Look, don’t be embarrassed if this whole spill crap is over your head. You’re not alone. The media likes to think that everyone sits around discussing politics all day every day (wait, you don’t? You mean you have a life? A job? Family? But why aren’t you reading every paper, cover-to-cover before you have your breakfast!?) but most people don’t know how a lot of this stuff works.
So, the Liberal party is not all BFF and BAEs at the moment. They’re a bit STFU to each other and it’s not nice. Here’s a pretty extensive breakdown of what has been going on.
What’s a spill?
A spill is when the party votes for its leader. Remembering that when you vote at an election, you don’t actually vote for the Prime Minister. You vote for your local MP and whichever party gets the most MPs elected, is the ruling Government. The party chooses their leader.
What will go down this morning?
The Liberal party will all get together in Canberra this morning to have an oh-so casual and not-at-all-awkward team meeting.
We can assume PM Tony Abbott will kick it off with a few choice words about loyalty and disunity and how they’re all acting like a bunch of mugs and how embarrassing it is to be echoing the tactics of the Labor Party yada yada yada. It will take about 60 seconds and he will accept no questions from the audience. He doesn’t like to be questioned. Or looked directly in the eye.
This chat will have no effect because random WA backbencher Luke Simpkins has already made his big announcement to the media that he will call for a spill.
Luke Simpkins: “I think we should spill this leadership”
Don Randall (second random WA backbencher): “I second this”
Tony Abbott: “You fucking little rats”
So then the party will all secretly vote on whether to vote for a new leader – yeah, that’s right – the first vote will be about whether they should vote at all. And they could vote against the vote, which would mean no spill.
Party: “Shut the FUCK up Simpkins, you little twat, and stop trying to get your name in the papers. No one wants this right now. Valentine’s Day is on Saturday for Christ’s sake. We’ve ordered cupcakes. Don’t make this weird.”
#anticlimax
Of course, the party might be a bit jazzed to see how this will go down, and could vote for the vote.
They could also vote to spill the positions of Treasurer, Deputy PM and so on. There could be a few jobs lost today.
If the party votes to vote, the leadership positions become immediately vacant and anyone who wants the gig needs to step up, put their hand up and sell themselves to the room.
In a move that will shock absolutely no one, Communications Minister and ex-Liberal Leader Malcolm Turnbull will stand up – because pretty much everyone wants him to be PM, duh. It’s also looking likely Deputy PM and Foreign Minister Julie Bishop will put her hand up because she’s kinda popular and extremely not embarrassing to the nation. Social Service Minister (former Immigration Minister) Scott Morrison could also nominate himself, which would be embarrassing for him because no one wants him to be Prime Minister. Sit down Scott. It’s not going to happen today buddy.
Oh, and Tony Abbott. He’ll have to put his hand up and beg for the job too. #Democracy #auspol
Then the whole party has a secret ballot. I’ve often wondered how this goes down. Does someone tear pages out of their exercise book and hand them out to everyone? Do they all hide in various corners and under chairs and scribble on their scraps of paper, hand covering their work so their neighbour can’t see? I like to think so.
Then the Government Whip (the dude who takes roll call and collects your sick notes) will tally up the votes. There are 102 members and so the hopeful PM will need 52 votes to win. The Whip will then announce to the party who is their new (or old) leader.
He’ll then waddle out into a seething mass of feral media who’ve been waiting all morning for the announcement and live commentating with absolutely no information.
Done and dusted.
P.S For the record: Laurie Oakes says Abbott will stay PM. So, that’s pretty much what’s going to happen. Because if you didn’t know by now, Laurie Oakes actually runs the country.
After the Spill Update:
#anticlimax after all. The first vote was to have no vote. No spill. Tony Abbott remains PM with no vote taken for any other contenders. Now we all go back to pretending the Liberal party is totally united and happy and love each other. Unless of course you are a political journalist, in which case you start frantically working on finding new “sources” who will leak secrets about the plans for the next spill. #inevitable
Are you a political nerd or do you not give one crap? Are the spill shenanigans seriously pissing you off, or are you keen for a change?
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18 comments
[…] Turnbull confirms he’s going to challenge for the Liberal Leadership. SPILL SPILL SPILL! (Read here for a bit of background into what a spill […]
Lauren, you are the best, who knew politics could be so much fun? I will only read news if it is delivered by you in a daily bulletin. Keep spillin’ those beans!
Well if a lot of political journalists took the elitist stick out of their arse, I think most people would find politics fun. It’s like a really unattractive version of Bold and the Beautiful. Too too funny.
Nailed it lady. As always. I feel like I was legit in the meeting room today, because that’s totes how it would’ve gone down, Valentines day cupcakes and all. x
I need you to give me daily news updates in this format. Much more entertaining! 🙂
It’s a deal! Any requests? 😉
Wow, you cleared that right up for me! So thanks to Laurie Oakes #ImStickingWithTony??? Honestly, Tones is the best asset Labor has at the moment!
He totally is!! I actually think the ALP would be glad Malcolm didn’t get up. I think he’d be pretty damaging for them.
Nice run down, thanks!
Gawd it’s all a bit like a snarky private school debate team really. Bunch of tossers filled with their own sense of importance.
EXACTLY. Just a bunch of MASSIVE egos all battling to be the biggest dick in the room.
Great summary Lauren. I’ll be watching Twitter with interest while I’m at work. At least this one is at a normal hour with some notice. I remember the first ALP one and was so glad I happened to be up at 10pm for once to watch it all unfold.
That one was something else altogether. That was history making stuff. It was HUGE news. I so clearly remember turning up to work at about 6am the next morning because I was just so excited to see what would happen. Manic doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Fast forward 5 years and it’s like old news. Oh, another spill? Whatevs.
For once politics actually sounded interesting. I think it is a sad state of affairs that most australians are cringing from the global embarrassment of our government and saying with an apathetic attitude “it’s the best of a bad bunch lately”.
If Tony Abott stays then they will lose the next election I am pretty sure. If Mr T gets the job then there is a chance the party can resurrect itself and I don’t know what is worse. A little bit longer with budgie wearing Tony or an extension of poor, lacking in compassion Liberal Policy.
Morning thinking done now – back to making toast with no crusts.
It’s a gamble either way. I think Julie could be wonderful and I think Malcolm could turn things around for sure. He is SO different to Tony Abbott in every way that people might start to like the Liberal Party again because he’s far more moderate and much more of a small L liberal. But hardcore conservatives would revolt…. You can’t please everyone. Or anyone!
Bahhahahhahahhah! I feel so informed!
I live to serve.
For the seven minutes it took to read this I was actually thoroughly interested in politics! Well, who knew. Haha, now back to my Hollywood gossip mag 😉
If it’s explained in the right way, politics is incredibly similar to Hollywood! As they say, it’s “Hollywood for ugly people”.
It’s so scandalous and juicy. But people don’t often inject any humour because it’s serious business and they all like to pretend that only political geeks and academics can discuss politics. I think that’s shit, because politics affects all of us everyday. These people determine how we live our lives!