When I hear about parents dying, my first thought is always the children. My heart aches for them, knowing they’ll go to bed at night crying for their mum or dad and struggling to understand why they’re not there to comfort them.
I am terrified of leaving my baby behind. I don’t know why it haunts me so much but from the day I became a mother I’ve been panicked at the thought of dying. It’s truly one of my greatest fears.
It’s not the end of my life that worries me; it’s the beginning of his life without me. Grieving for a parent is something no child should have to do. It physically hurts my heart to imagine my son would ever have to come to terms with the news that mummy is never coming home.
Sometimes I write him little notes or record video messages so he has something to remember me by. Just in case. Like this one…
My Thuddy,
Sometimes I hold you long after you’ve fallen asleep, cradling your little body next to mine, your head snuggled into my neck, your cheek resting on my chest.
And I squeeze you.
I squeeze you to bursting and press your heart into mine so my love might burn into your skin like a tattoo. So that if I ever die, you will remember what my love feels like. So, when you’ve forgotten the sound of my laugh or the curve of my smile or the smell of my skin, you might remember what it felt like to be loved by me.
I squeeze you and whisper, “remember me” because I’m so afraid of leaving you. And I tell you I love you because there are no bigger words to describe it even though it feels so much greater than plain old love.
You don’t know what I’m doing and if you were awake you’d just push me away and run off to play. But I want you to know that I do this. I want you to know how much you mean to my life and how completely you’ve stolen my heart. I want you to know that if I ever left, I would be right there, inside your heart, because you’re not just some person I love, you are a part of my soul. I could never fully leave you behind.
I can’t bear to think about not being there to hold you when you cry or to explain where I’ve gone. The thought of you calling for me at night rips at my heart. I never want you to feel that pain. In a perfect world, I will always be by your side so you’ll never need to know what life is like without me cheering you on.
Thud, you are crazy and wild and so full of joy it makes my world spin off-kilter. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I just hope that’s a really, really long time.
Love Mummy xxx
12 comments
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Lauren, that’s so beautiful and so heartbreaking at the same time. I think it is the bittersweet fate of every mother to feel this way. It’s impossible to tell your kids how loved they are too many times, so you keep writing those letters to Thud and little bump as often as you need to. No matter what the future holds, your children will always have those loving words in their hearts. Thanks so much for sharing some of them xxx
Thank you so much Robyn. I hope I’ll be annoying him for many years to come, but if not, he’ll have my words xxx
I have tears. xxx
Sorry Krissy. It’s an awful subject but one I think about too much xx
I can not bring myself to even think about this. In my deluded little brain space we are all immortal and none of us will ever have to grieve for each other. It’s ridiculous I know, but I can’t wrangle with the reality.
I have moments like that and then I have moments of crippling fear (usually prompted by some awful tragedy on the news) where I am terrified Thud will have to grieve one of his parents and the thought of his pain paralyses me. Maybe I should stop watching the news…
I lost my father when I was 10 and it is harrowing and lonely to go through life after losing a parent {I’m not trying to add to your fears truly}. I understand your fears completely, mine have reached a new level since I had my daughter. Because of what happened to me I’ve been paranoid that something would happen to me or T and she would be left alone and go through what I did. I don’t ever want her to have to go through that. I actually write my blog mainly so that she’ll have the memories of us together should anything ever happen to me. I know that’s morbid too, but I want her to have some way of getting into my head and understanding me even when I’m not here, because I never had that with my dad. Fingers crossed nothing ever happens to either of us and we get to spend a looooong happy life with our kids, but keep writing your notes because even if you don’t ever need to use them for their purpose they’ll be such a nice memory for him to look back on.
Oh Toni, you made me cry! I also have terrible nightmares about my husband dying and having to deal with my baby grieving for his daddy. I just can’t bear the thought of him being in that kind of pain. I’m so sorry you had to endure that. No child should.
But yes, I love the idea that if something happened to me, he’d have a catalogue of articles to get to know me and to get a sense of what he’s meant to my life. Even though most of them are tongue in cheek!
Awwww, love. I completely agree. It’s such a scary thought to leave your kids behind. And it breaks my heart to think what they have to go through when losing a parent. Great idea to leave little notes for Thud. I might start doing the same 🙂
I just figure that if anything happened really suddenly, I’d want him to know what our life was like together. I just hope he never needs it and it just becomes a quaint little catalogue of our history together.