My son is about to see in his FOURTH Prime Minister in his two short years of life. He was born when Julia Gillard held the top job. She was ousted by Kevin Rudd, when he was just a few weeks old. A couple of months later Tony Abbott won the 2013 election and now Abbott’s been overthrown by Malcolm Turnbull.
Following me? No? Don’t worry, that’s Australian politics, ladies and gentlemen. Think of all that wasted letterhead paper….
So what happened? Did you miss something? Easy to do. Things move fast in Canberra.
4pm, Monday September 14
Malcolm Turnbull confirms he’s going to challenge for the Liberal Leadership. SPILL SPILL SPILL! (Read here for a bit of background into what a spill is)
Over the next couple of hours, there’s a lot of confusion as to when the challenge will go down (it’s usually a day or two later to give time to rustle up some support), but just after 6pm, Tony Abbott goes all “come at me bro! Let’s do this TONIGHT”. THROW DOWN! None of this messing around trying to win people’s favour type shit for Abbott. He’s running at this thing with his head down, ears out. Confidence? Idiocy? Who knows… 😉
He’s only given himself three hours to drum up support. You see, as soon as a spill is called the contenders get on the actual phone and call people. Proper, old-school, punching in the numbers and speaking to humans with voices and begging for votes.
So imagine Tones and Mal, in their offices, with their best mates all on their phones, frantically trying to get through to everyone and anyone who could throw a vote their way. You know that scene in Jerry Maguire where they’re trying to lock in the athletes? SHOW ME THE MONNNEEEEYYY!
Then they’ve got a mate who’s sitting there with his exercise book, writing down names and doing his little tally and shouting numbers at people. “Yep, we’ve got that one, and him too! Looking good Tones! Everyone LOVES YOU!”
Of course, this is politics and everyone lies through their teeth, so when Tony Abbott walked into that Party Room last night, with about 30 members of his posse, he might have thought he was in with a shot.
Oh Tones 🙁
It wasn’t to be for Old Mate. He got in that room and told his party why he was awesome and why they shouldn’t throw him out like a bag of old lettuce. He asked them not to “be like Labor” because those guys were shit. “Remember guys? Remember how shit we thought they were? Because they kept chopping and changing? REMEMBER? Please don’t throw me out guyyys. I’ll be your best friend!”
And then Malcolm got up and was all “dude, the economy is shithouse, you’re a bit of a numpty and the public doesn’t like you because, you know, THIRTY polls in a row tell us so” and then he smiled with his shiny white teeth and said something charismatic about how he’s just generally better and everyone knows it.
The party agreed with Mal – 54 to 44 – they voted for Turnbull to take over the leadership of the party and therefore take over the leadership of Australia.
And like that, Tony Abbott was out of a job. The 28th Prime Minister. The man who wore a blue tie every single day he ran this country. The man who…. well…. didn’t do much else to be honest.
There’s a lot that can be said about Tony Abbott. But most of all I think the man never moved on from being the Opposition Leader. He was an excellent Opposition Leader. One of the best. He could oppose ANYTHING. He could ridicule and belittle and destroy every little thing the Government put forward. He was a master at making the Government look incompetent.
But he didn’t know how to stop opposing and start leading. He never figured out how to inspire and progress and LEAD. Even in his final moments, he was still beating on Labor, saying he didn’t want a spill because “We are not the Labor Party”. What about “we shouldn’t have a spill because I have a great plan for this country and we need a stable government”??
Tony Abbott. Always the boxer, throwing out the punches.
What now?
Now it’s PM Turnbull (as soon as the Governor General swears him in) and the Coalition needs to reform and try to move ahead with running the country. It’s not an easy job after you’ve rolled a sitting Prime Minister. Ask Julia Gillard.
The Libs should find it a bit easier than Labor did after their multiple spills because Tony Abbott is a loyal bloke and it’s believed he won’t try and exact revenge from the backbench a la Kevin Rudd (Jesus that bloke didn’t know how to give up. Seriously Kev!)
BUT, despite the hideous polls and general public sentiment about Tony Abbott, he was still pretty popular among the troops. There could be some who might cause trouble on his behalf….. wait and see.
PM Turnbull
I’m sorry to say we probably won’t see a huge change to the way this country is run under PM Turnbull. In his first press conference as incoming PM he ruled out any huge policy changes. He’ll stick with the Coalition’s plan to have a plebiscite on same-sex marriage (even though he’s a huge supporter of it). He also ruled out any changes to the party’s climate change policy. It’s the thing that lost him the leadership role in 2009 (he lost the Liberal leadership to Tony Abbott by one vote) and he’s not about to rock the boat on that one.
He’s a completely different person to Tony Abbott in so many ways, but he’s still a member of the same party with the same people and he won’t find it easy to get his own way just because he has a different belief system. Because, you know, when you piss people off, they just vote you out of your job. So it’s best to keep them on side if you can.
We won’t see an election for another year, so he’s got some time to get comfy in the role. In the meantime, he’ll shuffle up that cabinet (first head on the block is Joe Hockey. GONSKI. Scott Morrison is the likely replacement) and promises to be a much more consultative PM rather than making “policy on the run”.
What we will see is a man who is very comfortable in front of the camera. Mal loves giving a press conference. Gone are the days of three-word-slogans. It’ll be more like 68 word slogans…
All we can do now is hope that Malcolm Turnbull is the Prime Minister he should and could be and brings some hope, dignity and progress to this country. Because we’re all so desperately sick of being embarrassed.
What do you think of the change? What are you hoping from our new PM?
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73 comments
I’m not sure how our new PM will go but he certainly has more charm than old Tones. Sometime you just wanted to whisper in his ear – ‘Stop talking, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!!! YOU’RE MAKING THINGS WORSE!!” I think it’s hilarious he’s choosing to live in his own mansion rather than Kirrbillie house. Who want s to live there when you’re house is waaaaaaaaay more fancy! Haha! I like Turnball’s resume. Let’s hope he’s as gooder leader as he is charming. Awesome wrap up lovely xx
Same shit, different package.
Some wit on twitter yesterday compared Australia’s Prime Ministership to the Defence Against the Dark Art teacher at Hogwarts…. a new one every year.
They won the internet.
Yep, it’s like an annual edition, Trinity.
Fab wrap up, as always! It was a sad, sad day when Tones became PM. Almost as sad as all these bloody leadership spills. I do wonder what the rest of the world is thinking about all of this. I’m imagining a global #facepalm happening. Like a Mexican wave of facepalms. I wonder if he will still try to retain his Minister for Women spot? Because, you know, he did SO WELL with that one……
I’m just really hoping they get an actual woman for that role in the new cabinet, Sash. Because, you know…. WOMEN.
Nothing will change but my issue is I think it is embarrassing for Australia on the world market. We cannot pick our own leader… Oh hang on we can but then they decide to make changes .. Not happy Jan.
It does undermine the whole compulsory voting thing a bit Natalie!
Ahh thank you for always making sense of something that is really hard to understand! I’ve always liked Malcolm as a leader and if given a good chance I think he will do A good job. I said to the Huz last night after watching the press conference that he sounded exactly like our CEO, all that talk about innovation, etc. he’s got the commercial side down and he’s a PR machine so will be really interesting to watch! Xx
Yep, he’s definitely got an advantage with his business background. He’s a very smart man. Now all he needs to do is have the balls to tell his party what needs to be done.
But how does Kevin Spacey fit into all of this??
Oh wait….
Bring Kevin Spacey to Australia!!!! LOVE
Oh god, this whole thing has just been another circus. It actually makes me weary. I fear that we will never see continuity of leadership because people will always whinge about the incumbent PM, the party will get spooked by the polls leading up to the next election and hustle to find a replacement.
Yep. The only thing that would stop that would be a spectacularly competent Prime Minister. And that’s never going to happen…
I’m not thrilled with any of them, I think they’re all numpties. That said, I do think Malcolm Turnbull is a much better speaker and that’s half the job innit …
Visiting from #teamIBOT x
You’re right Janet, it’s mostly about the ability to communicate and Malcolm is an expert at that.
I was so happy to get rid of Tony Abbott, but I’m also so embarrassed by our politicians in general. Seriously how did most of these people get into politics in the first place. I’m sure other countries think the fact that we can’t keep a PM is hilarious. I don’t think much will change with the liberal party having MT as the leader, but at least he wont make as many public gaffs as Tony Abbott did, hopefully.
He won’t provide as much material to the comedians Toni. He’ll probably just get on with the job and be a bit boring and competent. God forbid!
You have summed this up so well! I agree with all of it. Should be an interesting time. I must say, I’m very relieved, but cautiously optimistic. I wonder what will happen when we all get over the whole “at least it’s not Tony” feeling x
Good point Kez! At the moment everyone is just so happy that we have someone who isn’t Tony Abbott. But now Turnbull needs to actually perform. I hope he measures up!
I feel bothered that we can’t keep a PM in for a term anymore. And we can blame party room politics but we all have a part to play. Social media is full of attacks against people instead of policies, and all these polls just seek to ask ‘Do you think this grass is greener?’
I feel quite disillusioned by everything.
I just hope good comes out of this. Goodness and stability. Which is a tall order these days.
People have no patience Jess. And they are always on the attack. To be honest, it would be a shit job to be PM. There’s no thanks and constant attacks, threats and criticism. And the constant fear of being thrown out of office if the opinion polls aren’t good enough.
At least we will be spared the embarrassing gaffes – Turnbull will be a much smoother operator and say many less dumb things – but will things change? I am not particularly hopeful.
I’m not too hopeful either Robyna. I’m sure he’ll give it a red hot go though. At least he has a bit more vision and conviction than Abbott.
Nailed it! So over these career politicians who are only interested in making a name for themselves and securing a cushy pension rather than making the hard decisions that this country needs. What a joke!
Well at the very least we can say Malcolm Turnbull is probably not in it for the money. He doesn’t even need to work. So perhaps that means he really is doing it for the right reasons. Let’s hope so Kylie!
I hope we see some significant changes but I gather (if deals were indeed done) the direction of some of the important policy issues (climate change etc) may not vary at all.
In any case I’m hoping he’ll be a bit less embarrassing than Abbott was as our PM!
Deb
I definitely think we’ll be far less embarrassed Deborah. Let’s just hope he gets a chance to make some real change.
This is great Lauren – you always get it to all make sense to me! I might also just like to add in there that I secretly think old Mal is a bit of a spunk, just quietly…… 😉
You aren’t the only one Shan! He’s definitely a spunk. With a lot of charisma.
Call me naive but I actually believe Turnbull when he says he is the best person to run our country. At a minimum he is a leader, the first since Howard in my opinion, that isn’t an embarrassment to our country. Let’s just hope things settle down now and they get on with doing what they are meant to be doing!
Fingers crossed Jacinta! Wouldn’t it be nice to think Australia will be properly represented on the world stage? Together with Julie Bishop, they’re a formidable team.
Brilliant summary Lauren! I had no idea our new PM was a Peppa fan- Peppa being a feisty little feminist, perhaps she will have a say in our new Minister for Women?
Indeed he is a fan! Perhaps he’s seen her powers when he’s been looking after his little grandson.
Fingers crossed the Minister for Women will be – at the very least – a woman.
Thanks Lauren, love your work. From my vantage point across the ditch and as a mum of two young kids, I just need to know who the PM is this week so I don’t humiliate myself at upcoming school trivia night.
Congrats on a great post, displaying an intelligent, articulate and entertaining mind that is wholly unsullied by nappy brain. x
Oh Robyn, you’re far too kind to me. My brain is FAR from unsullied. xxx
I’m glad Abbott is gone on a personal level. I would be more interested if it meant changes in policy, which it seems he has ruled out. Good thing politicians rarely stick to what they say…
Hahaha, that’s true Vanessa! In this case we’re hoping Turnbull doesn’t stick to what he says and decides to go a bit rogue and start making big changes!
Excellent wrap up! Look a spill is shit unstable government and not a good look but by golly am I glad to see the back of Abbott. I’ll give Turnbull a chance before I pass any judgement on him. At least he can talk in sentences!! 😉
Talking in sentences should be a prerequisite of all Prime Ministers in the future Min. Don’t you think?
Unbelievable that Thud has seen so many changes in his short life…shocking stats…
I swing…as in voting…*G*……but I was terrified of an election…as I just did not like or have confidence in anyone ..even independents…..now that has all changed….my life is calm again… 🙂
Thanks for keeping us informed…
I think a lot of people feel a bit calmer now Maev! xx
Great wrap up! I awoke to the news we had a new PM. I just hope Malcolm can do the job and not embarrass us anymore. I’m sure the world leaders are laughing at us and sharing memes of poor Tone on Facebook 😉
At the very least Malcolm should be able to mix it on the world stage. He knows how to schmooze.
Love this! Informative, explanatory and entertaining all rolled into one – my favourite kind (especially when politics is involved!). Only time will tell if Malcolm Turnball is the type of PM we are hoping he will be…
He has a lot of potential but anything could happen. I find it’s best not to keep expectations low 😉
I woke and started googling to find out what the hell happened overnight – then thought best to check in with you as I am sure you would give a much more humorous exciting version (which you did!). Thanks for making it all a little clearer, just so glad I wont have to look at Tony’s ears on my tv…
Love your work x
Yes there will be a lot less of the ears now. Small mercies!
I couldn’t wait to read your wrap up this morning because I knew you’d tell it how it is (and in a way that I could understand!) I’ve actually lost count of how many Prime Ministers we’ve had in office in the eight years we’ve been living in Australia – I suspect it’s not much less than the number of Prime Ministers I had in the UK for my first thirty five years of life. I find this “spilling” like something out of a political satire – if it wasn’t so serious, it would be farcical. That said, I’ve never been a fan of Tone and I’m pleased to see the back of him and his budgie smugglers. Let’s hope Malcs can live up to his name and turn this bull around! x
Ah, I see what you did there Sammie. Nice pun work! 😉
That’s ok, we Australians will get on with our lives and forget this ever happened in oh, maybe 24 hours? Because when it comes to politics, we love to brush things under the carpet. She’ll be right mate. Which is exactly why our economy and way of life is so messed up. Like an aunt of mine used to say “Wake up Australia!”.
It’s so true and very sad Natalie. Australians only care when something really dramatic is going on. Otherwise they just can’t be bothered.
Couldn’t wait to read this when I woke and saw you’d posted on IBOT..well, my feelings are very similar to yours but you has insider cred (oh and what about Peta Cradling?) Look, I agree that Tones was ok in opposition but he didn’t ever transform into leadership. I’ve met him socially and I’ve met JG too. I know that when they ‘assume the role’ some of who they are IRL goes out the window. Nevertheless I am glad the 3 word slogan PM has gone but the “I still have so much to say” PM designate is also going to have me channel changing.. DONT even ask me about Bill Shorten. Sad about his lack of leadership qualities these days. Good tweeting last night though it was like the olden days with my twitter mates! Denyse
Bill Shorten had so much potential but now he’s got the crazy eyes and makes me nervous Denyse. It’s scary how quickly they change once they’re in their leadership roles. Let’s hope Malcolm can remain relatively normal.
Excellent post. As an American living here I have found the constant reshuffling so odd. But at least with Turnbull there will be some dignity in the office. Tony was so badly spoken, an idiot in budgie smugglers and … too many negatives to list.
I definitely think that Turnbull and Bishop are a team we can be proud of on the international stage. They are both excellent communicators and know how to sell Australia.
“Numpty” – I love you even more now! Brilliant post, cracked me up.
But he is, isn’t he Emma? Sometimes I feel sorry for him.
Brilliant post Lauren. I always liked Malcolm Turnbull and I actually think a lot of voters voted in Tony Abbot hoping that this spill would happen and Turnbull would win and overthrow Tony as Prime Minister. I felt dreadful after Kev Rudd was ousted by Julia – about lack of loyalty and etc, but in this instance, I don’t feel so bad yet the same thing has happened. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next year.
I really hope they give him a proper go Bec. We’ll have to wait and see whether he can live up to expectations. It’s a tough job and not everyone is suited to it. Let’s hope he is!
Right! The Silver Fox is in, time for a refresh and restoring a little pride. I will let his choice in butt ugly dogs slide.
Baha Karin. x
I liked him more because of his cute canines!
He’s SO the Silver Fox. I can’t lie, I always turned up to his press conferences.
I just wonder how we are being perceived to the rest of the world with an unstable government?
I honestly think the rest of the world doesn’t think about us that much. We are terribly small compared to the countries that actually matter.
Fair point. X
You are so right I hadn’t thought about it as Tones not moving on from leader of the opposition but that’s it exactly. Lets see what Turnbull has in store for us.
He was so intent on destroying Labor that he forgot he was supposed to build up Australia as well. It’s a shame he wasn’t able to switch roles.
Has MalTurn modeled himself upon Frank Underwood from House of Cards? All that soulless yet priapic thrusting intellect – its oddly alluring.
How AWESOME (and awful) is Frank Underwood??
Love your work Loz! When Abbott got voted in I was willing to be open-minded and give him a shot. As you say, he never moved on from Opposition Leader mindset. And where his party could keep him largely gagged while in Opposition, they couldn’t do that once he was the leader of the country could they. Live and learn Libs
Oh I can only imagine how many times they cringed when he opened his mouth. He was the king of gaffes.