Pushing a baby out of your body is punishing. We all know this. No one expects to survive it without some war wounds.
I’d heard all the horror stories of saggy tummies and National Geographic boobs. “Your body will never be the same!” is the battle cry of mums across the world.
What I wasn’t expecting was the mental change. As in… I am now MENTAL.
But I’m not alone, am I? (Am I?!?!). All mothers are a tiny bit mental.
Don’t deny it. Admit it darl. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you made it out unscathed. You’re positively barmy and deep down, you know it.
Once you have a tiny human in your care, something irreversible happens to your brain. Not just the baby brain (which, seems to extend beyond pregnancy. Does anyone know when I’ll feel smart again? I miss being smart) and it’s not just the exhaustion. It’s the imagination. The delusions. The over active daydreams/nightmares that make us a teeny bit idiotic.
My friend calls it ‘Worst Case Scenario’. or WCS.
You know what I’m talking about …..
Thud is obsessed with our balcony. He wants to spend all day running out there, watching the tradies working on the house next door and calling out to the dogs running down our street.
I know he’s safe out there. He can not physically fit through the bars, so there’s no chance of him falling down to the street below.
Dunmatta. I’m a mum.
You may see a baby enjoying the sun on the balcony. I see a baby falling off the balcony and landing on the bluestone stairs below, head cracked open, blood sprayed everywhere. I see myself jumping over the balcony after him. I then acknowledge this doesn’t help anyone, so I picture myself racing back inside the house, flying down the stairs and out the front door to scoop my baby up. I wonder how long that would take me. I think about how hysterical I would be. I can literally feel the hysteria snaking up my arms and curling around my chest, squeezing the breath out of me until I want to run at Thud and whisk him inside.
Except he’s so happy. And he’s not in harm’s way. I know this. My brain knows this.
Dunmatta. That’s my baby. I worry he’s going to start climbing up the railing. I know he’s not going to be able to go much higher. But it takes ALL of my logic to override my mum heart.
It’s not just the balcony.
When he was quite little, he was having a hissy fit in his pram, so I took him out for a cuddle. I kept walking with the pram in front of me and stepped on to the escalator. Out of nowhere, I was struck with visions of him struggling to get out of my arms and falling over the side of the escalator, plummeting to the shopping centre floor below.
I had visions of my splattered baby for days afterwards.
Recently I was getting dressed in my wardrobe while he played at my feet. He grabbed hold of a coat hanger and pulled it towards himself with such force that my mind saw the hook plunge deep into his eyeball. My husband had just left for work and I wondered if I’d call him or an ambulance first. I considered googling what you would do if something really was lodged inside your baby’s eyeball… do you pull it out or do you leave that for the doctors? How would I stop Thud trying to pull it out himself? Would I actually be able to do anything or would I simply freeze in shock and horror?
Sometimes I imagine there’s an alternate universe where the worst has actually happened. I can see that poor Alternate Lauren losing her mind with grief and guilt. I convince myself that’s why the visions are so vivid. Because it HAS happened, but to another version of me. That poor, poor Lauren. My heart hurts for her.
I’m not completely insane. I KNOW you do this too.
A normal person sees a toddler walking down a footpath and thinks “oh how cute.” A mother sees the same thing and thinks “he could trip and fall into oncoming traffic and end up flattened and I’ll have to throw myself in front of the next car in grief and then we’ll both be on tonight’s news and my husband will be a tragic widower for the rest of his life or until he finds someone really beautiful who never nags and always makes lovely dinners for him and they start a new family and he takes our photo out of his wallet so he doesn’t upset his new wife and he forgets all about us and only my mother and father will continue to mourn us until they die and then our memory will be gone forever.” For example.
So the next time you see a mum hovering at the park and think “oh relax and let him play,” consider the fact that she’s probably trying desperately to convince herself her child will not swallow a razor blade hidden in the sand and that going down the slippery dip won’t leave him a quadriplegic. Give her a high-five for playing it cool.
I smugly imagined I’d be a super chilled mum who never fussed over her kids, who let them play and explore and didn’t stress about the small things like those psycho helicopter mums. I thought I’d be all “you can’t stop them from living, what will be will be!” Until “what will be” included the possibility of losing my baby. Having my real live baby in my arms was like a smack across my stupid, smug face. Suddenly I understood what it means when people say it’s like having a piece of your heart walk around outside of your body.
Just a few weeks ago I had a woman tell me to my face that I was being hysterical about my child. The director of my son’s daycare centre rolled her eyes (!!) and told me I needed to chill out because I suggested a child could die from falling and hitting their head on these ridiculous rocks they have scattered throughout the play area.
Thing is, I still kind of think I’m right. Who puts big-arse rocks in a toddler’s play area? Grown men die from hitting their head on the pavement. Couldn’t a toddler die from hitting their head on a sharp rock? So when this woman was telling me to deal or leave the centre altogether, I thought my brain was going to explode. I could hear myself saying “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW YOU DUMB BITCH?! THIS IS MY CHILD! HE RUNS FULL FORCE AT EVERYTHING AND FALLS OVER ALL DAY LONG” but stopped myself before I gave Thud lifelong issues. And before I got myself arrested.
But I still don’t know whether I’m being WCS or whether I’m a bit right.
I DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ANYMORE!
So yeah, I’m crazy now and I’ve accepted that. My eyes may see a baby on a balcony or a toddler in a playground, but my heart and mind see baby splat.
For Thud’s sake I hope my brain manages to keep me from screwing him up permanently when I decide I need to give up work and start homeschooling.
JOKES, I would’t do that! I’ll just have to go to school with him so I can keep an eye on him at all times. Don’t worry, I’ll wear a uniform so I blend in with the other kids.
Do you do this too?? Please tell me it’ll get easier as he gets older and I’ll start relaxing?!?!
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36 comments
I am an expert witness who gets involved with slip and fall cases. Adults fall and die. Children do not have enough life experience to behave as adults. Enough said. You are right to be concerned. But once you have done your due diligence, there must be no regrets. Endless circumstances can cause an accident. Something breaks that is not supposed to. Almost anything with weight can become a potential weapon.
One thought, (and I hope I do not sound self righteous.) When our children went to the park, (many decades ago) we would play with them, not watch them play by themselves. It was not a time to get fresh air, read a book, and have ME time. It was a participation in our children’s lives. Seeing hazards in the children play area would be a hazard for all of us, increasing the chance for making good choices about where they play.
I always let my kids play, climb trees etc, I just couldn’t watch. They are all grown up, youngest is 13, and all survived.
But, I used to have a child that climbed the window on a 2nd floor unit and lean far over, to look down, thankfully he never went over himself, but when I caught him, which was several times, I would stop breathing, until I got behind him to grab him. I used to have nightmares of him falling out the window as he had no fear of climbing it.
I am so happy I came across this article!! I thought I was the only crazy one! I am currently contemplating canceling our vacation because they cannot guarantee me a condo room on the lower level. I keep imaging my youngest son pulling a chair up to the side of the balcony and falling over by accident. What if he stands in the chair, and I don’t catch him in time. He then flips off the side and as he is falling he is thinking about his mommy. Why she didn’t save me?! It makes me sick on my stomach. I never had anxiety or worse case scenario thoughts until I had children. I am not sure what I’m going to do when they start driving.
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OMG I am exactly like this and have been doing it for 5 years now! We had to move out of our first apartment pronto because I kept imagining my then-baby climbing through the window and falling three stories to his death. My 3 year old recently gashed her head open on the kitchen Louvre doors and ever since I am terrified of her hurting herself again. I mean if shiz can happen in the home, in our living room, imagine the devastation that can come from a park visit!! Yeah, park visits are not relaxing in the slightest, I am the ultra hoverer with her near the stairs and slides, and don’t get me started on the dangers of swings! And while we’re at it, what the HELL is with those park climbing things that have no railings on one side?
Don’t balconies normally have vertical bars not horizontal bars so people (children) can’t climb them?
They probably should, shouldn’t they!?
I have exactly the same, to the point of I can’t go up to the lookout point on our holidays because I envisage one of my children falling off the cliff. If my husband looks out from the multistorey carpark, even though there is wire fencing, I imagine him dropping one of our precious girls and gag (I used to rock climb and abseiled off buildings for charity, height was not a problem for me until they came along!). Our childminder told me she took my two year old to feed the ducks the other day while I was at work and I had to ask her not to tell me if they went again because I was a wreck at the thought of the reeds pulling her down after falling in (I now understand why my mum told me the one lie she wanted me to tell was if she asked if I had ever been on a motorbike I was to say no – my dad messed that up by telling her I was doing my bike test and when I got home that night she was sat waiting for me white as a sheet. When I told her I was going to give up my leathers and helmet so she could rest easy she actually ran across the road with them and gave them for a charity auction before I could change my mind – I have combatted this by making my four year old daughter promise me that if she ever wants to go on a bike she has to tell me first so I can buy her proper gear that fits her well before she gets on one!). And now my four year olds school has sent a letter telling me they are going to the seaside on a day trip in June. Undercurrents. Tides. Children getting lost in a strange seaside town. I have already been paralysed by the thought so how on Earth will I cope?! I am seriously considering taking a day trip myself and just, you know, observing from a safe distance. But I have to get a grip I guess!
I am exactly the same. I think the same things and the nagging thoughts get stuck in my head. I disasterise everything to do with my kids. It is so constricting and I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. Apparently it is my anxiety out of control. When I take anti anxiety meds I feel much better, almost normal!
I also know what you mean! Just saying though, your balcony does look terrifying! The horizontal bars can be climbed like a ladder. If he doesn’t yet, he will…
You just explained my life! I was totally going to be a chilled out mumma that let her child explore. Instead I’m like “oh my good lord don’t walk towards that playground with the playing kids, that one on the swing might knock you over unconscious, then I will need to call the ambulance but my phone is about to die (iPhones and their stupid batteries don’t help a mother out!!!)”. And then the worst part is that when something actually happens (like a shattered glass in the bathroom while I am trying to shower (fail), all I can picture is calling an ambulance (he was fine, it’s okay haha). I’ve just decided he should be bubble wrapped. It would be easier
OMG you are so like me!! Thank you for putting it into words! For the records… those rocks… F’ing stupid!! so dangerous and your balcony makes me really really nervous! I have always been a softie but now, since kids, I’m pathetic. The mere mention of a hurt child, lost child, sick child, dead child, abused and neglected child and I am a total and utter mess!! The first thing I want to do is grab hold of my babies, squeeze and never let go! You are not alone and I can’t see it getting any better only worse as they go into the world and away from us more and we are literally not there to protect them. I’ll be the one in school uniform next to you 😉
Oh Lauren this is hilarious. Serious, but hilarious at the same time. Quite a gift!
Not being a parent yet I can see the hilarious side of it. I’d like to think I’m going to be a super chill mum but I think we all know that ain’t gonna happen!
When I went to Sydney for a weekend without my husband he had his footy presentation night and had waaay too much to drink. He was talking to me on the phone (or slurring more like) as he was walking the three blocks home from the pub. He was about one street away when the phone cut out and I couldn’t get a hold of him for the rest of the night. I was freaking hysterical imagining that he had passed out on the road and had been run over by a car! I had to call his mum who lives up the road from us to go check on him. So I have no chance of being cool, calm and collected as a parent!!
Those rocks are fucked up!! I’d be sneaking in overnight and covering them with bubble wrap. FFS that’s a fatality waiting to happen. Amiright?? I have 2 monkeys (literally, they think they’re monkeys and swing from anything and everything. Table top climbing at 18 months? That.) and I’m literally like a wired fruitloop nowadays. I look like Tweak from South Park. Again, all roads lead to wine lady. Soothes the wired nature, and is preparing you for the perils that lie ahead. Like learning to ride a bike (still haven’t taught my eldest. Too scared), jumping on trampolines (don’t own one yet. Picturing dislocated arms and bones poking out of legs). You’re not OTT, you’re a survivalist. I’m with you, sista. I’m told it gets worse as they hit adolescence and go out partying….. hold me.
Oh doctor, I’m a wreck sometimes. I’ve had a table top climber since before his first birthday. The number of times I’ve turned around and seen him standing on our dining table. Kid can move! He’ll be getting a trampoline for christmas but it’ll be one of those stupidly expensive spring-free zip up numbers that he can’t escape from…. but wait, now that you mention it… could he get a dislocated arm from just landing on the trampoline the wrong way? I thought the danger was falling OFF the tramp…. GREAT! Now I’m thinking about him landing awkwardly and having to call the ambulance. THANKS FOR THAT!And don’t even get me started on adolescence. The day I found out I was having a boy I started panicking about the day he starts learning to drive and the possibility of him getting behind the wheel with a bunch of his dickhead mates in the car. Boys and cars are deadly stupid. Can’t cope…
When my first son was newborn I had repeated visions like a broken movie tape of me dropping him & him splattering apart like a watermelon hitting concrete. Terrible. We have a balcony which my husband built & he gets so cranky at me for worrying the boys are going to fall, like I am insulting his craftsmanship!! Other things don’t worry me though – if the park has a fence I pretty much ignore my boys & read a book – if someone starts crying I’ll have a look! (I know, contender for Mother of the Year, right?…)
Oh Natelle, I can’t wait until my boy is old enough for me to not watch him at the park!!
It has gotten a bit better for me in the sense that I no longer see everything in their paths way as a potential killer BUT every story on the news were some child is abducted, murdered, sexually abused, tragically killed – I go through my mind living out the scenario trying to get my head around the what if that was my child??? Could it actually happen to us?? It frightens me mental. I don’t like this vulnerability that has found me. I think we’re all crazy hysterics us mummy crew! How do we get passed it???
Your balcony is freaking me out…and so are those rocks!!
I always picture the girls falling and hitting their head against the wall when running through the house and they’ll be unconscious and I’ll need to call the ambulance…or tripping coming up the back step which is concrete and again unconscious!
I’m sorry to tell you that I still watch my older three girls cross the road to get to the bus stop every day so I know that they didn’t get run over on the way to school.
Sounds so much more neurotic when you write it down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know, right!? As soon as you say it out loud you sound like a MANIAC. Except, maybe if all mums have these moments, I feel less maniacky and a bit more normal….
I totally hear you about those balconies…. I am the crazy lady who screams at her husband don’t let my child out on that balcony…. I have the worst fear of balconies, I am constantly seeing spattered children having fallen from them. But funnily enough I am totally relaxed about other things, the rocks for example at your child care, I don’t have a problem with I think my 2 year old would hVe a ball climbing on them, and I don’t hover at the park but I guess we all have our little things that send us into a crazy panic. I’m one of 5 kids and my dad told me his biggest fear was when driving over water, what if the bridge broke and we feel in the water in the car or some how our car broke through the railing and we plummeted into the wAter, which child should he try to save first??? I do think it gets easier I have a 10 and 11 year old as well and I don’t worry about them as much,except when crossing the road but otherwise I am totally relaxed with them. Things will get better and at least you know your not the only one. Also to touch on how you would react in an accident, we had a major incident on Friday night and I had always wondered the same thing would I cope, would I freeze up???? I can tell you from experience I didn’t think twice just went into action, not thinking about anything but helping a child and getting an ambulance, think instinct just kicks in….
I think it’s kind of cute that your dad had the same sort of visions of death and destruction. Nice to know it’s not just mums!
And I hope everything’s ok after your friday night disaster!!?? That sounds really scary….
I felt somewhat comforted after my dad’s story, I guess I did just assume it was all mums that felt that way…. Still getting over Friday night, we live on a pretty busy street and it was Halloween , my 9 year old was hanging out with the neighbours boys across the road, he knows he isn’t suppose to cross the road as I think it’s a little too busy, he thinks he is old enough, anyway he cOme home to get something and says I’m going back across the road, I said no you need to wait for me to cross you his come back is yeah whatever and the front door opens, 5 seconds later I hear the horrific brake slam of a car and a thud, I have never ran so fast in my life, I didn’t even think about what I was going to find,I knew instantly from the noise someone had been hit by a car, I flew out the front door, to find my son standing there with a look of sheer horror on his face, I didn’t stop I just kept running as I knew he was save but knew someone else wasn’t….. The little 5 year old from across the road had been hit. Thankful he is home and out of hospital and was extremely lucky, has a broken collar bone and lots of grazes and bruises. But it made me realise in those instances I didn’t think twice, I just acted, I didn’t think about what to do first or what I would see. So scary…….unfortunately accidents happen, maybe you could do a first aid course, they have them aimed at kids. It might make you feel more prepared….
Oh my god I literally have goosebumps all over after reading that. How horrifying. And so scary for your little boy to watch that! At least he might now understand why you want him to be so careful crossing the road.
I did do a first aid course for kids while I was pregnant. Can’t say I remember much! All I know is that for nearly every injury the first step was “call an ambulance”. Can’t even remember the CPR steps
Yep, it’s weird what your mind does to you when you have kids. I was always really tough and never got teary watching movies or sad news stories. Now anything that involves kids I find REALLY difficult to watch. Won’t even touch books or movies about kids getting sick or dying.
I don’t know if it gets easier. I think you just get used to it. I don’t worry about my boy at school but I still have visions of things happening to my little guy while I’m out with him. You know, running out in front of traffic because I didn’t take his hand early enough, blah, blah, blah. I reckon it’s probably a protective mechanism to make sure we don’t slack off 🙂
Oh Ellen, I am the WORST when it comes to bad news stories about kids. And I used to be hard as nails…. As a journo I could hear all the horrific shit that came through to the newsroom and barely batted an eyelid. Now? MESS!
I like your ‘protective mechanism’ diagnosis Dr Ellen! I’ll tell myself it’s nature’s way of making sure I take care of him properly.
Oh yeah! I can relate. I do this but not all the time. I know there are times where I let my son for example walk along a log, which is fine, but my Dad (his Granddad) will be squirming in his shoes wanting to go save the situation. My Dad is WCS all the time!
Yeah, I can be really calm at times. I usually have no concerns about him climbing things and balancing and generally doing things that other 16 month old kids probably shouldn’t do. He’s super active and I let him explore because I trust him…. but now and then I get hit with an irrational fear and it really surprises me.
Plus I think Grandparents are wired to be WCS. They do a GREAT job of being overprotective!
Sorry mate but it gets worse. Particularly if you are like me and your son grows into a 2.5 year old with no fear and even less commonsense. But you are honestly not alone – others just don’t admit it.
I always used to think going to the park would be fun but why the fuck do they always make one spot where a small child can wiggle through and fall – or those sections where there is just a firestation style pole to slide down. Can any child actually slide down those. The safe slippery dip – no way my son launches himself at the pole. Yep I am the woman at the park with her son in the football hold going back to the car because my sanity can’t handle anymore time at the park.
Oh, my, I remember watching my two at a playground and seeing my then little, maybe nearly 3 year old son launch himself down one of those fireman poles. I was too far away to stop him or even talk to him. He was fine, in fact he was mighty proud of himself. My daughter was far too aware of her limitations to even attempt something similar, even at that time when she would’ve been closer to 5.
I am glad that I no longer have to walk up behind them on the play structures, nor slide down with them on my lap. At now 5 and 7 they are completely fine to entertain each other at the park.
So, yes, it does get worse, then it does get better!
Oh Michelle, my son is already one of those no-fear, no-commonsense maniacs who throws himself head first at everything. Literally. Which is the reason I panic about those rocks because he falls ALL THE TIME because he just flies at stuff without any thought about what it might feel like when he connects.
I already know I will be that mum dragging the kids back to the car before I have a heart attack. So not relaxing.
Well I will admit the heading of this story disturbed me. I did however, know exactly where you were going with it.
It dosnt get better. It gets worse. So much worse. And you actually start to manifest these crazy thoughts into reality. Be very careful. I made my husband build a 2 metre fence ontop of our balcony balustrade for the very same reason. Little people were trying to scale it.
I think it would also get worse the more children you have because you’re just one person trying to stop multiple people from killing themselves. Oh dear god help me…