If you have a child and have ever used the internet (first time? Welcome!) there’s a good chance you’ve stumbled across a parenting forum. Message boards filled with questions and answers about child rearing (please note: ‘answers’ may also come in the form of criticism, judgement, opinion and extremely unhelpful, not even remotely related ‘advice’) .
I’m a bit of a lurker. I don’t post questions and I don’t dish out answers. But God I love reading them. Don’t you? Occasionally helpful, usually hilarious and downright fascinating. Honestly, the shit people post online….
If you’ve never ventured, let me give you an idea of the online mums you’ll find.
JERRY SPRINGER MUM
Baby daddy left as soon as I told him I was pregnant and my new partner keeps cheating on me because he says he doesn’t want to be a father. He stole money from me last night to go to a strip joint. I needed that money to pay for solicitors…. What should I do?
Jerry Springer mum comes to air her dirty laundry. Including her funky, crusty undies. It’s ALL hanging out. JS mum posts always include a very confusing trail of partners, relatives and court proceedings and you’re always left wondering what her actual question is.
Chatroom etiquette demands these questions be answered with a chorus of “You’re worth more than that!!” and other girl power type responses #nojudgement
SANCTI-MUMMY
My sister in law feeds her baby PRE PACKAGED POUCHES OF FOOD!!!! Should I say something? I mean, she’s so lazy! How hard is it to whip up a home cooked meal every night? I can’t bear to think of all the additives and preservatives in that stuff. No wonder her six month old cries every few hours. I will NEVER feed my child anything with a barcode.
P.S she also has the TV on when her baby is in the same room. I can’t even cope with the negligence. It’s so wrong
Sancti-mummy is flawless.
Everyone hates her #judgement
TMI MUM
TMI LOL! I’ve had a lot of discharge today… Do you think this is my mucus plug? See photo attached…
The TMI (Too Much Information) Mum believes that placing TMI in front of her question immediately excuses her from general social rules around what’s appropriate to discuss with strangers and what’s not. Bodily functions are her stock in trade.
True story: I’m a member of a large mother’s group on Facebook and recently a woman posted a photo exactly like this, asking people if they could see a second line – on her freshly peed on pregnancy test. Couldn’t even wait to stand and pull her knickers up.
SUPER MUM (according to her)
OMG I just don’t know where I find the time to fit in my 40 hour work week, plus all the home-made meals I make for the neighbourhood and the novel I’m writing and the new baby clothes line I’m launching this week. Phew, being a mum is tough! But I did find time to host baby Timpany’s first music class! She’s so gifted! #blessed #bestmumever
Super mum has SO much on her plate, including these freshly baked gluten-free banana and chia muffins she just made. Her posts are generally just a way for her to humble-brag about all the amazing things she’s achieved this week while you were bitching about cutting fingernails every five minutes and wondering if it’s ok to feed your child baked beans three nights in a row.
These attention seekers usually get very little response because everyone’s too busy rolling their eyes and chanting If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all…. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all…. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all….#bitetongue
THE CHOICE REPORT MUM
What stroller are you all getting? I’ve been reading the choice report on prams and it says….
Choice Report Mum knows every recalled baby product going back to the early 1990s. She knows the danger involved in every baby product you foolishly bought. She can cite references for every child that has died as a result of that baby wipe warmer you have. She can also let you know about the studies that prove that baby carrier you’re using will give your child a curved spine.
She will make you realise you have no freaking idea what you’re doing (and you’re raising Quasimodo).
THE DIAGNOSE MY CHILD MUMS
My DD came up with this strange rash this morning…. Should I be worried? (see picture attached)
See this photo of my child’s head? He fell into a wall. He was unconscious for a minute or two. Do you think I should take him to a doctor?
Some parents like to use chatrooms instead of doctors rooms. Frequently in possession of photographic evidence, they list symptoms and point to marks, spots, welts etc. and ask for everyone’s opinion on what affliction their poor child has come down with.
The question is nearly always met with a chorus of “TAKE YOUR CHILD TO THE DOCTOR FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, WE ARE NOT QUALIFIED!”
And yet the medical questions keep coming….
THE PANICKER
OMG Please help! My baby vomited after having a breastfeed today! What does that mean?
Bless her socks, this one needs a stiff-drink. If only she wasn’t convinced that just sniffing alcohol would taint her breast milk and give her child fetal alcohol syndrome. This poor mum is in knots about everything.
Everyone loves the panicker because she makes all our worries seem a bit normal. You are required to respond with something along the lines of “that’s perfectly normal”. Unhelpful responses include things like “Yeah, I’d be worried too” because you’d just break her.
THE OFF-TOPICKER (The OT)
Sorry if this is OT but my mother in law is SUCH a cow!
Comes to parenting forum to seek relationship advice or to bitch about their mother in law. Frequently the most popular post because everyone needs a good bitch session now and then.
Which online mum are you? Did I miss any? Do you lurk like me?
Are you following The Thud on Facebook? You should be!
38 comments
These are hilarious!!! I’m a lurker too (she says sheepishly). I’m forever rolling my eyes at the Super Mum. I specifically go to one particular page when I need extra drama in my life and live vicariously.
Holy Shitballs – I am three of them. I mean I knew I had multiple personalities but THREE.. OF THOSE??? I am the TMI, The Panicker and the Totally off topicer. By the way did I tell you about that time I stuck a chilli pea up my nose? 😉 xx
I’m the Choice Report Mum.
I love reading reviews and based some of my decisions on people’s reviews. Like going to TripAdvisor.com to determine which hotels are family friendly and reading about what they liked or didn’t like about the accomodation. Or going to Taste.com.au to filter which beef stroganoff recipe was the most tastiest (and modifications people made to the recipe to get insight on what worked for them).
I use to read these forums for Jerry Springer type entertainment when my kids were babies – before I discovered the land of blogs. I loved the ‘my boyfriends in prison, but his best friend and I are engaged and his sisters who’s 8 months pregnant to wants to belt me up. I’d get a taxi but he took all money for groceries and got mugged for the 6th time this week – I’m thinking of eloping with my cousin’ type drama!! Hehe! Then all the girl power comes out in force. Cracks me up!!! Awesome summary of all the readers Thudster xx
Lauren! Too funny! I’ve actually never gone near a parenting forum but I’ve been part of plenty other types of forums and there are versions of all these mummies in those. (And I cannot stop laughing at your pee-on-a-stick re-enactment!)
I have never frequented a forum, and now I’m a little glad I haven’t!
Also how serious do you reckon Supermum is? Does she do half of what she says she does?
Brilliantly funny and scarily insightful as always Lauren! I love it and yes I have known and still know many of these mums, especially the choice report mum. Who after my Phil and Teds tipped backwards with precious cargo still in the second seat, proceeded to not help me save precious cargo while I scrambled to lift the pram, but inform me that this was the reason she didn’t purchase this ‘Death Trap’…Love her! And love this post! xxx
LOL. I am the cynical mum who fails to capture all her kids’ key milestones on camera and rolls her eyes at the over-earnest mummies who make scrapbook pages from their kids used snot rags.
What kind of online Mum am I? The one looking at hunks and reading the Game of Thrones spoilers. Oh you were talking about Mummy chat forums? Never been there.
Fellow lurker here! You’ve exposed me to a new set of acronyms that I’m keen to try and work into everyday conversation (should be fun and confusing) . As for your realistic re-enactment photo – you have gone above and beyond for your blog Lauren. There should be an award for that 🙂
This post has had me laughing the whole way through. That toilet pic is hilarious! I love to lurk as well, I participate only as a spectator!
(Sings to self – ‘la, la, la, la’) Oh gosh! I am not on Facebook or in forums … oh gosh, is it really like this? I am glad I have stayed away! Gosh!
Lauren! It’s so funny! I hate the super perfect mum! So boring! And the sanctimum is awful too. The other ones are funnier! At least on a web forum. I wouldn’t like to have a chat at the park with diagnose my child mum for instance! I’m so busy cooking the perfect cookies of the world and taking my kids to their theater class that I couldn’t spend some time on parenting forum!!! (did I play her well?) haha xx cathy
You’ve just opened up a whole new world to me!
Love this Lauren!
I think I may have actually met Timpany’s mum a few times over the years. Not my favourite, too super for me.
I don’t really fit into any of those categories…maybe I’m too boring…
Hilarious. I’m a newbie to the world of parenting forums. I felt the fear and hence, it’s taken me five years to get there. My favourite posts are: missing hamster, bunny rabbit, stuffed toy… and I can’t even tell you why I find them so appealing, perhaps it’s just kind of homey, back fencey and some other -ey x
If I was drinking my wine whilst reading this, I would have spat it out from laughing! OMG, there are so many TMI and Diagnose My Child mums in my online mums group. If I have to read one more post about “what is your first period like after having your baby?” and them describing in great detail what theirs is currently like, and seeing photos of DIRTY NAPPIES (yes, I kid you not they post photos of nappies filled with poo – ewwww) with mums asking if this is normal, I may just go completely bonkers…
I love these! Are you on NSMs or IWMs on FB? They KILL me! I lurk too, I just enjoy the fall out.
haha I can’t get over the loo pic hahahaha!!
I love stalking those site.
Don’t tell anybody but I actually enjoy some of the online fights that break out on the sites between parents….holy shit I need to get out more !!!!!!
I’m a total lurker! It’s kind of amusing watching some things unfold, especially in the mothers groups on Facebook.
There’s one in mine at the moment who is all ‘omg my baby (5 weeks old mind you) hasn’t smiled yet, is that normal? I must be doing something wrong, I’m a terrible mother!’ But she is the same one who put up a video of her baby rocking to the side and being all ‘omg my baby just rolled over!’
I love the ‘my baby is clearly a genius’ ones. They’re so funny. ‘My 3 month old spoke, I heard it, she’s so smart!’ Usually goes with sancti/super-mummy territory.
oh def. . the Lurker, with my mouth constantly hanging open. I mean WTF. over sharing doesn’t even begin to describe it. bloody funny tho. makes my life seem so calm and collected. which is a good thing. x
Oh gosh, so so true. I’m such a lurker. I even lurk on FB. I’m like a total creep, really. So is that a separate category- the creep Mum? Lurking and getting all the insights on everyone else but staying incognito like a stalkerish ninja? I’m so on it. x
Haha, I needed that today! Sancti-mummy can eat my scones from the Coles Bakery – YES I bought SCONES. I couldn’t even make scones. Worst. Mum. Ever.
Emily! #worstmumever I think we should start that hashtag. Today mine would be: I accidentally kicked my son in the head while we were wrestling and it really hurt him #worstmumever
But you know what? I’d much rather be that than a sancti-mummy or a super mum. I’m much happier being real and normal and being able to laugh about it with other real and normal mums. I think being sancta-super-mum would be very lonely and isolating. No one can relate to that. I’d rather be average and have friends.
I am laughing at the pee stick.. WTF? Who actually puts that on any form of social media .. I mean .. (a little lost for words there – trying to gain my composure whilst on the toilet)… lol…
Natalie, she was DEAD SET. And it wasn’t just on social media, it was put up on a page that 17,000 people follow. She was asking 17,000 people to look at her wee stick as she sat on the loo with her knickers around her knees. I get that she was anxious and excited but, LOVE, get off the toilet, pull your undies up and take a photo of that thing on a bench if you must.
Oh, too much fun.
Thanks for the list of acronyms, I always get a bit confused… especially because there is some cross-over. E.g. Like EBF can be Exclusively Breast Fed, or Express Breast Fed. BM can be Breast Milk but can also be for Bowel Motion… I remember being completely grossed out reading one post thinking this mum was talking about poo, when in fact she was talking about breast milk…
If I’m in the need for a giggle I hop on to one of the FB mothers’ forums and just read the comments. The most hilarious ones are the ones who don’t mean to be funny 🙂
Oh yeah, I was going to add bowel movement but it didn’t fit in neatly so I left it off…. I’ve probably just sent people astray now…
And you’re right, it’s ALWAYS much funnier when they’re totally serious. Oh I love it. People take it all so damn seriously.
I’m a lurker, but I was totally the panicker at the start! One group actually scares me now’ so I lurk and never post, hoping that if I have a genuine question someone else will ask it.
Oh god, what do they do that scares you Krissy??
Lol. I know a few of these Mums and they are scary creatures. I’m not sure what category I fall under, perhaps I’m in denial about where I’m at?
Vicki, if I was to take a punt, I’d say you’re the completely real and honest mum who tells it like it is.
I’m the impatient know it all who gets frustrated at people using the forum instead of the Google search bar- you know- “what temp is considered a fever?” Or “where do I buy a bumbo?” Haha!
Bahahahaha!!! AKA: Let me google that for you….
Haha. So spot on! I’m the lurker too!
You’ll be interested to know that my local fbook mums group has banned all anti Vax/vax talk as it was getting our of control and super nasty. Anyone who goes there will be blocked!
Man! I wouldn’t last long!
Well holy shit, I wouldn’t even be allowed to join!