There’s a moment of horror when you realise your child is becoming just a little too smart. It hits you one day, out of the blue. You’ve gone through the excitement of baby finding her fingers. You’ve swooned as baby learnt to sit up. You’ve marvelled as baby played peek-a-boo. You’ve seen this small person learn things. It’s amazing to see their little brains in action.
But then, just as you start to enjoy your toddler becoming more independent and capable, you realise they’re also starting to think for themselves. It’s one thing to clap and cheer as your little one manages to put the square shape into the square hole in the shape sorter. But another to realise they’re learning how to manipulate and scheme.
A terrifying realisation starts to grip you…. this tiny person doesn’t actually need to do what you say. Like seriously. You can scream and shout and jump up and down, but they are an entirely separate person to you. They can straight-up refuse to obey you. They can hold out until you grow old and die. It’s just a matter of who gives up first.
The reality of this hadn’t really occurred to me. I mean, I knew I’d have a child with a brain and all. But I had this vision of a democracy, where I was the elected leader…. but I was so wrong.
This is anarchy.
We’re at the stage where we really need to start disciplining Thud.
Between two adults, we have NOT.ONE.CLUE.
Nothing works.
Thud finds yelling endlessly entertaining. The louder we yell, the harder he laughs.
Thud cares not for the “timeout”. At 17 months old, there’s precisely zero chance of him staying still in any one spot. We pick him up, put him down, he races away. Eventually this becomes a hugely entertaining game and his ‘punishment’ becomes a reward.
Thud is A-OK with things being taken off him. He has no attachment to anything. Toys, food, TV…. whatever we take away from him, he literally shrugs, turns around and starts entertaining himself with a power cord or a fly on the wall. If, by chance, he does get upset, he has a full-on melt down which lasts about 20 seconds, then picks himself up and finds another way to cause trouble.
Thud thinks smacking is funny. I once smacked his hand because he kept reaching for the stove. He cracked up. HILARIOUS. He started playing with every knob on the stove trying to get me to do it again. Then started hitting my hands. Because funny. So yeah, I just taught my child how to hit because it’s such an awesome game. Won’t be trying that again.
Lastly, Thud is immune to bribes and trickery.
This stings the most. What do we have if we can’t bribe the child?
Getting into the car is our latest battle. He locks his legs together and straightens his back to form a human surfboard. For a very small child, he is freakishly strong. I practically need to karate chop him in the guts to make him bend so I can do his straps up.
Last week he escaped my grasp and made it into the mystical land that is The Back Seat. He was free in the car for the first time in his life and he was loving it. He was bouncing on the seat and trying to somersault into the boot. It was a Toddler Wonderland and nothing was getting him back into his chair.
I pulled the big guns. A Scotch Finger Biscuit was produced from the handbag. I balanced it on the top of his chair.
“Come on mate, look! Biccie!”
His face lit up. A Scotch Finger is a definite step up from an Arrowroot. He knew I meant business.
But he hid his excitement well. The interest in his face died down very quickly and he fixed me with a steely gaze. I wasn’t winning that easily.
“Look buddy! Biccie for you! But you have to get into your seat first.”
He stared me straight in the eye and kept jumping on the seat.
Challenge.
“Mmm mmm! Yummy biccie!! Let’s go home and see Daddy!!!” maniacal pleading.
He stared at me with his sweet, sweet baby face and determinedly shook his head. It’s a new trick, this head shaking.
I half gasped and half laughed. It was unbearably cute but so bloody brazen.
“But bubby, it’s a Scotch Finger! You LOVE them!”
Then my tiny anarchist gave me the ultimate middle finger. He crouched down on the floor, rummaged under the seat and stood back up, proudly.
He triumphantly held a dirty old cracker in the air.
Before I could launch myself at him, he shoved it in his mouth with glee.
I have no clue how old that thing was. It could have been down there for months.
It must have tasted like arse but he happily chewed away on that crusted old thing like it was the greatest thing he’d ever tasted.
My jaw dropped at the FUCK YOU I’d just copped from my baby. He can’t speak yet, but I heard him loud and clear. “Take your Scotch Finger and SHOVE IT mum. I’m not moving and you can’t make me. Maybe if you cleaned this car once in a while you’d have a leg to stand on….”
So. So. Powerless.
Do you have any control at your house? HOW do you keep control of your tiny anarchists? Please help!
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32 comments
Ok, definitely not an expert and I am still learning from my kids on a daily basis….just when you think you’ve got it downpat, the little shits hi and change the routine again!!!! But as a mother of five boys and my eldest almost at the finish line, I am laughing hysterically at all the comments, knowing full well we have experienced pretty much EVERY scenario each of you have mentioned (and still do, even though our youngest is now 6!!!) hence why I probably have vodka, wine , beer , all of the above as my best friend over the past couple of decades!!! Yes decades….no there is no right or wrong answer here, just what works for you and your “thud”…Find their Achilles heel and use the shit out of it like there is no tomorrow!!!! Yelling doesn’t work in my house, they just look at me like I have grown another head!!!!!! But it does make “us” feel better by doing it…I find now I almost whisper to get them to move their ass!!! Smacking did work in mine, (when they were toddlers only, you cannot reason with a toddler, “now darling you really mustn’t touch the hot stove” or equally annoying “please precious, don’t pull the dogs tail!!!”), but as my grandmother told me “you have to smack them so it hurts!!” I did (I cried, they cried) and they learnt very quickly not to do that thing again!!! The one thing I have learnt over the years with boys is that they do thrive in a strictly disciplined household (especially now when they are toddlers!!!), when I did let the reigns go a little, anarchy did tend to descend!!!! Now the older boys know what is expected from them and I can happily leave them all alone in the house, while we can go out and be adults again…pub, movies or just a coffee…
It will get better eventually, just not the immediate future!!! My advice, have another baby and the focus will be off him and on the new one…hahaha
Ah ladies you’ve made me smile. I don’t think you ever have real control even when you think you do. But it does get easier. Promise. Hang in there. Saying that I just reprimanded my 24 year old for wiping her fingers on the lounge! Sigh
Oh it sounds so ridiculously hilarious & so hilariously ridiculous. I can commiserate with you. My 15 mth old is chaos & my 3yr old is a walking, talking ball of emotions. The joys…..
Oh my, it’s all coming back to me. Our darling daughter took up that move at a similar age – refusing the car seat – add a tiny baby and boy carparks were fun. It didn’t last, thank goodness. Getting them into the car can still be interesting but it has generally improved now they are 5 and 7.
They both try their best to be dictators, but I do get to wee alone these days!
Very little control over the 18 month old or the 14 year old. The 6 month old & the almost 12 year old I still have a handle on.So……Suit up soldier, you’re going into battle. It’ll last indefinitely. You’ll have moments of reprieve but otherwise it’s all out war. The only real casualty will be your sanity & once you are a parent you don’t need that any more anyway 😉
haha just plan to start the ‘get in your car seat’ routine at least an hour before you actually have to leave home…that way you stand a chance of being on time!!
My youngest (who just turned 6 mind you) is a master ruler….she even dictates what order we all put our seat belts on…hubby is never amused when he gets to experience this joy….but I say pick your battles…otherwise I would be at war all day every day!!!
Honey, I’ve got 2 words for you….. fucking fours. Buy shares in the winery now. You won’t regret it. You’ll be single handedly keeping afloat Mums across the country. Thud sounds hilariously, gorgeously divine though. Just not when you’re like trying to get shit done ha ha. Seriously he sounds like the male version of my little 2.5 year old. She will crouch down on the floor in the back seat so we can’t get to her. And when they don’t plank? They do the 60’s protest move. Go all floppy and limp so they slither out of your hands. ISN’T THIS TIME THE BEST?? x
But I’m the adult. I’m the BOSS! Why doesn’t he just do what I want him to do!!??
I’m delusional aren’t I? I’m not the boss am I? I’m the chump.
I should just give up now. If I can’t handle this, how am I going to be able to handle the fucking fours? When he can talk back and give me proper attitude?
SHIT.
It’s like you’re a fly on my wall!! Been there, done that too! My now 3.5 year old ninja in training’s fave trick is insisting that he can do his own seatbelt up. So we’ve moved on from the surfboard manoeuvre & I’m now figuring out how I can assist him to do up his seatbelt without him knowing so it doesn’t take us 45 minutes to leave the driveway…..
This is my problem…. I have things to do and places to be! I can’t spend all day trying to break my toddler’s back trying to fold him into his seat!!!
It gets better you can definately bribe a 9 year old, it’s the only way, everyone knows the game the child and you but it seems to work. I don’t really drink much as a rule, but I do recall it being wine night every night about 7 years back right when it was toddler age….
NINE YEARS OLD!!?? NIIINNNE?? So this is my life for the next 7.5 years!? Holy jesus help me….
As a teacher I go to work so kids will actually do as I ask. As a mum to a 2.5 year old son I have NOTHING. Tehre is a reason my little fella is called the Tiny Dictator. He kicks my arse EVERY.SINGLE.DAY
I have zero advice except to drink all the wine.
I’m sensing a pattern here. People keep recommending alcohol……
Zero. I have nothing. No control! Welcome to toddlerhood. I am only up to 2 and a half years. By the sounds of it, it stays this way till school… I sure someone will shatter my dreams of this too!
Oh god… that’s SOOOO long away.
Totally hear you. I have a two year old and it’s scary how smart this kid is. I ask him to do something and he actually says “whatever mum” I mean what 2 year old says that!!!! my other favourite was last week when he was eating the last mango and I said can you save mummy a piece and he says no…I said poor mummy wanted some and he says “suffer mummy”. this kid is a piece of work, way too smart for his age.. though totally makes me laugh all the time.
Holy shit that would have been impossible to keep a straight face! Suffer Mummy!!?? Where do they come up with this stuff?
“Oh love!, you have that look. You’ve given up. Haven’t you?” Said the old lady in target as my boys ran hysterically in mad circles under the clothing racks and laughing uncontrollably when I begged them to stop.
” yes ma’am . Yes I have.”
Well at least she was commiserating rather than criticising….
Hence evolution and the cuteness, otherwise they might not survive!
Mother nature is a tricky bitch isn’t she?!
Oh yes, they’re cunning alright. The good news is that they do grow out of it – in two or three years 😉 I’ve all but given up on trying to discipline Mr just 3. I’m just waiting for the day when I can bribe him. That works a treat with his big bro!
I might lose my mind in two or three years. Right now that sounds like an eternity…..
OMG hilarious!! My husband keeps giving me side eye because I’m sitting here laughing hysterically at my laptop.
Ah the joys of parenthood!!
You won’t be laughing long Missy!
Hahaha WHAT? WE CAN’T CONTROL THEM LIKE WE DREAMED OF BEFORE WE HAD CHILDREN?
I know this all too well. I have a threenager right now – sigh.
It scares me so much that it’s going to get worse. I’m not equipped for this!
You cannot keep control, all you can do is make sure your fridge is permanently stocked with wine.
Sigh…. drink!
Oh yeah. Welcome in that rocking world of toddlers. My tip is just a surviving tip. Go and hide yourself in the bathroom and cry. Forget your dreamy image of parenting. Didn t you Know? They all toddlers want us to have a breakdown. They are all little devils. Let s try to survive sister! People tell it will be better. ..after… Mmm? !
I can’t even hide in the bathroom! He finds me!!
Today I was trying to go to the toilet and he burst in, climbed up on my lap and then stood there trying to flush the toilet while I was still sitting there. That’s motherhood everyone! Trying to wee and wrestle a toddler at the same time. GLAMOUR!