My mum was talking about a little girl we know, saying her parents must be wonderful because she’s so sweet.
“The proof is in the second child, mum”, I said. “The first can be a total fluke.”
You can’t tell someone’s parental skills based on their first child. Maybe they just happened to get one of those good ones. That happens, you know.
This works both ways btw: if you have one child and that child is a total arsehole, don’t be discouraged! It might not be your fault at all! That child could just be a legit arsehole. They happen just as often as the good ones.
The only way to really tell if it’s your fault – is to have a second child.
Yes my friends, that IS a big gamble to take.
There’s always a chance that you are, in fact, really fucking useless and then you’ll be stuck with not one, but two tiny dickheads, and no apparent skills with which to raise them.
BUT, I’d put my money on getting a better child next time. At least in one of the three key areas of child shitness: fussy eaters/sleep avoiders/ crappy attitude. You never get two kids in a row who won’t eat. Or sleep. Or throw tantrums because your hair is in a ponytail today. *please note, this is absolutely untrue. There’s a good chance you’ll get two non-sleepers in a row. I’m just trying to make you feel better and make sure the human race continues to reproduce.
Of course, here’s the catch: the same can be said in reverse.
If your first kid is a good one, odds are the second one will be your arsehole.
The arsehole second kid comes along to kick shit right back up that ring hole you think the sun shines out of. These second children have been sent, special order, just to let you know you’re nowhere near as good as you think you are.
Mother Nature hates smug bitches and she WILL bring you down a peg or two, or forty. This is also extremely entertaining and satisfying for all your friends and family who’ve stood by and watched you raise your perfect child with zero effort. They might love you and all, but they’ve absolutely been waiting for this day.
But wait! What if you have TWO great kids? Maybe you ARE the most amazing mother ever to walk the earth. You should definitely have a third!
What a cockheaded, egotistical thing to do. You can’t get away with it twice. No ma’am.
If you’ve used up all your juju on your first two kids, there’s no chance you win a third time over. No one ever gets three out of three perfect siblings. I’ve yet to find any evidence that this is even a possibility.
You won’t just get an arsehole child this time, you will birth a demon spawn so terrifying you’ll no longer understand society, human nature, space or time. This child is the payback for every smarmy, self-satisfied thing you’ve ever uttered about yourself.
Of course you could have a delightful third and be pleasantly surprised! But probably not.
#ivealreadygotmyarseholechild #soifihadathirdtheywouldbeperfect #thatshowitworks #imsureofit
You can follow The Thud on Instagram @TheLaurenDubois