A G-rated version of this post originally appeared on Essential Baby
Congratulations! You’re pregnant!! Excellent news. You’re going to be a mum and it’s going to be wonderful. You can see it all now….the glowing mumma with her gorgeous babe. So chic. So effortless. So hip. You know exactly what you’re going to be like. Or perhaps you know exactly what you’re not going to be like.
1. I won’t flood Facebook with pictures of my baby. Groan
Yes you will.
You’ll take thousands of photos of your child and every now and then, one photo will make your heart explode with the cuteness and you’ll tell yourself it would be a crime to keep it to yourself and maybe just this once you should share it with your friends.
Besides, you really need to put up pictures for your mum and dad because it’s their grandchild and they have a right to see it. Right?
Even if there are people out there who lose their shit over yet another baby photo, there will be far more who will love it and ask for more. I mean, surely it’s better than yet another photo of food?
2. I won’t update Facebook every time my child farts
Yes you will.
Maybe not for the farts (although, the first time your baby wakes himself up from farting or laughs at his own fart you will think it’s hilarious and will struggle to keep it to yourself), but one day your child will turn around to you and point at a picture of a train and say “choo, choo” and you will think it’s just about the best thing you’ve ever heard and you and your partner will laugh and clap and jump and you’ll run straight to Facebook to tell the world because surely that’s a really advanced skill for a baby so young? What if MENSA is monitoring your feed??
3. I won’t whinge about how hard it is to be a mother
Yes you will.
I know, I know, right now in your pregnancy bubble you’re feeling so #blessed and you could never imagine being anything other than grateful for the miraculous, heaven-sent gift of your child…. but that gift IS hard work. And, you’ll mostly be doing it by yourself. When daddy goes back to work and you’re sitting at home looking at your gift, you’ll suddenly feel all alone and you’ll need to talk to someone. And by God it feels good to have a whinge now and then. And when a bunch of other mums tell you you’re completely normal for wishing you had a nanny, it’s therapeutic. You need it.
Besides, if people find it acceptable to whinge about how hard it is to find palatable coffee or the nostril burning BO of the person sitting next to them on the train, you can whinge about needing FIVE MINUTES to go and poo. Even if it’s only to your mother’s group on Facebook. Actually, I would advise limiting that to your mother’s group.
4. I won’t let myself go
Yes you will.
A little bit at least. The yummy mummy thing is such a bunch of bullshit. Like we don’t have enough on our plate without the pressure to look good while we mash veggies and change nappies?
When I had Thud, I wanted to still feel like me. So I made it my mission to put on some makeup every single day. A girlfriend of mine said she still wanted to wear heels like she always had. Why should we give that up just because we’re now mums?
Bit by bit you’ll realise your little person doesn’t give two shits if you’re wearing makeup or heels. They’re far more impressed when you’ve got a bucket on your head and tissues up your nose because you’re a fire-breathing dragon.
You’ll also realise that when you leave the house with a baby in tow, people aren’t looking at you. They’re looking at the baby. I’m so sorry, but you’re about to become invisible. Cute baby always trumps zombie-looking mother with dirty hair.
Actually, cute baby trumps hot-looking mother with bouncy hair, so why even bother?
5. I won’t talk about my baby non-stop to all my childless friends
Yes you will.
Oh my god you will try so hard, but you know what? You’re taking care of a baby ALL day, EVERY day. It’s your job. It’s your WHOLE LIFE. What else do you have to talk about?
Sure you could talk about world events and politics, but honestly, that’s not the number one thing happening in your life right now. Just like your friends talk about their jobs, boyfriends and families – you’ll be talking about what you’re doing right now, and that’s raising a baby.
Stop freaking out love. You’ll eventually start to make your way back to the person you were, but not for a little while. So settle in and embrace it. You’re about to become a whole new person. You’re going to love it. Mostly….
Have you (or did you) set any rules for yourself about what sort of parent you’re going to be?
If you did – did you stick to them?
Psst… have you signed up for Thud Mail yet? It’s where all the favourite people hang
34 comments
Ha ha! Yes I think I must admit to all of these! Parenthood is great isn’t it! Thanks so much for linking up to #TheList x
hehe yes, I’m pretty sure I do all of this now even though I said I wouldn’t! Although I dont update my facebook status with everything my baby does, I blog about it instead, which is probably worse!
Oh no, I *never* do this kind of stuff. Except for the one time the biggest little lady covered the littlest little lady in panty liners when she was a baby because they were ‘magical leg hearlers’. Or the time little sister surprised de-pantsed her bigger sister. Or when they were thrash dancing, omigosh cutest.thing.ever. Or anytime they ever cuddle. Because. Adorable and the world must see so they too can melt. But they’re like totes legit times to share, right? See, nothing like any of the above points at all *averts eye contact*. Awesome post as always sweets x
Yep, guilty on all of the above! Even now I am guilty of talking about them non stop when I am sure no one cares haha! Great post Lauren x
Umm … yep … I have done and pretty much still do all of the above 🙂 Although since I now have a blog I get to bore strangers with all of the gory details of my children rather than just my friends 🙂 I told myself I would be a cool mum. I don’t know if I’ve achieved that yet :/
I told myself I wouldn’t talk to my baby like I was living in an episode of Play School. That didn’t last long! I got to watch my sisters go through having kids first so I knew that “whatever works” would be my best mantra!
AHHHH I love you!!! CAN I please have more friends who are willing to put a bucket on their head and tissues up their noses, for the love of everything good and silly! The points you’ve come up with are true. My single, child-free friend told me I would post photos. I said, “yeah, one or two.” Well you know, now it’s videos too. That didn’t last long. Always makes me think of the Nickleback ripoff song on you tube – “Look at This Instagram” about being 33 and posting tons of photos of your kid.
Ok well I had to go and watch that video on YouTube and it’s fantastic. So perfect! Thanks for the laugh xx
I haven’t got a baby or bouncy hair. That’s a non-parenting fail if ever there was one!
Bahahahahaha…. Sammie you crack me up!!! xxx
My hair used to be so bouncy! Haha, now I sometimes don’t even blow dry (oh the horror). Thank god for Snapchat… My million-baby-photos-a-day are only there for 10 seconds, then it’s like they never happened 😉
I feel like I’ve missed the snapchat boat… I don’t think any of my friends use it. Am I old Krissy!?!?
I bombarded Facebook with photos of my bub, and sort of still do. Sorry everyone but he is just so cuteeee!! There I go again!
xo
It’s extra hard for the mothers of adorable children 😉
If I had an ugly child I’d be so much more restrained. Bahahaha!
It’s like looking into a crystal ball. I’m sure I will do all the things I now think I won’t do. But I have the good sense to not make public declarations so at least no one will know that I was delusional during my pregnancy! (Except this comment may have just blown that cover).
COVER BLOWN!!!!
I so had no idea. I don’t think I blowed dried my hair for the first 6 months but the hair dryer did come in handy for making “white noise” to put the baby to sleep!!! You wear a bucket and tissues so well!.
My baby loved the hair dryer Vicki! I actually had great hair for the first few months because he would totally calm down when I switched it on so I was constantly blow drying my hair to keep him happy!
I must have missed the memo because I loudly declared I would do all of the above and do it well I did! You’re a hoot girl!
Oh I love you Em. I wish I’d done the same but I have so many childless friends that I thought I’d be deserted by them all if I changed too much. How hilarious that I thought I had a choice about how much I changed!
You didn’t tell about the “loving-wife-i-will-be-not- only- a mummy” haha let’s face the truth. Not possible! For at least a few months! xx cathy
Oh god yes!!! Why didn’t I include that one… “I’ll still be an amazing wife” Bahahaha NOT!
Ha ha, yes! I also had this ridiculous notion that when baby arrived, since I would be on maternity leave my house would be forever immaculate and I would be the perfect mum with dinner on table for Hubby when he got home.
Er. nope. Never happened. Ever.
Seriously, it must be pregnancy hormones or something Nat. What goes through our minds!?
Yep agree, before you have a baby you’ve got no idea what’s coming and how you’re going to change. I thought I would be fine to go back to work full time when my first was 6 months. So not the case x
I’m always amazed when I hear about women going back to work after just a couple of months Laney. How do they do it!?
Zombie looking mum with dirty hair, and in summer clothes in arctic conditions. Yep. Me today.
You really need help. Didn’t your skin tell you it was cold?
Done it all. But never said I wouldn’t. 5 years of infertility I was BUSTING to flood everyone’s feeds with baby photos and anecdotes.
Yay Natelle! And now THREE gorgeous boys to share. Love it xxxx
I broke every single rule I made for myself about what kind of Mum I would and wouldn’t be, and so far, I’m ok with that. TV is the best babysitter, when desperate for a shower, there is nothing wrong with stalking your child’s phone, Facebook, social media accounts, it’s ok to think your child is the best you’re supposed to! xx
Hahahaa, I love it Nicole. So true!
Bahhahahhah! Guilty as charged, Your Honour. Awesome post.
I’m positive you had MANY rules Hugz.