Children have no boundaries. They will see you stepping into the shower and will walk straight up, stick their face in your crotch and start a conversation about what’s in there. I’m pretty sure that’s why giving birth is so gory: so you can shed that last shred of dignity you had left in preparation for […]
Kids are so fun but we all know they are secretly fucking with us. There are some universal truths in parenting and, much like Murphy’s Law, the rule of thumb is: anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Dear darling baby of mine, It’s three in the morning and I’m not myself. To be fair, you’ve dragged me out of bed at three am, which is officially within the ugly hours of the morning; nothing good ever happens between 2 and 4 am. Sweetie, I can accept a 1.30am wakeup. At 1.30 in […]
You’re almost at the end of your pregnancy. You are aching and cranky and oh so exhausted. You’re about ready to rip that baby out with your bare hands which is nature’s way of making you less afraid of childbirth because anything would be better than this torture. You are over it and you want to know, […]
Once upon a time you were assessed on your ability to work within a team, to problem solve and to meet client expectations. Now you’re a parent and your whole life’s worth is down to two things: your ability to make your child eat and sleep. A ‘good’ baby eats like a champ and sleeps like a… well, like […]
From the minute that tiny babe is out of you, you’ll start hearing about “tired signs” “Do you know your tired signs?” “Have you been watching her tired signs?” “What tired signs has he been showing?” “Won’t somebody think of the TIRED SIGNS!” Everybody is so bloody preoccupied with the baby’s tired signs that they completely […]
You think you’re doing ok for the first few weeks. You can still form sentences and you haven’t started throwing things. Then one day, when you’ve burst into tears because your toddler dropped their bowl of cereal and you’ve decided it’s necessary to call security because the bloke on the supermarket checkout wouldn’t give you […]
The first step is deciding to leave the house. The last step is sobbing quietly into the steering wheel…. Start preparing about an hour before you need to leave the house. You’re feeling smug about how much time you’ve given yourself because you are so super organised. SPOILER ALERT: it’s never enough time. Tell the […]