Today he’d like to share his tips on how to make meal times as difficult as possible.
Nothing gives your parents more stress than how much food you’re eating. It’s like they’re obsessed or something. ALWAYS with the eating.
They hover and nag and can’t keep their bloody hands out of it.
It is NOT your job to make this time easier for them. I think deep down they’d be really disappointed if it was too straightforward, so do everyone a favour and keep them on their toes. It’s a nice, bonding thing for you all to go through.
Here are my top tips for a power battle at dinnertime:
Wear them down with toddler logic
I’ve put together a sample script based on last night’s dinner at our house.
Toddler: Did you make this pasta?
Toddler: Did you make it with love and care?
Parent: Indeed I did. Much love and care.
Toddler: Did you make sure it was healthy as well as delicious?
Parent: It will help you grow up big and strong.
Toddler: I don’t want it.
Parent: But you loved this yesterday!
Toddler: That was yesterday. This is today.
Parent: It’s your favourite!
Toddler: I think you’re confused. Pasta is my favourite.
Parent: THIS IS PASTA!
Toddler: No. This is PASTA. I only like pasta. It shows a serious lack of self-awareness and knowledge of your offspring that you don’t know the difference. Why do you hate me?
Parent: EAT YOUR DINNER.
Toddler: Sure, yell at me. That always works. Why don’t you try some bribery next? Begging is funny too.
Parent: PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
Toddler: It’s too hot. You are trying to burn me. My mouth is melting. I have third degree burns.
Parent: Blow on it.
Toddler: Oops, now it’s too cold. Can’t eat it. Soz.
And so on and so on. You get the picture.
It’s your responsibility to make sure the kitchen is destroyed in the process of eating.
Throw that shit. EVERYWHERE.
Not only is this fun to do, it’s funny and it has the added bonus of wasting food.
This is the cornerstone of all toddler antics. Evasion. Specifically running and hiding. It’s a great power play because no matter what authority your parents think they have, they can’t physically stop you from getting up and running away. Unless, of course, they’ve got you in a high chair. You need to get out of that torture chamber quick smart. You are not an infant. Grow up and demand yourself a proper chair for chrissake.
Dealing with bribes
They will try to bribe you in order to force you to eat. This can sometimes be a lucrative game to play.
But approach with caution. Make sure you get all the details before you bring that fork to your mouth. Remember that adults have been known to bring out APPLE SLICES as “dessert” and have passed off bubbles in the bath as a “special treat”.
Don’t be an amateur. Hold out for the good stuff and get it in writing if need be.
Observe your food
I’m not sure whether you’ve picked up on this yet, but adults hide stuff in your food.
BE VERY WARY of anything that’s smushed up, baked in or pureed into a sauce. There’s a huge possibility there’s something ‘healthy’ in there. And by ‘healthy’ I mean POISON.
If a blender or food processor has been used, I can guarantee they’ve smuggled some poison into your meal.
I need to repeat this to make sure you understand. DO NOT EAT THE GREEN STUFF. I repeat. DO NOT EAT THE GREEN STUFF.
It is poison.
You will not grow up big and strong. You will die a slow and painful death (over the next 80 years or so).
So my friends, I hope this helps. You’re on your way to being the best toddler you can be.
Go forth and demoralise.
Love Thud xxx
Do you have any tips your kids would like to add?
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