(Yes there will be swearing ahead in this tongue-in-cheek post. If that’s going to upset you, JOG ON, SUSAN)
A gorgeous Mum sent me a message recently, telling me an older lady at a pub bistro had very rudely told her to take her children home and discipline them because they were making noise (at 5.30pm, in an uncrowded bistro, while they ate sausage sangers – this was not fine dining). Old duck told this mum that *her* children had NEVER had tantrums when they were young.
I suggested some smack downs for the next time this happened and thought I’d share them with you too. Most can be applied to any situation where a delightful bystander (judgemental fuckwit) comments on your parenting abilities:
1. No please, tell me more about how fan-fucking-tastic you are. I’m so eager to learn.
2. I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over my kids’ screams, it sounded like you said your kids never had a tantrum but that’d be utter bullshit so I must have misheard.
3. Shit, you are UGLY.
Oh you’re offended? Soz, I thought we were doing this thing where we say wildly inappropriate things to each other. My bad.
4. Thanks so much for your suggestion but we prefer to let our children free-range tantrum in public because we don’t want to bring that negative energy into our home. You understand.
5. How about you go home and take a bath? You smell old.
6. Have you spoken to your doctor about your memory loss? It could be serious. Because your children 100% had tantrums, dear. Unless of course they’re dolls you treat like real children. Because you look like one of those women.
7. Excuse me, this is not a tantrum, how rude. This is a performance piece we’ve been working on for a year now and he is NAILING IT.
8. How about you go home and take a good hard look in the mirror and try to determine the exact moment you became a miserable old bitch who thinks it’s her place to make other people feel shit. And then just stay there because no one cares what you have to say.
9. You’re so right, I’m a terrible mother. I can’t cope with my children doing age appropriate things. It’s such a source of shame for me. Here you go, they’re yours now. You’d clearly do a better job. Tell them I love them. Goodbye.
10. How about you eat a bag of dicks?
So there you go, hope that helps. My pro tip: most effective when said with your best bitch face (as demonstrated above)
Do you have one to add?
#fuckwitsmackdownsbyLauren #tryonetoday #satisfactionguaranteed
This post first appeared on Instagram
