Playground designers clearly give no fucks about parents. They go all out for the kids but honestly, you could give them some grass, some sort of platform to jump off, a few sticks and they’d be set. You really don’t need to try so hard.
But what about the poor bastards schlepping these chilluns to the park. What do we get? A couple of metal torture racks that are only ever sizzling or frozen. There’s no in between. Either way, you’re going to be injured sitting down. And that’s it. That’s all we get.
If I was designing a park for parents, this is what it would need:
• Ergonomic seating in a material that won’t leave second degree burns on your thighs. Bamboo would be nice. I’m seeing some sort of reclining action as well.
• Shade. This is Australia. I don’t enjoy feeling like a lamb shank in a slow cooker while I watch my kids eat chip bark. A nice patch of shade might stop the sensation of skin cancer crawling along my arms as I sit and roast.
• A FUCKING FENCE. It baffles me that so many parks are unfenced. Kids run at traffic like mums run at an ALDI Bonds sale. Even the smart kids. It’s impossible to sit and relax when you’ve got to stop a hit and run every four minutes.
• Coffee. All parks should come with a cafe – or a coffee cart at a minimum. Either way, we need food and drink within 50m of the park. And it needs to be delivered. Smart cafe owners don’t want screaming kids in their cafe so they would offer a delivery service so you can place your order and take your children outside again before they start licking the tables. “One flat white, two babycinos and some toasted banana bread please, I’ll be sitting on that ergonomic park lounger in the dappled shade next to the slide. Ta”
• NO SAND OR CHIP BARK. I have so much sand in my house. I swear to God, there’s sand in my BED. Why are my children always coated in it? Fucking chip bark is just as vile. As if the park wasn’t bad enough, I don’t need my children whinging at me every 30 seconds because they’ve got another piece of chip bark in their shoe. Grass or soft fall. That’s it. Thank you.
• Toilets. Kids need to wee and poo every four minutes. This is difficult to navigate when you need to walk four kilometres to find a working loo, or even worse, just up and leave because letting your kid shit behind a tree is poor form.
Originally published on Instagram