As I prepare to welcome baby number two, I’m getting ready to hand in my crown. My reign as a ‘first time mum‘ is coming to an end.
As I leave this period of my life and re-emerge as a regular old mum of kidS, I feel it’s time to pass on some advice and observations….
You won’t enjoy it all
The occasional breakdown is totally normal. It doesn’t mean you’re suffering PND or you’re a terrible mother. It just means you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. It’s ok to want to make it all go away and wish for a moment you had your old life back.
It’s only when that’s all you can think about that you might want to talk to someone. But don’t be alarmed if those thoughts hit you now and then. That’s not abnormal, that’s just being the victim of a tiny, new dictator.
You will be treated like a special kind of moron by most medical professionals
With just three words they’ll dismiss every valid concern you might have… “First time mum?” said with a head tilt and pity in their eyes.
It’s ok to feel stupendously dumb on a regular basis
No matter how intelligent you are or how much time you’ve spent around babies, nothing prepares you for this job. You are seriously under qualified and you’re forced to work it all out for yourself. There’s no other time in your life you’ll be this far out of your depth.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Every new mum has felt like that and every new mum to come will feel the same. Just laugh off your mistakes and hope you get it right for the second kid. The first one’s just a practice run, right?
If you happen to have one of those perfect babies, don’t brag about them
It’s totally possible you’ll get a text book baby. They have to base those books on someone, so you could totally hit the jackpot.
I promise it’s a mixture of pure luck and destiny. Don’t alienate your new mum friends by being a sanctimummy who thinks they know it all. And always remember: babies change on the daily. Your perfect sleeper at 8 weeks could become the worst sleeper of all time at 3 months and it will suck if you’ve been bragging because you won’t feel like you can admit when everything’s gone to shit.
If your kid is the opposite of everything the books say, that’s totally normal too. Sometimes babies are jerks, sent to destroy you. You’ll love them anyway.
You’ll need new mum friends
Join a mothers group. If you’re lucky you’ll be put in a group of awesomely honest women who are at the exact same stage as you. It’s a sanity saver to know you’re not alone.
No one in your life knows what you’re going through like these women. Trust them. Be open with them. Don’t judge them. Don’t try and compete with them. Take the opportunity to be completely vulnerable and admit what you’re struggling with. They’ll be your biggest support.
And if you happen to get one of those competitive mums in your group? Cut her out like the cancer she is. You don’t need that bullshit in your life.
Don’t worry about remembering every moment
It’s ok to let some stuff go. Take photos, take videos, but don’t feel like you’ve failed if you don’t note every single new thing they do. You’ll never look back and be pleased you wrote about the day your baby did their first semi-solid poo.
Don’t rush it
You’ll feel it’s vitally important and significant if and when your child hits their milestones. I promise, if your child isn’t rolling over at 5 weeks it’s not a drama. They will eventually. No kid has ever failed high school because they were a late roller. I think.
Don’t be alarmed if you have no instincts whatsoever
When people say “you’ll know exactly what your baby wants and needs” don’t freak out because you’ve got fuck all idea and all their cries sound the same to you. You’ll get to know them eventually but it could take months and months before you feel like the most qualified person to care for your baby.
You’ll want feedback but you won’t get it
You’ll just want some expert to tell you you’re doing a good job. Instead you’ll have to perform one of those irritating self-appraisals.
Let me give you a hot tip – just give yourself “outstanding” on everything because, let’s be honest, no one’s around to contradict you and quite frankly, if you and your child are surviving each day you’re doing an outstanding job.
Don’t be surprised if it takes weeks to fall in love
For the first 6 weeks or so, babies are greedy sons of bitches. All they want is to be fed and cuddled. They won’t smile, they won’t say thanks. They won’t react much to you at all. It can feel like a very one sided relationship. But eventually they’ll start to smile and gurgle and they’ll look at you like you created sunshine and you’ll feel pretty bloody special.
It’s ok to veg out
Don’t listen to all the ‘experts’ that say helpful things like, “take some time for yourself. Go for a walk. Exercise is so important for new mums!” Ugh GAG! If you love to exercise, you should do it. If all you want to do is sit on your arse and watch Grey’s Anatomy. Do that.
Don’t feel pressured to be up and at it every day like a supermum on speed. If being a hermit and eating biscuits is what you need to do, do it.
You won’t always want to sloth around so let yourself relax for now if you need to and don’t feel like you need to live up to anyone else’s Instagram expectations of the Perfect New Mum.
Google can only lead to pain
Don’t get me wrong, I expect you’ll be on Google for roughly 80% of your day. I was. But just know that for every question you have, you’ll find 700 different answers and opinions and they’ll all contradict each other.
Choose whichever sounds the easiest and try that first. If your gut tells you it’s not going to work, forget it. If it’s all just too much information and you’re starting to get the iPhone shakes, put down the phone and forget about ‘fixing’ your baby just for today. They’ll still be broken tomorrow.
Don’t listen to people who tell you to “treasure every moment”
They’ve forgotten how tough it can be. Hindsight is an absolute cretin and makes people say stupid things. Yes, you absolutely will look back with rosy glasses and think how wonderful it was when your baby was so tiny and still and dependent. But that doesn’t help you at all today.
Today is a grind and you wish your baby could just talk to you and tell you what’s wrong.
You’re allowed to complain about it
No one will think you don’t love your baby just because you’ve had a hard day and wanted to pack up your child and post them to your parents. You’ll discover that even in the middle of your worst mothering moments, you still actually love them – even if you don’t like them very much.
It all balances out
Because you’ll also have days where you feel like you’re killing it. Your baby eats and sleeps and smiles and gurgles and rolls over and does all the amazing things babies are supposed to do and you convince yourself you have the greatest baby that was ever born and you wonder if you should alert the media. It will make you feel like you’ve just won a triathlon while writing a thesis on parenthood.
And then tomorrow you’ll be in tears because it didn’t stay that way. Welcome to parenthood!
What advice would you give a new mum? If you are a new mum, what advice have you found helpful (or not)?
25 comments
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The best piece of advice I ever got was ‘Babies don’t read books, why should you?’ So I didn’t and as a result I’ve had no expectations, and trusted instincts. Much better to read blogs like this that are honest and life affirming and don’t make you question your every decision!
I wish I read this six years ago when I had my daughter. I was under pressure so much because I didn’t feel happy. I felt guilty all the time toward my baby because I wasn’t happy and I secretly wanted to escape. After six years it still is a scar and something I need to work on for the relationship I have with my daughter. Thank you for your honest words.
I wish I read this blog before I gave birth to my first born! I had the same emotions and experiences and I always thought that I might be/was a terrible mother. Thank you so much for this. 🙂
Oh I thought I was terrible too Deeji! I’ve come to learn that if you’re worried you’re terrible, you’re probably not. Because the truly terrible parents don’t worry about it at all!
For first time mommies, all I can say is not to put too much pressure on yourself. Just do what a normal mother would do. If you’re in doubt, that’s the time you ask. And it’s always better to ask an experienced mom rather than Google alone.
For first time mommies, all I can say is not to put too much pressure on yourself. Just do what a normal mother would do. If you’re in doubt, that the time you ask. And it’s always better to ask an experienced mom rather than Google alone.
I think you have covered it all. Don’t google and find other first time Mums who have babies the same age. So important! Find the people you can vent to. Your brain (and heart) needs it.
Lauren, fab advice from the heart, head and gut! Mothers Groups make friends for life in many cases don’t they! Glad you have a good one. “In my day” in 1970s I was teaching full time, then had maternity leave for Baby 1 (now 44) & I missed my work life terribly because there was only so much company a baby can give! Mind you. I lived on an isolated property in the small rural community where both hub & I taught & there was no-one for me to see or meet with! I went back to school when she was 6 months (she stayed with my boss’ wife next door to the school) & I was a happier mum! No such thing as part time work then either.
So much more understanding these days about how we need to stay connected.
I’m thinking of you and hope Baby 2 arrived safely and that your little boy is happy to be big bro! Denyse xx
Arrives (not arrived!) xx
Great advice. I’ve still got just the one (he’s 4) and gosh I feel like the 2015 me could tell the 2011 me so many things!!
I’d also say, let the hormones take some credit for some of the crazy. I look back and now I can recognise the difference between hormones making me freak out vs the real me freaking out haha. I think I forgot who I was for a bit. Next time I’d be, “Oh hello hormones. We’ve met before. I still know who I am. Let’s ride this out together.”
Or I’d swear a lot and get on with it. Whatever sounds better haha.
Also, DO NOT compare to anyone else. DO NOT let people’s stupid comments penetrate your soft, hormonal skin. DO NOT. I spent the whole first year so full of crippling doubts and anxieties about whether I was doing every single thing absolutely right, but also about whether I could admit to the things I had chosen in case I was judged. It was actually watching one of my friends (who’s a real bad ass and I love her for it) being brutally honest about everything that made me realise I didn’t judge her one bit and nobody else worth listening to did either. From then on, I was inspired by all the f*cks she did not give and never looked back. My mum’s group played a big part in that too.
Kick those sanctimummies with their passive aggressive comments and questions (and facial expressions) to the curb. They are probably as insecure as you, but if they’re making you question your sanity after every exchange, take a break. No shame in that. I wish I’d done that earlier.
So good, Lauren. I wish I’d read this before I’d had my baby, so I’m sending it around to pregnant friends so that they may get the benefit instead!
Excellent report Lauren. So true. They all grow up and turn out how they are supposed to. I remember a teacher one of mine had got me to take my five year old to an orthopedic specialist because he couldn’t skip. The doctor said ” so how often do you skip?” I said never. He said “so if he doesn’t master skipping he will probably make it through life”. A truer word was never said. And he did end up learning to skip but very rarely does now lol. Enjoy the new bubba. Good luck!
Hahaha, imagine if skipping was a vital life skill!? How ridiculous!
Excellent! I jade the best advice when preggers with first…”always remember baby comes to live with you” and “from the time they exit your womb you need to loosen the apron strings and to have done yourself out of a job by their 18th birthday “. Personally as a mum of two men (17&20), you’re here to guide them not own or control them. Allow them to shine, nurture when needed, educate as much as possible and soak it up xx
That’s beautiful Jenni. It’s hard to remember sometimes that they need to be their own person and not just an extension of yourself. Especially when you’re going through the terrible twos and realising they have their own opinions! Bloody hell!
‘This too shall pass’ was my mantra with small babies. That and ‘breathe.’
Excellent tips here Lauren and a great teninder that some of us struggle through babies but come into our own as mum to bigger kids. My mothers group is a joy. Still friends seven and a half years later. Good luck with number two! xx
Reminder! What’s a ‘teninder’ predictive text? Gah!
I love my mums group too Ellen! They’re just beautiful people and I’ll always be bonded to them because we went through this all together. And I’m so excited because three of us are having our second babies together so we get to do it all again!
This really is gold. All of it. Wish I read this 4 yrs ago! I’ve forgotten so much already including all the good and bad advice I received. Thinking of you and cannot wait to hear when your little miss arrives. Xx
I wish someone had told me this too Shannon. I felt like such a failure so many times but the best discovery was learning that so many women feel exactly the same. I think if I’d known I was totally normal I wouldn’t have worried so much.