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The g-strings have been replaced by sensible boy legs. The spindly stilettos have made way for flats and sneakers. The dry-clean only, waist-cinching silk has been packed away, replaced by flowing (gut-hiding) shirts and knits. Underwires have been banished because I’ve learnt that rib-jabbing wire is for masochists. And the great Ear-Lobe Massacre of 2013 has seen an end to the dangly earrings in my life.
In so many ways my former, quite beautiful life was not made for motherhood. Motherhood is sensible, comfortable, often quite large and frequently ugly.
When I fell pregnant I packed away my pretty little clutches and searched for the most stylish nappy-bag I could find. My pram needed to be gorgeous. I wanted the cutest cot and an understated car seat. Because I was a special and unique snowflake who was destined to mother in style.
Like the naïve moron I was, I eagerly waltzed into my first baby shop and was smacked in the face with primary coloured ugliness that burnt my eyes with its achingly practical design and plastic heavy aesthetic.
In my delicate first-time-pregnant state, the visual assault left me light headed and I practically needed smelling salts when I started to look at the prices.
I discovered – in a scam yet to be investigated by the ACCC – the word “baby” adds approximately 450 percent to the cost of any item*. A simple bag with pockets might cost you $80, but a “nappy bag” that looks and works in the exact same way will cost you $200. An armchair might cost $300, but a “feeding chair” can cost $1500 and so on and so on. [*Not exactly accurate]
God help you if you do actually find something half-way decent looking. Start saving now if you’re in any way attracted to items made of wood or not requiring batteries because the less gaudy it is, the more expensive it will be (money saving tip: I can promise you, if you buy a baby item you think is elegant, beautiful and eco-friendly, your baby will HATE it. There’s a reason for the eye-burning, acid-tripping, poker-machine music playing plastic parade – babies love that shit).
After a lot of soul-searching, positive affirmation saying and straight-up reality checking, I accepted my Fisher-Price fate and dropped a small fortune on all the garish plastic I could find. I adopted a nappy bag the size of a small Labrador with 84 pockets which never hold anything I’m desperately looking for. I bought the stupid plastic tub which does the exact same thing as a bath except it’s far less useful. I shelled out for the ridiculous high-chair and the hulking great car seat. For this tiny person-to-be, I bought ALL THE THINGS.
But perhaps the most difficult transition to make was the decision to graduate to a MUM BUS.
Young, fun, childless Lauren drove the world’s cutest car. A Fiat 500 Bambino. A mate of mine told me it looked like an iPod. He’d jump in and yell, “shuffle” and rock the car trying to change the music. Oh the lolz.
My adorable, zippy little Bambino, which could fit into any and every available parking spot, couldn’t fit my baby. It definitely couldn’t fit my bank-breaking pram.As I struggled to fit my growing gut behind the wheel, I stopped talking about stereo systems and zippiness and starting researching boot space and reversing cameras. In a move that most couples eventually make, we agreed that this tiny speck of a human being was going to require an upgrade to a beast of a car. Because tiny humans may be tiny, but they come with a travelling circus of crap. Plus, when you’re driving around with your precious bundle, you need to be the most imposing presence on the road, right? “I have a baby in the car! I WILL DRIVE OVER YOU!”
So, now, I’m the ultimate mum cliché. I’m walking along in my activewear, carrying a takeaway coffee cup, wearing a mum bun and climbing up into my 4WD (or is it SUV now?) so I can ferry my kids around to gymnastics and playgroup.
One day I’ll get back to small and pretty. I might even be able to wear dangly earrings again.
If you’re looking to upgrade your car, but are short of funds, a personal loan can provide you with a way to achieve that goal. Why not check out People’s Choice Credit Union’s personal loans, or use their online Personal Loan calculator to see how a Personal Loan could work for you and your budget.
So now we know how expensive these kids are, want to win some cash? I’ve got a $200 prepaid VISA card up for grabs and I want to give it to you!!
Just tell me in 25 words or less, what’s something you’ve bought for your kids that has ended up being a huge waste of money OR tell me something you bought that has been worth it’s weight in gold.
Terms and Conditions
- This is a game of skill. Each valid entry will be judged by Lauren, based on creativity and originality.
- There is one prize: 1 x $200 prepaid VISA card.
- Competition begins at 4pm Sydney time on Thursday 14th July 2016 and finishes at midnight on Sunday 24th July 2016.
- This competition is hosted by The Thud and is open to all Australian readers of The Thud. (sorry to my lovely international readers!)
- Prize is not transferable or changeable.
- Entry is via leaving a comment on this blog post in answer to the above question
- The winner will be announced on Monday the 25th of July on The Thud’s Facebook page. This giveaway is not endorsed by Facebook.
- The decision on the winner is final.
- If the winner is not able to be contacted or does not respond to The Thud within 48 hours, a runner-up will be chosen.
- These terms and conditions are subject to change at any time without notice.
- GOOD LUCK! xxx
41 comments
Did the winner get announced yet??
Every single swing/bouncer. Did not help achieve goal of eating in peace but instead sat around taking up space/mocking my inability to learn.
The biggest waste of my cash?
An indoor nappy bin, Ms Thud!
Those poo cocoons went straight to the trash.
What an abominable dud!
Car capsule. I can move my sleeping baby from the car into the house or onto the pram. Price was well worth the sanity savings.
The travel cot. GOLD! This thing enabled us to take not one but two international trips with our under 2. 6 weeks in Europe!!! YAY
I sold my soul to the interior design devil the day I bought a little lamb baby swing. It took up 75% of our Bondi apartment but for the week it worked I ate my dinner with both hands.
So far the biggest waste of money has been a cot because she sleeps in our bed every. Single. Night. I’m still hoping this will eventually get some use and we don’t end up with a teenager in our bed!
Since having a child my best investment: CONDOMS. Saving us heaps not having to double up on kid stuff!
Our best purchase was a “tot seat” – an amazing fabric chair attachment that turned any seat into a “high chair”, and came in a small bag. We travelled a lot, this saved mealtimes!
Wine.
My bright f**king blue gym ball, that destroys the ambience of my home is worth its weight in gold, puts her to sleep in SECONDS!
Our waste, the Bassinet! My daughter is freakishly obsessed with me, and we must be touching at all times. Apparently everywaking hour is not enough.
NoseFrida – worth its snot filled weight in gold! Yes it was disgusting sucking snot but mums will do anything for our bubs and some sleep!!
For my second daughter i don’t think I slept 2 hours in a row for 7 months straight. ..the girl just wouldn’t sleep. She looked like an alien and sounded like one too…(at least thats how i thought)bless her soul …i didn’t know how i was physically being able to function and think and it definitely affected my relationship.
We were so snappy and the passion flame blew out and I couldn’t foresee a return.
I looked disgusting and everything i tried to get her to sleep at night was to know benefit.
I did all the wives tales and the lavender baths but finally oe day i snapped. I put her on my pillow and found a cheap $3 dummy from a Chinese dollar shop which was a baby shower accessory from having my son!!!!
I sat there and held that dummy in her mouth for what seemed like forever and while gasping at the ceiling and closing my dry eyelids got shaken by the chills and realized she had been suckling by herself and had fallen asleep and as if by miracle all she needed at bedtime (so called ) was that cheapo dummy and till now she sleeps like a lig and I have to shake her vigorously for school wake up! !!!
I bought a house two blocks from my parents. Go ahead and laugh, but with 24/7 babysitting services that’s a pure gold investment right there.
Bought a Nuna Leaf – watched a video on YouTube – she hated it – can’t sell it either!
Our breathing monitor’s the best with its reassuring green light, but forget to turn it off for night-time feeds and it quickly becomes the worst!
Best: our $200 Valco pram – three kids later it still soldiers on!
Worst: an electric bottle warmer – cumbersome (faster to heat bottles on the stove!).
A jolly jumper. God awful looking and in the damn way hanging in the door way. But worth its wait in gold as baby G keeps her self entertained while I wrangle the two toddlers!
Whoops that’s not 25 words!
A jolly jumper. Ugly and in the way but baby G is happy so I can deal with the big two when they’re cray cray!
Our son is only interested in the baby items we had given to us FREE from friends! The best things in baby life are FREE!
The most expensive thing we bought was a double pram, via Gumtree, for $300. We’ve been thrifty!
The cheapest and best ever toy we’ve bought is a “rice table” – which comprises a flat container and two bags of rice. Add measuring cups, spoons, blocks, plastic toys etc… hours of fun.
I thought buying two bassinets, one for upstairs and one for downstairs made sense! Apparently I had more dollars than sense…..now I have neither!
My worst purchase: a milkbar feeding pillow – too high and not comfortable for either bub or I. The humble pillow from my bed was perfect!
Collapsible baby bath got used twice. She far preferred showers.
And the Houdini Stop. By day 6 after getting it, she was consistently opening it.
Best thing (though not really for the kids): Nespresso machine – one handed coffee making at its finest 😉
The dreaded glider chair! Brought one thinking it was going to be easy to breastfeed in. A birth that ended in a c section, I couldn’t even sit on the lounge without help let alone a skinny glider chair for the first8 weeks or so. It was also really uncomfortable, cold to sit in and awkward to feed in because of the bloody arms. It was sold only last year and for the next kiddo coming in October I have discovered my inlaws have an old la-zy boy with ugly tartan that I will stick and blanket over and borrow for any feeding duties in which I can do sitting down ( wishful thinking?!)
We purchased no less than 4 different types of cot/bassinet/cradle/hammock for our baby, who I hoped would sleep a lot. The little love is still co-sleeping and waking 52368 times a night….two years later. Various beds continue to gather dust.
I bought an expensive spandangled pram and the worlds cheapest carrier, only to find bub wouldn’t hated the pram and wanted to live in the carrier!
Bugaboo – worth its weight in gold (and that thing is HEAVY!).
Luxurious WHITE padded high chair – clearly first time mum.
The number 1 best item, is quite possibly the cheapest item, is that fabulous invention known in our house as the SNOT SUCKER… Totally worth a squillion dollars there is nothing more satisfying than hearing the unmistakeable shlurp of boogers being cleared to give your sick bub the power of breathing!
A baby bullet (mixer) which broke, and then I found out our normal mixer did a better job…
The cot! FAIL…. All 5 shunned the stunning mamoth expensive space sucking thing for MY bed! Yet i still set it up for each kid.
Baby skinny jeans. Squeezing a squalling newborn into tight inflexible pants was a terrible idea that I stubbornly persisted with because I had bought so many damn baby jeans.
Whoever built our house clearly had no children and so installed a large spa bath complete with steps up into it. Best $20 I ever spent was the plastic bub tub. I managed to bath her in it until she was nearly 12 months old. It completely saved my back and probably my sanity!
Loved this so much.
My children literally sucked the life out of me with my best purchase. The ever-faithful Medela breast pump. Providing milk, relief and a get out of jail-free card all in one.
We spent $179 on a jumparoo. That noisy, ugly thing was worth every cent, until it went mouldy from the ONE time it was outside.
A $250 baby carrier. With all three babies being colicky and feral at arsenic hour, this purchase has saved my sanity many times.
Ofcourse my first pregnancy and the impending arrival of our baby boy meant that all the adults lost their collective minds. Many Pinterest boards, instagram stalking later, we decided we HAD to have Pottery Barn’s $1200 Larkin crib (so practical, turns into a toddler bed ya’ll). And ofcourse you can’t go past their wingback glider. A small fortune later, baby boy arrives, and as I head home with my tiny bundle of joy, I’m smug at the thought of him sleeping in his awesomest of awesome cribs. Fast forward to seven months later… Baby boy still sleeps in our queen bed, on my arm most nights. He’s probably spent 5 minutes in the crib, pretty much enters his nursery only for nappy changes. #fml
Yep baby is like the word surgical or medical. Anything you use in a hospital or a doctor’s surgery is immediately more expensive and not necessarily because it’s any better or cleaner or durable.
I did everything second hand as much as possible. The best investment I made was a baby carrier. Not a cheapo or a baby bjorn but a proper ergonomic carrier. It neutralized the witching hour and saved me lugging a pram absolutely everywhere!