Tsk, kids these days. Amiright!? Arseholes…. Where did we go wrong?
I’ll tell you where, and it’s not us parents. No mum, your child isn’t a thankless little turd because he was formula fed. Your sweet daughter didn’t turn into a basic skank because you spent too much time at work. Your adorable bub didn’t morph into a twitchy gamer because you didn’t do enough crafts together.
On behalf of parents everywhere, I’m shirking the responsibility. I say NO to mummy and daddy issues. It’s got nothing to do with us.
Ladies and gents…. It’s the books. Kid’s books. From the minute we start reading to our tiny babies, we are teaching them how to be rude, ungrateful, self-centred shits.
Here are the top offenders….
Where is The Green Sheep? by Mem Fox
This inconsiderate bastard spends the whole book ignoring the calls and cries of the community. For God’s sake Sheep, everyone is looking for you. Would it kill you to make yourself known?
What are kids learning here? To sleep through life? To completely ignore their hysterical friends and family when shit is going down?
Listen up, sheep (of all colours and sizes), get out of bed and do something with your life.
Answer when someone calls you. Especially your mum. Always answer your mum.
The Very Cranky Bear by Nick Bland
Bear is pissed and everyone is trying to please him. The only one who can calm him down is the “plain and thoughtful sheep” who shaves off half her wool to make him happy.
Well hello, doormat! Is that how our girls should live? One arsehole starts throwing his weight around and you willingly disfigure yourself so he can be comfy? What a lesson.
We’re telling little impressionable sheep they need to be: hairless, skinny, nude, or willing to sacrifice their very identity just to please a bully. The Zebra, Lion and Moose didn’t have to martyr themselves for Bear. They just threw sticks and paint around. Sure, it didn’t work, but at least they kept their dignity for fuck’s sake.
And why, might I ask, are we telling Sheep she’s “plain”? She’s got some mighty fine wool if you ask me. Just because she’s low maintenance doesn’t mean she’s ugly. Can’t we just call her “the sheep next door”?
To all the little sheep out there: if a fat, hairy prick starts calling you names and demanding you strip off so you can spend time with your mates, it’s time to say goodbye. That’s not love, that’s abuse.
Dear Zoo by Rod Campbell
A kid is writing to the zoo asking for/ demanding a pet but he keeps sending the animals back because they don’t meet his impossibly high standards.
- Zoo animals are not pets. Lower your ambitions you entitled little skid mark. Mummy’s not a bitch because she refuses to let you have an elephant. Thanks ‘Dear Zoo’ for putting that idea in my kid’s head.
- Kid is seriously ungrateful. You’ve been given a monkey and you’re unsatisfied with that? Not ONE ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ in the entire book. Where are your manners you common little ingrate? I mean, shipping alone would’ve cost the Zoo a fortune.
- Don’t ask for pets if you’re not willing to take care of them. Camels are not just for Christmas. They’re for life.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
This is either a story about a bug with the munchies or an eating disorder. Either way, it’s bad.
To all the little bugs at home, I say this: do not gorge until you feel sick. There is no magic leaf or special lollypop out there that will erase that binge session and turn you into a new, beautiful creature.
Also don’t smoke weed. It’ll make you eat a whole bunch of shit and then you’ll think you can fly.
The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss
He honestly terrifies me. I swear, if the author was Stephen King you’d be shaking under your doona reading this acid trip down Nope Street.
A man-sized cat (predator), wearing human clothes, breaks into your house while you’re out and preys on your innocent children, forcing them to take part in a series of fucked-up shit. Then he brings in a crate with two evil goblins inside……
Somebody hold me.
Did anyone do a background check on Dr Seuss? Seriously, I want to see the sex offender register. Is he actively trying to give our children nightmares? How is this a kid’s book? Just because it rhymes does not make it cute. It actually makes it all the more sinister.
Don’t get me started on Yertle The Turtle, that arrogant, wannabe Hitler twat.
I’m still searching for the book about the little boy who loved his mother very much and was very respectful and always slept through the night and ate all his dinner, was a good friend to everyone and concentrated at school until he became hugely successful and bought his mum a house. Where’s that book?
What book would you add to this list??
Hop on over to The Thud on Facebook and join in the silliness with us!
46 comments
I am crying I’m laughing so hard. I’ve just shared this with half my parent friends. You are a genius writer. Thank you 🙂
Try ‘Murgatroyd’s Garden’ – a boy screams when he has his hair cut, and disturbs a whole neighbourhood, so his parents are convinced to not cut his hair. Result? Hair which gets so big and dirty that all manner of creatures and plants grown in it. Also, ‘Owl Tried to Sleep’. Poor owl lives in a tree with dozens of noisy diurnal neighbours who keep him awake all day. So just when they drop off to sleep at night, he screeches and wakes them all up…how is that helpful in teaching kids tolerance and consideration, huh?
[…] 8. Read something smart. NOT POETRY. It’s really important it does not rhyme. […]
Where the Wild Things Are definitely needs to go on the list; that kid’s a brat!
Still, the best and most inappropriate children’s book is hands down “Struwwelpeter”. Leave it to the Germans to come up a collection of seriously messed up stories to make kids behave. For example: “The Story of the Thumb-Sucker” where a mother warns her son not to suck his thumbs but when she goes out of the house he resumes his thumb sucking, until a roving tailor appears and cuts off his thumbs with giant scissors, or “The Story of the Soup-Kaspar” where Augustus, a healthy, strong boy, proclaims that he will no longer eat his soup and over the next five days he wastes away and dies. Sweet dreams kids!
https://archive.org/stream/englishstruwwelp00hoffrich#page/n33/mode/2up
OMG! Thank you for such a brilliantly written article. I cannot remember the last time I laughed and cried so hard all at the same time. I almost forgot to breathe. And here I was lying in bed in a bit of a funk on Mother’s Day and along came your article and totally reset my mood! Thanks a million for a much needed laugh xxx
Check out a book called Dr. Dog by Babette Cole. My mum bought it for my nephew in all innocence, based on the cover ….. big mistake. This book is clearly trying to teach kids hygiene etc, but in reality it will turn your kids into Howard fecking Hughes.
Remember – always wash your hands after the toilet, to avoid the parasitic intestinal WORMS that are so lovingly illustrated
Also on the Seuss theme – Horton hears a who, they think he’s effectively talking to himself so prepare to destroy his imaginary friends in front of him. Tough love!
Check out “Grunter” its a pop up book about a nasty pig called Grunter whos always angry and rude and farts alot so the other farm animals decide to blow him up on his birthday.. I shit you not.
Holy hell, I need that book!
You are brilliant! This has got to be one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time. Made me forget about taking parenting too seriously. Haha.
I’d like to add The Giving Tree. The kid in the story is one selfish jerk! The poor tree is pushover!
Yay, thanks Cristina! So glad you liked it. I’ve heard about this Giving Tree book. Kid sounds like a complete arsehole!! Need to do a part two!!
Amen to that! Hilariously written and so relatable – love your work.
Thanks Lily! I’m glad you saw the funny side. Thanks for stopping by.
Great post. I am struggling to ind books that dont contain guilt, manipulation, abuse, abandonment in them. Any suggestions?
Hahaha, nup!! You can always find a weird, dark undercurrent if you look for it 😉
Tadpoles Promise.
I was horrified sitting in story time at the library the tadpole is in love with the caterpillar and asked him to never change, however the tadpole starts to change and they argue about this and separate later as the frog is sorry about argument a butterfly comes by looking for his old friend but is eaten by the frog. The story makes it very clear who each character is.
My son also brought home a book about a pregnancy aborting which I could not read to him as I was pregnant and far to emotionally disable to read. His teacher said the book was in the school as it was needed for when this happened, but any student can borrow it.
The elephant and the bad baby -_-
Great post! It’s not a book, but I’m actually ramping up to have a shot at The Lion King. And only half facetiously at that – you ever thought about what that movie teaches kids about government? Born to rule aristos with zero qualifications, a banished underclass taken advantage of by a tyrant. That movie has some serious dark business going on just under the surface.
Good lord, I never thought of it that way. But you’re right! Very dark….
This is GOLD!! Side note: God I love Dr Suess. One of my earliest disappointments in both my children are that they are completely ambivalent towards his work. Dude is a twisted genius and my kids can’t get on board with that. Pffft. Surely not any children of mine…
Twisted genius or disturbed degenerate? Hard to tell.
[…] playing that game. Some days I feel like I am The Pyjamas of the Cat because I am THAT impressive (not the be confused with The Cat in The Hat. Shudder). Other days I worry I’m going to end up on the news in 18 years time apologising for my […]
Just discovered your site and am avidly reading your posts. I love the way children’s authors can get away with murder in their plot lines! Am always horrified by The Three Robbers and their giant axe, and Mortimer – the little boy who won’t go to sleep until his parents have to call the police (mind you, with all those kids, they kind of brought it on themselves…). Our latest favourite is Poo Bum – I love the fact that the rabbit gets eaten halfway through, and the illustration when the doctor pulls him out is priceless (1:52 in this video I found: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBZtIrUDeLw)
Ha ha, made me laugh out loud. In The Prickly Hedgehog baby hedgehog gets lost, spends the rest of the book looking for mum and collecting food for her. Does find her, but not until he’s fallen out of a tree and been attacked by a dog!
Pure gold, Lauren, pure gold! My all time favourite is Avocado Baby that teaches kids to eat nothing but avocados just so they can turn into some bully busting mini-superhero when everyone knows that eating only avocados will only make you fat, poor and give you chronic belly rot. That being said, it’s still my favourite childrens’ story of all time!
I haven’t read that one Sammie, but now I want to! Avocado is my son’s all-time favourite food. He would happily eat nothing but avo (though now I’m worried about giving him belly rot…)
It’s a must read. It’s called Avocado Baby by John Burningham. Avtastic- an oldie but a goodie!
Rod Campbell has a Christmas version of Dear Zoo, called Dear Santa. Santa brings the kid a freaking cat for Christmas. No kid of mine better expect a freaking feline under the tree on Christmas morn.
I am very anti pets on christmas morning. It never ends well….
haha he wrote Yertle the Turtle about Hitler. That Dr Seuss had a wicked sense of humour
Really Stacey!? That makes SO much more sense now!
Sleeping Beauty is my 3 year old favourite book and I can’t wait until she is old enough to watch Maleficent, the movie. I always admired this evil fairy because she tried to stop the princess from marrying a man at 16. Can’t a girl have fun with her life size girl-friends (certainly not fairies), go shopping, drink coffee and gossip!
That’s true Astrid, maybe there’s something good about her after all!
We have all of these books. I will never be able to read them the same way again 😉
Hahaha, that makes me happy 🙂
Fkn loved it! I’m an avid book reader to my boys and often wondered who the hell is in charge. Like Snow White, so it’s ok for the nasty jealous Queen to request Snow White to be killed just because she is pretty?!! That shit is wrong. And Cat In The Hat, what mother leaves her kids home the entire day ALONE?!! I think Mumma Mias Rosie is doing kids book reviews soon.
Awesome review Lauren xx
You’re so right. I never thought about that with Snow White, but that’s truly fucked up! I didn’t know about Mamamia’s Rosie. I’ll have to check it out!
I was given some advise before I had my son that you should read all children’s books by your self before reading them to your child. I was blissfully unaware of the terrible messages that come with some books. The mummy shop- a book where you can trade in your mum for not letting you jump on the lounge. Ok the book has a sweet ending but I was somewhat horrified at the time of reading this because I was hoping my son wouldn’t think he could trade me in as I had sat him down to read some books to distract him from jumping on the lounge. Ants in your pants- the aardvark wasn’t invited to the party because he wasn’t cool enough. The ants were also not invited so they decided to play a party trick on the guests and bite their bottoms. What happens for playing this game of revenge (another good lesson) eaten alive!!!! Not invited back next year but the aardvark does get invited because he just ate (murdered) everyone.
That’s hideous Jemma! Who comes up with this stuff!?
OMG laughed till I cried reading this. Perfect read for after school pick up when the entire house is going to hell in a handbag.
My favourite kids book Go the F#$k to Sleep – keeping it real!
Did you know they’re doing a sequel to Go The Fuck To Sleep!? It’s called “You Have To Fucking Eat” I can’t wait!
Noni’s reading of it is wonderful – sounds just like Playschool used to sound like – The sequel should be pretty good too – could have used it when my daughter was little – come to think of it, could often still use it – she’s still a lousy eater!
Bahahahahahaha *breathe* hahahahahaha! Fucking love it!! And so true. Holy shit, no wonder I’m always booked out with child clients all day. Actually…. maybe I should be secretly funding these books to keep myself employed….. shit….
Haha! I can just imagine a pre-schooler sitting down to talk to you about the nightmares they’ve been having about Cat in the Hat. Seriously, that Cat has got to be on the sex offenders register somewhere…
Cat in the hat has always been the Dr Suess I don’t like. I used to find them all a bit creepy. Then I sat and read them , loved his humour and sweet messages but still find it a bit psyche overload. Cat in the hat is creepy though and the film is horrific.
You’re so funny. this post is brilliant.
Thank you lovely! You have to laugh at some of this kids stuff or you’d go crazy 😉