This is Lauren, pre-kids. So fun, so whimsical, and oh what a FLOG she was.
I mean, she was lots of fun to be around. But the twat factor was high. SO VERY HIGH.
Because I had opinions about parenting. I knew exactly what sort of mother I’d be and how my children would behave.
I’d watch other mothers and internally sigh at their paltry attempts to control their feral children. They barely even tried.
They’d just give up and laugh like their rabid spawn was cute, ‘Heck, whaddya gonna do, love?’
Um, put your damn foot down and MAKE them behave, Tina. It’s not that hard!
My children would behave perfectly because I’d *teach* them how. Duh.
They’d never have their face stuck in an iPad. They’d play outside all day, immersed in nature.
They’d eat a wide variety of healthy foods because that’s all I’d offer, they’d NEVER see the inside of a fast food chain.
My kids would always have brushed hair. They’d be clean and wear gorgeous clothes. I’d never allow that tacky cartoon character merchandise, looking like an ambush of commercialism and poor taste.
They’d sleep because of my bulletproof routine and they’d nap right in the middle of the living room, amongst the hustle of family life because babies learn to go with the flow. They’d be happy, content and calm – because *I’d* be calm.
That’s all it takes, Tina. If YOU are calm, your BABY will be calm. They feed off your energy. It’s not rocket science, you pulsing vein of neuroses and misery.
Yep… I was one “have you tried…” away from giving actual parenting advice to people with kids. Fucking expert, I was.
Not that I’d ever tell a mum-to-be *not* to make plans. I fully encourage those plans. In fact, I’d LOVE to hear all about them! Let me write them down for you. It’ll be so fun to read them out when your child is 3 or 4.
It’s great to have a vision, you know? I hope it all works out as well as mine did.
#goodluck #spoileralert#myplansdidnotworkout #fuckingcartoonclothes #theyeatnothing #theydontsleep #icannotcontrolthem #ithoughtitwassoeasy