In our quest for world peace – and to avoid being slapped across the face – we all tend to follow some basic rules when interacting with other humans.
- We try to be civil.
- We consider it impolite to comment on another person’s appearance.
- We respect each other’s privacy.
- We usually think before we speak.
These rules do not apply to pregnant women and mums.
The minute you announce you’re pregnant, things change.
Privacy GONE. Social boundaries SEE YA. Appropriate workplace conversation WHAT’S THAT?
My last post was about the busy bodies who get all judgey and disappointed when women dare to produce multiple children of the same gender. (I mean, we all know that shit’s not on, but there are still women out there who keep popping out baby boys, flatly refusing to produce the little girl the neighbour really wants.)
From the comments you all made, it seems nearly everyone in the history of child production has, at one point or another, been insulted about their baby bump, harassed about their sex life or (worst of all) pitied for the children they have/don’t have.
Here are the best of the worst, along with some suggested responses. (These are actual, real-life comments, from actual, real-life people…. For real.)
You’re pregnant but you keep insisting on turning up to work. For shame.
Who doesn’t love an awkward and inappropriate exchange in the tea-room? Where is that HR woman when you need her?
“Next time wear a condom,” says male boss.
And you should’ve said: “What a shame your father didn’t.”
“Are you planning on breastfeeding?” asks older male colleague.
You could’ve replied: “I need to know why this is important to share with you, old mate.Will this harm my chances of promotion? Shall I also share details of my episiotomy with you? Well, my perineum was stretched to the limit……”
“Whoa, don’t give birth in my office!” says male colleague.
And you should’ve warned him: “You know the stress caused from being around fuckwits can bring about premature labour? Better watch yourself lest I drop my amniotic sac on your foot. Bombs away!”
You’re growing a human and it has made you large.
While every human being on the planet understands it’s rude to comment on someone’s weight, a pregnant belly is fair game. If you think you have the right to be seen in public with that growth on your front, you’ve only yourself to blame.
“Are you sure there’s only one in there?”
“Oh my god, you’re huge!”
“You couldn’t possibly get any bigger “
“Are you pregnant or just fat?”
Phew, lucky we’ve got you geniuses to point out our larger than normal size. We could be walking around, COMPLETELY unaware that we have a human being INSIDE OUR BODY.
The best retaliation for such arseholery:
“At least I can lose this weight. What are you going to do about your face?”
You are expecting your third (fourth, fifth…) son and I am so upset about it.
While the old lady in the supermarket queue does not know you and will never meet your baby son, she’s still pretty gutted that you’re not having a daughter this time around.
“Oh what a shame”
“Don’t you wish you had a girl?”
“So very sorry for you.”
“God will have the gates opened up wide for you when its your time because you have survived raising so many sons.”
“Oh bummer, I hope the next one is a girl.”
“Are you jealous your sister has a girl?”
You are expecting your third (fourth, fifth…) daughter and I am so upset about it.
Your Aunty still hasn’t met your second daughter but it doesn’t stop her from giving you a special phone call to let you know how deeply emotional she is about your failure to produce a son.
“Oh what a shame, there’s always next time to try for a boy”
“Your poor husband will be so outnumbered”
“Imagine a house full of PMS!”
For mothers-of-boys or mothers-of-girls dealing with the general community’s profound gender disappointment, I recommend one of the following responses:
“I’m so sorry you feel so disappointed with my perfect little baby. Don’t worry, you won’t need to be a part of their life. They will only be surrounded by the people who love them.”
Or, simply:
“Please don’t pity me for being blessed by this gorgeous little person who I get to cuddle and kiss and love to bits – and I won’t pity you for being a miserable joy-suck.”
You have one son and one daughter, but you have decided to have a third child. Bewilderment ensues.
If you’ve been “clever” enough to produce one boy and one girl, it would be straight-up selfishness to have any more children. You greedy, greedy bitch. You have one of each, what business do you have trying to mess up the numbers now?
“So you can stop now!”
“You’ve got the complete set, why would you want more?”
Uh, because I want to steal ALL THE CHILDREN and keep them for myself. Obviously.
If you’re in this situation, you could try:
“You don’t exactly need that third creampuff there now, do you? See how that works??”
You have not produced a child / or you have not produced enough children and it’s high-time you hit the sack.
The worst offenders in this category seem to be grandmothers and aunties. They simply CANNOT keep the words “when are you having a baby/ another baby?” inside their mouths. Their sick obsession with how often you’re having sex CANNOT be contained.
“Tick tock, you’re not getting any younger!”
If you’ve not yet had a baby, but you’re fielding these sorts of questions at every family function, I highly recommend:
“I’m barren.”
Look, it’s high risk when it comes to jinxing yourself, but nothing compares to the uncomfortable silence that follows.
You’ve had too many children and it makes me think about you having sex.
Chiefly the domain of the lecherous uncle.
“Don’t you own a TV?”
“You know what causes it don’t you?”
I suggest the following:
“Are you asking me about my sex life Uncle Alan? Do you want to talk about how much sex I’m having? Really?”
Risk factor:
He says yes.
And then there are the other, indescribably abhorrent clangers….
“Do they all have the same father?”
Pardon!?
“After losing my third child during pregnancy, I was told by my Aunty that it would have been my ‘boy’ as I had two older daughters and I couldn’t carry boys.”
Um….
“After having a stillborn daughter: ‘What a shame you lost a girl! After so many boys in the family’”
Wha…?
“I was congratulated by a health professional on continuing a white line, because there are too many mixed families now.”
HOLY SHIT.
There’s only one thing to do when faced with such a magnitude of fuckwittery. PUNCH IN THROAT.
From the mouths of babes
As rude, ignorant and nasty as people can be – NOTHING beats the mind-altering, jaw-dropping, pants-wetting hilarity of children.
The absolute best comes from Sophie, who copped this from a four-year-old child in a sandpit.
“You’re so fat you can’t see your vagina.”
SO FAT.
Vagina gone.
Hidden by all the FAT.
Oh.
My.
God.
You’re not wrong, little mate.
Not wrong at all.
What’s the best/worst thing said to you while you were pregnant or once you had kids?
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33 comments
I am 11 weeks pregnant, and I have a teeny tiny bump, most people can’t tell I’m pregnant actually, but there’s this woman at my work that will not stop harassing me about my weight. I announced at my work that I’m pregnant already, and she keeps telling me she can just tell I’m overeating and I’m gaining weight too fast and that I’d better watch it or I’d get gestational diabetes like another lady we worked with (basing your statements on fact much?). Which is funny because I actually eat less now that before I was pregnant (I fill up really fast, so portion control is not a problem for me now). I already don’t like this person, and I’d really like to slap her into next year. I’d really like to say, “My belly is bigger because I’m pregnant, why has your belly gotten so much bigger?” but I’m too passive to do so.
When (finally) pregnant with my first child my uncle told me that I was making the worst mistake of my life. After all, my child might turn out to be horrible. I responded that I thought that was mostly down to parenting, and flatly refused to apologize to him when my mum said that I should.
I wouldn’t have apologised Emily! That’s awful!!!
My brother’s eldest two kids asked their mum is she knew how NOT to be pregnant when she was pregnant with #5 or 6. She assured them that she did know. They said “that’s ok then, we were just checking!”
I usually told people that were commenting on my number of children, that I was so glad that my parents hadn’t stopped at #3 as I was #6.
Hahaha…. Children are the best!! No tact whatsoever!!
[…] out. You know it’s there, you own a mirror for Christ’s sake. I’ve heard some truly horrific things that people have said to pregnant […]
My favourite was when people (yes more than one person asked this!) Would say “so was it planned or an accident? “
My midwife said “So you can stop now…” after the delivery of my 3rd healthy baby. She had at least 5 as I recall. WTF.
Jesus! How about “you can stop giving your opinion!!” How rude.
I had to laugh several times here. I’m the second of five kids, 4 girls 1 boy. People always assume my brother is last in line, as surely they kept going for a boy. No actually my brother isn’t last, he’s a middle child. Also out in public my dad always comments with ‘they’ve been busy’ if someone has 3 or more kids…really dad, there are FIVE of us. To add to my giggle his name is Alan
Ha! Dads are the best at the inappropriate comments!!
We have 6 kids (4 boys and 2 girls, phew!) whose ages range from 21 to 7 month old twins. The worst comment we ever got was from some guy on a tram. He looked at the toddler and twins in the pram, then said “Twins?” I smiled and nodded. Very proud of my brood I am! Next thing out of his mouth was “Ooh, unlucky!” How fucking rude!! I would’ve loved to have responded with some witty comeback but I was completely gobsmacked.
You were unlucky. Unlucky to be on the same tram as an absolute cock knocker! What a dick!!
The other way round: my patient saw me “waddling” down the hall to call her in and she just pointed at my stomach and laughed.
Earlier in the year I was 26 weeks pregnant at my brother’s wedding and a family friend came up to me and told me “you look so fat!” And so I replied ” so are you” then a shocked reply came but you’ve got a reason you’re pregnant (as though to say there was her excuse for saying what she said) and I replied “so do you it’s called food”. Hoping she has learnt her lesson and doesn’t say this to others in the future!! 🙂 your post has made me smile big tjme 😉 thanks for keeping it real 🙂
I had to come back to this post today just to embarrass myself & say that I am pregnant & this morning, whilst attempting (rather unsuccessfully) to groom – y’know – “down there”, in my mind I heard a little 4 year old voice echoing “You’re so fat you can’t see your vagina.” I was LOLing so much in the shower my husband came to see what on earth was going on. Hoooolarious.
Natelle, I’m having a pretty shitty day and this comment just made EVERYTHING better. You are brilliant. I will be giggling about this for a while
[…] here are some more suggestions if you want to avoid a punch in the […]
Yep people have no filter, or manners.
I’m always large when pregnant. Bumpin’ and proud for sure. When I get to about the 25 weeks point comments like this usually start falling out of peoples mouths:
“OMG. You look like you’re about to drop” or “You must be due any day now” or “gosh you look exhausted” or “you look like you’re going to pop” or “are you sure there is only one in there”. By the time I get to due date I’m so over the continual comments I don’t even smile politely back.
Nope. Just over half way really.
Seriously some people need a sock or three. I hated the… oooo not long to go now… when I was 4 months pregnant. 😉 x
Ouch! That’s not nice.
I am one of those “unfortunate” people who pop out early. I’m pregnant with my 3rd child & despite being a size 10 before I fell pregnant I was in maternity trousers at 4 weeks. I could see a bump before my period was due. Anyway, it’s been this way with all 3 pregnancies and the inevitable ones are – “Are you sure there’s only one?” (Yes) or “That’s a BIG baby!” (Nope – that’s a big UTERUS – the baby is the size of a grape). However, the worst – WORST – by far was at 38 weeks with my first baby when a (young, male, fuckwit) work colleague told me “Holy shit. You are fat cubed.” Yep. Fat cubed. I would love to say I came back with a snappy remark but if I am honest I looked at the floor in my lunch room, completely silent, as hot, wet tears poured from my eyes. It still hurts when I think about it.
Speechless. That’s just not on.
What made him think that was in any way ok to say? He would never have said that to an actual fat person (rather than a pregnant person). Or maybe he would say that to an actual fat person and it turns out he’s just a straight-up wank stain. Probably the latter.
I love the ad I saw on TV where she buys the ‘hands off’ T shirt to stop everyone rubbing her stomach. Never can understand why people think it is okay to touch, rub, talk to your stomach when you are pregnant – they wouldn’t usually rub you like that.
Whenever someone touched my stomach without my permission, I would rub their stomach back. Just to make everything nice and awkward for them too.
Ermergherd. I am SO doing that!!
Perfect!!:)
Haha, me too!
This is hysterical! I don’t have kids, so I can’t relate to this level of rudeness from people (other than the occasional ‘when are you having kids’ question, but since I’m single I’m just give them this sarcastic ‘Really?!’ look and move on). Love your posts!!
Haha awesome! Just yesterday my Doctor said about my 1 year old daughter… “It’s good to see she has finally grown into her head!”
Oh! Jeez, thanks Doc, what are you saying about my child?! That’s not even trying to be nice, that’s a fully fledged back-handed compliment.
Wet myself laughing, as after 5 boys have no bladder control left obviously!!! Priceless…
People are real dicks sometimes! Not all people, just the people who open their mouths before thinking & the ones who don’t think at all.
My perineum ,,,,!!!!!!! LAUGHED OUT LOUD. Well done.