Things they don’t tell you about parenthood no. 362: the athleticism required.
If you’re the kind of person who really likes to kick back and not move, you might find parenthood a bit of a shock. Because you can’t half arse this shit. It’s Aerobics Mum Style from day one. Here’s the timetable:
FLEXIBILITY. Exhibit A. My children now share a room and they cannot fall asleep without me touching them. I don’t have to rock or pat anymore but I must be touching. Their beds are on opposite sides of the room. So that’s fun. You’ll also get a workout in the car, trying to reach dropped water bottles from the driver’s seat. Also the many hours you have to sit on the floor to play stupid trains.
CORE. This includes the contortions you’ll perform trying to put your sleeping baby down in her cot without waking her. You’ll also be familiar with the ninja drop and roll, accompanied by the commando crawl. Once you reach a higher level in your core strength you’ll find you can almost levitate as you attempt to leave your child’s room without making a sound. You’re basically Spider-Man. You can climb up walls if need be.
WEIGHTS. You go from carrying a purse and a phone to carrying a portable nursery with you everywhere you go. You could set up a campsite with the shit you now carry. You might only have two children but you seem to have 26 litres of water in your bag at any given moment. Frequently you will be lugging 72 bags as well as multiple children in your arms. This is the reason you are shrinking btw. Your bones are compressing from the sheer weight of the garbage you carry every day.
CARDIO. Every afternoon at 4pm you will commence a three hour non-stop HIIT circuit. You will not break until your children are in bed. It will involve: lifting children, running after children, picking up after children and the most intense station of all: putting pyjamas on children. It’s a punish.
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