You might be starting school tomorrow but I can still hold you in my arms.
I keep looking at you and asking, with the brightest face I can muster, “are you excited about starting school?” And you look at me blankly, shrug and say, “I’m thinking”
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask such a silly question.
What I really mean is, “please be excited because then I’ll feel better because deep down *I’m* really nervous”
And what you really mean is, “I don’t know how to say what I feel but if I did I’d probably say I’m a bit nervous too”
I’m scared because when I dropped you off on your first day of preschool… well, it was a really hard day for us all.
So I asked you if you thought you might be scared for your new school, and you said, “I think I might be scared for the first day, but after that, I will be ok”
And I was so proud of your maturity and self-awareness I could barely find the words to tell you.
I was also proud of myself. I’ve helped you get here, and I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of anything in my life.
I’m just proud of YOU. All of you. I’m proud of your strength, your wisdom, your sensitivity, your kindness, your energy, your intelligence, your mind, your laugh, your generosity.
Oh, my clever, thoughtful, sweet boy, when did you get so big? How am I going to let you go?
It seems silly and small. In years to come, I’ll look back and laugh at how anxious I was. I’ll roll my eyes at the tears and emotions.
But I’ll never dismiss the pride I feel today. This is justified. And I know you’ll make me proud every day of your life, even when you’ve done nothing but be you because that’s enough for me.
You’ve survived five years with me. Now it’s someone else’s turn to guide you.
I’ll still be here at night and I hope you’ll still want to hear from your boring mum after spending all day with your cool and infinitely more knowledgeable teacher… but I hope you know I’ll never stop wanting to be your person…your safe place.
Because you might be a big boy now, but you’ll always be my baby. I love you. Mummy xx
