My ten week old baby had closed his beautiful blue eyes approximately three times in his entire life. I wasn’t just tired, I was WIRED. My brain was breaking the sound barrier as it hurtled around my skull. I felt like I was on fast forward and a bit tweaky as I arrived early for our second mothers group session at the local health clinic.
I couldn’t get into the classroom because the nurses were having a staff meeting, so I waited outside, hugging my wide-eyed baby and mentally reviewing everything I’d read about baby sleep in the last couple of months (I never stopped reading). I thought about all the questions I was going to ask the nurse when the session started. I kicked myself for not bringing a notebook.
As I sat on the hard plastic chair, mindlessly rocking my tiny President of the ‘Sleep is for Losers’ club, I could hear the nurses inside the room having a laugh. They were talking about mothers – specifically the kind of mothers that came to this particular clinic on the Northside of Canberra. A clinic used mostly by middle-class, career women in their thirties.
“These mums are so much harder,” I heard a nurse laugh. Huh? My ears pricked up.
“They have to know everything,” said another. “They over think everything!!” More laughter.
“Yes!” actual cackling now…. “They treat their babies like their job!! They don’t listen to their instincts, they panic about EVERYTHING!”
Did I mention how tired I was? I was probably sitting there with my shirt wide open, maternity bra unclipped, a damp breast pad sitting in my lap… but through the fog, I was fairly sure I’d just been insulted.
When our class started, I looked around the group of first-time mothers. All of them in their thirties, all of them educated and successful in their careers. All of them looking a little frazzled, stressed and determined to “figure out” these strange little creatures. All still trying to find that elusive “mother’s instinct”.
We had one exception. One mum who was 21 and still getting her diploma. She never looked anxious or confused. She just got on with it in a very relaxed, instinctual way. She didn’t seem to stress about every little thing. She seemed happy to learn as she went, with the confidence that everything would be ok. She was a natural.
The rest of us spent the first few months of our kids’ lives swapping research papers and articles we’d read and sharing reviews of baby products to make sure we were doing everything the “right way”. We over-analysed every sleep regression, every weird poo, every feed that didn’t go to plan. We intellectualised everything.
I started to think those cackling nurses might have been a tiny bit right.
It kinda makes sense. At a certain point in your life, you stop flying by the seat of your pants. You take on responsibility, you make decisions, solve problems, innovate, meet targets and goals. You feel like you have control over your life. You know who you are and where you’re going.
But then you have a baby and suddenly you are at the mercy of the most insubordinate human being ever.
This tiny newborn takes charge with absolutely ZERO credentials and NO life experience, but expects you to do exactly what he wants.
In the workplace, this would definitely be a matter for HR. There’d be a meeting of some sort. Possibly an awkward mediation where HR makes you both talk about your needs, the team’s needs and strategies for working together as a cohesive unit.
At the very least, you’d be bitching to your work mates about this little turd who has no respect for seniority.
But there’s no HR at home. There’s no organisational flow chart to show this kid who’s boss. There are no Standard Operating Procedures to follow.
There’s just you and a baby who will literally shit on you if he feels like it.
So you try to outsmart this kid by reading every book and article you can find. You figure the answers are there… you just need to find them. But the answers just make everything worse.
“Put the baby down drowsy but awake/ make sure there’s lots of noise so baby gets used to it/ use white noise to drown out all the noise/ leave the baby to cry/ leaving baby to cry will leave your child with psychological scars/ establish a strict routine/ listen to your instinct and follow the baby’s lead…..”
FAAAARK.
If you’re used to being good at things, it might just send you a over the edge. I can’t tell you how many times I looked at my child and said “I have a MASTERS degree. I’m SMARTER than you!” Because that’s just how smart I am. I was comparing graduate degrees with a newborn.
It can all make you feel like a complete and utter failure, because you should be good at this…
I calmed down, eventually. We all did. As we gave up control and stopped trying to rationalise everything, we embraced the lack of rules and structure. We finally understood that there are things we’ll never understand. We started to give our own diagnosis of “baby weirdness” to anything we couldn’t explain. We felt ok about not knowing it all. And it all started to feel a lot more natural, and A LOT more fun.
We all found our mother’s instinct. It was hiding behind a pile of books.
Success.
Do you think the nurses were right? Do you think being a bit older or a bit more ‘corporate’ makes you a more anxious first-time mum? Do you think some young mums are more natural because they aren’t such control freaks and maybe don’t feel the pressure to ‘succeed’ at mothering like older mums do? Can all this overthinking get in the way of enjoying parenthood?
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I remember scouring the internet as a first time Mum on my phone during breastfeeds, trying to find all the answers to all of the problems with my first. I was prepared for things like illness and first aid and emergencies, but there is no training course you can do to prepare you for the days and nights when your child does nothing but cry, for no damn reason! It took about 6 months before I learnt to just go with it, and stopped worrying about ‘creating bad habits’ by sticking a boob in her mouth every time she looked like she was going to cry, or just sitting on the lounge in my PJs holding her for the 12 hours that her Dad was at work. I definitely think it is harder to adjust to Motherhood for those of us who are used to being in control and having all the answers (or at least being able to find the answers when we need them), because what the experts often forget to tell you when they are telling you about how their technique or philosophy is that EVERY child is so different, and they don’t give a damn what the experts think, they will do what they want!
Second time around I found it much easier dealing with the newborn, I knew what I was doing and was relatively sure that I wouldn’t kill her accidentally, and that in time she would give me the answers to her problems, I just needed to relax and trust my instincts. Of course it helped that I had a 20 month old and was already so sleep-deprived and comfortable in my seat on the edge of insanity that throwing a newborn in the mix seemed like a walk in the park. After you’ve been conditioned by a toddler, newborns are easy! And I think that translated to my second because she was a much more laid-back kid, inline with how much more laid-back I was with her, compared to number one.
You sound exactly like me Kylie. I was sure I was not meeting the right targets and I was failing because my child was nothing like the babies in the books. What a relief it was when I threw my hand in the air and just said “I don’t freaking know!! And neither do they!” It was liberating to admit defeat and just go with the flow 😉 I can imagine I’ll take things a lot easier with number 2. Or at least, I hope!
Oh my gosh, I’ve actually written a few blogs posts on my stress as a mum, how many books I read, about trusting my instincts but getting stuck in the ‘expert’ advice. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here! This is absolutely me!! Wish I’d read this a few months ago 🙂
[…] One week after giving birth to my baby I was sent a link to a Thud post called “Are successful women unsuccessful mums?“. […]
Hi Lauren, I totally agree with comments above. I read this post earlier and sooo agreed with a comment by Emily Furlong. I can no longer see her post:( can you access it?
Hi Jayne, there doesn’t seem to be a comment by Emily Furlong. Perhaps her comment was on a Facebook share of this post?
Great post. I definitely overthought everything. But my daughter was born prem and tiny, so she came home with a list of instructions, which didn’t help. No-one told me when it was okay to stop following them. It was so hard to relax into motherhood!
Yes! Those nurses are right!
I’m from Melbourne and I’m surprised you didn’t hear my enormous THUD in Canberra as reality hit me like a baseball bat to the head.
Within a 3 week period I had:
– left my high powered corporate job I’d have for 5 years (involving lots of travel, moments of sailing on yachts sipping champagne)
– moved to the suburbs (I hadn’t lived more than 10km from the city since I was 14 years old)
– given birth to identical twin boys
It’s taken my husband and me about three years to get out noses above the water line. Even now, there are sleepless nights when kids are sick and we find our heads below the waterline again.
There is too much focus on being the perfect parent to raise the perfect child. It is refreshing to read that other new mothers freaked out too!
Yes, yes, yes AND YES…I seriously considered setting up an excel spread sheet for my eldest son’s feeds – I just couldn’t understand why there couldn’t be a schedule that WORKED – oh that baby had my number. No sleeping at night for at least 9 months…then number two came along 14 months later – lord no time for schedules then…definitely fly by the seat of my pants stuff, and it seemed to work better. Thankfully the boys have made it to 12 & 11 years relatively unscathed by my earlier efforts. LOL post, thank you! x
Yes to this, if only I’d read this when I had my first child: brilliant.
I think it is more age then career. The older you get the more together you often feel and nothing makes you less together than having a baby. Overthinking definitely gets in the way of just getting on with the business of motherhood. Another trait for us “oldies”!
Brilliant post! Been meaning to read this all week! I have found that younger mothers do tend to cope with motherhood easier or at least don’t show their stress like older mothers do. I didn’t read anything except about pregnancy so when I had my first baby it was new to me that I’d have to feed her every couple of hours and wouldn’t get much sleep at night!! Lol. By the time I had my third bub I was a pro at being super relaxed and she’s a super relaxed baby. I had my first at 26 which is considered young these days.
Oh Bec, I remember a midwife telling me I had to feed every couple of hours to start with and I was like, “WHAAAAAAT!?!?” That seemed insane to me….
I’m very hopeful I’ll be much more relaxed when I have my next child. Fingers crossed!!
There’s a little bit of truth in that, perhaps that’s because the adjustment is harder if you have had a career. But the research does show that mothers are much more likely to develop post-natal depression if they are younger. People say that mothers are more likely to cope mentally if they are older, and they are more likely to be patient with their children too (although this may be a stereotype). I think it depends on the person.
I read every book, every article, knew EXACTLY what kind of a mother I was going to be… and then…
Hahahahaaa…. the dreaded “and then” 😉
as someone who will soon be in this boat and who lives in Canberra- which clinic is this? I want to go somewhere with women who sound like I will be!
Can only be Dickson….
😉
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I think overthinking and reading too many books does spoil the enjoyment – mums become too hard on themselves for not doing things the “right way”. I am a bit of a control freak but having watched my older sisters go through having babies first helped me realise I would lose any control as soon as I held my first little tornado. I knew it would be hard and prepared myself for the worst. Surprisingly I had two dream babies. They made up for it by turning into toddler tornadoes which I find more challenging than the lack of sleep newborn phase. This parenting gig is tough – thank god for my mothers group. Our group of 13 are still together 5 years down the track and we’ve helped each other through every stage (good and bad). Lovely to see you have a great group of mums too!
Oh Tash I could NOT have survived without my mothers group. They are THE BEST. Not one competitive soul amongst them and just constant support and laughs.
I definitely think you were at an advantage having the knowledge that it would all be out of your control. I mean, I knew it – in theory – but I just sort of assumed I’d be able to handle it. I figured I was a really self sufficient person and usually dealt with life’s hurdles with ease. HA!!!
i might have a biased look, because you know as a psych I only see people who need help but… yeah really… I see older parents (and I mean also fathers) being more stressed and anxious. They want to be perfect and they want the kids to be justlogical and perfect. Well… hello! kids are not logical, they are strange. Let’s talk about the same subject when our kids become teenagers… let’s see then! haha xx
So much pressure to be perfect Cathy! Why do we do it to ourselves? We feel like we need to compete with all these other mums – especially the mums online that bake beautiful things with their beautiful children and their gorgeous looking pug dogs!!! 😉 We all want to be that mum!!
Yep, the nurses definitely got it right! I was an older, professional career, control freak mum! And boy, did I not like NOT being in control of my twins! My first mothers group meeting was the worst. Right from when my damn whizz bang Emmalunga twin pram didn’t fit in the door way of the mothers group meeting room and I was told to take the wheels off to make it fit! WTF? I didn’t know how to do that! Then the meeting went over time, my twins were hungry, then hangry, that they weren’t getting breastfeed then and there but there was no way I was going to attempt to twin feed in public in front of the nurse so I just sat there with two screaming babies whilst everyone else was breastfeeding their single babies. I’m surprised I actually returned the second week!
Oh lord Ingrid, I tip my hat to all mothers of multiples. That’s just adding insult to injury. One baby is MORE than enough for anyone. Two or three at a time? That’s just beyond my comprehension. I’m constantly amazed. Well done you!!
I think you might be on to something. I haven’t procreated myself but I’ve been watching my friends become mothers from their late teens to early forties. It’s really interesting, the younger mums did seem a lot more relaxed but that was before the glory days of the internet and the older mums did seem a lot more concerned with getting it right. They also had a lot more to juggle with careers/maternity leave etc. But you know, most of all, I’ve observed that motherhood isn’t about your age, how smart you are, what job you’ve got or how many books you’ve read, it’s about loving your bub and giving it the best start in life that you can. And that’s one things my mum friends all managed to do, even if they went about in different ways and varying degrees of stress!
You’re spot on Sammie. That’s all it boils down to. I think most mums figure that out pretty quickly… it’s just those first couple of months that really send you to hell and back. Maybe it’s pure exhaustion that makes us give up and let go of the control and then BANG everything falls into place a bit better and things start to become a bit more enjoyable. The confusion and stress and anxiety never fully leaves but you’re able to put it all into perspective a bit better.
Oh you nailed me to a T lady! Older Mum, career in HR, read way tooo much, complete stress head for the first few months with number one child as she did not do what the books said, she came on her due date and that was probably the last time anything went to plan! A midwife said the same thing to me “you older mums read too much, the younger ones never read anything and don’t worry about anything, just enjoy it” so once I realised that this child was going to do things her own way I relaxed a bit and started to enjoy it more (didn’t stop her not sleeping for 3 1/2 years but that’s just her) and then when number 2 came along we just rolled with it and she is a much more chilled out kid ( a bit crazy though) too.
It’s the eternal search for that textbook baby… Seriously, what child are they basing that all on? It really only becomes enjoyable when you give up all pretences of control and just hand it over to the baby. Once I let him be the boss, I started to relax so much more. And now I feel stupid that I ever believed I’d be able to control a baby!!
I love your reference to HR – because I am HR and I totally thought that would help me when I had a baby!! Umm hello… I’m a fool!! I had 15 years of experience negotiating with people from all levels of life in a calm and rational way so I thought I had motherhood in the bag – so many people even told me how good I would be! I remember googling anything and everything in the early hours of the morning and crying my eyes out wondering why I was so bad at this being a mother thing! Still not sure why I went back for a second but lucky I did because she slept from day 1 and practically raises herself!
Oh Jacinta, I want one of those babies!! I think it’s very specific to first-time mums. They go in feeling all prepared because they’ve read all the books and taken all the advice and then they get this child who doesn’t fit any profile in any book and you feel so lost and panicked because it’s all your responsibility to keep this child alive and you start to imagine all the ways you’re going to screw this child up…. There’s just so much pressure!! And I don’t really think younger mums act like that as much. They seem to still have that invincibility thing going on – plus, people don’t expect them to know it all so the pressure is off – although that probably means a whole different set of problems with people underestimating and patronising them and treating them like they’re not good enough…. Ugh. It’s just hard all round!
I was born saying “I know” … well according to my parent’s version of events. I thought I knew how to change a nappy and settle a baby and know what to do with an actual living human being who relied upon me to keep him alive because I could lead a business project, broker a deal and change a car tyre and let’s not forget I managed to keep a cat alive for a number of years and you know – I KNEW everything because clearly I was just born knowing everything. Oh God I had NO IDEA what I was doing. None whatsoever. Totally out of my depth. Mind you I still stay this pretty much every day… 13 years on. i think you are totally on to something xx
Oh I’m the same! I think it freaked my husband out because I changed SO much after the baby. Before baby I was tough as nails and knew EVERYTHING. After baby I was like a little girl lost, just grasping for help from anyone and everyone. I wanted to be good at it SO badly that I spent every waking moment reading and researching and asking for advice – I was a completely different person. Luckily I snapped out of it after a couple of months. I’m still totally clueless but the difference now is that I’m really ok with being clueless. I don’t panic about my lack of expertise and my lack of control. We are all alive and happy. That’s my success.
Yup. Yup. Yup. All my training in supporting other’s kids? Out the window. I’m a perfectionist to the hilt. And after having years of control (so to speak) career wise, feeling like I knew what was what and where my priorities were- BAM that all got changed in an instant. Probably didn’t help our first was premmie and there were all these things we had to know and had to do. But then in saying that, having a premmie meant we got her put in a neat routine for us that we could take home- that was a silver lining! But it’s hard to go with the flow for some of us, so your post really resonates with me sweets. I’ve since learned that wine fixes everything. EVERYTHING. x
I can’t even imagine how helpless and out of control it must feel to have a premmie baby Sasha. It’s a whole new level of OH FUCK because it’s not just about getting them to sleep or eat, it’s about a whole host of health issues as well. Oh god the research I’d have to do….
I found it hard to go with the flow at first and was also really concerned about other people thinking I wasn’t doing a good job. Thank God I got the most amazing, least judgemental mothers group in the world who could all freely admit when they were feeling clueless. As soon as I had that safety net of women who could laugh at the crazy, I started to relax and enjoy it without the pressure of appearing to be perfect. Women can be so awesome sometimes.
I love this, but I would say the nurses are a little wrong. I am a medium-aged mum, 26 when I had my son (well, I still think I am young, maybe I am actually not but don’t want to admit it), and I would say I felt even more pressure to be an amazing mum, while also hold a professional career (which I still do now). Even more so, my professional career names me as an ‘expert’ in that very area. I’m sure my son sits back and laughs, like ‘you have a degree, you work with kids and parents, but I still outsmart you mummy’. It’s bloody hard work!
Oh so you’re just advanced for your age Krissy 😉
I think it’s not so much the age, but a combination of being in control of your life, being used to quite a structured, predictable environment, and being the sort of person who likes to be able to find answers and apply them to their life.
No matter how old you are, if you’re used to kicking goals every day, it can be quite a shock to the system to suddenly be not so awesome or “successful”…. Kids are a fantastic equaliser. If you haven’t yet learnt to be humble in your life, they’ll force it upon you!!
Your article could have been written about my mums group when I had my first born. It was filled with amazing mums in their 30’s and me who had my first bub at 26. All successful working women now dealing with a newbie who didn’t know the rules dictated by the parenting books. Meanwhile I had never run off a schedule in my life and was more inclined to chill out and ‘go with the flow’. Luckily for me my bub slept like a dream and was dubbed ‘the mythical sleeping baby’. Not once did these beautiful women seem at all resentful of me but were amazed and have to say amused by my attempts at saying I really did nothing to make him sleep. My bub just did it, I was uncredibly lucky. But it was this network of women in the same situation that really helped me. No one judged we just got on with life and had a laugh. I think it’s exactly what you need to keep your mind during those first 12 months!
Yep that’s the beautiful thing about mums groups (if you get a good one!) the complete lack of judgement that comes from a group of women in the same situation. We were the same with our “young one” – just in awe of how relaxed and natural she was. She was happy, her baby was happy, we all wanted to be like her!!
I definitely think overthinking parenting can take the joy out of it. I wanted my mothering to be the most natural thing in the world. I could see the slippery slope into worry and I didn’t want that for the most important “job” of my life. I wanted to relax and enjoy it. Besides, as Hugzy said, I’m way more pragmatic than anxious. I don’t worry unless absolutely necessary. That shit gives you wrinkles.
I was in my 30s when my kids arrived. Older, educated, successful, stable marriage – I actually thought that the best time to procreate. For us, anyway. I really felt like I hit the ground running when I became a mum, it was what I was born for. I read all the books then did what I wanted anyway.
There have been times when I’ve wondered if my relaxed approach (I call it “half-attachment, three-quarters everything I learned on Roseanne”) has meant I don’t look like I love my children or want the best for them as much as the people who tie themselves up into knots trying to get it just so rIght. Because our kids deserve the best. But if they’ve thought it, nobody has said anything. And they won’t if they know what’s good for ’em 😉
Ha! I can’t imagine you being a stress head Stacey. And I would never think that someone who is relaxed and happy doesn’t love their child as much!! Just that they’re not crazy!! Luckily my crazy only lasted a few months. I think it only lasts that long for most… Until you snap out of it and realise the books aren’t helping and you can’t tell an infant what to do.
True. My wallet got stolen and some chick is spending up in French Connection right now so I’m eating soup and reading about Angelina Jolie’s uterus.
Through infertility I did a lot of stressing and overanalysing – I tried to maintain career control because the whole fertility and then adoption thing was totally out of my control but then I lost interest with it because I just really wanted to be a mum. By the time we adopted our daughter I was 36 and I think I’d determined not to over-stress and over-think and just enjoy her – I was much more relaxed than I thought I’d be. But I reckon you are on to something with the more mature, educated mums being the over-thinkers. Glad your natural motherly instincts kicked in.
So maybe your age was a bonus Kathy! You got past the stressy over-achiever part and managed to grasp that being relaxed was far better than being perfect.
I was young mum with my first ( nearly 21) and had no idea what to do. I figured it out day by day. Huge learning curve. When I had my second one 14 years later and another 18 months after that I was a lot more relaxed and sort of knew what to worry about and what not to. I enjoyed being a younger and older mum as there were advantages at both ages. I think mums have it harder now as you are supposed to have a career – be a mum and juggle everything without dropping the balls. Hats off to you ladies. Young or older you all do an amazing job
There is SO much that’s expected now. You need to do it all and you need to be perfect at it. The pressure to be more than “just a mum” is exhausting.
I’m really intrigued as to how I will react with a newborn. I’m a researcher and problem solver and stakeholder engagement person in my work so I may feel the need to research and control the situation… but we’ll see. I thought I’d be a massive bridezilla and be super stressed but I was so chilled out and relaxed about the whole thing, it really surprised me (and delighted my husband who also suspected I carried the bridezilla gene).
By the way, the description of having no HR and org chart with a newborn – freaking hilarious!
Oh doll, you think organising a wedding is hard? That’s a picnic! At least you’re dealing with adults who will generally bend to your will if you push hard enough. These tiny creatures give exactly zero fucks what you want. It can drive you round the bend. Because you love them SO DAMN MUCH and it’s so upsetting when they’re overtired or not eating and you want to scream because you want to take care of them and they won’t let you.
The really tricky part is that you need to read a certain amount so you have an idea of what to expect and how to care for them. It’s handy to know how much sleep they should be getting and how often they need to be fed and some of the tired signs etc etc… but you need to stop reading before you get too much conflicting advice and you need to not stress when you find your baby does the exact opposite of everything the books say…. If you can find that balance, you’ll be so much happier. I wish I’d known how little I was going to succeed at and that it was totally ok to not succeed because it would all work out in the end. It would have made me heaps more relaxed.
Oh boy. Having the Little Mister signalled the beginning of the longest, most anxiety ridden year of my life. The whole first year of his life I overthought everything. I read everything ever written. AND I HAD A SLEEPER! Sigh. I cared too much what other people thought. I kept searching for that mythical answer. It wasn’t until I gave up on that and decided to become like the honey badger and not give a shit, that I realised I was doing quite OK as a mummy. You learn how to tune out the BS after a while. You have to, for survival’s sake. My name is Kez and I am an over-intellectualiser. I had to get out of my head and learn to trust my instincts! I actually loved the nurses who kept it real – were a little bit old school, but not so much they scared the shit out of me.
Oh, but sidenote? Those nurses were pretty unprofesh. Keep it for after work drinks, ladies! There are a bunch of overthinking, over tired, over worried mummies who don’t need to overhear more judgement! x
Yes Kez! I loved a bit of old-school “harden up mumma” tough love from the nurses. It made me feel strangely safe. I’m still learning to tune out all the BS. It gets to me sometimes because I feel I’m at a place where I don’t need all the advice all the time, so when I get it shoved in my face I get a bit annoyed and frustrated with conflicting advice and opinions. I’ll get better at it! xxx
I was lucky enough to have babies who slept (thank you Save Our Sleep book – ha!) BUT, despite that, I still overthought everything with my first and tried to control everything with him. Because YES, I was a highly educated woman with the resources of the world at my fingertips.
I found it so funny how much more relaxed I was with #2 because by then I’d learnt there is no point trying to overthink a baby. The sooner you accept you are at their mercy, the more relaxed life gets!
Too right Kelly! I think pretty much every mum says this by the time they’re on to their second child. So much less stress and panic. The first kid has beaten it out of you!
Absolutely. I was close enough to 37 when I had my first child. I just given up a stockbroking role. I thought I over analysed but it was nothing compared to the discussions going on at mothers groups and on the internet. After the first few months I got over it and by the time my second child arrived I was soo over it. My kids are at school now and I remain completely over it.
Yes, I definitely think most mums learn fairly quickly that their child can not be controlled and it’s far more sane to just roll with the punches, but it’s those first few panic stricken months that can make you a bit crazy.
I was that 21 year old mum in the mum’s group with all the 30+ year old mums. I probably was more relaxed but I think that was more to do with the fact I am the eldest of 6 kids so I felt like I had been raising babies my whole life. This time around I’m mid 30’s so I’d be the older mum in the group ( didn’t join a mothers group this time), not sure where I’d fit in now…
From my experience I don’t know if working/career/corporate mums are more stressy but I do find older mums ( mid to late 30/40’s) to be a bit more worried/helicopter-y than younger mums. I think it’s because they have only ever had to worry about themselves & then they have this baby who is unpredictable & won’t stick to a schedule & it kind of puts them into a flap. I’m not saying all older mums are like that but the ones I know have been.
As long as we all try our best then that’s all that matters. Not everyone is naturally relaxed, go with the flow kind of person. If you need to read all the things & talk to all the people then do that. Whatever gets you through those early years parenting is Ok with me 🙂
Spot on… I definitely think older mums are a bit more anxious by nature. Maybe they’ve just lost that naivety of youth that says everything will be ok. Maybe they’ve seen enough shit go wrong in their life to be a tad more cautious and suspicious of everything.
You could be right. I think the Internet has a lot to answer for too. I had no internet when my first too were born so if I was worried about something I couldn’t Google the shit out of it & freak myself out even more. The only research I could do was parenting books or people I knew.
Google is a total curse sometimes.
It’s probably just arrogance (LOL), but I never worried or second-guessed myself when I had my first baby. I find it a little bit bewildering, to be honest. I lean towards pragmatism rather than anxiousness in general, so that’s probably got a lot to do with it.
I think my husband was surprised by my complete lack of arrogance when I had my baby. He told me he was blown away when I kept asking the midwives for help in hospital. I think he thought I’d be all “I know what I’m doing, go away!” but I was just so determined to make sure I had all the information I needed to do right by my bub. It made me a bit crazy.
‘ cohesive unit.’…’routine’….bahahahahaha….*hysterical Nanny laugh*
If and when there are successive Thuds….all that will go out the door…you wont have time to worry and fuss….nor will you want to…….like you have (and I did also) with our first child…Poor little 1st time babies have to break new Mums in…LOL
Yep, he’s my practice child! I’ve already given up the fuss and (most of) the worry. He demanded it!
I found that going from being chief sub-editor in a newsroom and working from 6am to 6pm and dealing with a horrible editor, 4 know-it-all subs and 6 journos was a BREEZE compared to figuring out why my newborn daughter didn’t sleep, feed as she was ‘supposed’ to and that things didn’t come naturally. I believe this is a lot of truth in your words, I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m a control freak and someone that has to know everything, why, what, where, where and HOW THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU WORK CHILD? Love this post.
Emily, I truly believe journos are probably the worst at this. It’s our job to research the shit out of everything and use every source you can to get to the bottom of an issue. And that innate curiosity of WHY WHY WHY? was nearly my downfall.
Yes, yes and yes. I read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on before our son was born (wasn’t helped by being on bed rest for the majority of the pregnancy) and though I knew EVERYTHING there was when it came to looking after a baby – after all how hard could it be after managing a team of adults for years!
I was all for a routine because you know, I needed to be in control and would feel physically sick if he dared to sleep longer than the ‘book said’. It took a good couple of months to chill out and being to accept that I really had no control over things and then 16 months later when his little brother came along it was all about embracing the chaos. I think once we learn there are no rules and start embracing this, life starts to be a little bit happier and easier for everyone.
Exactly Lauren! Once I learned to chill out and accept I couldn’t control everything, I started to actually enjoy it.
haha maybe you are onto something there!
I’m pretty chilled with the whole newborn thing so everyone just comments how relaxed and calm I always am (even if I’m not totally feelin’ it myself!)
Figured out pretty quickly that what works today won’t even work tomorrow so just take each day as it comes!
Being chilled is the most important attribute a mother can have! Be chilled or lose your mind.