I’m well aware that exposing babies to television will make them serial killers (or something like that) but despite this, I’ve spent quite a bit of time encouraging my nearly two year old to watch TV.
I’m in survival mode people. I just need 15 minutes now and then to, you know, wee and wash myself and forage for dinner. Alright!? Don’t look at me like that.
After months of effort he’s finally agreed that kids TV is pretty cool. We’re at almost 10 straight minutes of sitting still. Hallelujah!
But now I’m facing a different dilemma. While I knew I was stunting his growth and turning him into a corn cob, I didn’t know I’d also be subjecting us to a trip down Acid Drop Lane. So now, instead of mopping weetbix encrusted floorboards, I find myself sitting on the floor next to him, in a daze, thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS ON MY TV?
I’m hoping some of you who’ve been long term victims of the ABC Kids Curse can answer some questions for me, because I’ve only watched a few episodes of each and I’m scared:
Jimmy Giggle
Our esteemed ABC Kids host looks like a fully grown man but speaks like a boy whose voice is breaking. Why? Why is his voice so high? Does anyone know?
In The Night Garden
Does anyone know what this show is about? What drugs are the creators taking? Will taking those drugs help me understand what’s going on?
The creators say the music is “music-box like”, but am I the only one who feels like it’s the soundtrack to an insane asylum where some woman in a straight jacket is playing the piano with her shoulders and singing dead-eyed lullabies that will haunt your nightmares forever?
WHY does my son love this show? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING TO HIM?
Can anyone assure me the music isn’t the start of a human drone program which is brainwashing our children and sometime in the future, they’ll blast that music into the streets and our children will rise up against us in a Makka Pakka/ Soldiers of Fortune Army? The night is black and the stars are bright and the sea is dark and deep – it’s a call to arms, isn’t it?
Oh, and what are these birds?
Lazy Town
What circle of hell have I descended into?
Who agreed that these sinister rubber people should be given a platform to entertain children? Horror should not be a genre for kids.
Why is there one random human girl child? No one seems to know or care that she’s clearly a different species. Then there’s a superhuman gymnast and a creepy, hybrid rubber-human villain… and these two grown men spend all their time with the aforementioned little girl? Some people would call that grooming. Deeeeeply uncomfortable.
Lah Lah’s Big Live Band
Can anyone tell me why I hate this so much? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I have to turn it off when they come on.
The same goes for….
Dirt Girl World
I want to smack her. Why does this cartoon girl have human eyes? And a human mouth? And why, when she speaks, does her mouth twitch and jump like she can’t feel her lips? You just know there are porn producers out there waiting for Dirt Girl to mature into Dirty Girl and her twitchy mouth.
Yo Gabba Gabba
Seriously, what is this? WHY MUST EVERYONE IN KIDS TV WEAR HORRIFYING COSTUMES?
Yeah yeah, they have lots of super cool music acts like Jack Black and The Roots, and it has lots of educational elements etc. but visually this show makes me feel unwell. I literally can not stomach watching it. Please tell me this is how other people feel?
Waybuloo
This show is either a gateway drug to a serious marijuana addiction or it’s encouraging a cult existence where followers worship crystals and practice yoga….
This feels like I’ve stepped into a touchy-feely health retreat with the never-ending soundtrack of pan flutes and wind chimes, so why does it all feel so ominous?
What weird pidgin language are they speaking?
The Adventures Of Bottle Top Bill And His Best Friend Corky
Is this a show about garbage that comes to life? Seriously? Have we exhausted all other possible plot lines and characters?
You know what was good TV??
37 comments
Nobody of what you mention here can surpass Boohbah.
Haha I can handle most of those shows but OMG I cannot stand Lah Lah…. seriously…. their formula is just wrong. Can’t stand it!!!!
Coming in a bit late here, but I love your blog Lauren, and OH MY GOD what is it with these shows. Lazy Town is more like Penis Town because the male characters wear such tight pants, every time you see them side on its like WHOA THERE IT IS. Traumatising. I’m convinced Iggle Piggle is a murdering psychopath. Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and he’s standing at the end of the bed with a pair of scissors.
And fucking Norman Price in Fireman Sam!
You know there’s a Facebook page entitled “I Could Teach Jimmy Giggle A Thing Or Two”? And honestly I get the feeling he’s massively depressed and sits in his dressing room sobbing over a bottle of vodka in a paper bag.
I love Ben and Holly, Shaun the Sheep, and Peppa Pig. I’m trying to get my 2.5 year old onto Shrek but he’s not keen. I can however quote all of Shrek 1 from start to finish including the songs.
Oh Jesus Madeleine, that made me properly laugh. Poor old Jimmy Giggle. He can’t be fulfilled. And I will never be able to watch Penis Town the same way. And now I’ll be having nightmares about Iggle Piggle. He’s going to suffocate me with his dirty blanket.
I love Ben and Holly too. And Shaun the Sheep is hilarious. I like Timmy Time too. I’m hanging out for the day I can get my 2yr old to sit down for an animated movie with me. I’m a massive Disney and Pixar fan. Love them all!!
oh my gosh, Yo Gabba Gabba just freaks me out!! I am so glad my kids have outgrown most of these shows, now they are Marvel mad!!
Why are kids shows so freaky now?! My preschooler has discovered Teletubbies on Netflix (talk about freaky!) and Veggie Tales – which, when I realised it has a religious under tone, swiftly turned off. No subversive religion with our cartoons please.
Lazy Town is the WORST! The fact that it is even called Lazy Town…what is that?
I try to steer my four year old towards Peppa Pig, Sesame Street, and Playschool.
His taste runs more towards Paw Patrol and some show about monster trucks.
If only he liked Grand Designs…then we could both be happy!
You’ve nailed pretty much all the shows I can’t stand. Especially Lah-lah. Get her off my TV! STAT!
Wow. Kids shows sure have changed since we were kids!!
My cousins kid loved Shaun the Sheep when he was little. But other than that, and Dora, I know zero kids tv shows. Only 2 years until I will be living and breathing this acid trip too!
I hope they have some better, less creepy kids shows by the time I’m dying to park my little one in front of the tv for a 10 minute loo and shower break!
Omg I hate teletubbies. Do you havethem? They are strange kinda monkeys with a tv instead of their bellies. But fortunaltly we don’t have tv. SO my kids watch cartoons on you tube that we chose together.
Yeah i’m that perfect mom!!! haha xx
I can so fortunately say, my children are far to old to watch any of these weird shows. In our day it was all Teletubbies and Bob the Builder. I shudder at the though!
You had me laughing so hard about Jimmy Giggle and the dildo in Yo Gabba Gabba. I find Waybuloo too new age for my girls. We love watching Peter Rabbit in the afternoon. And I have NO idea what the heck goes on In the Night Garden, but my girls are crazy for the characters.
Lol… Mine loved Hi-5 .. Then they move to these really annoying shows where every kids looks perfect.. Friendships are wonderful .. Everyone is talented.. And life is a breeze.. Bring back Fragile Rock
You know I used to think the same thing, but now I say ENJOY IT! Because in about ten minutes (ok 3 years but it feels like ten minutes) he’s going to want to watch ABC 3 and that is all aliens in weird places, and far too much sexual tension for children. I will take the hippy yoga, stoned, singing, half rubber, hollow eyed, high voiced characters of ABC kids any day.
There is an episode of Lazy Town that has my son in tears and trembling in fear (I think they are all falling over and hurting themselves…no idea), but I’m pretty sure that is not what is supposed to happen when watching kids cartoons ??!!!???
Don’t even get me started on Yo Gabba Gabba.
Peter Rabbit on the other hand, that one is a total fav and I actually find myself watching it too.
Yep, Jimmy Giggle’s voice drives me nuts. I could never understand why he gave that girly laugh after everything he said. My husband worked it out though. His name is Jimmy Giggle, so that’s why he giggles all of the time. Get it?! Do you remember Boris’ Breakfast Club? He was a pretty crazy dude for us to watch as kids. And Agro. Totally weird. I have to say I LOVE Yo Gabba Gabba. Lah Lah’s Big Live Band makes me want to smash my head through the TV. In the Night Garden concerns me also. I’d like to know a little more about the relationship between Upsy Daisy and Iggle Piggle. It’s concerning. Makka Pakka has a bad case of OCD. Loved this post. I’m sharing it!
Pretty much everything on ABC kids terrifies me and I cringe at it all. The one I can sit through is Ben & Holly – I hated it too to start with but it actually has a few adult jokes in it that fly above the kids heads. Meanwhile, I have miss almost 3 finally sitting still for about 7 minutes in front of the tv.
Haha, do you know, I used to feel exactly, really EXACTLY like you about all of these shows and characters (and my son used to cry when those tittifer (!) birds came on, also, hello! What is with giant dildos on yo Gabba gabba? And that frightening white woman with the kooky glasses, I still struggle with her- BUT (and I don’t know that this will be a comfort to you), you will eventually come to a point where you are so grateful for these shows that you will forgive them everything and you might even grow quite fond of Jimmy Giggle (the expectant father) and Dirt Girl, with her twitchy mouth. You might find yourself humming Wiggles songs when you are alone. I think it was the second child that did it. See, something to look forward to- you lucky duck 🙂
Very funny post! Totally agree with La La Band – she’s stupid and so annoying! Yo Gabba Gabba I can’t even be in the same room when that’s on. My husband thinks Dirt Girl has promiscuous eyes and is so not right for children’s TV. Me on the other hand does enjoy Jimmy Giggle. Maybe it’s because I am a tired, uncreative Mother now so any bit of hot stuff of TV I will welcome :). xo
Haha! I haven’t seen those ones but British cartoons are the worst! The Numberjacks is terrifying! My 3 year old has literally had nightmares about the Spooky Spoon.
Oh we can’t stand Dirt Girl and La Lah either! Every time they come on I turn them off and our three year old now even says it’s time to turn the tv off when he sees them! I also don’t get the Small Potatoes Show – what the?!?!
Haha, you have him trained well! Small Potatoes is an odd one but I kind of like the song. I can easily ignore that show but the other ones – I can’t even have them on, I have to turn them off!
My kids love all these shows and I think I have been visually thrown into submission and strangely enjoy them too – all except for ITNG episodes that only feature the Pontipines. Seriously, Mr and Mrs Pontipine need to take better care of their children as they keep losing them down holes and behind buttons. I’m with Zilla – lay off Jimmy Giggle (although I’m not quite sure what she sees in Mr Maker or Anthony Wiggle. Give me Nat from the Iconicles – he has that boy band look Zilla likes). I have a soft spot for Yo Gabba Gabba after seeing the live concert and I love the super music friends they have on like Weezer. Appeals to my 90s alternative side. How can you go past such hits as “Don’t Bite Your Friends”, “There’s a Party in My Tummy” and “All My Friends Are Different”? As for Dirtgirlworld and Lazy Town – I have to agree with you there. Too much creepiness!
Completely agree with your old school favourites, Fraggle Rock, Rainbow Bright and Muppet Babies. Love Waybuloo and Gabba (as you know). Tree Fu Tom is also a new favourite in this house, oh and Octonaughts.
Have a severe dislike to Bottle Top Bill. Ain’t no one got time for that shit!
My daughter used to run screaming from the room if Dirt Girl came on. She was absolutely petrified and woud ball her little eyes out. Both of my kids have loved Waybaloo and try to copy the little yoga moves.
Yo Gabba Gabba and ITNG was obviously written by people who drop too much acid and are second and third in line as the worst shows behind the fricken Teletubbies which has speech pathologists rubbing their hands together gleefully when that show was screening.
We actually bought our kids Fraggle Rock to educate them in real, quality TV and both of them hated it and my daughter did not want to watch a tv show where the rubbish pile came to life and started talking.
The one show I hate above all others is Dora the FRICKEN explorer.
Oh this is hilarious Lauren although I have to say, having met J Giggle in real life after waiting in line for an hour (with the kids!) he’s my mum crush. He’s super handsome and you’ll be relieved to know the annoying voice is just for show! I think he actually has a blog??
My fave kids shows would be Ben and holly and shaun the sheep. I liked peppa until we went to the live stage show. It was excruciating!! Xx
I adore Yo Gabba Gabba! DJ Lance is the best 🙂
This made me laugh out loud and in the lunch room at work that can be quite embarrassing! Saw Jimmy Giggle live and he wasn’t bad eye candy..
I can’t stand Fireman Sam as that little brat Norman drives me nuts!! Fav’s at our house are Peppa, Ben and Holly and Mike the night! We have managed to record Room on the Broom when it was on and the Gruffalo and the Gruffalo’s child and they are on high rotation!
Agree with the rest of yours – share the drugs people!!!
P.s. Peppa lives on such a steep hill so that when it floods her house is safe – haven’t you seen that episode?
I never got waybuloo. Faves in our house is playschool, bubble bath bay and more recently the furchester hotel..
How cute is the Furchester Hotel! And Play School is always encouraged here. Love it.
We love Furchester Hotel too, it’s great!
Oh I want to punch Jimmy Giggle in the throat… grow some balls man!!! And the creator of In The Night Garden was a known drug addict so that show actually IS an acid trip…
The one that kills me at the moment is Hoopla something – strange acrobat people. Freakish. Why are they always somersaulting? And why don’t they speak??
What we need more of is Jay Le’gaia on Playschool 🙂
Oh jesus, yep, Hoopla Doopla is switched off in this house too. All the weird OTT expressions and the no speaking? Why?
I’d be on board with some Jay Le’gaia! Eddie Perfect will be on Play School on May 18. Setting the recorder now!!!
I completely agree! Lazy town and Yo Gabba Gabba are the worst!
Give me Peppa Pig, The Wiggles and Play School any day! 🙂
Peppa Pig almost made it to this list because of the complete impracticality of her home. Why is she on top of such a steep hill? Looks dangerous to me 😉
I do love Play School and The Wiggles. And Sesame Street (but I think I’m more into Sesame Street than my son is) I also totally love Timmy Time and Shaun the Sheep. And Bookaboo.
I think I watch too much TV…
Firstly, you need to back off Jimmy Giggle.He’s annoying to listen to but he is nice to look at and we all have to make compromises in life, particularly when our only other options are Anthony Wiggle and Mr Maker. You already know my feelings on Yo Gabba Gabba. And Waybuloo has been known to send me into a transcendental state of nirvana, so I have a particular fondness for that. ITNG = stuck in bad acid trip. WHY IS EVERY EPISODE EXACTLY THE SAME?
Oh god, you’re not another one of those weird mothers who find Jimmy Giggle good looking are you?
Anthony Wiggle is a dead set fox though.