How to make leaving the house as painful as possible,
by Thud
This one goes out to all my home boys and girls dealing with less than ideal parents.
I feel you. And I’ve got you. Let me give you a rundown of how to get your revenge.
Mums like to leave the house on time. They hate being late. They get all cranky and yelly. It’s hilarious. Take, for example, this afternoon:
It’s 2pm and mum is still in her dressing gown. I mean, she’s showered and put on some makeup but she put her dressing gown back on. How lacking in self-respect does one need to be? She totally deserves what’s coming….
She picks up her phone (what’s new?) and tells me we’re going to the park to play with my friend George. Her voice is all squeaky and panicky because we need to be there in 20 minutes.
GOOD LUCK WOMAN.
Step 1 – Evasion
When your mother wants to get you dressed, it’s time to evade. By all means necessary. I like your classic run and hide (in small, impossible to reach places). Dodge and weave is another fun one.
This afternoon I tried a simple technique known as The Roll. I lay down on her bed and rolled all over it while she tried to pin me down. Shit it was funny.
I added some super cute whinging noises just to really set her teeth on edge. I think she caught me smiling once or twice though. I could see her jaw start to clench. Working. A. Treat.
I’d like to highlight this next part to any officers from Child Services who might be reading – she practically SAT ON ME to get me dressed. I’m sure this is not an approved parenting technique. If someone could get back to me on that, it’d be great.
To be fair, it was the only way I was leaving the house with pants on, but still, it was not dignified. For her or me. But then again, she was still in her dressing gown, so I guess dignity’s not her thing.
Step 2 – Resistance
Hear me loud and clear my friends. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET DRESSED AGAINST YOUR WILL. Sure, they may sit on you and forcibly shove your arms into a shirt, but you don’t have to just roll over and take it.
FIGHT.
I have a few tactics that are simple but effective.
The leg kick is especially damaging to their self esteem. You’ve got two legs. They’ve got two hands, but they need to hold your pants with one hand, so it requires them to try and get two legs with the other hand. OH. MY. GOD. it’s awesome. It’s like watching cats in a boxing ring. Uncoordinated doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Today I tried a really great one called The Buck. If you’re feeling extra energetic, just jerk your entire body like a raging bull. Ole! That’s a good ten minutes wasted.
We are never getting to that park on time.
Step 3 – Destroy
At some point, your parents will need to take their eyes off you to get themselves dressed. This is the perfect opportunity to seek and destroy.
I will leave this one up to you. Freestyle it. You know what you’re doing here…
Step 4 – Delay
Inevitably, you’ll be at the point where they’re trying to get you in the car. This is when you’ll need to adopt your very best whine.
You suddenly need ALL THE THINGS. Water, biscuits, banana, hat, apple…. anything that comes to mind. You need it DESPERATELY.
This is especially hilarious if you’re strapped into your car seat (don’t forget the old, stiff-as-a-board trick as they’re trying to strap you in by the way. That’s a good one). Just as they think they’re free and clear, demand something you know is still in the house.
Today it was a banana. I knew it was sitting on the bench. She tried to pass off a vegemite sandwich from her handbag. Woman, I don’t know how long that thing has been there, get it out of my face. NARNA!!!!
She fumbled in her bag to find the keys, ran back into the house for the banana…. and when she came back? WANT SAMMICH! Hahahahaha…. holy shit, that was a good one. I swear that nearly snapped her.
Always always always change your mind. And if you can demand something you’ve refused sixty seconds earlier, it really pushes them over the edge.
Bonus points for refusing it one more time as they try to put it in your hand. Who’s the puppet master NOW???
Step 5 – Protest
ALL the way to your destination. Really get in their ear with the high pitched squeal. especially on the big roads when they’re trying to concentrate.
We were running SO late, so this just about popped a vein in her head.
Step 6 – Enjoy
Just because you’ve made their lives hell trying to leave the house, doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself when you get to the park and there are ducks everywhere. You deserve a treat. Enjoy.
There you have it my friends. Go forth and demoralise.
Love Thud xxx
P.S I’m just going to edit this to include the on-cue-poo. While this is not my particular modus operandi, I must acknowledge the effectiveness of a well timed nappy log. Please note that the on-cue-poo is most effective once you’re already in the car.
Many thanks to the people who sent in this tip. We are stronger when we work together.
Do you follow The Thud on Facebook? You totally should. It’s fun. I promise.
63 comments
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LOL! I love how I saw this post being shared so many times on FB! And all of it is so so true! On cue poo! The worst! And those high pitched squeals while you’re trying to drive!!! Thanks for the memories! LOL!
Oh My God!! My children have the same handbook!!
This is brilliant!
So so true, I have cranky and yelly down pat 😉
Thanks for the comfort x
This is GOLD! I swear my kids wrote this 🙂
Love your work.
Cx
oh yes, I can relate…as grandma who cared for her adorable toddlers for more than 8 years (der, different kids and years!) The one that got to me? They’re finally in the car…and ‘what’s that smell/’ OH SHIT. Denyse
OMGoodness, mine are all now “grown” with the youngest being 11, but we still find new ways for this crap every day!! Mostly it’s the arrive at he destination without important and necessary object, like football boots at the football. Arhh!!!
Oh gosh… So fun and so spot on. We experienced the on cue poo today in fact right before school pick up master 4 had to go…. And took freakin forever, I thought we’d be late for school pick up but walked thru the gate right on the bell. Phew! Xx
Success Shannon! Sort of 😉
It must be harder when they’re toilet trained and you actually have to let them use a toilet. You can’t just ignore it and let the nappy deal with it.
Sorry to advise that it doesn’t get any better. If anything, it gets worse. My five year old is the mistress of delay with a side of cute. Tonight I was trying to get her into her nightie and she decided she wanted to pretend to decorate it like Rarity (one of the My Little Ponies…OMG I can’t believe I know that). Anyway, I’m not proud to admit she wore me down with her cute delaying tactics and is, at this very moment, still in her preschool clothes. It’s Friday night, I’m tired and she will probably sleep like that all night. Kudos to Delilah and her cute tactics of delay and to The Thud for his mastery of all forms of mother annoyance/torture.
Ah sometimes it’s just easier to let them win Kirsty. I’m all for picking your battles 😉
Mine ALWAYS does an on-cue poo just as we’re leaving the house. Without fail. Lately she’s also taken to hiding under her trampoline and pretending she’s not here anymore…
Hahaha, I love when they hide in plain sight. That’s actually really cute!
Love it! I have four children in nappies in care on a Wednesday, the same day we all pile into the car to go to play group. So I know ALL about the last minute poo! But that’s really as bad as it gets. They save the worst for their parents. I get them in their ‘angel mode’.
But if I put my ‘parent of conspiring toddler’s’ cap on (because I’ve had two of my own), let’s not forget the ‘trump card’ Thud. It goes something like this…
“Be prepared for the trump card. The ‘it won’t matter to me if we don’t go to the park’ card. The ‘your the reason we are going to the park’ card. Or the ‘if you don’t want to go we won’t go’ card. SHE”S BLUFFING! She SOOOOO wants to go to the park because SHE gets to talk to grown ups! Don’t fall for it! Pride man.”
Haha, it’s true! I just neeeed to get out of the house, so put on your pants so we can see the ducks for gods sake!!
This is SO funny and so true….been there. Thanks for the giggle today.
It’s amazing how they all know the same tricks Laura!
Are you sure you weren’t in my house this morning? My lovely daughter can add to that the innate ability to know when mummy’s forgotten to pack the wipes at the park. Cue nappy log. #shortestparkvisitever
Argh! We had a lovely meal with friends cut short for this exact reason on Monday. Um, sorry we have to leave so abruptly everyone, but the nappy bag is at home and we don’t want to ruin your dinner….
I’d just like to know which network they’re all tuned into, where they learn it all!
Sitting here nodding, because it’s all so true. It gets even better when they start choosing their own clothes, and you’re not only permanently late, but accompanied by a small fairy/pirate/mermaid/dinosaur combo.
Good times.
I was just saying to my husband today that we should start a dress up box. Maybe I should rethink that…
My kids are older but funny how things don’t change… They just get smarter .. Lol
I’m scared of that Natalie…
Bahaha! It’s a universal code for children everywhere!
It’s amazing how they all know the same tricks Sammie. Like they’ve been pre-programmed.
This is so true! I swear it take me 15 minutes just to get Little Miss Raj’s jacket on these days before we leave the house – evade and run is her favourite tactic! Thanks for a good giggle on a Friday morning!
Oh yep. Hiding, rolling, wiggling gah! Thankfully the on cue poo never featured heavily here!
And always hiding in a spot I can’t reach, so sparks a half hour debate/bribe-a-thon to get him to come out.
Haha, I would read this to my daughter but she is already using every one of these strategies 🙂 The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing she doesn’t really think about what she is doing but it’s hilarious to hear Thud’s version of events. I’m sure leaving the park was just as hard too!
Oh god Liz, leaving the park could be a whole new post!
Thud, please give your mum a break. She’s growing you a sister. Be freaking thankful! xx
I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m sorry. I am all too familiar with that scenario in our household! x
Hahahahahahaha. Mine are a bit older but we still can’t get anywhere on time there always has to be something they need to go back inside for and I’ve given up worrying what they look like as they dress themselves like crazy people.
Oh god, at least I don’t have to deal with him choosing his outfits just yet. That might just push me right over the edge Vicki!
OMG SOOOOO funny!! This is my every day :))
Mine too Robyn. Every. single. day. It’s exhausting!
Sounds like the Thud and the Stuntman are singing from the same song sheet. In fact, that sounds like a pretty cool name for a band don’t you think?!?
We could totally be rock’n’roll stage mums 😉
Perfect name for a band! I think they’d be a killer team.
Thud is a ninja master. Truly. He has this shit down pat already. In time, he might mix up the bed roll with an angelic ‘yes Mum, I’m getting dressed riiiiiiiiiiiggggght now…..’ which is in reality sitting naked, with some bizarre hat playing with a random toy you’ve never noticed in your house before. That really gets shit cracking. I’m sure my girls will share the notes with him in the secret FB group they’re all a part of….. x
They’re all in on it aren’t they? They all learn it in utero. And why do they always want to be naked? WHY?
Crying!
Whaaat? No poop up the back after you’ve finally got dressed? Thud, your standards are slipping!
He usually saves the poo for avoiding naps. That’s the big guns Nat 😉
Hahaha! My youngest now, once dressed, runs out of the room and then takes pants, socks and shoes off and we have to start all over again! Fun times.
Oh God Emma, mine has learnt how to remove his nappy. That’s REALLY scary.
Go forth and demoralise – if that is not the catchcry of every child under the age of 5 then I don’t know what is. Pure gold
He makes me feel so useless and stupid, Michelle. And he’s TWO!
OMG!!!! I nearly wet myself reading this!! My babies to the letter. FAR OUT they know what buttons to push.
ALL THE BUTTONS Jess. And he usually does it all with a grin on his face like he knows he’s winning. ARGH!
Oh man, toddlers are tough. So basically all the time they are being cute babies and crawling and stuff, they are just mastering how to be really naughty once they can walk, yes? Because mine only do naughty stuff. Like, exclusively. All day it is just me chasing after them saying ‘no’ or ‘stop that!’ or ‘give that back!’ Sigh. Exhausting stuff, and definitely of the vein popping variety x
There is a lot of deep breathing practised in this house. Breathe in, breathe out…
Crying. I am CRYING!
I was almost crying this afternoon Kelly. Seriously.
LOLOLOL!! And what the EFF is with the running and hiding?! My three year old has just discovered the space underneath his bed and treats it like I’m-being-a-PITA Central. Some days I am deadset too old for this shit.
Small spaces – I hear you! My youngest has discovered the gap between the fridge and the wall and wedges himself in there. Every single day. Argh!
Try reaching behind the cot with a pregnant belly in the way. I swear he knows I’m getting bigger and can’t get to him.
Man, I enjoy reading this kind of thing – it makes me feel so much better that every other toddler does this inane, mind-screwing, infuriating crap too. However, you forgot the biggest master stroke of all: the last-minute POO!
I often liken leaving the house with kids to those awful dreams where you’re trying to run but are frozen on the spot, you just can’t get moving, no matter how hard you try.
Oh shit, I forgot the shit! It’s a classic!
I think if I ever meet Thud I will be thinking butter wouldn’t melt.
Meanwhile I am about to confiscate every plastic golf club that is stashed around this house because Ari keeps finding them and flinging then around. Soon I’m going to need some dentistry work! Lucky Leni has no teeth!
Everything and anything is a weapon in this house. It’s deadly.