If you’re about to have a baby, you’ll have been told about four thousand times to “sleep while you can, gosh darn it!” because babies keep you awake and this will make you tired. Hilarious. Revolutionary.
Yes, you’ll be tired, but your life will change in so many other ways (for the better, I promise) that I’ve put together a list of things you might want to get done before your little human arrives. A pregnancy bucket list if you will…
1. Take a photo of your face. Really zoom in on your eyes. There may be a day you’d like to look back at your ‘before’ photo.
2. Go for a drive by yourself and turn the music up really loud. Listen to the filthiest gangsta rap you can find and shout out all the explicit lyrics.
3. Better yet, drive in complete silence. Roll the windows up and enjoy the sound of your own breathing. Don’t scream at anyone and enjoy not answering the same question 473 times.
4. Go to the toilet with the door closed. Look around at all four walls and appreciate the complete privacy of having a bowel movement alone. Really commit to memory what it feels like to not discuss your poo with another person.
5. Watch someone walk into the bathroom. Watch them leave the bathroom. Do not discuss anything they did in there.
6. Wake up when you have finished sleeping.
7. Walk into a room. Remember why you’re there.
8. Read something smart. NOT POETRY. It’s really important it does not rhyme.
9. Make yourself a cup of tea. Make all the noise you want because no one is asleep in the house. Drink your tea while it’s still hot.
10. Leave the house on a whim. Pick up your bag (which already has everything you need in it) and walk out the door. Don’t spend an hour running through a mental checklist. Don’t argue with anyone about shoes. Just get up and walk out of your house like you are the boss of your own life.
11. Wear all your dangly earrings.
12. Agree to give your friend a lift and don’t panic at the thought of them seeing the state of the car floor.
13. Don’t talk. Even if it’s just for an afternoon, enjoy not listening to your own voice. Enjoy not having to discuss the meaning of life every four minutes. Relish being able to carry out simple tasks without providing a running commentary of every muscle moved.
14. Shower every day.
15. Put a pair of scissors really close to the edge of the bench. Put a glass on the coffee table. Put a plate of food in front of someone and let them judge the temperature for themselves. Feel the adrenaline of risk surge through your veins.
16. Buy yourself some clothes from a shop that doesn’t have trolleys out the front.
17. Place a packet of chocolate biscuits in the middle of the room and eat the whole thing right out in the open, in plain view of anyone and everyone. Do not hide in your pantry and do not share. They’re all yours.
18. Have a lovely lunch with your girlfriends and appreciate how their eyes never glaze over when you’re speaking.
19. Greet your partner at the end of a long day with a big kiss and a hug. Ask him about his day and listen carefully to his response with interest and empathy. Give him your undivided attention and tell him his worries will always be your top priority.
20. Cuddle your pets. Lavish them with attention and tell them again you’ll never love the baby as much as them.
21. If you are not yet pregnant, go and jump on a trampoline. Enjoy not wetting yourself.
22. Clean your house. Sit and watch it stay clean.
23. Arrive somewhere on time.
24. Watch a whole movie from beginning to end.
25. Swear frequently. Don’t spell anything out. Don’t use any substitutes. Sugar, shoot, fudge, far out, fa la la la la, holy moly, jeepers etc. are not to be used.
26. Eat your dinner with both hands, while it’s hot.
27. Spend the hours between 4pm – 7pm thinking about yourself. Just sit and relax. Maybe take a bath. Please remember the ease of these hours. It’s important.
28. Talk to someone without needing to repeat yourself 326 times before they acknowledge you are speaking.
29. Start a task. Complete it in the expected timeframe.
30. Spend one final day thinking only about yourself and how you might fill your day and get ready for the greatest, most hectic adventure of your life.
What would you put on your pregnancy bucket list?
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This post first appeared on Essential Baby
75 comments
My boyfriend and are going to get married in a couple months, and we are discussing how long we want to wait to have kids. Part of me wants to have them now, but another part just wants to enjoy married life first. I came across this post, very confused on what to do, and now I think I have a clearer idea of why we should wait to have kids.
[…] https://the-thud.com/30-things-you-need-to-do-before-you-have-a-baby/ […]
I’d say that anyone who’s car or house is a mess wasn’t really too bothered by it before they had a baby. I have a 10 month old, and my house is always clean… because we like a clean house.
😂😂😂 please come back in about 12 months ✌🏼
A 10 month old hahahahahahahaha
I have a 10 month old too and am fully aware that she is not yet capable of making much mess (yes she can upend her toybox in the living room, pull clothes out of her drawer while I’m putting them away and drop her food on the floor during mealtimes but that’s about the extent of the damage she can do which ultimately really isn’t that bad).
All hilarious except #30 where you imply child-free folks are self-absorbed. I neither spend the day thinking of myself nor do I have boring days. Keep up the funny!
Hi TMK, thanks for reading!
That’s not actually what I am implying, it’s what you are inferring 😉
What I am implying is that once you have kids, you stop thinking about yourself and focus all your energy onto your baby so I’m encouraging people to be a bit selfish while they still have the chance.
I’m also making light of the fact that most new parents will have a moment where they think, “what did we used to do with all our free time!?” because every second of their day is consumed by their child and they struggle to remember what it was like to have free time or even what they did with all that free time.
So it’s not a criticism of child-free people, it’s merely an observation of how it feels to look back on your former life once you have children.
Being able to walk into a restaurant without anyone touching anyone!
[…] This list of things to do before you have a baby is hilarious and kind of on point. […]
I would enjoy my immaculately clean car that does not smell like sour milk!
I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry! My poor, poor car seats and carpets. I’ve just given up at this point, really.
Love this! I would add, enjoy revelling in the knowledge that you know absolutely everything to know about parenting perfect children.
I was SO much more informed about parenting before I actually became a parent Louise 😉
[…] Click here to read Dubois' full list of things non-moms take for granted. […]
I’ve never followed a link to a blog but this fascinated me. I love how you kept it open enough that men can relate too. Plus the fact that you appreciate the little things.
In my view, you’re the continental Mother of the year.
Having said that, I hope the blog hasn’t overstated your skills as a mother, in the least offensive way possible.
I hope so too John! 😉
Hah! I love this! #28 😀
Love it 🙂
I would add go to the office without wondering if you got any spit on your clothes….
I don’t even notice it anymore
Hahhaha, I’m glad those days are behind me. I must admit I’m enjoying my girls being older. I can actually start to live my life for me once again.
It’s great to know it does come back eventually Mandy!
[…] 30 things you need to do before you have a baby – ah if only I had appreciated my innocent pre-baby days! Especially my pre-baby brain!! This post is great for parents wanting a laugh if witching hour is getting you down (and highly instructional for anyone planning to have kids in the near future!). […]
Haha. Number 21!
I’d add “wear purfume”
Xx
Love all of this!!! Except the first one about our kids being pests and why would we want to bring them into the world etc. All the rest of these accounts and comments are so funny and real. I’ve got three amazing and productive grown up sons. I was a single parent for twenty two years. I now have successful, creative, artistic, happy grown men who make me more proud by each day. I wouldn’t swap a single day of them doing or saying odd things in public especially when one cried incessantly cos he didn’t like the feeling of sand on the beach for the first time ; one used to stop at a certain telegraph pole returning from play school each time and needed persuading to walk around the said pole because he claimed it was in his way ; and the other, during quiet, reflective prayer time in church stated out loud that he’d just farted!!!!! (hilarious to this day!). I now have a wonderful man in my life whose children my sons knew from school, and we do loads of fun silly things together that make our kids cringe at us now haha. We treasure our time alone but have such fun and enjoyment when we have our offspring over and can’t wait to be grandparents so we can do more of what we’ve missed doing since ours have grown up and relive a few of these moments written of with pleasure. great account, thanks for the entertainment. Much respect. X
My goodness I have SO much respect for single mums. Well done Karen, you’re amazing xxx
And you’re right. None of us would trade our babies for any of this.
Lauren that was a fantastic answer! ?????
No sympathy from me! I’m gonna spend my whole life doing these things! I am proudly child free. I don’t know what you are trying to prove by breeding except that you want to contribute to overpopulation, have no money, have no peace or quiet, have to clean up disgusting messes, and ruin people’s nights by taking your screaming pests out in public. And not to mention you will just let them…You will not attempt to fix the problem. Keep your pests out of public unless you are willing to spank them in public when they act like little monsters.
You are delightful Sakura.
While I speak for everyone when I say, thank fuck you’re not reproducing just so you can spank your kids, I’ve got to ask, if you’re so proudly child free, why are you reading this blog?
Sakura– I assume then that you will not be taking a government pension in your older years, since it will be paid by those same “screaming pests”, who will by then be lovely contributing adults. I’m sorry for the life you have had that has left you so angry. May you find peace and healing.
Seriously? She’s having a laugh, like ‘tongue in cheek’.
Oh My Gosh, Lauren!! I almost peed my pants laughing at your response to Sakura!! I, too, was rejoicing that such a douche nozzle wasn’t going to bring more of its kind into this chaos!! I seriously love you right now. ??????????
Douche nozzle ??? I just died from laughter. Thank you Liz!
The 3yo started saying “what the hell” a few weeks ago and I figured he most have picked it up from daycare because we never say that….I always go straight for what the fuck. Also, the why’s. They just started. Cannot deal with the why’s. Or any of the questions. “Mum mum mum mum what’s this, mum what do it say.”
“It says triangle.”
“No it’s orange.”
I know what a fucking triangle is u little shit.
“Why is the table scratched?”
“Because you just scratched it with your fork.”
“No you did, mum, I saw you.”
I was just going through some clothes last night that I passed on to my sister after baby #1 came. There was a silk chiffon blouse I bought in Melbourne there. Silk. Silk!
Also I would add you should enjoy wearing hand wash only lacy bras and flimsy knickers -matching sets, obviously – because it’s all t-shirt bras and black sensible full coverage crap from here on in (and that’s it you avoid the granny panties – which do have their use in disguising belly flub but also have the annoying tendency to rise above your jeans and always hang the tag out) I wore sexy chiffon and lace underwear the other day and had to tell my husband it was JUST BECAUSE IM OUT OF NORMAL UNDIES SO DONT GET ANY IDEAS.
I don’t know what this silk is. I only know lycra.
I think I would go undie-less rather than wear lace. So much scratch.
Oh my god, your convo with your 3yo has just made me burst out crying with laughter ???. We’re in the same camp at the moment and that could’ve been written in our household too!! I get accused of doing all sorts of things every day and get told what things are (when they’re not at all what he says they are!). I’ve never been so frustrated with something I love so much! Parenthood is a complete paradox!
Or that just super annoying thing where you point something out to them, they miss it and then we start with the “where Mummy? Where? I don’t see the fire engine. Where Mummy?”
I no longer point things out that may be missed.
OMG I thought it was just my kid who could miss the big digger right in front of his face. DON’T WORRY, YOU MISSED IT, FORGET ABOUT IT, IT’S GONE FFS!
Have nice things around the house: fragile ornaments, pictures, mirrors, candles. Place them on low surfaces and enjoy them.
Wear all your dry-cleanable “nice” clothes.
If you’re not pregnant yet, eat all the things: soft cheese, pate, deli meats, seafood, alcoholic drinks, lots of coffee.
.
Yes, bring out all of your expensive breakable things and appreciate them before they are packed away for the next decade.
Enjoy wearing beautifully impractical clothes! Totter about in your heels, sexy boots and pristine white tops before you are relegated (during daylight hours at least), to ballet flats, perhaps nursing tops and basically nothing white during the early foods/messy hands era 😉 xx
I wear grey. From head to toe. Sex on legs.
Its funny reading all of these. I’m only 43 but have a 4 & 3 year old grandchild. Hubby and I love waking to find 1 of our munchkins in bed with us. We don’t mind packing everything to go somewhere or having to eat at MacDonalds etc but I know my daughter does. Lol my advice make every moment count. They grow up and leave home before you blink. Make memories all the other stuff can be done later.
I might try to avoid making the tantruming moments count but yes to the rest 😉
Even the tantrums are priceless memories of an age when things were irrational, illogical, but still a matter of life-or-death. Like the tantrum because his pants were uncomfortable after he stuffed ALL of his hard plastic frogs into his underpants for safe keeping! 😀
Where else would you keep your plastic frogs??
Go to bed as late as you wish without the worry of how much sleep you’re able to cram in before a little human sized alarm clock jumps on your head.
Make the most of your sleeping space. Enjoy not sleeping on the edge of your bed with a sopping, smelly nappy-clad bottom taking up your pillow space.
Going to bed without mentally calculating how many MINUTES you’ll get until the first child wakes up. Sleep without the faint smell of wee lingering over everything. Bliss.
I would add: Wear impractical clothes made of silk, linen, anything pale without a thought to handprints, grass stains, vomit and/or snot and the need to constantly bend, stoop and drag toddlers around. Anything with a waist and low cut neckline.. Do it now!
I have so many beautiful clothes I refuse to get rid of. They are packed away for the day I might be able to wear them again. They’ll be hideously out of date but I can’t bear to accept I’ll never wear them again.
Ah yes the trampoline I’ve had to explain why I don’t get on it with the girls which grossed them out completely! I’ve just got the stage where we can out with me just taking my handbag again (and the kids of course) of the excitement the first time that happened!
If I manage to leave the house without kids I take my wallet, phone and keys and THAT’S IT. The joy of not carrying a back breaking bag overwhelms me and I go the extreme opposite and go bagless.
Oh i read this on Essential Baby the other day and geez I laughed! 22 might be my favourite.
I actually added 7 bonus ones for anyone who read it first over there. I think 22 is my favourite too. Or my least favourite depending how you look at it.
Love this! I snort laughed at 21! I’d say sit on your couch and binge watch tv shows that don’t have main characters that are animals, or monsters, or cartoons.
I have such a love hate relationship with ABC for Kids Hayley.
6 & 12 – Oh Lordy yes!!! Completely nailed this post Lauren!!! LOVE IT!!!
My car is a health hazard Jo. And worst of all, I don’t even notice it until I think someone else is going to see it.
Go to the shops and browse. For hours. Wander aimlessly. Stand in front of a selection and stare at it for as long as you want instead of just grabbing something quickly before someone starts screaming at you for a biscuit. Fit into non pram-friendly shops! Go into shops you don’t even care about “for a look”. Because you have allllll the time in the world. Bliss!
I’m so tired of running through shops. Literally running, grabbing things from shelves, chucking them on top of the pram and running to the check out.
31. Eating out at whatever time I get hungry without having to go to a family friendly restaurant that has chicken bloody nuggets on the menu!
32. Showing my husband how much I love him in the morning… Because there is no child who has snuck into our bed!
33. Wearing heels during the day because there is no toddler to frantically chase after!
34. Working what ever work hours I deem necessary – over time? Paid?! Yes please!
Why do they even have other items on the menu? Chicken nuggets and chips. Every child. Every time.
I physically snorted at number 6!!! I am now sharing this with my gorgeous cousin who is 20 weeks pg with her first, she is gorgeous, perky, full of life & fit……..better she knows this stuff now….
Great way to shatter her dreams before baby comes ??
It important to lower her expectations.
Drive somewhere without having to answer ‘are we there yet?’ Where are we going? why? Who else will be there? Etc etc etc!!
Make some toast for breakfast and eat it while it is still warm 🙂
Go to a friends/relatives place that has children and observe their parenting and think to yourself – “When my child is born I won’t be doing A, B or C” and then find out you do anything to preserve your sanity
Go out and have a huge night and sleep off your hangover.
Oh the list goes on…..
My whole day is filled with WHY right now. The other day I got “why is it a bread roll?” How do I even answer that?
My pregnant wife and I know that I will be fielding all of those kinds of questions. Why? Because I enjoy “tormenting” kids (like my nephews/nieces) by giving them wrong/confusing/over-complicated answers just for the fascination of watching them process.
Why is it a bread roll? Because there once was a man named Roll who invented bread. And now, because of how much people like bread, they named it after him in honor.
Holy shit Tim, my husband is the same. The smart arse streak is strong in that one! Your kids will love you.
Oh the joys of parenting … I promise that when they go to school you will even miss some of these things I know that sounds crazy but it is totally true!!!
And how old were you in your before shot 10!!
That’s about 5 years ago. It has been a steep decline.
Love it! I’d add take a clutch instead of a Mary Poppins Nappy Bag and enjoy getting in and out of the car without having to strap anyone in. Oh the bliss. Very well written as always. x
I start to get anxiety when I am driving around because I need to minimise the number of times I have to get everyone in and out of the car. Why isn’t everything I need all in one spot?
14* by yourself, without an audience asking if that regretful tattoo of a dolphin you got on your butt when you were 18 is the whale from Finding Dory.
24* that isn’t a cartoon.
31. Go out for a nice dinner and be able to eat straight away without having to cut someone else’s food into tiny bite size pieces they don’t eat anyway.
32. Invite friends over for dinner who actually like what you cook and thank you for it instead of asking for a Vegemite sandwich instead.
33. Look after your husband when he has “man flu” like the loving wife you are instead of saying “man up or go and live with your mother until you’re better”.
Ahh lucky those little people are so damn adorable right 🙂
Oh Jacinta, hahaha, I think sympathy for my husband was the first thing to go. I only have so much to spare!
I thought the original article was good, but man, that regretful tattoo being a whale made me laugh and wake up the baby. But it was worth it! He’s settled now, it’s all good!