It has happened. At some point during the past 19 months, I drank the Kool Aid. I walked straight into that Friendship circle, held hands with the sisters and said goodbye to my old life. The Motherhood has claimed me.
When I first fell pregnant, I remember thinking I’d be such a cool mum. Not like all those other sad women who let themselves go and talk about their kids non-stop. I’d keep on top of current affairs and still go out drinking and still wear gorgeous things. I thought I’d be exactly the same person (yeah, ok, shut up. You thought exactly the same thing).
I was wrong.
I am weak. I’m a follower. I’m a proper mum and I don’t want to go back. Tell my family this is where I want to be….
It happened subconsciously. Despite my best intentions of being a normal person, I stepped into the dark side.
It started with a fleeting, instinctual pang of pity for some single friends.
It pains me to admit that. It’s like I’m trolling myself right now. But I need to be honest with you. I need to repent.
I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw a photo of a friend in a sexy dress with her arms draped around a new man. Caption #love.
My very first thought was “thank God that’s not me.”
Not, “How sweet for her” or “She looks hot” or “Ah, that first, exciting flush of love!” Nope, just exhaustion at the thought of dating. I felt a bit guilty, but I forgave myself. No one really wants to be out playing the field, do they? (I honestly don’t know. I’m that far gone).
I kept scrolling and saw a photo of a bunch of girlfriends holding cocktails and laughing #goodtimes. I looked at one of my friends in the pic and thought, “I hope she finds someone soon so she can have a baby.”
I almost dropped my phone in horror. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? WHO THE FUCK AM I?
I am Great Aunt Mary, the old biddy who doles out unwanted life advice to the young and carefree. I used to be young and carefree and I loved it. I never once thought “jeez I wish I was at home with a baby instead of out at this awesome party.” But now I smell of mould and suck on boiled lollies as I tutt at the outfits young gals are gallivanting around in.
Today I saw a gorgeous young woman (oh Jesus, I’m now calling girls “young women”. It’s probably time to hand in my drivers licence and sign up for Meals on Wheels) walking through a carpark in stilettos and a very tight pencil skirt. She looked hot. A couple of years ago I would’ve been filthy with jealousy.
Not today. Today I just stared and appreciated how pretty she was. I didn’t wish I was her. All I could think was “THANK CHRIST I’m not wearing heels.”
The thought of spending 45 minutes doing my hair and makeup makes me want to cry. Today it took me exactly 15 minutes to shower, dress, whack on some makeup and brush my hair. All while trying to keep a toddler out of the shower. I’m wearing a shirt that’s about 10 years old, a baggy pair of jeans and very, very flat shoes. And I’m wearing a $12 bra with no underwire. How could I EVER go back to wearing an underwire? Why didn’t anyone tell me how very fucking uncomfortable my boobs were for all those years?
I’ve realised I’m not turning heads anymore and that’s ok. I mean, my baggy old jeans are falling off my arse and my lack of underwire is doing no favours for my disappearing boobs (seriously, where did they go? They were popping buttons one month and the next….??? Hello??). I also have a small person with me most of the time and he doesn’t seem to care if I’ve washed my hair or scratched on some eyeliner.
Do you think that’s how the cult got me? The promise of comfortable clothes?
I think I just stopped fighting it. I made peace with my fate. It’s ok to change – and it’s ok to like the change.
The thing with cults is that the indoctrinated often think they’re happy. They believe regular people are worse off than them.
So even though I know I was perfectly happy being childless and carefree and totally fabulous – like I’m sure most of my single friends are – I also know that I’m happier now. I look ten times worse than I ever have. I don’t own anything nice anymore because my child has ruined everything. I work three different part time jobs for the “flexibility” so I can be at home with him (and work every spare waking minute of my life). I don’t get any thanks or recognition and I never see any of my awesome friends anymore because bedtime.
And yet, I truly think this is better. I’d happily give up a night out so I can be up at the crack of dawn, having wrestling matches with my lunatic child. A fabulous party or cuddles from Thud? No competition.
My advice to all my single, happy, responsibility-free friends – don’t talk to me. I know you’re happy but I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop my stupid mouth from saying the words “when are you going to settle down and have a baby?” And then we’ll all hate me.
I am THE WORST.
But I’m happy.
If you need me, I’ll be the one at the park, telling unwitting strangers how talented her child is, while giving disapproving looks to the teens dry-humping in the bushes because The Children might see and we must protect The Children.
Is it possible to escape the motherhood? Or have you joined too?
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42 comments
I think secretly we are all of us, always in the motherhood cult. We just don’t realise it until we have babies… x
I think you may be right!! It’s like permission to just relax already 🙂
Brilliant! Although you’re missing two words from the article…”Nancy Ganz”.
As if I could be bothered with that shit!!! I just wear floaty tops now 😉
I’m well and truly in the cult, especially now that Mr 5 is at school. I’ve now moved to the next level where my days are filled with lunch boxes, housework and homework. Some days I wake up and think ‘Who even am I?’ and I’m still waiting for the tap on the shoulder to say they know I’m an imposter!
Oh dear, I don’t know if I like the sound of that level. That sounds like a whole lot more work!!!
Ha! I joined years ago! Proud member here.I have totally perfected the disapproving stares for… well, pretty much everyone. 🙂
Loved this, Lauren but now I’m a bit worried becauseI too have forsaken my heels for my flats, my cool clothes for comfortable counterparts and these days I sport good old fashioned granny knickers but… I don’t even have kids! (unless you count my man baby.) The older I get, the less I care about stuff and the happier I am. I think I should start my own OFC (Old Farts Cult.)
Hahahahahahaaaa…. I’ll join the OFC too!!
Hmmmm I think I’ve got one foot in the cult, one foot out. I remember after Miss DP was born I couldn’t bring myself to use the word ‘Mum’ for about a month or two. I’m all over that shit now. I love the crazy stuff my cherubs do and I am one of those parents that flashes pictures like a deranged maniac. BUT I rarely talk about them to anyone, because I’m paranoid of people getting bored of my one-trick, child obsessed ways. I also will shun my children in favour of my GHD. They just have to wait with their cute antics until my hair is straight. Soz.
Oh yep, it has definitely taken me a while to embrace it. I didn’t want to be seen as “a mum” for a long time.
And how funny, I’m the same with my hair/makeup. It happens whether he likes it or not. I once had to blow dry my hair while squatting on the floor so he could hang off my neck. He got quite the blow dry too. He just has to deal with it because if I don’t dry my fringe, it’s all shades of hideous.
Oh I joined The Cult nearly 13 years ago – in took me a while to settle in. But now I am a fully fledged (and happy about it…) member…wouldn’t have it any other way. That is not to say that my two boys do not give me the sh*ts…constantly (pre-teen is no breeze I can assure you…). However when a little (or larger and rapidly growing) body comes for a cuddle – well any thoughts of the ‘old life’ disappear rapidly. Thrilled I found your blog, it’s great…x
Oh Monique, this makes me happy. I think I can handle the surly, rude, angry, disrespectful etc as long as I get a good cuddle now and then.
Ahhh… I recently tried to reclaim the old pre-mummy me, by spending silly amounts of money on new underwear – matching sets, bras with UNDERWIRE – only to realise that, while the bras look pretty and give my saggy old boobs a much-needed boost, the underwire digs in and the knickers crawl up my arse.. in short they are just TOO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE TO WEAR!!
Back to the 3 year old maternity bras and ancient granny undies for me (and I’m OK with that!).
Who on earth invented underwires? A PSYCHOPATH SADIST, that’s who! Plus, a good pair of boy knickers looks far more flattering on my arse than anything flimsy and pretty.
You can’t play on the floor with lace invading your arse and underwires tattooing your ribs.
Love this Lauren!
I joined when I realised G strings are actually torture and threw them all away! How the hell did I ever wear them AND think they were comfortable??
I saw a mum wearing heels pushing a double pram the other day in the city and I had to laugh.
OMG I wore g-strings all the time. What an idiot!! Fat old bonds for me now thanks very much!
That poor mum…. doesn’t she know shoes come in flat versions? Yes they make your ankles really pop, but at least you’re not in crippling pain all day long.
You still look pretty damn gorgeous from where I’m standing in the quagmire of menopause. Honestly, having my five children was the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s a delicious experience. Enjoy 🙂
Oh, you’re too nice to me!! And yes, it’s TOTALLY delicious. SCRUMPTIOUS!
Oh I remember the dream of being the cool mum and the realisation that the leader of this cult allows for no cool mums. She doesn’t exist. My charismatic leader has me at the park before my local coffee shop opens and knowing and willing to recite the names of numerous dinosaurs mid sentence to stop paint stripping proclamations in public. Parasaurolophus for fucks sake!
I have bags under my eyes and my shoes couldn’t be any flatter. The idea of a late night out is simply beyond my comprehension.
This is the best cult on earth
HAHAHAHAHA Parasaurolophus!!! Nice one!! We are gluttons for punishment. What’s wrong with us?? Oh that’s right, the tiny little people and their tiny little hugs that make you feel like all is good and right with this world….
This is a cult?! What?! I think I may have been brainwashed into believing that I was happy with sticky fingerprints all over my clothes, unwashed hair that hasn’t been cut in far too long to mention, and I thought that those tired looking bags under your eyes were all the rage now… hmmm
I think once you’ve embraced elasticized waists it’s all over. 🙂
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
I am very much settled into this cult and am loving it. I am one of those crazy mums at the park or supermarket that will rave about their child while I stand there with dreamy eyes. That said, I do make sure I give myself a taste of my old life every now and then – a night out with the girls etc. I need this balance in my life and relish the chance to take time out just for me. #teamIBOT
Yes! Just a little taste now and then keeps you sane!
This is so well written and I relate. I go one step further when single or younguns say how exhausted they are and I just tell them you don’t know what exhausted is until you have kids! I love my life too even though it’s a juggle with being a mum and work. And I don’t miss those pencil skirts! Give me jeans any day! I am definitely a member of this cult you speak of!
I know, right!? I feel like smacking their perfectly unlined faces!! YOU’RE TIRED!? Try existing on four or five hours of sleep every single night, followed by a day of running after crazy children, trying to cook and clean, and trying to earn some money in every spare second you have and then tell me you’re tired!
I’m glad I’m not alone in the cult Rebecca 🙂 xx
I’m the anti-Thud. I’m that mother who tells her single and/or childless friends to hold off for a few more years and enjoy themselves. That this motherhood gig is way over-rated. I realise this is not normal.
Me too though! Seriously, I tell people all the time that there’s no rush and they should take their time. But my subconscious is saying otherwise. Deep down inside it seems I have an opinionated old lady who’s worried about everyone’s biological clock. It sickens me. At least I’ve never actually said it out loud.
Yes I do the same. Although there are some friends that I’m looking forward to seeing their eyes opened to the world of parenthood. 🙂
Hahahahahahahaaaaa
So funny. I have been a mother for 11 1/2 years! I feel old when I too talk about what the young girls are wearing “these days” and such. I love my comfort clothes, Birkenstocks and quiet nights in. I do have a history of dancing on bars though so know I have lived a good life
That’s it Deb!! I’ve had my fill of wild nights and fancy parties. I’m happy to leave it to the ‘young folk’ now 😉
Crap, where does that leave me!? I’m not a parent, hate dressing up and love comfy clothes! 🙂
You’re ready for us Vanessa…. We’re coming for you….
I’m definitely in the cult – nearly 11 years now for me! I much prefer being comfortable over being fashionable, however I have found a happier medium this year (now I am no longer working outside the home) where I can fully enjoy going out with friends, playing tennis and occasionally getting dressed up but still return to the cosy nest of the home and my three little bears! So great to have found your blog via IBOT – I’m looking forward to checking out more of your posts Lauren 🙂
OH MY GOD YOU’RE LIVING THE DREAM KIRSTY!!
And I love that you called it your cosy nest. That’s totally what my home is. It’s my happy place. I’m comfortable and relaxed and all the people I love are here. What more do I want? Except for ladies lunches and tennis!??
Nice to find you via IBOT. It really is a cult motherhood, although you get sucked into it (and down under) for those first few years and then you’ll be wanting to find your heels and your pencil skirt again – there’s hope and happiness both ways if you can find the balance.
I was thinking this last night… whether I’d eventually want to reclaim the old me after the nappy years are over. But then I’ll be too old and saggy anyway!! 😉
But seriously, the idea of some balance (eventually) sounds wonderful xx
oh I’ve been in the cult since I was 21! That’s nearly 15 years ago so I must be pretty high up now. I’m probably the one handing out homemade badges & telling you were the next meeting is. I’ll never leave. I’ve dabbled in the outside world a few times, kind of like the armish kids do, but I always wake up with a throbbing head & thinking ” that was fun but let’s never do that again”.
Welcome to the club!
Hahaha!!! Rumspringer! Yeah, I sometimes have fleeting moments of desire to go out at night time and then I realise I could just sit and have a cup of tea instead and that always sounds more appealing.
Very excited to be in the club, thank you. And very grateful to have the higher order members to lead the way and tell me when to show up for the meetings 😉