In our quest for world peace – and to avoid being slapped across the face – we all tend to follow some basic rules when interacting with other humans.
- We try to be civil.
- We consider it impolite to comment on another person’s appearance.
- We respect each other’s privacy.
- We usually think before we speak.
These rules do not apply to pregnant women and mums.
The minute you announce you’re pregnant, things change.
Privacy GONE. Social boundaries SEE YA. Appropriate workplace conversation WHAT’S THAT?
My last post was about the busy bodies who get all judgey and disappointed when women dare to produce multiple children of the same gender. (I mean, we all know that shit’s not on, but there are still women out there who keep popping out baby boys, flatly refusing to produce the little girl the neighbour really wants.)
From the comments you all made, it seems nearly everyone in the history of child production has, at one point or another, been insulted about their baby bump, harassed about their sex life or (worst of all) pitied for the children they have/don’t have.
Here are the best of the worst, along with some suggested responses. (These are actual, real-life comments, from actual, real-life people…. For real.)
You’re pregnant but you keep insisting on turning up to work. For shame.
Who doesn’t love an awkward and inappropriate exchange in the tea-room? Where is that HR woman when you need her?
“Next time wear a condom,” says male boss.
And you should’ve said: “What a shame your father didn’t.”
“Are you planning on breastfeeding?” asks older male colleague.
You could’ve replied: “I need to know why this is important to share with you, old mate.Will this harm my chances of promotion? Shall I also share details of my episiotomy with you? Well, my perineum was stretched to the limit……”
“Whoa, don’t give birth in my office!” says male colleague.
And you should’ve warned him: “You know the stress caused from being around fuckwits can bring about premature labour? Better watch yourself lest I drop my amniotic sac on your foot. Bombs away!”
You’re growing a human and it has made you large.
While every human being on the planet understands it’s rude to comment on someone’s weight, a pregnant belly is fair game. If you think you have the right to be seen in public with that growth on your front, you’ve only yourself to blame.
“Are you sure there’s only one in there?”
“Oh my god, you’re huge!”
“You couldn’t possibly get any bigger “
“Are you pregnant or just fat?”
Phew, lucky we’ve got you geniuses to point out our larger than normal size. We could be walking around, COMPLETELY unaware that we have a human being INSIDE OUR BODY.
The best retaliation for such arseholery:
“At least I can lose this weight. What are you going to do about your face?”
You are expecting your third (fourth, fifth…) son and I am so upset about it.
While the old lady in the supermarket queue does not know you and will never meet your baby son, she’s still pretty gutted that you’re not having a daughter this time around.
“Oh what a shame”
“Don’t you wish you had a girl?”
“So very sorry for you.”
“God will have the gates opened up wide for you when its your time because you have survived raising so many sons.”
“Oh bummer, I hope the next one is a girl.”
“Are you jealous your sister has a girl?”
You are expecting your third (fourth, fifth…) daughter and I am so upset about it.
Your Aunty still hasn’t met your second daughter but it doesn’t stop her from giving you a special phone call to let you know how deeply emotional she is about your failure to produce a son.
“Oh what a shame, there’s always next time to try for a boy”
“Your poor husband will be so outnumbered”
“Imagine a house full of PMS!”
For mothers-of-boys or mothers-of-girls dealing with the general community’s profound gender disappointment, I recommend one of the following responses:
“I’m so sorry you feel so disappointed with my perfect little baby. Don’t worry, you won’t need to be a part of their life. They will only be surrounded by the people who love them.”
“Please don’t pity me for being blessed by this gorgeous little person who I get to cuddle and kiss and love to bits – and I won’t pity you for being a miserable joy-suck.”
You have one son and one daughter, but you have decided to have a third child. Bewilderment ensues.
If you’ve been “clever” enough to produce one boy and one girl, it would be straight-up selfishness to have any more children. You greedy, greedy bitch. You have one of each, what business do you have trying to mess up the numbers now?
“So you can stop now!”
“You’ve got the complete set, why would you want more?”
Uh, because I want to steal ALL THE CHILDREN and keep them for myself. Obviously.
If you’re in this situation, you could try:
“You don’t exactly need that third creampuff there now, do you? See how that works??”
You have not produced a child / or you have not produced enough children and it’s high-time you hit the sack.
The worst offenders in this category seem to be grandmothers and aunties. They simply CANNOT keep the words “when are you having a baby/ another baby?” inside their mouths. Their sick obsession with how often you’re having sex CANNOT be contained.
“Tick tock, you’re not getting any younger!”
If you’ve not yet had a baby, but you’re fielding these sorts of questions at every family function, I highly recommend:
Look, it’s high risk when it comes to jinxing yourself, but nothing compares to the uncomfortable silence that follows.
You’ve had too many children and it makes me think about you having sex.
Chiefly the domain of the lecherous uncle.
“Don’t you own a TV?”
“You know what causes it don’t you?”
I suggest the following:
“Are you asking me about my sex life Uncle Alan? Do you want to talk about how much sex I’m having? Really?”
He says yes.
And then there are the other, indescribably abhorrent clangers….
“Do they all have the same father?”
“After losing my third child during pregnancy, I was told by my Aunty that it would have been my ‘boy’ as I had two older daughters and I couldn’t carry boys.”
“After having a stillborn daughter: ‘What a shame you lost a girl! After so many boys in the family’”
“I was congratulated by a health professional on continuing a white line, because there are too many mixed families now.”
There’s only one thing to do when faced with such a magnitude of fuckwittery. PUNCH IN THROAT.
From the mouths of babes
As rude, ignorant and nasty as people can be – NOTHING beats the mind-altering, jaw-dropping, pants-wetting hilarity of children.
The absolute best comes from Sophie, who copped this from a four-year-old child in a sandpit.
“You’re so fat you can’t see your vagina.”
Hidden by all the FAT.
You’re not wrong, little mate.
Not wrong at all.
What’s the best/worst thing said to you while you were pregnant or once you had kids?
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