You know what’s super unenjoyable? Being told to enjoy something. It’s a bit like being told to calm down. If I’m having a brain popping rage attack and you tell me to calm down, you might as well whisper “and then set fire to my car” because the end result will be much the same.
So when some sweet, well-meaning older lady looks at me and my children as they prepare to engage in the 76th Hunger Games on the floor of the fruit and veg section and titters, “cherish every moment”, it’s touch-and-go to see if I can muster a non-committal, doesn’t-reach-the-eyes smile or if I just grab her round the neck and throw her into the arena with the kids.
“It goes so fast,” she breathes. Misty eyes. Head tilted to the side. Hands across the heart. It’s always the same.
I know people mean well. They’ve been there, they know how fast it goes and how much I’ll miss it when my kids grow up. I know it too. I know I’ll sob when I think about how precious these days were. But when you’re past the stage of poo and tears and screaming, you tend to forget that some of it was actual bullshit.
It’s too much pressure
Like mums need one more thing to fail at, now we’re adding ‘not happy enough’ to the list? All day long, I’m looking at my kids, thinking, am I cherishing this enough? No? Fuck, why can’t I be more #blessed and #inthemoment? What’s wrong with me??
Mothers are under pressure to spend all day providing educational, uplifting, sensory rich, nutrient dense, character building experiences for our children and we have to enjoy it all too. There’s no question we enjoy our kids; we love them. But there are moments – lots and lots and lots of moments – where it feels like tedious, repetitive grunt work. It’s not as complicated as raising older kids, but I think older mothers forget: it’s exhausting.
It’s stupidly unrealistic
I’ve literally been told to “even enjoy their tantrums”. What psychopath enjoys tantrums? Is there something I’m missing? The child’s obviously upset and the mum’s frustrated and doubting herself for not knowing how to keep her child happy and calm.
Some aspects of raising small children are decidedly unenjoyable. Sleepless nights, sick babies, dinnertime, FAECES… Yes, in hindsight you can look back and think how wonderful it was when they needed you so much, but when you’re in the moment and your child is screeching at a pitch that would deafen dachshunds, it’s completely normal to wish you were sipping Mai Tais in Maui. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your children, just that you’re capable of recognising the difference between a trip to Disneyland and the screaming, biting, kicking shit storm on the floor of aisle 9 at Coles.
It’s bad advice
Human emotions don’t work without the ups and the downs; there’s no good without the bad. If you spent all day cherishing every moment, nothing would be special. And I’d question your sanity. Like, how fat’s your baby scrapbook ffs? Because we all know you’ve got one #makingmemories.
Sometimes you need to have a whole day of fuuuucccccckkk to really appreciate those little arms around your neck at bedtime, so you can say, “yep, it’s worth it. Despite everything that has gone wrong today, you are spectacular and I love you.
It’s unfairly critical
Thanks for the guilt trip, kindly old lady! The underlying message is: you obviously don’t love your children enough. Every mother knows you can be consumed with love for your children and yet, well…not like them very much because, let’s be honest, children can be demons from the pit of hell. If an adult called us a poo-fart-poo face, threw the food we just made on the floor and then screamed nonsensically for ten minutes straight, we’d probably unfriend them immediately. We forgive our children because they’re children and we expect different things from them but it doesn’t make their behaviour any more pleasant.
It’s also a kick in the guts for anyone who has to work and put their kids in daycare because we already know we don’t have enough time with our kids so it’s just one more reminder of how we’re failing our kids and squandering their childhood while we put food on the table.
When you’re telling mums to cherish every moment, what you’re really saying is, “don’t complain”. Which means we’re not allowed to admit when we’re struggling or need help. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed but when we’re told we should be cherishing every second, it feels like there’s something wrong with us and that’s where the spiral of self-doubt begins.
Trust me when I say I’m cherishing the moments that deserve to be cherished. The sweet cuddles, the funny things they say, the tiny arms around my neck. I squeeze my eyes shut and compel my brain to remember them like this. I know how fast they’re growing; it’s agony at times, knowing how much I’ll miss it all and I wouldn’t wish a single moment away.
But I’m not going to cherish every moment. Sometimes kids suck and we need to be able to say that out loud or we might implode under the pressure of being so goddamn grateful all the time.
Do you cherish every moment?
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16 comments
[…] Older mums are super fond of letting newer mums know how much harder it gets with kids. It usually happens when a mum is complaining about her ratshit toddler or her arsehole pre-schooler – an older mum will step in with a well-timed, ‘Just you wait! It gets worse!’ Because that’s exactly what someone wants to hear when they’re having a hard time: ‘there’s no light at the end of this tunnel, the next 15 years of your life are going to suck, please cherish it‘. […]
[…] been on a personal campaign against the phrase “cherish every moment” for a few years now. I hate it. LOATHE. […]
[…] So, for the sake of all new mothers, TRY. Try to remember. So when you go and visit a new mum and sniff her baby’s head, stroke their tiny fingers and squeeze their little bodies against yours; you don’t say something like “cherish every moment.” […]
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What a great post to read today for me. I have been struggling with my threenager attitude lately. I have even googled how to stop being such a nagging mum because I feel I nag her too much and I don’t get to enjoy “every moment”… but yes, it’s impossible to enjoy the good without accepting how bad the bad can be some days/weeks. I love your posts, blogs because you are such a realist. And hilarious 🙂
This is interesting. I am expecting #8, and my other kids are 24,19,15,11,5 and 3 this year.
I don’t cherish every exhausting moment, BUT I have learned to laugh at so many of them. I laugh during many tantrums, while cleaning up shit, and when my kids finally look clean and coordinated , then jump in huge puddles.
I do NOT laugh at puke. Ever.
Waking with my littles doesn’t anger me as much, and I think I know why. One, I just expect it. Two, it gets better. My teens still wake me regularly, but it is different.
So yes, I do find myself saying things to new moms that sound similar. Not to cause guilt, or to make them feel bad. Instead, to let them know they aren’t alone, and that it WILL be okay. And that it is okay to laugh, and not be perfect.
If it is possible to choose to be happy instead of angry,why not? I spent a lot of my older child’s first years anxious and stressed out. He grew up anyway.
Laughed out loud a few times reading this – thanks, I so needed that!
Yes I’m sure those kinds of comments are well meaning, but like you say, they can come across as a way of saying “your failure to enjoy every moment is a failing in you as a mother”. Not particularly helpful for most mums, but imagine how much harder for mums struggling with post natal depression or other issues.
Anyway, as I said, great post and thanks for the laughs!
Amen ??. Thank you, from a Mom of 3 girls, 10,2 & 1 all the way from Las Vegas NV. I just emailed it to my husband at work?.
I am a closet instagram aholic. I stalk these “woman” i use commas because i doubt their realness due to filters!!! So i look at there beautifuly posed pics with their little ones and designer outfits and perfectly white carpet. Than i look at my 11 month old girl in her aldi trackpants oversized hoodie ( as its a hand me down) as she picks up shit of the floor that the expensive dyson has missed and i think. Do their kids have shit explosions? Do their kids wake at 4am demanding a drink? Do their kids ever get dirty than eat said dirt?. Why does my daughter always look like an extra from a hilbilly show?. Well shes a baby. Growing into a todler and i am real and dont use filters@! So when she looks nice and ive washed my hair ppl notice LOL. Id rather that than having to live up to a certain standard everyday. PLUS i say fuck shit balls. and for fuck sake so much my kid will whoop those “#blessed” babies under the table!
Oh, mate. This post is perfection. Thank you for always keeping it real and for having a sense of bloody humour! x
I could very much relate to this: “Sometimes you need to have a whole day of fuuuucccccckkk to really appreciate those little arms around your neck at bedtime, so you can say, “yep, it’s worth it.” ”
Thanks for this post. Honestly, I’ve been feeling guilty lately about this very topic, so I needed this. ❤️
We can’t escape that guilt can we Heath?? We never feel like we’re getting it right. Sometimes we just need someone to say, “hey, I’ve been there, it’s hard, you’re doing great” and it would make everything so much easier (for, like, five minutes at least)
Very well said Lauren. I too have met that kind, old lady telling you to cherish every moment as you’re about to strangle your kid for flicking poo in a dress shop.
Great must read for the no-bullshit Mum.
X
if they just rubbed the poo somewhere discrete there would be no need to strangle 😀
Hahahahahaaaa, oh Dallas, you’re gold. Darling, if you’re going to play with poo, could you please do it discretely so no one knows? Ta”
I seriously do know they mean well but I just wish they’d realise how much of an impact they’d make if they just said, “man I don’t miss this stage! You’re doing a good job Mum. Don’t worry, it gets better!!”
The way they say it, so wistfully, it’s like they’re saying “there’s absolutely nothing good about them when they grow up. It all gets worse from here so make the most of this before you start to really hate them”