I’m still months away from having my second child, but the guilt has already arrived. Guilt and anxiety over how Thud will cope with the arrival of his little sister.
My child has had 100% of his parents’ attention for his entire life. It’s extreme. We’re not particularly hands-off parents. We are pathetic and indulgent and we treat him like he’s something really spectacular. If he were going to be an only child, he’d probably end up the most awful, spoilt, self-obsessed child on the planet. We do it all wrong.
But at the moment, he’s an incredibly happy and loved little boy and I’m really worried about how he’ll cope when the world isn’t revolving around him anymore.
So I asked my readers what they did to prepare their children for the arrival of a new baby, and as I expected they were full of ALL the advice.
Here are my top picks (and consequently, what we’ll be doing to prepare Thud):
I just explained to him that he was going to have a little brother to teach and help with everything! Then totally involved him by letting him get the nappies and wipes and bibs and things to help and he totally loved it. When the baby cried the older boy would go get the dummy and pat him and they formed their very own bond from that! – Leanne J
One thing I do regret is that we weren’t clear with her that I would be in hospital for a few days, and I think she struggled more with that than my sweet hubbie has let on. I wish I’d thought to prepare her more for that. The joy of hindsight eh?! – Caroline R
The baby ‘gave’ a present on that first hospital visit when they arrived which always went down well. I also wasn’t holding the baby when they came in but had my arms free to cuddle them. I always found that they loved the baby, but any negative behaviour or regression was directed towards me. It does settle down after a couple of months, but I think no matter what you prepare for they always throw a curve ball! – Nicola B
The only other thing I’d suggest is not to plan to do anything major like move Thud out of a cot or toilet train or get rid of a dummy etc in the few months after the baby arrives. Anything like that you think you’ll need to do, try to do now or put off for a while – Melanie M
A bit of advice to me was don’t tell the older sibling what they can’t do (don’t poke his eyes) but tell and show them how to interact with the baby (pat his head gently like this) so they feel involved not rejected from showing interest – Liz T
One awesome thing we did was to give our 2yo a disposable camera when he came to visit the baby for he first time so he could be involved and take his own pics. OMG he was obsessed! It was so much fun for all of us and he felt really important and involved. The photos he took are hilarious (a lot of elbows and stunned eyebrows, but some amazingly lucky candid shots too. Too precious). Totally something I recommend now to any mummy friends expecting more babies – Ginny P
I organised familiar people, activities, meals and routines for when I was in the hospital. One night my husband bought a special dinner (take away pizza!) for us all to share in the hospital together. I also had a special ‘feeding time’ box full of new toys/activities that came out when we got home – Joanne N
You need to get him used to not being carried now!! That was a big thing but I found that the actual pregnancy helped with that as it gave me a good reason. Just be careful not to blame the baby as to why you can’t lift him. I would always say instead “let me sit down and then I can give you cuddles” – Sandra W
Make the new baby a part of casual conversation, like “when the baby comes she will only drink milk ” while Thud eats lunch etc. Or read a short book about new babies or big brothers. Point out babies at the shops. Also setting up our daughter’s bed and a change table and little bits and pieces helped make her real before she was here – Cara M
For two years, your lovely little dictator has basically been able to snap his fingers and you have immediately swung into action – because you could. When number two arrives, it’s no longer possible to do this, because you will invariably be in the middle of changing a nappy, feeding, or just generally dealing with the baby. I highly recommend you start preparing him for this change NOW… the concept of waiting until Mummy is ready takes a while – Robyn B
The baby always has given a present to the older sibling. I also never held the baby when they came to the hospital. They sort of just hung out in the corner of the room and then ” oh, look that’s your baby!” Prep was just including them, buying things at the shop for baby, putting stuff in baby’s room. Feeding bear a bottle and changing nappies on bear. I also put the car seat in early to get them used to the fact the baby will be joining them in the backseat – Chantal K
We bought one of those creepy anatomically-correct newborn dolls & got him to bath with it, dress it, change its nappy and be very gentle. And of course explained about the baby in mummy’s belly at the same time – Pamela F
The most frequent suggestions were about buying presents “from the baby” and to read books about new babies to Thud.
I was lucky enough to get a copy of ‘Too Busy Sleeping’ by Zanni Louise and Anna Pignataro. This new book is about a little girl called Eleanor who is desperate to play with her brand new baby brother Rueben but he’s too busy sleeping (as babies do).
Author Zanni wrote the book after her second daughter was born because she wanted to put a positive spin on the new sibling relationship, without the cliches of jealousy and resentment. In this story Eleanor isn’t upset or jealous, she simply wants to play with her new brother (but, let’s be honest, a newborn is just about the most boring new toy ever).
I’ll be using the book to try and get Thud excited about meeting his little sister. If I try and focus on what a great thing it is, maybe he won’t even consider being jealous?? RIGHT??
Plus, it’ll be a great way to teach him not to expect too much. It’s not exactly like this kid will come out ready to play Lego. She’ll be asleep. All the time. RIGHT?? Please tell me she’ll be asleep all the time. I’ve done the non-sleeping kid. I’ve earned a sleeper.
What did you do to prepare your kids for a new baby? Was your baby a sleeper? Was each kid easier than the one before? SAY YES.
Come on over and join The Thud on Facebook because it’s full of awesome people like the ones above
41 comments
[…] box of “feeding time activities” you carefully curated for your toddler before the baby arrived lies discarded behind the couch as […]
I researched this topic extensively for my 2nd child. I had an exact game plan in place and everyone involved had their role to play, everyone else thought I was going overboard but it was important to me.
The day after baby was born, my husband met the grandparents and my oldest son in the carpark of the nursing home. He was taken up to be introduced to ‘his’ new brother (who was sleeping in his cot – Not being breastfed or carried). After he had had a short visit, the grandparents knocked on the door, and my eldest son, opened it and showed off ‘his brother’ to his grandparents. These two boys have always been the best of friend with absolutely no jealousy, it may have helped that they got off to such a good start.
This all went so well that I’m going to try an orchestrate something similar for my forth baby who has a very possesive 2 year old sister, it will be harder to manage around a homebirth though.
Being super concerned parents, we’d gone through this when our first child was born – and got a whole lot of tips from our ‘preparing your dog for the new arrival’. I have to say, most of them, slightly modified, worked! Ie. We went on a holiday for a week about two months before the baby was due, without our son (who was at home with his grandparents – and his dog) as we had a wedding in Perth and he wasn’t invited. And we came back – without a baby (can’t blame the baby for that!). Plus we got him used to more playing by himself, just because we said he needed to – again, no baby blaming (all of these were equivalent to ‘randamly locking the dog outside, not to do with the baby’. He helped us get ready for the baby, plus he had the bonus of having his mum home with him for almost a year (thanks baby!) Oh, and he gave a present to the baby, and he got one as well (plus from a number of others, who bought presents for both). We didn’t get him to sniff clothes in advance though, but he had a doll that was ‘his baby’ and he would sit next to me when I was feeding, and try too (so cute – this lasted for a couple of weeks, but it helped to bridge things), plus he would take his ‘baby’ for a walk in the stoker next to my pram. All seemed to work out – sure it will for you, too!
We were lucky with a 4 year age gap and our daughter being a real mother hen that we never had a jealousy issue. Also we had some awesome friends who when they brought a gift for the baby also brought something tiny for Raya. This way she connected all the presents with her brother. I think you will be fine. I agree trying to teach him to sit next to you on the lounge and have a cuddle rather than jump all over you will be important cause you can guess when you are trying to feed Thud will want to use you like a jungle gym.
I love your friends Michelle! What a sweet idea. I definitely need to remind everyone to say hello to him first when they come to visit. The baby can wait!
Do you know what? We hardly did a thing. Just talked about the new baby coming up soon (handy having the pregnant belly, I think) and then got on with it. When the new bairn was born, they brought along a little soft toy for their sibling. It worked out just fine in the end. He’ll be an EVEN MORE very loved, incredibly happy little boy because soon he’ll be that thing of magic – a brother. x
Aw Bron, I can’t wait to see him as a big brother! He’s already telling everyone he’s a “Bee Bruvva” and it’s so cute. And he’s very fascinated with my belly. A tad rough (his idea of ‘kissing the baby’ is more of a Liverpool Kiss) but he loves pointing it out to everyone.
We also did the present thing… even now he’s five, my son still thinks my daughter came out of mummy’s tummy clutching Hiro the train as a gift for him! My best advice would be to explain to Thud everything you’re doing and why his sister is doing what she’s doing. (Ie why she cries all the time and won’t leave mummy’s boobies alone…) My son and daughter are a similar age gap and they’ve always gotten along great. I’m SURE yours will be the same!
Oh Zoe, I really hope so! I’ll definitely do lots of commentating so he knows what’s going on and feels a bit involved. He already thinks it’s ‘his’ baby, so I can imagine he’ll want to be very involved.
I’m so worried when we add to our family our daughter won’t cope. She’s so used to having my full attention and I’m not sure she’ll like sharing the limelight with someone else. I love some of the suggestions above though and will be keeping those ideas in my back pocket. We also have Zanni’s book which I think will help a lot.
That’s it isn’t it Toni. They’ve been the centre of your world for so long that when someone else comes along it could be a disaster. I’m hoping I’m worried about nothing…. fingers crossed!
It isn’t better, or worse, just different. I wouldn’t stress about it too much, he will be fine.
He doesn’t cope well with change Malinda! I’m hoping he just takes this in his stride though. He might surprise me!
What great advice! I love the feeding time activity box idea. I always wonder how stressful that would be, trying to feed and deal with an older child who wants your attention too.
Fate has given us the guarantee of a bigger age gap between children, no matter what happens from here on out (‘trying’ on our own hasn’t worked yet sadly), so I do feel it’s a blessing in disguise that when we are finally able to give our son a sibling, he’ll be at school some of the time and old enough to understand how to play independently and help out. I am sure Thud will be OK. I was a ratbag of an older sibling when my brother came along (he’s 3 years younger) and we’re great mates now xx
I thought so much about the ideal age gap Kez. I think a larger gap can work really well and I did think about maybe waiting until Thud was at school. But then I realised I’m just too old! Haha! Hope it all works out for you really soon xxx
If Thud is happy, everyone is happy. Don’t take it all too seriously… just sit back and enjoy the madness which is about to occur. #FYBF
Trying not to worry Natalie! I’m hoping I’m overreacting….
I love Ginny’s idea with the camera. Wish I had thought of that for my girls. I’ve done it twice and my girls seemed to adapt well. We read books and talked about the baby. When I was pregnant with Phoebe I even asked Esther which name she liked better because we were tossing between two names. She said she liked Phoebe so that’s what we went with. Of course she told her grandparents the night before the birth, but that didn’t matter as I think it helped her understand why she was sleeping at Grandma’s and that the next day she would have a new sister.
I just ordered Zanni’s book so I’m looking forward to reading it to the girls. The illustrations look delightful too.
The camera is a really sweet idea and I think we’ll try that one. Thud is always trying to steal my camera so he might love having one of his own. I think it would be so cute to see the pics he takes.
It’ll be a tough transition for everyone but it won’t be long before they’re best buds. My two plot against me now, I’m screwed 😉
Oh Jesus, I never thought about them ganging up on me. Bloody hell that’s going to happen isn’t it??
I think books like Zanni’s are a great idea! Who wants to focus on the possible negatives? I was lucky in that my eldest and step kids were 9, 10 and 11 when the little one came along and were hugely excited and helpful.
The book is so cute and lovely Amy. I think it’s perfect to introduce the idea of being excited rather than wary of the new baby. Hoping it rubs off!
Oh I love the idea of a camera! We were convinced our second one had to be a good sleeper because our first one was appalling so we figured the universe owed us one. Universe sucks – our second was SO MUCH WORSE. And a lousy feeder too. But I’m sure your second will be perfect. Really.
Don’t tell me that Rebecca!!! Just lie to me and tell me it will be SO much easier this time around!!
I know how you feel. My eldest was very long-awaited and rather indulged too. We did the “gift to the baby” thing and she also got her own baby to look after (which she loved to bits and still has stashed in the cupboard – she’s 15!). Getting the eldest child to help worked well, but just watch they don’t become the boss and the dobber… mine still is! I must admit, it’s handy sometimes, but quite painful others. I have to remind her that I’m the Mum and I get to say what her brother can and can’t do! Don’t worry, it will all work out. Just take it one day at a time 🙂
Oh yes, the bossy eldest! I have an older sister, I know what that’s like 😉 Not sure that can be helped. I think they’re all the same aren’t they Lyndall?? Hehehe…
These are the best tips ever! While I am well finished having children, I do so wish I had these tips when I introduced my two. xx
I’m studying them Nicole! I think if I try them all, at least one or two will work, right?
My kids liked when I was in hospital…they got those little packs of biscuits/cookies…(Look I saved these just for you)…..you would think they..never got biscuits at home…LOL….
My son was fine with new bub…read him all books…it was when she became mobile and into all his stuff…and annoying his TV…drawing…car tracks all over the floor that we had some tense times…mainly taming her….LOL…….
What ever you do for your family…is the right thing…stop comparing….you will drive yourself nuts…*G*
Haha, how cute are kids? But then again, I love those little biscuit packets too 😉
Should be interesting when the baby starts to move… I hadn’t really thought about that!
We have a five year age gap between our two so we were really concerned how it would all go once bub arrived! Bub gave his big brother Lego (score!) and I made sure that when bub was sleeping, we had fun time for him and I. We also set up a small table for colouring in or playing at and a car mat on the floor in the nursery so if we were there changing nappies or feeding, our eldest could feel like he was a part of it by being in the room too. But once they met, he was smitten with his new brother 🙂
That’s a great idea Emma. I’ll set up a little play area for him in her nursery so he feels involved. I love that.
The other thing I’m worried about is just having enough energy to still play with him when the baby is sleeping. It’s so much easier when there’s only one!!
“The concept of waiting until mummy is ready” NEVER HAPPENS.
So you can let that one go right now.
EVER
NEVER EVER
This is where Peppa Pig on the iPad comes into play I think…
We had my second little boy when my eldest was 2.5, which is pretty much the peak of self-centredom in terms of human development. My toddler spent the first three weeks ignoring the baby and refusing to go anywhere near him. Upon realising that the baby was here to stay he shifted into a slow-burning resentment that lasted about 6 months. Three years later they are the best of mates. LOL.
I’d actually be fine if he decided to just ignore the baby Hugzy. It would be safer for us all if he did. He’s not known for his gentle touch…
If my 18-month-old had looked up from her iPad for a fraction of a second, she may have cared. She actually gets more jealous now, and I have to patiently explain to a 4- and 3-year-old that I’m EVERYBODY’S MUMMY.
Uh oh. MY MUMMY! I’ve seen that before. At least they love you. Thud’ll be more “you can have her sis, where’s dad?”
I hear you on the concerns. it wasnt an issue for me as there was a 7.5 year gap with our kids. Big sister adored getting a little brother. However, the age gap was almost a generation so common interests as they grew up together were a challenge.
I have seen 2 grandkids go from #1 to being big sister and big brother and both have been just fine. Just as you are doing, you talk a bit about the new baby (dont over do it) and you set up some interesting and nice little rewards/gifts for the child when he comes to see you. Just as everyone else has said. I did find, observing the grandkids that they are genuinely interested and fascinated by the new baby. I also found that having some snacks with you (I used to supply these for my DIL) in your room will give your son something to look forward to and to eat/drink while other visitors are there. The eldest GD was totally fascinated by the TV above her mum’s bed back in 1999!! Good wishes
Denyse x
Hahaha, Denyse, that sounds like Thud. He’d be much more excited by the TV hanging from the ceiling than the sleeping baby. And I’ll be bringing ALL the snacks! Great idea xxx