They tell you what to expect when the baby arrives: sleepless nights, endless feeding, poonamis and vomit puddles in your bra. They tell you to expect the sandpaper nipples, some vag discomfort and just general shitness in the hair and face department.
What they don’t tell you is to expect a rapid deterioration of your sanity. They don’t warn you about the basket-case sliding scale on which you’ll be rated for the rest of your life (the sliding scale ranges from Fairly Normal to Britney Spears).
You should expect to slowly inch your way back to a vague semblance of normal behaviour, but you’ll need to get comfortable with the fact that some parts of your brain will never return. Your frontal lobe has been branded with a white-hot MUM stamp….
Welcome to parenthood!
Let me run through some things you should expect when you’re a new mum:
PARTNER RAGE
Before baby
Oh I love him so much, he’s going to be SUCH a good daddy, I can’t wait to be a family, I want to spend AAAALLL my time with him!
After baby
IS HE ASLEEP AGAIN!? Does he do this on purpose? How could he possibly be asleep already, he JUST put his head on the pillow? Is this a fucking joke? Is he trying to piss me off? Why can’t he lie awake all night, just listening to the baby breathe? This bastard who still has abdominal muscles AND control of his bladder who ALSO gets to escape to work and adult conversation and LUNCH BREAKS and TEA BREAKS and fresh air and LIFE!? If I need to spend one more night staring at his blisfully relaxed, snoring pig-face I’m going to gouge out his perfectly un-bloodshot eyeballs and hang them over the crib like a mobile. WAKE UP YOU BASTARD!!!
Prognosis
Temporary. And completely normal.
You can blame lack of sleep and raging hormones for this one. When you’re so tired you start forgetting words like ‘milk’ and ‘chair’, it’s understandable that watching a person sleep could send you into a homicidal rage. It’s like starving for three weeks and then watching someone binge on pizza. And you can’t exactly rage at the baby, can you?
You’ll calm down and start to like them again. Eventually. Usually around the time you’ve decided you want another child.
Dear men: we know it’s difficult to put up with crazy new mums. It’s also difficult to be the crazy new mum. Sorrynotsorry. Love you.
Word of warning: to anyone thinking of having a baby to “save the marriage”….. bahahahahahahahaha….. idiots. Don’t.
TEARS AHOY
Before baby
Oh look at that sad story about the sick child. That’s awful. That poor family
After baby
Gaaaaaaahhh…. gulp… sob… whaaaaa *ugly cry*…. wwhhyyyy? Uugghhhhh…. *snot drip*
Prognosis
Incurable. You’re done for. From now on you simply won’t be able to handle any story about a child being sick, injured, mistreated, killed…. it’s just more than your heart can bear. Honestly, it’s like a switch flicks inside your heart and forevermore you are 23 times more sensitive to the suffering of any child. You can’t help but imagine your own child in that situation and it’s unbearable.
A common symptom of this condition is violent rage i.e. the need to hunt down and mutilate anyone who has ever hurt a child.
example
Me: *watching story about child abuse*
Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Nooooooooo……*sobbing*
Husband: Wait, what’s just happened to your face? Why crazy eyes? What’s going on, you’re scaring me.
Me: Just plotting a revenge attack… relax!
WORST CASE SCENARIO
Before baby
Look both ways before crossing the road.
After baby
We are all going to be killed.
Prognosis
Not good. Motherhood is like a supercharge to the imagination. All of a sudden a simple climb up the stairs can turn into a possible life or death situation when you can see the worst possible outcome of every situation. It might just be a flash in the back of your mind. A quick glimpse into an alternate universe where a walk down the street ends in an emergency room visit, but there’s a constant nagging that your child is incredibly non-permanent. And the worries are only going to grow. Riding a bike, learning to drive, travelling overseas…. holy shit, I can’t cope…
THE RISE OF CHATTY CATHY
Before baby
Very busy, keep walking, nothing to see here
After baby
Oh hi! How old’s your little one? Oh he’s adorable! Let’s be best friends!!
Prognosis
Permanent. Your busy/disinterested facade has been burnt to the ground and in its ashes has arisen the phoenix known as CHATTY CATHY. Based on all the middle aged women I’ve ever known, the need to chat is here to stay. Suddenly everyone is a possible friend and playmate. You feel desperate to share your stories – with an ADULT – and find out if everyone else is faring the same (hello blog!). This is also the reason you will fall in love with your mothers group (if you get a good one. Make sure you get a good one). Chatting to other women in the exact same situation will feel like a stiff drink of scotch in the middle of a bad day. They’ll make your head stop spinning, so go forth and chat. It’s good for the soul.
MY CHILD’S NOT THE BEST
Before baby
There’s only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. I can’t wait for that wonderful mother-love to wash over me. Cue soft music, loving gazes and chubby, soft baby cheeks and dimples….
After baby
But what’s that weird rash? Does she have a monobrow? Oh god, people are coming over today and he’s scratched half his face off. Why does my baby look like a small Adolf Hitler? I’m going to need to put a cap over that bald patch. WHY ARE THERE CHUNKS OF SKIN COMING OFF HIS SCALP!?
Prognosis
Permanent. And completely normal. You’ll still think your tiny Adolf is adorable and love him with every fibre of your being and you’ll start gazing wistfully at old men and their comb-overs who look EXACTLY like your three week old baby. But all the love in the world can’t block out the infant mullet or the baby acne. Do they make Proactiv for newborns?
It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child more than any other human being on the planet. It just means you have eyes in your head and you can see that the weeping rash all up your baby’s face is not cute and you should probably see a doctor about that. God help anyone else who points it out though…..
Please note: While this is all a bit tongue in cheek – if you ever feel like your general ‘new mum crazy’ is getting out of hand and you’re not enjoying any part of it, you should have a chat with your GP and see if maybe you’re struggling a bit more than you need to. You can also check out PANDA.
It’s all a bit hard at the beginning and lots of people need some extra help to make their way through it. Always take care of yourself. Lauren xxx
What other things took you by surprise when you first brought your baby home? If you’re expecting your first baby, are you prepared for any of this?
Psst… The Thud is on Facebook and we have lots of fun over there. Plus, you can join the cool kids on THE LIST.
64 comments
[…] struggling to cope, that’s OKAY. It doesn’t make you a failure or weird or sick. It’s NORMAL. In fact, pretty much everything is normal with a new […]
[…] And the constant need to watch and listen and supervise will drive you right to the front door of the asylum, sit you down on the step and ring the doorbell for […]
[…] “have a series of short, barely useful naps in between feeds and nappy changes in the dark while husband snores blissfully beside […]
[…] this period of my life and re-emerge as a regular old mum of kidS, I feel it’s time to pass on some advice and […]
[…] handbook for new Mum’s, with such honest articles as How Babies Are Made oh and the gritty What to Expect When You’re a New Mum-Basket Case Edition and Motherhood Cult Claims One More I could go on and on with all Lauren’s fabulous posts, […]
So much truth here- and some of it hurts! I am now a Chatty Cathy and pre-children I used to be a Gotta Go (You Bore Me) Greta. I didn’t even realise until I read this. Anyone who even looks like they might linger when I say hello is immediately commandeered for a full-on chat on God know what.
Quite rightly, I am now the recipient of Gotta Go Greta moves from people who haven’t birthed recently… WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??
Great post! (Thanks Mrs Woogs for the hot tip:) )
Bahahahahaha….. Melinda I was a total Gotta Go Greta and now I really do think I’m getting the GGG moves from strangers when I’m prattling on about crap. OMG it’s happening to me too!!
Thanks for stopping by lovely! xx
I just stopped watching Love Child two episodes in because I saw an ad about a fight over a baby and another dying so avoided the mental anguish and teary melt down by cutting it off. I still haven’t watched the two episodes about Patrick’s death on Offspring. Always have been a cryer but now it is off the charts.
Oh and if my husband mentions he is tired one more time I swear I will…..
What Karin? What will you do??? Ahahaahahahahaha……
[…] What to expect when you’re a new mum: basket case edition – hilarious post from Lauren at The Thud that had me half laughing, half taking notes of what is in store for me in a few months! […]
#thudlife nails it again! Dang, girl! Well done on this one. I’m off to share with anyone else who’s gone through this and needs to laugh or bash their husband …
It makes me feel so much better to hear so many other women wanted to bash their husbands. I mean, we KNOW we love them… Even if we hate them a little bit for a while. Thank god I had friends who were willing to admit they felt the same otherwise I would have thought we were in trouble! That and my mum telling me early on that having a baby was one of the hardest things you’ll ever endure as a couple. The OPPOSITE of a “marriage saver”
Haha love this. I totally get the husband rage! At the moment it’s with a toddler ‘Why the hell are you not listening to her? She just asked you a question’. Argh! But new baby due any day so it will be sleep anger again too 😉
Oh sometimes they can’t do anything right can they Holly? Poor blokes. I think it’s transferred rage. We can’t take it out on the kids, so they cop it all.
Ha ha! Brilliant post honey. I too have a deaf husband! grrrrrr! Thanks so much for linking up to #TheList x
Thanks for having me lovely! And what’s so special about their ears that they can sleep straight through it all!?
LOL loved this. All of it is true. I was s quiet and didn’t speak a word to people I didn’t know before I had kids, not I feel like I have a bond with every mother on the planet.
Before kids: changed clothes so I looked decent before I walked out of the house.
After kids: I have a bra on, we’re good to go!
Bahahaha!!! It’s so true xxx
All so funny and all so true! I have to admit though my husband has a dose of worst case scenario – he’s always leaping to a bad conclusion when it comes to the kids! Meanwhile I’m too busy being Chatty Cathy to notice anything is wrong at all…!
Well that’s a relief to know the menfolk suffer from it too! It’s nice to spread the crazy around 😉
Love it – basket case edition! Pure genius. Great post. #TheList
Thanks for stopping by Tayla! xxxx
I wish you were my neighbour! Snort. Here’s to having a rock solid marriage that has allowed my husband to put up with my shit. Have a fabulous weekend gorgeous woman!! xxx
How much fun would we have as neighbours Em!?
Right on. I was reading the other day that we lose 5% of brain function when we’re pregnant and it’s lasting! I’m suspicious about whether it EVER returns. The sleeping husband thing, makes me feel virtually murderous. He sneaks nanna naps, when I SHOULD BE…..
Vicki, do you lose 5% for each pregnancy, because I don’t think I can handle losing any more….
What is with the worst-case-scenario-ism? I’m a terrible one for that! Oh, we are driving to the shop. There’s a truck in the distance. No doubt it will turn around and aim straight for us. Queue fireball scenario. Jeez. Stop it, brain!
It’s vivid living in my brain too Amy. Sometimes even I will stop and think “Lauren, you’re crazy. Take a chill pill”
That’s saying something.
Brilliant!! I will be giving a copy of this to every about to be Mother I know!!
Ha! Thanks Nicole! Like to keep it real for the poor delusional preggos 😉
You have nailed it Lauren. Oh the rage I had at snoring pig face, I would feed in our bed with the light on reading a magazine and he still didn’t wake up! he still snores but don’t think he’s pig face anymore! x
Oh Vicki that’s funny. I used to make all sorts of noise in an effort to ‘accidentally’ wake him, but it’s like he was asleep just to spite me. WHY are they so good at sleeping!?
Love and agree with ALL of these. I really love Chatty Cathy – I embarrass my husband regularly when I engage shopkeepers in banter about nothing. I find middle aged pharmacy assistants especially chatty in return and seek them out over the young primping ones, just so I can get some knowing nods, advice and sympathy about my baby’s latest ailment. I used to avoid meaningless chatter like the PLAGUE! Weird.
Bahahaha…. I’m always at the chemist having a chat! They know everything!!
Lack of sleep and raging hormones – explains it all! There was so much talk about pregnancy and having the baby but never a blow by blow account of the frontline like this back when I had Miss T – I can smell a warts and all book in this Lauren! And I totally agree with a good mothers group – they ARE good for the soul and I’m extremely lucky to have an awesome one! We share horror stories, laugh, cry, support each other, have playdates and regular dinner and cocktail catch ups (without the kids of course). That support network has been brilliant.
It’s like gold isn’t it Tash? I wasn’t sure about the whole mums group thing, but I will be forever grateful that my sister made me go. I got THE BEST group of girls. Not one competitive mum, not one sancti-mum, not one mum who thought she was better than anyone else. Just a bunch of women who have always been able to be honest about the good and the bad and I LOVE them!
With Mr3 and Mr6 now I have mostly overcome my basketcase-ness but the crying over all things to do with hurt children will never fade. I was the Ice Queen before kids, now I just won’t watch anything that involves any child being hurt or any parent who has lost a child. Just.can’t.go.there! Great post. xx
Oh same Ellen, I could sit in a news room and hear all sorts of horror with a certain detachment because it was just a news story. Now I dissolve and feel nauseous just at the thought of it. I’ve had to stop people from even finishing their stories because I knew something bad was coming and knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
The husband. My nemesis. The shit that man claims he cannot hear, didn’t hear, will never hear. I’m going to Bali with the ladies next week & guaranteed my 2 little angels won’t make a peep for Daddy, soon as I’m back it’ll be back to wet beds, drinks of water & bad dreams….. Grrrr! Love them all, really I do! x
My husband swears it’s a frequency thing. Apparently men can’t hear the frequency of a crying baby but they can hear the lower frequency of someone breaking into the house….
Convenient.
Even my fucking dog snores. I’m breastfeeding at 3am by the glow of my mobile phone, so as not to wake snoring pig face and the DOG SNORES AS WELL!
WAKE THEM BOTH! I want to be a dog…
Oh god, can so relate to being a big fat wet blanket now, I can’t even watch the news or hear sad stories about kids anymore. Perfectly described! I used to get a bit crazy with the lack of sleep – I hated those bitches who couldn’t help but tell me over and over again what a great sleeper they had!!! Grrrr!!!!! I’m happy for you, but don’t shove it down my throat!!
Number one rule of motherhood – DON’T TELL ANYONE YOUR CHILD IS A SLEEPER. NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW!!!!!
I freaking hope you have a book in the works chick – the real guide to parenting. You are hilarious and SO SPOT ON! xx
Oh you’re too sweet Sonia. It would be a very short book! Or I’d have to add a disclaimer to every page saying “actually has no idea what she’s talking about so please don’t take anything she says seriously”
Hahahaha xxxx
Pic…over load of cuteness….Mum as well as baby…..
Then I read about poor Sarge….I still cannot stop laughing…
Been there ….done that…
But you do a good thing…sharing is caring…and it does help to know you are not alone…..especially on the rough days….
Keep up the good work.
Hahaha, thanks Maev!! I think it’s SO important to let other mums know they’re not losing their minds. That was the best part of having an awesome mothers group who was so willing to be open about EVERYTHING. Hearing that other people felt the same way as me made me feel like I wasn’t losing my mind and that I’d probably get back to normal eventually. It can be so comforting to know you’re not alone xx
And yes – poor Sarge! He copped it. But he stuck around. Luckily!! That’s love 😉
This was awesome! It is so weird how every horror news story makes you cry as a parent now. I can’t really watch those stories. I turn my head every time I see Daniel Morcombe’s parents on the news. It just makes me shudder.
And love the baby ugliness :). I look back on baby photos of my son, and go, ‘What the fuck is going on with that rash?? I don’t remember it being that bad’.
Great post. xo
How funny is it to look back at those baby photos Kelly? I look back and think WHOA, I thought you were adorable. YOU WERE NOT ADORABLE!!!
And I agree 100% with the Morcombes. I just got goosebumps from just typing their name. The look in Denise Morcombe’s eyes, like she’ll never be happy again. She’s just a shell of a woman. It DESTROYS me.
Yep, her eyes are so sad. I live on the Sunshine Coast too, so every time I go past that bus stop it makes my heart race.
Oh that would be tough Kelly. Makes you want to gather your babies up and never let them out of your sight again.
You described it perfectly Lauren! I’m with you, marriage before kids is wise otherwise that floaty love bubble your were once in will never be the same (insert evil knowing laugh). Remember those loved up days, glancing at your husband thinking “I could never be mad at you!” Bahahaha!!
Bahahahahaaaaa….. that made me laugh out loud Jo – “I could never be mad at you!” Hahahahaha!!!!!!
I don’t know if this falls into the “should’ve sought help” category but I actually looked at my adorable baby on the dreaded DAY 3 and thought I don’t even want u, it was a mistake to have u, oh my god I don’t even love my own baby!!!
He’s 2 now and I couldn’t be without him but I really did feel like I was losing my mind in those early weeks 🙁
Oh Mel, the Day 3 blues! It’s like clockwork isn’t it? I had a really similar moment where I literally pushed my baby away from me and then felt like the worst person in the world!!! But it’s just so much shock at how HUGE this event is in your life, and knowing things will NEVER be like they were – add in some nasty postnatal hormones and zero sleep and it’s a wonder we survive it!
I swore I’d never, ever put myself thru it again but 2 years in we’re planning on having another! The thought still scared the shit out me tho!
Ur lucky u had ur mums group. I didn’t have that and my health visitor was a bit rubbish. Any family females I spoke to just laughed at me and said they’d been there, didn’t feel like much help seeing as I literally couldn’t see how I’d ever be happy again at some points 🙁
I’m so glad I found ur blog, god bless the internet for bringing it over here the UK 🙂
Do u think you’ll have another?
Oh Mel, that sucks. A good support network is essential. I’m so glad you found my blog too!
And yes, I’ll definitely have another. Can’t wait! As rough as it can be, I think it’s all worth it in the end. They’re amazing little humans aren’t they!?
Don’t shatter my hormone induced pre-baby bliss Lauren! I want to live in my deluded fantasy land for another 3 months!!
BAM! It’s all over red rover. You’re on the downhill slide.
It’s ok, you’ll like the new Lauren. Trust me.
Oh Lauren B! My tummy aches from laughing xx
Hahaha….. laughing AT you Loz B! 😉
Perfectly relaxed, snoring pigface…
Bahahahahahah!!!!! Gold 🙂
Am I right!? I mean you love them dearly, but there are moments when you just HATE them.
I was so surprised with how many of my friends felt exactly the same way. Luckily all of those relationships have survived it so far!