Quite a few times when I was a first time mum I had some know it alls put their two bob’s worth in. And always at times when you want a little sympathy too. I will never be one of those people. If a friend or a sister of mine needs a whinge about their one or two kids then I am all ears. I’m not going to talk about how my kids are sicker or throw more tantrums. I’ll just lend an ear. Why is that so hard for some people to do?
I’m like Jess… Got 4 but feel I know less than I did when they were younger… Comparing your birthing story to a new mum when your child is 8yrs old makes me cringe…. Get over it already… If anyone asks me I just say I can no longer exercise in the afternoon with protection
Without protection… Lol
After reading this I realise I was most probably an insufferable bitch when I was on baby number four or five. I’d had a lot of role models you see. Everything you’ve written is so true. That’s exactly the sort of terrible things a first time mother has to put up with. I won’t be doing it to my daughter-in-laws (when I get them) though.
Great post. I think I’m guilty of some of those comments. But admittedly I don’t offer “advice” unless someone asks me directly. I love getting together with girlfriends and the non parented ones have the most to say about parenting topics.
I use “it gets easier” comment when I dont know what to say to a tired frustrated first time mum.
I have four and I’m pretty sure that the more I had, the less I kind of know!
Not in all things, but definitely in the ‘every kid is different and one size does not fit all,’ category, and it does give you more compassion for those starting out.
This was a great list, and a good reminder. My youngest is nearly five and those baby days are easily forgotten. xx
I have one child and I plan to keep it that way. I have people tell me all of the time that I’ll change my mind, that I’m selfish for only having one child. I had to go off my medication when I fell pregnant and I was a raving lunatic. I’m talking my partner rang my parents in tears because I was not coping at all. I don’t want to go through that again and I think it would be unfair to put my son through it.
No kids, so no real comment from experience here, other than to observe that a lot of life’s learning can come from experience – how do you know when you need to hover until you hover and then learn when you do and don’t need to be super-vigilant?
now I’ll be stalking you waiting for baby news!!
I’m still laughing coz you wrote ‘arsehat’ .
I think 1, 2, 3 or those crazy enough to have even more – we are all in it together. It’s all a big learning curve and I don’t think anything is as hard as being a first time parent. I do think it’s a bit exciting that you are starting to entertain the idea of having another though….
All very good points. Although sometimes I’ve found advice from experienced mums to be very helpful – if it’s asked for, of course!!
P.S. you should definitely have another baby x
I just read this while Len cooed at me, smiling and shitting all over my leg. Is it alright to say to a first time Mum we have all been there and second time around is sooooo much nicer!!
Truthfully those years of one, two and three children are far, far harder than any subsequent children. A little depends on the personalities of the child/ren, the age spacing, the husband/family support etc. It baffles me that any experienced mother would forget that and not listen, empathise and hug.
You;ll be okay Lauren, just remember you have a little more experience ‘under your belt’ than you did the first time. The main thing is to listen to YOUR instincts. Congrats:)
Oh! Haha! This isn’t an announcement Erin….!! More like a build up to a possible announcement sometime in the future. Hopefully. But not yet 😉
I love the running analogy cause that is exactly what it is like when another one comes along
I’ve always said you need to go into training to have kids. You can’t suddenly have a couple of kids and be expected to survive that. You need to start with a newborn and build your fitness from there.
I hate the one-upmanship- like everything is a competition. Friendly reminder- if your kid woke more/cried more/ did more poonamis/ got teeth at three days old or was walking before eating solid food, you don’t get a fucking prize. Understanding and empathy go a lot further than “winning”! Great post Lauren 🙂
It’s so bizarre Amy. Why do mums do it? To prove they work harder? That they’re more successful? Are they that starved of recognition?
I’m actually a really competitive person normally, but I’ve never felt the need to compete with my child. I’ve actually cut ties with a mum who was always trying to compete with me. It made me sick.
But…but…. That’s the only reason I HAD baby number two. Please don’t take this away from me.
Typical 😉
Sounds fair. I think the only reason I want another child is to give me some more blog content.