My child is the master of delaying sleep. He’s written the book on it. He knows all the tricks.
But I’m wise to his game. This is my reply to his sleep delay manifesto:
My darling Thud,
I see you in your jammies and you smell like heaven. I could cuddle you all day. In fact, let’s do that tomorrow instead of you just running away from me all day. Let’s just cuddle, ok?
But now it is night-time and mummy is tired.
Please go to sleep.
I’ve read you five books and I think that’s about enough education for today. You seem developmentally on target. I mean, what do I pay all that money to day care for if it isn’t to provide you with the sound, educational experience that I don’t have the skills to do myself? They seem to be doing a bang-up job, so I’m not feeling particularly guilty about this one.
Just go to sleep now, ok?
You have your bear. You’ve had your bottle. Your water is next to your bed.
You’re tucked in nice and snug with your favourite blankie, the room is exactly 21 degrees and your pyjamas have been de-tagged so absolutely nothing is scratching you, so don’t even try that one.
Your Sleepmaker mattress is more comfortable than mine and it’s about time you showed some gratitude for the fact that we bought you a really good one and not some piece of foam from the Salvos. Which we probably could have done, given how much time you actually spend in your bed.
If you’re really not going to go to sleep, can I just have a lie down? I’M SO TIRED.
No you absolutely cannot go to sleep in your gumboots. That’s ridiculous. Oh, okay, fine, have them, I don’t care anymore.
But now GO TO SLEEP.
I’ve checked your temperature and you’re fine. I don’t believe your ear is sore. Your hair is not sore either. I’ve kissed your ‘broken’ finger so it has now magically healed. I can confirm you are in perfect health. No, I’m not a doctor, don’t be a smart arse. I’M YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO.
For God’s sake, it’s time for bed.
Yes your singing voice is really cute but I REALLY don’t want to hear it right now. The wheels on the bus have stopped moving and all the row boats have docked for the night. This is not the Entertainment Centre, it’s your bedroom. Let’s save the performances, ok?
If you don’t go to sleep I’m going to cry. Do you want me to cry? You do? Why do you want me to cry? That’s actually really hurtful.
No I’m not going to rub your back or stroke your hair. I know your tricks little buddy. It won’t work and I’ll end up with a cramp. It’s time you learnt to sleep by yourself. I need to be strong on this.
But I feel myself crumbling… I’m weak. I can’t deny you’ve got skills my friend. You are a worthy opponent. I’ve been in this room forever. I don’t remember a time I wasn’t in here. I feel the vitamin D leaching out of my blood stream, it’s been so long since I saw the sun.
I don’t even know the time. It could be midnight for all I know. That’s how long we’ve been here. I’ve missed everything good on TV. We could have a new Prime Minister by now for all I know.
I’ll give you a million dollars to go to sleep. What do you want from me? How is it possible you’re not tired?
I give up.
You go downstairs and watch TV. I’m going to lie down and have a little sleep.
Good night.
This post was sponsored by Sleepmaker and the new Comfort Selector which helps you select your perfect mattress online. While it’s a really helpful tool, I can not guarantee it will get your child to sleep. Soz.
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I have been begging my husband to spend some good money on a mattress for the Tank. He’s finally caved. Now if I can just convince him that our future second baby (not pregnant) needs a new cot mattress too we’ll be golden.
I had this silly idea that once babies get past 6 months all of this stuff should be LIKE WAY EASIER. Totally – (Insert valley girl here). But it’s still hard, hard, hard. And now that my son knows how to get out of the cot the shitty-ness of the whole thing just went up a level. I found myself in his room last night quickly trying to figure out a way to put layer #4 of material over this window to block out every little bit of light possible (that’s 2 sets of curtains, a block- out blind and a duvet cover). The fecking sun is in cahoots with him in the morning. They gang up on us and come running into our room with their sunbeams bursting and loud voices shrilling. AHHH! Go the feck to sleep thud and tank!!
Oh, how I hear you. One night as I lay there staring into the darkness as Madam tossed and turned and sung and flacked her arms around and head-butted me, I tried to calculate how much of my life had been sucked into this vortex of getting-to-sleepness. I can’t remember the outcome, but it made me weep a little. I can also count on more than one hand the number of times I’ve fallen asleep before she has and woken up at 2am – in my jeans, top and BRA.
My son lulled me into a false sense of security. He was a perfect sleeper for the first 18 or so months. He slept through the night at 8 weeks, was having two day sleeps etc. Clearly he was just banking his sleep so that he could dodge all sleep for the next 3 years. He still has off days now and I think damn how did I deal with this on a regular basis. Fingers crossed that Thud learns to love sleep soon xx
Hearing you, number 1 was a nightmare sleeper for 3 1/2 years and just about broke me. Number 2 was much better thank goodness but I was still too scared to try for a third!
I’m laughing but shouldn’t be because, hello! Reality! Except in my story I have a crying baby going as well. Oh the fun! But Thud is so going to have this all down packed by the time his sister arrives. Shall we start praying?
Oh God! I remember those days. My first was a terrible sleeper and we used to sit up and watch the weather channel into the wee hours 🙂
kids are so sneaky, they know which buttons get us going. So don’t give up! My little guy is 5 now and sleep time is much easier than when was younger. x
SO sneaky Steph. Like little masterminds.
Sleep? What is this magical thing you speak of? Oh that’s right, you’ve not been experiencing it either. Gah! I am feeling you sista. The shit we went through with Miss DP was out of sight. Having to stand at her doorway for up to an hour and if we dare moved one toe 0.235cm away from the door she would howl and howl and howl. I’d feed Miss SP while sitting in Miss DP’s doorway so she’d go the fuck to sleep. She’s ok now… at 5.5 years….. and Miss SP is now taking over the title. So I’m trying to give you some hope sweets… and then dashing it all in one foul swoop with the emergence of SCS (second child syndrome. IT’S REAL). No seriously, your little lady is going to be a perfectly gorgeous cherub, I’m sure of it. xx
SASHA! You are not permitted to tell me things like this. Ohhhh but I know it’s true. I’ve just accepted that I’ll be doing this dance for years to come. THIS IS MY LIFE AND I ACCEPT IT. Waaahhh!
Meanwhile, I’m sure you are FAR more sleep deprived than I am right now. Hope it’s all going ok xxxx
Being desperate to finally close my eyes each and every night, I will simply never understand this sleep resistance. And I don’t want to be dramatic and frighten you unnecessarily, but it goes on and on and on FOREVER.
NOOOOOOO!!!!! Don’t say that Angie!!!!!
I reluctantly stopped the day sleeps with my boys when getting them to sleep at night started stretching out. The downside was no day sleep. The upside was that they were in bed and straight to sleep, often before 7pm. It’s all swings and roundabouts. xx
We are totally at that point right now Ellen. I’m starting to think we need to stop the day sleeps but I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
My first lulled us into a false sense of security. My second wakes 3 – 4 times a night and we joke that if he was our first baby, we would have never had a second.
It’s kind of a miracle (or stupidity) that we’ve decided to go for number two… I keep telling myself the second one will be better. It’s karma, surely.
I never had this problem with my eldest. My youngest? Different story. That said, it took three nights of hardcore refusal to settle him for him to start putting himself to sleep and remaining so. THEY WERE AWFUL, though. The only reason I stuck with it was that my arm was in a sling. Literally couldn’t lift him up for a cuddle. x
I’ve never had the willpower to do that Emily. So I guess it’s all partly my fault. I’m a sucker and I give in and go for the cuddles and the pats and the song and dance routine because I can’t let him cry. I’m a big wuss.
Both of my girls were a little tricky to get off to sleep, my oldest have up her day sleep before she turned 1 and would stay up until 3am if I let her. All sorts of tricks were tried including laying down with them and cuddling(more like pinning) them in bed while I would pretend to sleep, yes the occasional snore had to be thrown in there too!
Then
I discovered the Dr Suess Sleep Book – omg it’s like a magic potion! The first page starts out with one little yawn… (And yes you have to pretend to yawn…) I don’t think my girls have ever lasted the entire story awake!
I hope you find your magic trick soon!
I’M BUYING THAT BOOK.
“You go downstairs and watch TV. I’m going to lie down and have a little sleep.” BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! You can’t see it, but I’m totally fist-bumping you right now. GO TO SLEEP!
I honestly have nights where I think “stuff it, just stay awake. Who cares anymore? Life has no meaning. I have no purpose in life. You are sucking my will to LIVE”
hmm this is sounding strangely familiar… my little girl has never been a good sleeper, shes almost 1 now and thinks napping is for newborns… sigh… hope your next one is a sleeper!
Oh Lu, they like to torture us don’t they? My son was the WORST with napping and would sleep in 15minute blocks. Occasionally…. Then gradually he started to get the hang of it and now he’s THE BEST! He’d sleep for a full three hours in the middle of the day if I let him. It’s so amazing. Nights are a whole different story. He’s just never been keen. He only started sleeping through when he was about 15months old. Even now it will still take about 30-60min to get him to actually fall asleep. It’s crazy. I better get a sleeper for the next one or I’ll lose my mind. Hope your little girl gets the hang of it soon!! xx
Urgh. I remember being 8 months pregnant and so exhausted that I burst into tears at my 2yo’s bedside, begging him to go to sleep so that mummy could too! It worked a treat 😉
Oh and thanks for linking with #TeamIBOT 🙂
Oh I’ve cried before Rebecca. In fact I think it was only a couple of weeks ago. Just pure exasperation. I mean, if they’re not tired you can’t force them to sleep can you? I just wish sometimes I could give him some of my tiredness. Share the load 😉
Heaven help us if we ever lose our toddler’s sleep toy…
DISASTER! I’ve seen a mother in tears at the shops trying to find a lost teddy. I totally understood her terror.
I am not looking forward to the day when Leni realised she is getting ripped off in the bedtime department. She just goes to bed, cuddle, dummy in, lights out. Ari…way too much effort and I see no end.
Don’t you dare, Leni!! Keep being that perfect little girl. She gives me hope for my number 2. I NEED to believe that the second child is the easy one. Ari and Thud can continue their shenanigans as long as their little sisters are the perfect children.
Haha – this brings back many, many memories! I had twin boys both with gastric reflux and when they were two and still keeping me up at night, I had another baby (a girl)! I thought I would never again sleep through the night in my life time again! I can tell you that you do get to sleep through the night again. My *baby* is now 20 and apart from often keeping me up late at night (coz I can’t sleep until she gets home from her outings) she no longer climbs into bed with me in the early hours or requires pats on the bottom to send her off to sleep! 😉 x
Thank you Min. That gives me hope. This too will pass…. 😉
Oh man, these boys!! My 2 yo Stuntman currently has to have 17 of his favourite toys positioned precisely in his cot before he’ll lay down. Sadly (for me) the selection of toys changes each night so I spend an hour running around the house trying to find the right ones.
“Noooooooo! Not THAT George! Want TINY George!!!”
Hahahaha…. And I can see you making sure everything is perfect for him so he’ll just go the hell to sleep!!
Haha. Laughing with you Lauren!
Just don’t start back scratching… 6 years later we are still having to do it every freakin night! Xx
Shannon we are back patters here and I’m so worried I’ll be patting his back when he’s 20. What have I done to myself!?!? Argh!
Lol I guarantee that it will be the reverse in his teen years….you won’t be able to get him out of bed!! Speaking as an experienced teen on that on hehe!!
Oh lord I can’t wait for that!!!!