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The g-strings have been replaced by sensible boy legs. The spindly stilettos have made way for flats and sneakers. The dry-clean only, waist-cinching silk has been packed away, replaced by flowing (gut-hiding) shirts and knits. Underwires have been banished because I’ve learnt that rib-jabbing wire is for masochists. And the great Ear-Lobe Massacre of 2013 has seen an end to the dangly earrings in my life.
In so many ways my former, quite beautiful life was not made for motherhood. Motherhood is sensible, comfortable, often quite large and frequently ugly.
When I fell pregnant I packed away my pretty little clutches and searched for the most stylish nappy-bag I could find. My pram needed to be gorgeous. I wanted the cutest cot and an understated car seat. Because I was a special and unique snowflake who was destined to mother in style.
Like the naïve moron I was, I eagerly waltzed into my first baby shop and was smacked in the face with primary coloured ugliness that burnt my eyes with its achingly practical design and plastic heavy aesthetic.
In my delicate first-time-pregnant state, the visual assault left me light headed and I practically needed smelling salts when I started to look at the prices.
I discovered – in a scam yet to be investigated by the ACCC – the word “baby” adds approximately 450 percent to the cost of any item*. A simple bag with pockets might cost you $80, but a “nappy bag” that looks and works in the exact same way will cost you $200. An armchair might cost $300, but a “feeding chair” can cost $1500 and so on and so on. [*Not exactly accurate]
God help you if you do actually find something half-way decent looking. Start saving now if you’re in any way attracted to items made of wood or not requiring batteries because the less gaudy it is, the more expensive it will be (money saving tip: I can promise you, if you buy a baby item you think is elegant, beautiful and eco-friendly, your baby will HATE it. There’s a reason for the eye-burning, acid-tripping, poker-machine music playing plastic parade – babies love that shit).
After a lot of soul-searching, positive affirmation saying and straight-up reality checking, I accepted my Fisher-Price fate and dropped a small fortune on all the garish plastic I could find. I adopted a nappy bag the size of a small Labrador with 84 pockets which never hold anything I’m desperately looking for. I bought the stupid plastic tub which does the exact same thing as a bath except it’s far less useful. I shelled out for the ridiculous high-chair and the hulking great car seat. For this tiny person-to-be, I bought ALL THE THINGS.
But perhaps the most difficult transition to make was the decision to graduate to a MUM BUS.
Young, fun, childless Lauren drove the world’s cutest car. A Fiat 500 Bambino. A mate of mine told me it looked like an iPod. He’d jump in and yell, “shuffle” and rock the car trying to change the music. Oh the lolz.My adorable, zippy little Bambino, which could fit into any and every available parking spot, couldn’t fit my baby. It definitely couldn’t fit my bank-breaking pram.
As I struggled to fit my growing gut behind the wheel, I stopped talking about stereo systems and zippiness and starting researching boot space and reversing cameras. In a move that most couples eventually make, we agreed that this tiny speck of a human being was going to require an upgrade to a beast of a car. Because tiny humans may be tiny, but they come with a travelling circus of crap. Plus, when you’re driving around with your precious bundle, you need to be the most imposing presence on the road, right? “I have a baby in the car! I WILL DRIVE OVER YOU!”
So, now, I’m the ultimate mum cliché. I’m walking along in my activewear, carrying a takeaway coffee cup, wearing a mum bun and climbing up into my 4WD (or is it SUV now?) so I can ferry my kids around to gymnastics and playgroup.
One day I’ll get back to small and pretty. I might even be able to wear dangly earrings again.
If you’re looking to upgrade your car, but are short of funds, a personal loan can provide you with a way to achieve that goal. Why not check out People’s Choice Credit Union’s personal loans, or use their online Personal Loan calculator to see how a Personal Loan could work for you and your budget.
So now we know how expensive these kids are, want to win some cash? I’ve got a $200 prepaid VISA card up for grabs and I want to give it to you!!
Just tell me in 25 words or less, what’s something you’ve bought for your kids that has ended up being a huge waste of money OR tell me something you bought that has been worth it’s weight in gold.
Terms and Conditions
- This is a game of skill. Each valid entry will be judged by Lauren, based on creativity and originality.
- There is one prize: 1 x $200 prepaid VISA card.
- Competition begins at 4pm Sydney time on Thursday 14th July 2016 and finishes at midnight on Sunday 24th July 2016.
- This competition is hosted by The Thud and is open to all Australian readers of The Thud. (sorry to my lovely international readers!)
- Prize is not transferable or changeable.
- Entry is via leaving a comment on this blog post in answer to the above question
- The winner will be announced on Monday the 25th of July on The Thud’s Facebook page. This giveaway is not endorsed by Facebook.
- The decision on the winner is final.
- If the winner is not able to be contacted or does not respond to The Thud within 48 hours, a runner-up will be chosen.
- These terms and conditions are subject to change at any time without notice.
- GOOD LUCK! xxx