I was feeling a bit smug about my plan to tell my son a big secret. I’m normally more of a blurt-it-out type, but lately I’ve been channeling a much more mindful and profound parent than I really am.
In a moment of inspiration, I’d decided to take my baby boy to look at baby animals so I could tell him his mummy is having another baby. Miracle of life and procreation themes etc.
That’s right ladies and gents, despite being far less talented at parenting than I always assumed I’d be, I’m giving it another go. I figure I’m not screwing this one up too badly and I might be even better second time around, but mostly I think it’s only fair to give Thud a sibling so he has someone to complain to about his mother. Share the burden, so to speak.
We set off for Tatum Hills Farm, just outside of Canberra, in search of baby animals and heartfelt moments #poignant
When I pictured our special moment, we were sitting in a field of flowers; my boy snuggled in my lap as we watched spring lambs frolic in the sun. My little babe would gaze lovingly at my face as I told him he was going to be a big brother.
In reality the moment was with a hugely pregnant nanny goat and a hugely disinterested two-year-old.
Firstly, two-year-olds are not as tame as farm animals. Trying to get his attention and stop him running off with the rooster was like trying to put an octopus into a string bag. While bull riding in a bikini.
Even the ducks were looking at me like, “oh my god, can she not control her child?”
JUST WORRY ABOUT YOURSELVES, DUCKS. I’M TRYING.
The sun was shining,
The sky was blue.
Toddlers are maniacs,
Where’s the wine?
Wait, that doesn’t rhyme. And I’m pregnant so I can’t drink. Shit.
Thud dominated that farm. My husband and I protected some sheep, we shielded some bunnies, we apologised to some chickens and managed to have one tender moment with a hamster. Or was it a guinea pig? What’s the difference again? Who knows?
And then we found The Goat. This poor old Nanny was dragging her pregnant belly around like she was ready to murder the next Billy that looked her way. I empathised with her. I remember that stage. Where you feel like you’d be willing to eat a whole chilli, while hiking a mountain, drinking castor oil from a shoe in an effort to get that baby out. Where every step feels like your vagina might fall out and you wouldn’t really mind if it did. Poor old lady was over it, I could see it in her face.
Her huge brown eyes looked painfully into mine. We slow-blinked in a moment of solidarity.
“I’m sorry old girl,” my eyes said. “I’ve been where you’ve been. I’ll be there again pretty soon. I feel you.”
“Get these BLOODY KIDS out of me!” her eyes screamed back at me.
I didn’t want to subject her to any more scrutiny than a tremendously pregnant woman wants, but it was the perfect opportunity to talk babies.
I squatted in the dust and dragged my toddler over to my side.
“Can you see her tummy?” I asked him quietly so she wouldn’t think I was making fun of her.
“She has some babies in there!” I said excitedly, in the way parents hope will rub off on their kids’ total indifference.
He tried to get away from me so he could get back to chasing the chickens. I tightened my grip around his little waist.
“She’s going to have some little babies mate!”
He did his dying fish backflip manoeuver and then folded in half over my arm so it looked like I was trying to abduct him.
This was not going well. The wonderment and gratitude came hissing through my teeth.
“BEAUTIFUL BABIEEEES”
I swear Nanny rolled her eyes at me. Bitch.
“Guess what Buddy?” I said in a way that did not sound nearly as sweet and comforting as it was supposed to.
“Mummy’s having a baby too!”
“MORE!” He suddenly screamed. “More more more more!”
More? More what? More goats? More food? More equality for women in the workforce?
People were staring. The goat looked even more pissed off.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered to the farmer standing close by. “We think he’s possessed.”
He broke free and took off. I eventually caught him and hoisted him up by one arm, dragging him back to the car in desperation and shame.
This will be a cute story one day, I told myself. I’ll laugh at how unsuccessful it all was and gently chide myself for being so naïve that I thought I could have a profound conversation with a two-year-old surrounded by farm animals that reek of shit.
I didn’t give Thud the special memory I’d hoped, but I did give him rich ‘life experience’ that he can bitch about with his little brother or sister in 15 years time.
This post originally appeared on Kidspot as part of the Voices of 2015 competition.
Do you follow The Thud on Facebook? You totally should! It’s fun over there. Promise.
56 comments
I wish this was still my life! I really, really do – because with a house of pre-teens/teens I am now preparing myself for keeping them from getting themselves ‘with baby’ – the birds and the bees stage TWO. Gorgeous to meet you at Pro Blogger – xxxx
Lauren you are such a laugh! Loved this and just imagine the look of abduction, when really you are just trying to get a 2 year old to sit still for a moment. Big congrats xx
Love it! The fish backflip… is there anything more hilariously frustrating in the world? He will come to love this story in years to come. The goat, not so much. So very excited for you sweets! The baby animal plan sounded so good in theory ha ha! 😛 xx
I love this blog so hard. Absolutely cracked up. What a winner!
Oh lord. Someone should write a blog full of perfectly planned and rehearsed moments with toddlers that actually went well. Oh wait, that would be really boring. I much prefer your version! Now I dare you to go back to the farm when you’re 8 months pregnant and try to chase Thud around then 😉 Oh, and congratulations again xxx
It actually makes me feel so much better to hear I’m not the only idiot who tries to have special moments, only to be bitterly disappointed when it all fails spectacularly 😉
Did you note the other small child in overalls and a hat the same as Thud’s at the farm?? In the pic with you crouching down. A farm uniform. Ha!
P.S. I think he was after the equality for women.
Ha, now I’ve noticed! Who can resist the tiny farmer outfit?
If only he smiled at you before he backflipped away and it would have all been hunky-dory. You will look back and laugh at this.
I’m kind of laughing already. At myself for being so stupid 😉
What a funny lovely story. Congrats on the baby – it will be great for the Thud to have a sister. I’m sorry we didn’t connect at Problogger, so many people it was hard to find everyone. You did a great job up on stage with Heather and Mrs Woog – I reckon you matched her in the humour stakes and she is pretty darn funny.
Oh thanks Kathy! I wish I’d caught up with you. It was a bit crazy wasn’t it? But so much fun. I’m already looking forward to next year!
I love your description of the heavily pregnant goat and you and the castor oil. I ate an entire paw paw and walked up and down hills for hours trying to coerce my fourth son out. All it did was give me a migraine.
What a sweet way to let your little boy know 🙂
Oh paw paw is a new one! Hadn’t heard of that before. I tried the walking and all it did was cripple me with hip pain.
And now a memory forever written! I empathise with you, and have also made a mental note to self – avoid farm animals when sharing news of sibling with toddler. Actually, I also made a mental note to self to avoid farm animals with a toddler full stop.
Beautiful photos at least 🙂
Yep, if you want to protect the innocent animals, it’s kinder to keep the toddlers away 😉
Congratulations Lauren!
I’ve done the 2-year-old at a farm thing. I didn’t laugh then, but I’m cracking up now, sorry love.
Yep, you’ll laugh about this one day. One day……….
Why do we do it to ourselves Lisa? It’s like we think they’ll suddenly behave differently in public. I never learn…
I’m excited that you’re having a girl! It didn’t matter what the sex of your baby was going to be but being a mum to girls myself, I’m excited when others experience getting the pigeon pair or lots of girls like me! Totally loved this post. It’s a shame that farms smell so bad. It’s always a fun outing providing your kids don’t pick up the crap!
Oh Bec, I spent a lot of time yelling “no!” because of his fascination with the crap. Gross child.
And I’m excited to have a little girl too. Thud is SUCH a boy so it will be fun to experience something a bit different 🙂 xxx
First of all, congratulations! That is wonderful news.
Secondly, in hindsight I think you will prefer this story. So probably, will he. 🙂
Hahaha, well it’s certainly true to form Jess. I shouldn’t have been surprised.
Ahh well. Rest assured Thud wouldn’t have remembered it anyway. I have beautiful photos of the moment my eldest met his little brother. ‘Do you remember that?’ I ask him, showing him the photos. ‘Nup.’ *sigh*
Sigh indeed Ellen
The Thud in overalls! Too cute and very farm appropriate. You really were going all out for that moment 😉
Seriously adorable, right, Claire? I had it all so perfect in my head…
If nothing else, you sure tried!!
Tried so hard Vanessa. I get points for trying, surely.
Remember, you still have to write the post from the Goat’s point of view ;).
I feel like it would be a very angry post Kelly….
I’m cool with that 😉
Haha classic. Kids always want to ruin our perfectly imagined ‘moment’s’ don’t they? So rude!
Really unkind Becky. All he had to do was smile and say ‘yay’…
I have not laughed like this in a long time! Thank you! LOL – so many times I had hoped for picture book/movie type scenarios with my kids but it rarely turns out the way we envisage! Still laughing … 😉 !!
Do I give up on the picture book scenarios now then Min?
I also thought being pregnant was the perfect time to explain the birds and the bees to my eldest when he asked how the baby got in there. I started explaining how the egg is in Mummy’s tummy & the sperm is made in Daddy’s testicles & Master 6 looked at me triumphantly and said “I know what happened! Dad stuffed his balls in your vagina!”
OMG! BAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!
Wow Natelle. Close mate, but no. That sounds uncomfortable.
Bahaha! Damn those kids and they’re totally disinterest in our poignant love declarations and sharings of wisdom. Perhaps if you’d promised him food at the end of your little speech he might have paid attention, that’s what I’ve often resorted to. ‘Listen to me for a biscuit…’ Sigh.
That’s what I got wrong Zoe! I totally forgot to bribe him. I’m an idiot…
Lauren, I am not a mummy and I am technically not a blogger any more but ever since Mrs Woog told me to check out your blog a few months ago I have been a devoted reader.
Also I have just discovered how much my chair at work squeaks when I shake with laughter. Not cool.
Well hi Tracey and welcome! And yes, I always try to do everything Mrs Woog tells me to do. She knows best 😉 xx
Why oh why do kids insist on being kids and stuffing up our perfectly rehearsed moments of memorydom? So cheeky! Love this post. x #teamIBOT
I’m just glad it wasn’t being filmed for prosperity Em.
Hahaha love it.
I’m glad you enjoyed it Kez. I certainly didn’t! 😉
Kids are notoriously unappreciative of our efforts at creating memories and profound moments. It’s entirely wasted on them for the first ten years, I reckon.
Yep, probably my own fault. I’ll keep trying. And keep being disappointed.
Lol. Kids always fuck up these beautiful landmark moments that’s we’ve played out in our heads! Congratulations. There will be more lovely times ahead as Thud takes up his role as big brother (and others a little more like this one too) xx
Why didn’t he just play along so I could feel like a brilliant mother? Just ONCE??
Ah, yes you will remember this one. How cute!
Hopefully he won’t remember 😉
Congratulations Lauren. Well done. I hope all goes well.
Thanks Gary xx
I always used being pregnant to tell the kids how babies were made (regardless of age) so when the eldest was officially ‘sex ed class’ age, I started to talk to him before the classes began and he rolled his eyes and said “I know, you’ve told me before. Why do you want to talk about sex all the time?” Apparently I’m a perv…
Hahaha… just stop talking about sex mum please!!!