No matter how I try to piece together a timeline of what happened next: it never adds up. I just can’t account for the hours that went missing…
After I pulled Thud onto my stomach, I put my hand on his tiny bottom and said, “hello baby”
I remember thinking, “he’s real!” because for 39 weeks, I’d struggled to believe the alien inside me was a real human with a face and fingers and a tiny bottom.
But what happened next is a mystery. In my head it was only minutes after he was born that I turned to Sarge and asked him to take a photo.
And yet the time stamp on the photo is TWO HOURS after Thud was born.
I’d been frozen, staring at my baby. I hadn’t even handed him over to Sarge yet. Poor bloke waited an eternity to hold his new son while I lay there, trying to form a single thought as my mind and body shut down.
It’s probably one of those clever things our bodies do when it’s in extreme distress. My brain went into power-saving mode to protect me from just how badly things had gone.
So I was blissfully unaware of the team of people trying to rebuild what his delivery had destroyed. I had no idea of the months of pain and recovery ahead.
I spent the next week in hospital trying to heal and frantically asking every midwife for every bit of advice they had.
But I didn’t have that post-birth rush of love or immediate connection that people talk about. I think I was in shock. The enormity of how my world had just changed was too much and the trauma to my body was taking centre stage.
I found you fascinating, I was in awe and couldn’t take my eyes off you. I was possessive and protective but the huge love didn’t come straight away.
But, mate, it DID come. One day, a few weeks later I realised I’d die for you. Simple as that.
I didn’t love you just because I gave birth to you.
I wasn’t tricked into loving you by a rush of hormones. I learnt to love you because I watched you, I held you, I studied you for weeks and I discovered you were the most magical thing that had ever happened to me.
Five years later and you still are.
Kind, funny, thoughtful, frightfully smart. I love you one thousand and 59.
Happy birthday my beautiful boy ❤
This post first appeared on Instagram