Tsk, kids these days. Amiright!? They’re either hopped up on Ritalin, stealing shit from your purse or having tween sex to the sweet, sweet sounds of One Direction…. Where did we go wrong?
I’ll tell you where, and it’s not us parents. No mum, your child isn’t a thankless little turd because you didn’t breastfeed him as a baby. Your sweet daughter didn’t turn into a trampy hoe because you spent too much time at work. Your adorable bub didn’t morph into a dickhead stoner because you didn’t do enough crafts together.
On behalf of parents everywhere, I’m shirking the responsibility. I say NO to mummy and daddy issues. It’s got nothing to do with us.
Ladies and gents…. It’s the books. Kids books. From the minute we start reading to our tiny babies, we are teaching them how to be rude, ungrateful, self-centred shits.
Here are the top offenders….
Where is The Green Sheep? by Mem Fox
This sneaky bastard spends the whole book ignoring the calls and cries of the community. For God’s sake Sheep, everyone is looking for you. Would it kill you to make yourself known?
What are kids learning here? To sleep through life? To completely ignore their hysterical friends and family when shit is going down?
Listen up sheep (of all colours and sizes), get out of bed and do something with your life. Answer when someone calls you. Especially your mum. Always answer your mum.
The Very Cranky Bear by Nick Bland
Bear is pissed and everyone is trying to please him. The only one who can calm him down is the “plain and thoughtful sheep” who shaves off half her wool to make him happy.
Hello future domestic abuse victim! One arsehole starts screaming and you willingly disfigure yourself so he can be comfy? Brilliant message.
We’re telling little impressionable sheep they otherwise need to be hairless, skinny, nude or willing to sacrifice their very identity just to please a bully. The Zebra, Lion and Moose didn’t have to martyr themselves for Bear. They just threw sticks and paint around. Sure, it didn’t work, but at least they kept their dignity for Christ’s sake.
And might I ask why we’re telling Sheep she’s plain? She’s got some mighty fine wool if you ask me. Just because she’s low maintenance, doesn’t mean she’s ugly. Can’t we just call her “the sheep next door”?
To all the little sheep out there: If a fat, hairy prick starts calling you names and demanding you strip off so you can spend time with your mates, it’s time to say goodbye. That’s not love, that’s abuse.
Dear Zoo by Rod Campbell
So a kid is writing to the zoo asking for (demanding) a pet. He keeps sending the animals back because they don’t meet his impossibly high standards.
- Zoo animals are not pets. Lower your ambitions you conceited, entitled twerp. Mummy is not the devil because she refuses to let you have a pet elephant. Thanks ‘Dear Zoo’ for putting that idea in my kid’s head.
- Kid is pretty ungrateful. You’ve been given a monkey and you’re unsatisfied with that? Would THANK YOU kill you, you little shit? Not ONE please or thank you in the entire book. Where’s the gratitude? I mean, shipping alone would’ve cost the Zoo a fortune.
- Don’t ask for pets if you’re not willing to take care of them. Camels are not just for Christmas. They’re for life.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
This is either a story about a bug with the munchies or an eating disorder. Either way, it’s bad.
To all the little bugs at home, I say this: do not eat until you feel sick. There is no magic leaf out there that will erase that binge session and turn you into a new, beautiful animal.
Also don’t smoke weed. It’ll make you eat a whole bunch of shit and then you’ll think you can fly.
The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss
He honestly terrifies me. I swear if the author was Stephen King you’d be shaking under your doona reading this trip down Elm Street.
A man-sized cat (predator), wearing clothes, breaks into your house while you’re out and preys on your innocent children, forcing them to take part in a series of fucked-up shit. Then he brings in a crate with two evil goblins inside……
Somebody hold me.
Did anyone do a background check on Dr Seuss? Seriously, I want to see the sex offender register. Is he actively trying to give our children nightmares? How is this a kid’s book? Just because it rhymes does not make it cute. It actually makes it all the more sinister.
Don’t get me started on Yertle The Turtle, that arrogant twat.
I’m still searching for the book about the little boy who loved his mother very much and was very respectful and always slept through the night and ate all his dinner and concentrated at school until he became hugely popular and successful and bought his mum a house. Where’s that book?
What book would you add to this list??
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